U
underacloud
Guest
But we do act differently in different situations. I act differently at work, at home, with my wife, with my children, with my friends, at church, at a bbq, at the football, etc… Some conversations are appropriate for some company and not others. Some manners of behaviour - serious, joking, fun, respectful, playful, etc - are appropriate for some occasions and not others. I don’t need to act towards my wife in the same manner as my mother, my sister, my children, my priest, my co-workers, etc.I agree with just about everything here, but I am having some trouble with the last sentence.
I am absolutely 100% with you when it comes to finding new ways to more fully give ourselves to our neighbour… learning about how women/men think can be a great way to become more empathetic and to overcome greed and pride when dealing with people of the opposite gender. When it comes to learning how to flirt, however, I think this depends heavily on how we define “flirting”.
If we define flirting as being confident and relaxed around other people and making jokes the same way we would with our own family, then I think this is not only OK but it’s actually a state that we should aim for! Jesus wants us to be the best version of ourselves and to not behave differently around different people. If we truly are in a virtuous state then I believe you could walk into a job interview behaving exactly the same way you would around the neighbour who lets their dog pee on your lawn and still walk out with a job offer! The key to getting to this state, is to grow in personal morality to such a degree that the whole world can dissapprove of you but God’s love is all you need to be content! (I don’t know about you but I’m a long ways off!)
If we define flirting as the intentional modification of one’s own behavior for the purpose of “getting” something, however, then I think that has very little to do with love (which is the full “giving” of one’s self). While the commandment to love thy neighbour is admittedly very broad, you have to admit that this concept of flirting does appear to be diametrically opposed to the general act of giving selflessly. I believe this is also a very unsuccessful method of flirting, since people can pick up on the lack of sincerity and they find it repulsive (just, as I’m sure, our Blessed Lord finds it repulsive).
This is why I don’t advise the intentional modification of one’s own behavior/physical qualities for the purpose of attracting a spouse (it seems to fit in much more closely with the latter definition of flirting then with the former). I think our future spouses deserve to see us behave the same way on a first date as she/he will see us behaving 10 years after marriage. If a person feels a need to change their behavior/appearance for a prospective date, then perhaps this is a cue that he/she needs to work more on loving their neighbour and following the commandments more closely since Jesus calls us to be perfect all the time, not just on first dates!
Flirting is a way to express interest and availability to people of the opposite sex. It involves acting towards the object of our interest in ways different to other people, to let that person know, in a more subtle way than blurting it out, that we are interested in them. It involves open body language, facial expressions, playful banter, etc. None of these things are wrong in themselves, when motives are honourable. Learning to flirt needn’t be considered a bad thing, as some people need a bit of help and need to develop confidence. Confidence is generally considered an attractive trait, and some people lack it and need to develop it.
Flitring can of course be bad, when directed at the wrong people and/or for the wrong motives. But when used in the appropriate manner I don’t see any problem with it.
But ultimately we do modify our behavoiur; I can’t agree with your suggestion that we shouldn’t. The person we are interested in (as a potential furture spouse) needs to feel that our interest in them is different from our interest in other people.
