For all married Catholics and single Catholics considering marriage

[HopeEternal]

Hello, I am relatively new to the forums, but I would like to address an issue that seems to be brought up quite a bit on these forums. I have noticed that a lot of the Catholics posting are involved in relationships with non-Catholics. Some of these posters are married, some are just in the dating phase of the relationship. They all seem to have serious problems in their relationships. I wanted to start a thread for those in mixed marriages to share their stories. I am hoping that this thread will give single Catholics something to think about and really understand the difficulties that are ahead for them if they are considering a mixed marriage.

Mixed marriages can work, but I personally think it is best to be of the same faith. I think that marrying someone of a different faith (or no faith at all) can present all sorts of challenges. Just scrolling through the posts on this forum has me convinced that mixed marriages have LOTS of problems.

Let me start with my story. When I met my future husband, he said he was Christian, but beyond that there was no evidence that he had any sort of spiritual life. He was a kind, decent man who treated me well and seemed to love me. He knew that I was a practicing Catholic, and he had no problems with my faith. When we became engaged, he agreed to marry in the Church and raise our future children Catholic. He told me he had the same views on marriage I did—he believed divorce was not an option and that marital vows were sacred. He even agreed to use NFP. Even though he was not Catholic, I figured I could look beyond that. Our love was strong, and he seemed to share my views and beliefs.

After we were married, I found out that he wasn’t as sincere as I had thought. I soon realized that he didn’t really consider himself a Christian, but more of an agnostic. Even though I knew before marriage that he would not be attending church with me or spending time in prayer with me, I never expected his way of life to be so sinful. He had many vices–excessive drinking, gambling, and a very serious addiction to pornography. I had not seen this side of him before marriage. Without any sort of faith to ground him, he lived his life the way he wanted and felt no remorse for any of his questionable behavior.

Deep down, I realized I had not set my standards high enough. There are certain things that are so very important when choosing a spouse. Religion and spirituality is extremely important. It was important to me, but since he was such a nice guy I settled for less when it came to that. Since I did not believe divorce was an option, I decided to make the best of the situation. I prayed rosaries and novenas. I read books on how to be a better wife in order to help him be a better husband. I prayed for the intercession of St. Rita, St. Jude, and our Blessed Mother. I prayed for his conversion, and I prayed that I would have the patience and love needed to help turn our marriage around.

One day he said he wanted a divorce. He decided marriage wasn’t what he wanted anymore. Even though he told me when we were engaged that he took marriage seriously, he now revealed that marriage was “nothing more than a piece of paper”. He had lied to me about having the same views on marriage.

I came to find out that he had been having an affair. Even after all of this, I still held on to hope. I continued to pray for a miracle, for our marriage to be restored, and for his conversion. I prayed up until the very end of the marriage. We are now divorced, and I am seeking an annulment. Divorce is a painful, horrible process. Being a devout Catholic, divorce is something I never wanted to happen since I take marriage so seriously. When I took my vows, I meant them.

It was easy for him to walk away from our marriage. When you don’t have any sort of faith to guide you or serve as a moral compass, then living a secular life isn’t so difficult. Divorce was not a big deal to him. Neither was having an affair or viewing pornography.

If I am able to obtain an annulment, and if I would someday wish to marry again, I would never settle for anyone who isn’t a devout, practicing Catholic. I seriously underestimated the importance of having the same religious views. Can a marriage between two devout Catholics fail?? Absolutely. But I think it stands a better chance than a marriage between two people with different belief systems.

For all of you single Catholics out there–it is better to be alone than to be unequally yoked to someone. I hope my story helps someone who is considering marrying someone with different beliefs. And I would like others to share their stories as well

 

[maryjk]

They all seem to have serious problems in their relationships. I wanted to start a thread for those in mixed marriages to share their stories. I am hoping that this thread will give single Catholics something to think about and really understand the difficulties that are ahead for them if they are considering a mixed marriage.

So you would prefer not to hear from those of us that have wonderful marriages, but are not married to a practicing Catholic?

 

[HopeEternal]

So you would prefer not to hear from those of us that have wonderful marriages, but are not married to a practicing Catholic?

On the contrary, I think it would be good to share all experiences. However, I think that there is a high volume of mixed marriages with some very serious problems, and I think that single Catholics should really be aware of what they may have to face if they decide to enter into a marriage with a non-Catholic. I am sharing my painful experience as a way to help them realize just how important it is to share the same faith. I understand that mixed marriages can be wonderful, but they can also present many conflicts that are not present in marriages between those of the same faith.

 

[StMonicaGuideMe]

Maryjk, I don’t think that’s quite fair to the OP. I’m sure she would be open to hearing it, but she said something key in her post - her ex-husband “said” he was a believer…but his actions proved otherwise. He just wanted what he wanted (as a lot of men do) and just say what they need to say to get what they want. It’s a horrible truth.

Based on her experience, even though she may be open to hearing stories of positive mixed marriages, she would be foolish to consider going down that road again. For whatever reason, God has freed her from something that could have been even more painful (imagine if children were in the mix!).

There is a REASON the Church discourages mixed marriage, and a REASON the bible itself also advises against it. Yes, great grace and conversion can come from them for the un-Catholic spouse, but sometimes it doesnt - sometimes a pain you can’t even imagine comes instead…I know…I’m experiencing it.

OP, if your ex said he lied about his views before marriage, I think an annulment is definitely possible. You entered into it thinking he was being truthful, and if he admitted otherwise, you are not morally bound to him. Your marriage wasn’t valid it sounds like.

Should another man come around, discern carefully. Get to know him well and it’s never a horrible sign if a priest or church lay people know him well, too. They can verify his actions…so you don’t have to depend on words alone ever again God bless you.

 

[HopeEternal]

Should another man come around, discern carefully. Get to know him well and it’s never a horrible sign if a priest or church lay people know him well, too. They can verify his actions…so you don’t have to depend on words alone ever again God bless you.

Thank you. Believe me, I do not want to make the same mistake twice. The purpose of this thread is to prevent others from making the same mistake I made the first time around. If this thread helps prevent even one divorce, then it is worth it. The advice you gave here is something everyone can use. As you said, people need to discern more carefully.

 

[TylerJordan]

Hail Mary…

 

[Corki]

So you would prefer not to hear from those of us that have wonderful marriages, but are not married to a practicing Catholic?

How is that a kind or charitable question?

Sure there are mixed marriages that work. (I am the product of one) But entering into a mixed marriage adds a level of challenge. The Church certainly recognizes this. That’s why there is Church teaching that Catholics should marry other Catholics. It’s a rule that can be dispensed, it’s still a very good rule.

 

[maryjk]

How is that a kind or charitable question?

Sure there are mixed marriages that work. (I am the product of one) But entering into a mixed marriage adds a level of challenge. The Church certainly recognizes this. That’s why there is Church teaching that Catholics should marry other Catholics. It’s a rule that can be dispensed, it’s still a very good rule.

As you can see below, the OP doesn’t seem to think there are any.

I have noticed that a lot of the Catholics posting are involved in relationships with non-Catholics. Some of these posters are married, some are just in the dating phase of the relationship. They all seem to have serious problems in their relationships. I wanted to start a thread for those in mixed marriages to share their stories. I am hoping that this thread will give single Catholics something to think about and really understand the difficulties that are ahead for them if they are considering a mixed marriage.

So the OP wants posters to share their horror stories, to scare those entering marriage.

Heck, even she said her husband was Christian. But he was a liar. He could have claimed to be Catholic, it wouldn’t have mattered. Since he was a liar.

Maybe we should instead post stories about jerks we dated (or married), regardless of their religious affiliation? That way we can help people avoid jerks.

 

[jpink1019]

How about this.
I am not married but I have been dating for almost 5 years now, to an enthusiastically catholic man. I know that God will always be a high priority in his personal life. I also feel deeply grounded in my own relationship with God, but I am not catholic.

This is not to say that I won’t EVER be catholic, but converting/ becoming catholic is not easy decision when I already experience a relationship with Jesus and daily carry my cross, whether that be through prayer, or reading my bible, going to church… whatever.

With all that being said, we are making plans towards marriage.
And we do realize that we need to be on the same page with certain issues and make certain decisions.

So… lets hear your thoughts on this, since “mixed” marriages are discouraged.

 

[jpink1019]

Hail Mary…

what?

 

[HopeEternal]

I can see that joining these forums was a mistake. I’m sorry I shared my story and I would like to respectfully ask the moderators to remove my post. Thank you.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I can see that joining these forums was a mistake. I’m sorry I shared my story and I would like to respectfully ask the moderators to remove my post. Thank you.

Hey, not so fast. I think you’re right. My horror story is that I married a devout Catholic like myself, and our marriage failed. My son is almost 7 and I don’t intend to date until he understands (and not until I have an annulment) and if I’m ready to date after that, I still cannot imagine dating someone other than a Catholic, if only because my roots as a Catholic run so deep.

You are good people, HopeEternal, and my prayers are with you.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

How is that a kind or charitable question?

**Sure there are mixed marriages that work. (I am the product of one) ** But entering into a mixed marriage adds a level of challenge. The Church certainly recognizes this. That’s why there is Church teaching that Catholics should marry other Catholics. It’s a rule that can be dispensed, it’s still a very good rule.

 

[LoveJesus13]

HopeEternal,

I wanted to say thank you for your touching and honest story! My heart was breaking while reading it because it reminded me of a relationship I had with a non-believer and one who was also a lying Catholic. The good thing for me is that I didn’t marry either one of them and I commend you for remaining strong in your experience. Being in those kinds of relationships alone were already so hard and painful I can’t even fathom how more difficult it would be if marriage was in the equation.

God has guided you to be more wise now and one the best advice I received was that going through these kinds of experiences will only make our husband-choosing skills better because we know now what to look out for and avoid.

And lastly, don’t get discouraged by some of these posters. I agree that starting this thread can be beneficial since there is a high volume of people seeking advice re: mixed relationships/marriages. The Corinthians verse is something I firmly believe now and for those who are in mixed rels/marriages kudos to you! It works for some and not for others. But pls. let’s not try to be negative, I don’t think HopeEternal was saying you CANT share positive stories for those who are successful, but more so the thread’s focus would be that of unsuccessful ones.

Don’t get discouraged with sharing your stories here and you don’t have to ask to remove your post, everyone is welcome to share. Again thank you, your story gives me wisdom and hope that we have to be patient for God’s plan for us.

God bless you and stay strong!

 

[Demetra2]

My husband and I were of two different faiths when we were first married 36 years ago. He is Catholic and I was Greek orthodox ( now a Catholic convert). We both had a strong belief in God and therefore the same moral beliefs so that helped tremendously and we were respectful of each other’s religions. But we had major problems with being two different faiths when our children came along. Unfortunately my Greek Orthodox parents created a great deal of trauma because they demanded that our children be baptized Greek Orthodox.My husband and I had always intended to raise our children Catholic but we begrudgingly relented and agreed to my parent’s request in order to keep the peace. This was a big mistake. As the years went by we realized just how important it was to raise our children in the Catholic faith and we made plans to do this. I was worried about my parents reaction for good reason and when they found out that we intended to raise our children as Catholics they disinherited me. The relationship became very tense and abusive and eventually fell apart. People are shocked when I reveal this sad story but it is a word to the wise when choosing a spouse of a different religion. Even though the two of you may be on the same page your future-in-laws may not and cause tremendous grief for you. Despite all this I have no regrets in raising my children as Catholics or my own conversion. God has been very good to me.

 

[josh987654321]

I can see that joining these forums was a mistake. I’m sorry I shared my story and I would like to respectfully ask the moderators to remove my post. Thank you.

Don’t do that, I for one, am glad you shared.

Religion is an important factor when it comes to marriage I think, so many brush over it. I know before I enter into marriage, religion will certainly be a topic “open” for discussion. There will be no “agree to disagree.” If me and my future wife whoever she may be, cannot work out our religious differences with me and be on the same page with religion, than what hope would we have for future issues?

I don’t think you must date only Catholic’s for better chances, I just think next time, if you do get the annulment, don’t leave things like religion unchallenged, if they are Christian, why are they not a devout Christian? because you face the same dangers with a Catholic. Just because they claim to be Catholic or Christian doesn’t remove this danger.

Do you think a woman in the same denomination of Christianity that he claimed to be in would have had any better chances? Id say no, because he renounced his Christianity anyway and said he was more Agnostic.

So I think it’s important that they are a practicing Christian, than both parties should decide to work out their religious differences and be on a united front, because if both parents are saying different things about Christianity, than what hope do their kids have? they are more likely to just through the whole thing out the window because their parents can’t even make up their own minds. So I would say, “We are going to discuss this, we will discuss it until either you convert to my religion or you can convince me to convert to your religion.”

I think it’s important that they don’t settle with “agree to disagree.” Because as Abraham Lincoln said “A house divided cannot stand.”

Matthew 12:25
25 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.

I would also like to ask, how long were you dating before you married him? Id also like to ask, looking back on him as you were dating, were there many warning signs that stood out to you in which you ignored back then? because there are always warning signs unless you didn’t date for very long or slept with him before marriage.

God Bless

Thanks for reading
Josh

 

[BettyBoop416]

After we were married, I found out that he wasn’t as sincere as I had thought. I soon realized that he didn’t really consider himself a Christian, but more of an agnostic. Even though I knew before marriage that he would not be attending church with me or spending time in prayer with me, I never expected his way of life to be so sinful. He had many vices–excessive drinking, gambling, and a very serious addiction to pornography. I had not seen this side of him before marriage. Without any sort of faith to ground him, he lived his life the way he wanted and felt no remorse for any of his questionable behavior.

It would seem that your problem is not that you married a non-Catholic man, but that you married a dishonest man. One who deceived you about who he really is.

I am married to a non-Catholic and I couldn’t be more happy or satisfied in my marriage. There is not a Catholic man out there that I’d trade my non-Catholic husband for.

 

[maryjk]

It would seem that your problem is not that you married a non-Catholic man, but that you married a dishonest man. One who deceived you about who he really is.

I am married to a non-Catholic and I couldn’t be more happy or satisfied in my marriage. There is not a Catholic man out there that I’d trade my non-Catholic husband for.

Same here.

 

[LoveEveryone]

As you can see below, the OP doesn’t seem to think there are any.
HopeEternal;10849360:

Mixed marriages can work

Seems to me the OP stated otherwise.

But word games aside, people should know the difficulties of having different faiths. That doenst mean that they cant work out.

To the OP, dont leave. Some people get a little sensitive and feel attacked easily.

 

[LoveEveryone]

It would seem that your problem is not that you married a non-Catholic man, but that you married a dishonest man. One who deceived you about who he really is.

This x1000.

To the OP, you were tricked by a dishonest. However I really do feel you should look at the success stories as well as the failures. The success stories may offer insight that is valuable, especially considering they are very happy