For the Christian, homosexual attraction can be an opportunity for holiness --- but what about the average Joe homosexual?

[at9009]

Yes the opportunity.

Because for many people, their same-sex attraction or being gay would never allow them to even consider Christianity for a second. I just happen to be raised in the Catholic faith, so I’ve been more or less willing to reconcile these two aspects. But even here it’s hard. So I can see how a non-Christian would view faith as ridiculous.

One way would be to break the idol in our society of romance + sex = love and happiness. In secular culture, the attitude is basically sex is just fun, enjoy it, and settle down with ‘the one’ when you find them. Then live happily ever after with 2.1 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Rather than address the idol that love is not equal to sex and romance only, Christian culture, by and large, just disagrees on ethics pushing that one should strive for purity so that they can commit to a spouse to live happily ever after (I’m generalizing I know).

The perception out there is if one does not find the ‘one’ and get married they are going to live a life alone full of sadness and without love. Many in Christian culture (this is a generalization I know) associate marriage as the end path, view singleness as more or less temporary path to marriage, singlehood late in adulthood is viewed as bad (sometimes even insinuated lack of spiritual maturity or a character flaw in the person, and is very little support for adults in a single vocation. Even growing up Catholic, there was rarely if ever talk about celibacy (except when talking about religious vocations) and it was talked about and inferred as if everyone ends up married (not treating it as a discernible vocation but rather almost just a check box in life) It does not help that by and large most people in our society have devalued friendship. So, this is primed for creating this false dichotomy for a gay person (especially who is secular) that the options are find a same sex spouse and live happily ever after (‘just as every one does once they find the one’) or being alone and without love within Christianity (add on how some Christians have done a terrible job at supporting a gay Christian in celibacy or even nurture their faith at all).

So a large part of this is to break the idol of romance and marriage (including where is has creeped into certain Christian cultures). To treat marriage as a serious vocation rather than a check box in life that everyone goes through that is the ultimate pathway to fulfillment, happiness, and love which is most certainly the current perception out there. To break the perception of a celibate vocation as a lonely and sad one. To show the value of love within friendship (John 15:13 comes to mind) that our society has so basically devlavued. To show that intimacy does not equal sexual intimacy. There are plenty of things that can be done to help, but one has to be willing to stand and make these kinds of changes.

 

[catholic1seeks]

One way would be to break the idol in our society of romance + sex = love and happiness. In secular culture, the attitude is basically sex is just fun, enjoy it, and settle down with ‘the one’ when you find them. Then live happily ever after with 2.1 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Rather than address the idol that love is not equal to sex and romance only, Christian culture, by and large, just disagrees on ethics pushing that one should strive for purity so that they can commit to a spouse to live happily ever after (I’m generalizing I know).

The perception out there is if one does not find the ‘one’ and get married they are going to live a life alone full of sadness and without love. Many in Christian culture (this is a generalization I know) associate marriage as the end path, view singleness as more or less temporary path to marriage, singlehood late in adulthood is viewed as bad (sometimes even insinuated lack of spiritual maturity or a character flaw in the person, and is very little support for adults in a single vocation. Even growing up Catholic, there was rarely if ever talk about celibacy (except when talking about religious vocations) and it was talked about and inferred as if everyone ends up married (not treating it as a discernible vocation but rather almost just a check box in life) It does not help that by and large most people in our society have devalued friendship. So, this is primed for creating this false dichotomy for a gay person (especially who is secular) that the options are find a same sex spouse and live happily ever after (‘just as every one does once they find the one’) or being alone and without love within Christianity (add on how some Christians have done a terrible job at supporting a gay Christian in celibacy or even nurture their faith at all).

So a large part of this is to break the idol of romance and marriage (including where is has creeped into certain Christian cultures). To treat marriage as a serious vocation rather than a check box in life that everyone goes through that is the ultimate pathway to fulfillment, happiness, and love which is most certainly the current perception out there. To break the perception of a celibate vocation as a lonely and sad one. To show the value of love within friendship (John 15:13 comes to mind) that our society has so basically devlavued. To show that intimacy does not equal sexual intimacy. There are plenty of things that can be done to help, but one has to be willing to stand and make these kinds of changes.

Very good points.

 

[drac16]

While it may be true that homosexuals are turned off of Christianity because of how it sees homosexuality, the same could be said for other groups of people. People who fornicate, for instance; Christianity causes them to be turned off because it disapproves of their fornication. Does that mean christians should affirm fornication as a proper and healthy practice? what about the person who disrespects their parents? should christians change their beliefs about respecting one’s parents? it causes hardship to the child, so therefore Christianity should change to accommodate him/her, right?

Is that a good reason to change any dogma? I personally don’t think so. The ones who need to reform themselves are the persons who put their sexuality over and above their spirituality.

 

[at9009]

While it may be true that homosexuals are turned off of Christianity because of how it sees homosexuality, the same could be said for other groups of people. People who fornicate, for instance; Christianity causes them to be turned off because it disapproves of their fornication. Does that mean christians should affirm fornication as a proper and healthy practice? what about the person who disrespects their parents? should christians change their beliefs about respecting one’s parents? it causes hardship to the child, so therefore Christianity should change to accommodate him/her, right?

Is that a good reason to change any dogma? I personally don’t think so. The ones who need to reform themselves are the persons who put their sexuality over and above their spirituality.

I am going to have to slightly disagree here. For a person who fornicates, they are actively doing something that is sinful. In many cases, a homosexual person simply for being tempted, has been treated poorly by a large substantial group of Christians which has included but not been limited to: the person must not have faith yet because good Christians don’t have ‘those temptations,’ the person must be possessed by a demon, person must have turned their backs on God to experience those temptations, 'if they really had faith, they would be healed and become straight, often animosity as if the person is some kind of Trojan horse within the church, suspicion of the person failing and sinning, not charity but an expectation that the gay person isn’t living within church teaching.

Don’t forget the Christian parents who threw their kids out when their attractions become known irregardless of whether they were celibate or not, Christian leaders who have blamed society ills and natural disasters on ‘the gays’, a prominent Evangelical leader basically equating gay people as 'the enemy, the constant feeling that a gay/ssa Christian (regardless if celibate or not) has to justify their right to call themselves Christian or even participate actively in the church (and if they fail at staying completely closeted expect there is a good chance they’ll lose position in ministry and expect some hostility from some of the Church members).

So when you say its like how we deal with people who fornicate you are comparing apples to oranges. A person who comes in and says they have fornicated and repent of that sin is treated far better than even a celibate gay/ssa person is in many cases. There is no stigma (or at least not nearly as negative) towards the person tempted to fornicate versus the gay person. I wouldn’t be worrying about disownment from my family, ostracized from certain friends, and certain Christian circles if I talked about succumbing to the temptation to fornicate, repenting, and trying to get my self back on track. Yet, if I even admit to just having same sex attractions, then I do have to worry about disownment and ostracized (regardless that I’m celibate and working on my chastity)

I’m basically told in many cases I can’t even talk about my struggles with loneliness and my own temptations because from what I’ve heard from most online or even in person when they talk about this issue, any mention of someone’s sexuality that isn’t straight is that ‘rubbing it in their face’ and ‘the issue should only be between me and my confessor’ which roughly translates (and feels like to me) ‘we don’t like dealing with you and your issue expect in the abstract intellectual and theological discussion so just don’t ever talk about it so we can just pretend you don’t really exist. It makes our lives easier so just be a good lad and sit in the back of the pews and be quiet’. Then dealing with people always asking marriage/romantic relationships (as if it is the ultimate fulfillment even though we have teaching that includes celibate vocations). However, NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE IN A CELIBATE VOCATION. It’s just expected almost that they’ll figure it out on their own and that we should really only invest our time in marriage, premarital counseling, and dating ministries. Not to mention, we as a society have basically devalued friendship so much. So though a same sex attraction individual is often struggling with the idea of not having that romantic relationship, society and even Christian culture often can somewhat enforce this false narrative that the same sex Christian fights against that single and celibate = alone and without love. But yeah that is just l like a person who struggles with fornication except all these differences.

The issue is not the teaching. The issue is the approach of support, pastoral care, etc a person who struggles with fornication issues receives versus what a same sex attracted/gay Christian receives. THAT is the issue. The fact that so many gay people think that they are inherently sinning for being attracted to others of the same sex, that God doesn’t love them because of these attractions, that most Christians think they chose their attractions, and that they (if ever Christian) had very little support in dealing with this issue is a evidence of failure on our part. When there is little hope or support with a cross in addition to people adding extra weights to it, it should come to no surprise to us that some just give up and leave the faith.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Don’t forget the Christian parents who threw their kids out when their attractions become known irregardless of whether they were celibate or not, Christian leaders who have blamed society ills and natural disasters on ‘the gays’, a prominent Evangelical leader basically equating gay people as 'the enemy, the constant feeling that a gay/ssa Christian (regardless if celibate or not) has to justify their right to call themselves Christian or even participate actively in the church (and if they fail at staying completely closeted expect there is a good chance they’ll lose position in ministry and expect some hostility from some of the Church members).

So when you say its like how we deal with people who fornicate you are comparing apples to oranges. A person who comes in and says they have fornicated and repent of that sin is treated far better than even a celibate gay/ssa person is in many cases. There is no stigma (or at least not nearly as negative) towards the person tempted to fornicate versus the gay person. I wouldn’t be worrying about disownment from my family, ostracized from certain friends, and certain Christian circles if I talked about succumbing to the temptation to fornicate, repenting, and trying to get my self back on track. Yet, if I even admit to just having same sex attractions, then I do have to worry about disownment and ostracized (regardless that I’m celibate and working on my chastity)

I’m basically told in many cases I can’t even talk about my struggles with loneliness and my own temptations because from what I’ve heard from most online or even in person when they talk about this issue, any mention of someone’s sexuality that isn’t straight is that ‘rubbing it in their face’ and ‘the issue should only be between me and my confessor’ which roughly translates (and feels like to me) ‘we don’t like dealing with you and your issue expect in the abstract intellectual and theological discussion so just don’t ever talk about it so we can just pretend you don’t really exist. It makes our lives easier so just be a good lad and sit in the back of the pews and be quiet’. Then dealing with people always asking marriage/romantic relationships (as if it is the ultimate fulfillment even though we have teaching that includes celibate vocations). However, NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE IN A CELIBATE VOCATION. It’s just expected almost that they’ll figure it out on their own and that we should really only invest our time in marriage, premarital counseling, and dating ministries. Not to mention, we as a society have basically devalued friendship so much. So though a same sex attraction individual is often struggling with the idea of not having that romantic relationship, society and even Christian culture often can somewhat enforce this false narrative that the same sex Christian fights against that single and celibate = alone and without love. But yeah that is just l like a person who struggles with fornication except all these differences.

The issue is not the teaching. The issue is the approach of support, pastoral care, etc a person who struggles with fornication issues receives versus what a same sex attracted/gay Christian receives. THAT is the issue. The fact that so many gay people think that they are inherently sinning for being attracted to others of the same sex, that God doesn’t love them because of these attractions, that most Christians think they chose their attractions, and that they (if ever Christian) had very little support in dealing with this issue is a evidence of failure on our part. When there is little hope or support with a cross in addition to people adding extra weights to it, it should come to no surprise to us that some just give up and leave the faith.

Thank you for sharing your struggles so openly. I’m sorry you are experiencing such difficulty.

While reading your post a few things came to mind. First, is that we live in a political climate in which one side is actively using separation and divisiveness as a tool to further their political agenda. In part, homosexuals are being used to further this ideology and once their usefulness is finished, they will be at first ignored, then persecuted. The way many heterosexuals feel is that if they don’t actively promote the homosexual lifestyle, they are treated with scorn and disdain, therefore they feel they can’t speak about it. All part of the plan of separation and conflict.

Second, a lot of what you mention is common to celibate heterosexuals as well. I think in part it is just a natural reflection of a person’s state in life. If someone is married with children it is just a natural topic of surface level conversation to ask if someone is married or has children. No offense is meant, at least I’ve never met someone who ask the question to make someone feel uncomfortable.

I believe people do discuss how to be supportive of a vocation of celibacy, but they tend to be those living the celibate lifestyle. I think married people discussing how celibate people should live would be met with the same criticism priests face as to how a celibate person can give counsel to a married couple. Not saying it is accurate, just what I’ve heard.

Third, I sense some just general dissatisfaction with life in your post which doesn’t sound like it is homosexual specific. It could just as easily be described by any given person.

Again, I am sorry you are experiencing difficulty and hope you find peace.

 

[at9009]

Third, I sense some just general dissatisfaction with life in your post which doesn’t sound like it is homosexual specific. It could just as easily be described by any given person.

Again, I am sorry you are experiencing difficulty and hope you find peace.

Not dissatisfaction just overstressed and frustrated. The productive of very demanding and often stressful graduate school work while dealing with the stress of being in the closet with family and close friends worrying about what will happen when or if they find out. Not to mention even wondering what would happen if my Christian student fellowship group would do if they found out.

It’s also rather discouraging when you are mentally and physically drained when spending extended time with family dealing with this secrecy and constantly worrying about the inevitable when they figure out (can’t be too long as I’m in my mid-20s and never dated, can’t use school or career an excuse forever). They certainty would not respond well and I’m actually preparing myself for the possible situation where I would lose all contact with all or part of my family (which is knda sad considering all else, we have a good relationship). They just don’t seem to handle this issue well at all.

If someone is married with children it is just a natural topic of surface level conversation to ask if someone is married or has children. No offense is meant, at least I’ve never met someone who ask the question to make someone feel uncomfortable. .

I didn’t mean to imply it was meant to make someone uncomfortable. So basically when asked I say no, I’m not dating or married. The next response usually is why not or an attempt to set me up which leads me to deflecting the topic and using school as an excuse. The less helpful responses I get are, I need to mature and start dating (I think they think I’m focusing too much on school and have misdirected priorities) and “you don’t want to be all alone do you?” The ladder feeds right into my fear of being all alone and wondering who will come to help me when I’m sick as I age so it can be rather unintentionally discouraging. I don’t really want to say “No I’m not dating because I’m attracted to other guys and because of my beliefs I’m celibate (I have discerned marriage is likely not my calling)” but if I could just be open and not have to deal with this question frequently and feel like I have to skirt around the issue. Yet, I know of sadly not a small number of people if they knew ‘my secret’ they wouldn’t react too well and it’d probably be detrimental to any friendship.

First, is that we live in a political climate in which one side is actively using separation and divisiveness as a tool to further their political agenda .

I understand but often the product of the climates on both sides is that someone like me isn’t really wanted by either side and at best merely tolerated. So I often do feel like I’m caught as collateral damage in the no man’s land in the middle of culture war that neither side particular cares much about (I know not everyone is like this but its hard to not feel discouraged at times).

I believe people do discuss how to be supportive of a vocation of celibacy, but they tend to be those living the celibate lifestyle .

This is where I have a problem. We realize that marriage is a vocation that is difficult at times and often requires support. Everyone, even those not within marriage, can support and help support those who are married and struggling. Why is it with celibacy, it’s basically viewed as handle it on your own (and if you can’t it feels like the view is you must not ‘be have the gift for celibacy’ and thus are called for marriage). I think if we introduced celibate vocations and talked about it more, we could actually figure out ways to support and hold up those in celibate vocations (including ways of how to help with loneliness and stuff like that). Interesting Wesley Hill who wrote a book Spiritual Friendship (haven’t read it yet, but suppose to be good).

Thanks for your response and the conversation. I apologize for the ramble and now realize I’m distracting too much from the original topic so there is no pressure or expectation of responding, so everyone can get back to the discussion the OP wanted to have.

 

[o_mlly]

So then the question could be asked more broadly - why does God let anyone experience certain strong tendencies that are against Christian faith, if these people will in fact be turned off from Christianity because of their attractions?

Because He loves us He does not withdraw His gift of free will. Because He loves us He sent His only Son to redeem us. Because He loves us He makes available all the graces necessary to overcome our evil inclinations. We only have to ask. Without free will we could not be saints and be with Him in eternity.

 

[Rau]

… for many people, their same-sex attraction or being gay would never allow them to even consider Christianity for a second. I just happen to be raised in the Catholic faith, so I’ve been more or less willing to reconcile these two aspects. But even here it’s hard. So I can see how a non-Christian would view faith as ridiculous.

If a person believes it is right and proper to form a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex, then it is not surprising they might reject the Christian/Catholic faith.

Could we not make the same statement with reference to polygamists, or bank robbers or fornicators or murderers?

 

[at9009]

If a person believes it is right and proper to form a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex, then it is not surprising they might reject the Christian/Catholic faith.

Could we not make the same statement with reference to polygamists, or bank robbers or fornicators or murderers?

Not a perfect comparison. We live in a society that has basically idolatrized romantic love (with sex). The secular world will tell you to go out find someone you like, have sexual relations, and the bond develops. If it doesn’t drop that person and move on till you find ‘the one.’) The implication is that the ultimate fulfillment in life is finding the ‘love of your life’ to live happily ever after else you will be alone and without love. Sadly, some Christian culture seems to be built upon this false premise of romantic love and happy versus alone and sad. They just disagree on ethics arguing that one should abstain from sexual relations till they find the right person and marry because it will be so much longer and better (effect of the purity culture mentality). However, they basically still treat marriage and love as the only real pathway to fulfillment and happiness.

With this false premise a gay person sees Christianity as requiring them to ‘be alone without love’ while having no faith allows them to find ‘love and be happy.’ With that kind of perspective, rationalization can be very strong (this can be seem in people who seem dismiss teachings on divorce/remarriage as well because though they realize it is technically an adulterous relationship, they consider being alone and without love a worse fate thus rationalize their sinful state).

So, a major response would be to first attack this false premise and idolatry in society and put marriage back into its rightful vocational place (not a check box in life but a discerned vocation, comes with trials and tribulations, has its joys, it’s focus is on self-sacrificial love that embodies Christ rather than own society’s often selfish look at love). It would also to talk better about celibate vocations, to re-establish non-romantic love like that in friendship, create support structures for those not called to marriage. All of this would help destroy the false perception they have, that they either find love and live a prosperous life mentality or look into Christianity where they will be forced to be alone with not much real support structure. People like Wesley Hill, Ron Belgau, Eve Tushet, etc. are good examples of gay/ssa people who living within faith traditions that adhere to a traditional sexual ethic.

The teaching on being sinful is similar across your three examples, however the implication of the teaching on each person isn’t quite the same which is why it’s not a perfect comparison. I think a better analogy would be to compare to a divorced person who is unable to reconcile with their previous spouse and not able to get an annulment thus also called to celibacy involuntarily.

 

[PluniaZ]

Romans 1:16-32 comes to mind:

16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel. For it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth, to the Jew first, and to the Greek.
17 For the justice of God is revealed therein, from faith unto faith, as it is written: The just man liveth by faith.
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and injustice of those men that detain the truth of God in injustice:
19 Because that which is known of God is manifest in them. For God hath manifested it unto them.
20 For the invisible things of him, from the creation of the world, are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made; his eternal power also, and divinity: so that they are inexcusable.
21 Because that, when they knew God, they have not glorified him as God, or given thanks; but became vain in their thoughts, and their foolish heart was darkened.
22 For professing themselves to be wise, they became fools.
23 And they changed the glory of the incorruptible God into the likeness of the image of a corruptible man, and of birds, and of fourfooted beasts, and of creeping things.
24 Wherefore God gave them up to the desires of their heart, unto uncleanness, to dishonour their own bodies among themselves.
25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie; and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
26 For this cause God delivered them up to shameful affections. For their women have changed the natural use into that use which is against nature.
27 And, in like manner, the men also, leaving the natural use of the women, have burned in their lusts one towards another, men with men working that which is filthy, and receiving in themselves the recompense which was due to their error.
28 And as they liked not to have God in their knowledge, God delivered them up to a reprobate sense, to do those things which are not convenient;
29 Being filled with all iniquity, malice, fornication, avarice, wickedness, full of envy, murder, contention, deceit, malignity, whisperers,
30 Detractors, hateful to God, contumelious, proud, haughty, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
31 Foolish, dissolute, without affection, without fidelity, without mercy.
32 Who, having known the justice of God, did not understand that they who do such things, are worthy of death; and not only they that do them, but they also that consent to them that do them.

 

[fisherman_carl]

Pardon the way the question was phrased, but I think I got the basic idea squeezed into the heading.

The Catholic Church likes to talk about how same-sex attraction can be a beautiful opportunity to find strength and God and foster a life of holiness. People in the church as well as official writings acknowledge that homosexual attraction is not chosen, and that it can be a very hard struggle in the life of faith.

So I understand that – in theory – the homosexual Christian is able to take up his cross, follow Christ, and achieve a beautiful life of sanctity. Our life, after all, is not about earthly happiness, for we are transcendent beings meant for a much greater fulfillment.

Okay.

But what about the people who have not been raised with this faith perspective, those whose faith does not “click” in this way? What about those people who – because of their upbringing, personality, or experiences – simply will not find the church’s alternative to be reasonable, at all?

We all know people in our lives who are like this. Perhaps many of us have close gay friends or family. They have a certain view of the world. They have a certain perspective, they are even good people, they are loving, caring, and family-oriented. They may even be part of a religious or Christian tradition that accepts same-sex marriage. They have this deep attraction, this deep orientation, that affects who they are. But for whatever reason, it simply is a ridiculous thought that they would ever see traditional Catholic teaching as making any sense of their attractions and experiences (say their experiences with their partners, gay lovers, etc.).

What’s the point of this person’s same-sex attraction? I assume that their ignorance and experience will excuse them for participating in an active homosexual life. (I.e., They won’t go to hell simply because they don’t live by the Catholic way.) But this question isn’t really about that, and I don’t want to debate moral culpability. And I don’t really care for the simple answer “By God’s grace, anyone can come to see the Catholic view on homosexuality.” The fact is, there are plenty of well-meaning people who are probably moved by God’s grace at whatever stage in life they are in (Catholic or not, Christian or not). Yet many of them do not adopt the traditional approach, which demands lifelong celibacy.

As another thought, it seems that for many of these people, their same-sex attraction is an upfront, obvious obstacle to belief in Catholicism or traditional Christianity at all. For example, I have an atheist friend who is also gay. The thought of traditional Christian approaches to homosexuality would be so far removed from his mind, that the simple suggestion of that worldview would probably move him even further from religion and God. Still, grace…

So… any thoughts?

They don’t need to be condemned, but brought to Jesus. Without a relationship with Jesus it won’t matter what you tell them about their lifestyle. If a soldier is shot in the chest you don’t treat his cold first. First they must be given the gospel. Without that nothing else makes sense. To the natural mind the way of God does not make sense. They must be given a new mind, a spiritual mind, made in the image of Christ. A person must want God above everything else. If one loves anything else including the homosexual lifestyle above God then they have an idol. They need to reprioritize what is truly important. Our lives are short. Everyone is going to die including homosexuals. Matters of Eternity greatly outweigh lesser matters and put things in perspective. The family that they seek is in the Church, in heaven and on earth. With Mary as their mother.

 

[fisherman_carl]

Natural law leads us to the way of nature. But, we have something that no natural law could conceive of and that is the intellect and the will. It is not enough to have natural law when you have an unnatural mind that can go above nature or that is not limited by nature. It needs a direction and that direction must be above it, not below it, and therefore it must be towards God. If it is to nature alone it will become both good and cruel since nature is both. If it is to God it will be directed to spiritual realities, to holiness, love and eternal joy.

 

[catholic1seeks]

I am going to have to slightly disagree here. For a person who fornicates, they are actively doing something that is sinful. In many cases, a homosexual person simply for being tempted, has been treated poorly by a large substantial group of Christians which has included but not been limited to: the person must not have faith yet because good Christians don’t have ‘those temptations,’ the person must be possessed by a demon, person must have turned their backs on God to experience those temptations, 'if they really had faith, they would be healed and become straight, often animosity as if the person is some kind of Trojan horse within the church, suspicion of the person failing and sinning, not charity but an expectation that the gay person isn’t living within church teaching.

Don’t forget the Christian parents who threw their kids out when their attractions become known irregardless of whether they were celibate or not, Christian leaders who have blamed society ills and natural disasters on ‘the gays’, a prominent Evangelical leader basically equating gay people as 'the enemy, the constant feeling that a gay/ssa Christian (regardless if celibate or not) has to justify their right to call themselves Christian or even participate actively in the church (and if they fail at staying completely closeted expect there is a good chance they’ll lose position in ministry and expect some hostility from some of the Church members).

So when you say its like how we deal with people who fornicate you are comparing apples to oranges. A person who comes in and says they have fornicated and repent of that sin is treated far better than even a celibate gay/ssa person is in many cases. There is no stigma (or at least not nearly as negative) towards the person tempted to fornicate versus the gay person. I wouldn’t be worrying about disownment from my family, ostracized from certain friends, and certain Christian circles if I talked about succumbing to the temptation to fornicate, repenting, and trying to get my self back on track. Yet, if I even admit to just having same sex attractions, then I do have to worry about disownment and ostracized (regardless that I’m celibate and working on my chastity)

I’m basically told in many cases I can’t even talk about my struggles with loneliness and my own temptations because from what I’ve heard from most online or even in person when they talk about this issue, any mention of someone’s sexuality that isn’t straight is that ‘rubbing it in their face’ and ‘the issue should only be between me and my confessor’ which roughly translates (and feels like to me) ‘we don’t like dealing with you and your issue expect in the abstract intellectual and theological discussion so just don’t ever talk about it so we can just pretend you don’t really exist. It makes our lives easier so just be a good lad and sit in the back of the pews and be quiet’. Then dealing with people always asking marriage/romantic relationships (as if it is the ultimate fulfillment even though we have teaching that includes celibate vocations). However, NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE IN A CELIBATE VOCATION. It’s just expected almost that they’ll figure it out on their own and that we should really only invest our time in marriage, premarital counseling, and dating ministries. Not to mention, we as a society have basically devalued friendship so much. So though a same sex attraction individual is often struggling with the idea of not having that romantic relationship, society and even Christian culture often can somewhat enforce this false narrative that the same sex Christian fights against that single and celibate = alone and without love. But yeah that is just l like a person who struggles with fornication except all these differences.

The issue is not the teaching. The issue is the approach of support, pastoral care, etc a person who struggles with fornication issues receives versus what a same sex attracted/gay Christian receives. THAT is the issue. The fact that so many gay people think that they are inherently sinning for being attracted to others of the same sex, that God doesn’t love them because of these attractions, that most Christians think they chose their attractions, and that they (if ever Christian) had very little support in dealing with this issue is a evidence of failure on our part. When there is little hope or support with a cross in addition to people adding extra weights to it, it should come to no surprise to us that some just give up and leave the faith.

 

[Rau]

…Well…many heterosexuals who are not married don’t adopt that approach, either. So…I will guess that most don’t do it for the same reason…they don’t believe the “traditional” approach is the wise, healthy, right approach to take.

Reserving sex for marriage is self evidently wise and healthy. Many people simply view it as unnecessary.

 

[Rau]

There are a lot of happy, thriving couples who have sex, but are not legally married.
And their situation is self evidently wise and healthy.

Your statement is not comparative. The wiser course is self-evident. Many view it as unnecessary.