For those who have lost at least one parent

  • Thread starter Thread starter cmscms
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

cmscms

Guest
Like everyone, I have had my share of crosses in life. But one gift I had which I have been VERY grateful for since my mid 20s is the fact my parents had a solid marriage and there was NEVER any question of divorce. Also, they had the mentality ‘Give a man a meal, he will eat for a day, teach a man to hunt and he will eat for the rest of his life’ so they supported me in my education and expected me to take care of myself. However, they were nontheless generous. For example, once I needed dental surgery and my insurance paid only 80% and they offered to pay the difference.

Now that my dad is gone, I feel a sense of ‘aloneness’ At first I felt like half and orphan and it was an odd feeling. But… whenever life gets hard (which is a lot lately but that is another post), I feel more abandonned by God and closer to my biological father. I wish I could have more faith in God

For example, my dad was NEVER one who could show his love. He though his insults were compliments. For example, I use to visit my parents and make my mom dance with me in the kitchen. My father would ask ‘what kind of a dance is that, it looks horrid’. As much as it hurt, I know it is because he didn’t know any better. But now, I can’t help but think he is in heaven and can see my every move and is proud of me when I do things right. And I feel closer to him now. We had our differences, Lords knows we did. And now that he is gone, there is a relief that I no longer have to fight with him. That I no longer need to make my point becausee he can now see it.

Yet, there is all the practical things to deal with. ie my 84 year old mom wants to go to a home and she will be in a tight financial situation and if doesn’t sell the house. Of course I think she should let it go cheap so it will sell, but I keep my opinions to myself because I believe she deserves her independance (but I worry).

I even sometimes feel guilty because I DON"T wish my dad was still here. I am very grateful to God that he took my dad before we had to take away the car and put him in a home. I am grateful my dad died as my mom was putting him to bed since I know that is how he wanted to go

Yet, there is still some kind of naggin aloneness that I can’t shake. There is the fear of realy having to be an adult now. It is really easy to be an adult when there are parents to fall back on, but now that it is absolutely out of the question, there is a fear. I wonder if married people feel that way or if they are just so use to relying on their spouse, this does not cross their minds

So… I guess I just needed to ramble

CM
 
I lost my mom in December - my dad has cancer and lives independently alone. I worry. I feel like I have to take care of him. Yet I have a child at home who is in high school, my own house, kids in college, and my own job. It can be stressful. Oh, and my husband died a year and a half ago, and I have no siblings, so it really is just me!

I say lots of prayers.
 
Eternal rest grant unto those who have passed on, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

For the intentions of the families and friends who have lost a parent I pray:

Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kindgom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliever us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.

May the most just, the most loveable, and the most high Will of God be done, be praised, be fulfilled in all things. Amen.
 
cmscms said:
Yet, there is still some kind of naggin aloneness that I can’t shake. There is the fear of realy having to be an adult now.
Click to expand...
After my Dad passed I used to describe it as feeling like a kid they took to the amusement park and then they left me there. Those places are fine with your parents, but way scary alone.

I live alone, also. Gather your Parish about you, find friends you have none, make connections with folks, volunteer somewhere. And take up a new devotion to some sort of prayer. More prayer is always the answer, you know.

It gets better after a while. Your mom will need you a lot to not forget her and be there for her. You’ll see, you’ll grow into a new way of being. Just let it happen.

I’m sorry for your loss.
 
My father died when I was 14, my mother when I was 18: I’m 21, and have no other living kin.

It’s hard at times.
There is the fear of realy having to be an adult now. It is really easy to be an adult when there are parents to fall back on, but now that it is absolutely out of the question, there is a fear. I wonder if married people feel that way or if they are just so use to relying on their spouse, this does not cross their minds.
Click to expand...
Straight-up.
 
I don’t think its better for married people. My boss lost her mother when she was 29 and her dad at 35. She sais her husband is wonderful, but with 2 living parents he dosn’t understand. She hated her sisters growing up but is very close to them now.

Point is. Spouses can only help so much. Therepy and developing other relationships helps much more.
 
SeaShoreGirl said:
I don’t think its better for married people. My boss lost her mother when she was 29 and her dad at 35. She sais her husband is wonderful, but with 2 living parents he dosn’t understand. She hated her sisters growing up but is very close to them now.

Point is. Spouses can only help so much. Therepy and developing other relationships helps much more.
Click to expand...
I think deep down I knew that but when you are single and have no idea what it is to be married, you always wonder. As I suspect some married people wonder what it would be like to be single again
 
cmscms said:
I think deep down I knew that but when you are single and have no idea what it is to be married, you always wonder. As I suspect some married people wonder what it would be like to be single again
Click to expand...
Grass is ALWAYS greener. You have to stop yourself from wondering yourself into pain.

I have a FH. His music tastes are different than mine. I have friends…both male and female that have the same music tastes. If I chose to dwell on that I could do some serious damage to my view of him and enevidably our relationship.

In your case you don’t have a spouse and what that wondering will do is to hurt and embitter the relationships that may be vital to healing. You need to fight the mindset that “oh Jaycee’s words are nice but if I just had a BF/FH/DH I’d feel so much better”. We have a natural tendency to do that we also have natural tendencies to steal but are taught as small children its not ok. Do the same for these feelings. They do nothing but cause you pain
 
Eternal rest grant unto those who have passed on, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

For the intentions of the families and friends who have lost a parent I pray:

Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kindgom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliever us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.

May the most just, the most loveable, and the most high Will of God be done, be praised, be fulfilled in all things. Amen.
 
cmscms said:
I think deep down I knew that but when you are single and have no idea what it is to be married, you always wonder. As I suspect some married people wonder what it would be like to be single again
Click to expand...
I was 26 when my dad passed away. I was married with a six month old son. I didn’t find my husband any help but did get comfort from my brothers and sisters.

I think I handled his death well because I had closure. He was an abusive alcoholic but quit drinking a couple years before he died. I was able to get to know the real man for a short period of time and I was able to forgive him.

We always wonder about the other side. I dream of being alone in a little apartment when I retire.
 
cmscms, I can understand the lonlieness of loosing a parent. I was 32 and in my last week of chemo when my dad, who had been fighting MS for 8 years, choked on food and passed away. I had moved my mom and dad on a far lot of my property so they could retire. He was sick, but we had figured we had more time. I was there 10 minutes after he died…10 minutes too late. I had once done the heimlich on him before and cleared a choke, but this time it didn’t happen like that.

Two years later, my mom was living in the same house. I used to go check on her every couple of days. I went to her house one August day in 2006 to find her slumped over in her bedroom doorway. She had died instantly of a heart infraction a few days earlier. Her condition was very poor , but the Lord spared me to see her face by her position. I don’t think I could have handled seeing her face in that condition.

I can’t say it gets any easier, but I will say that good memories will replace bad ones. It takes time for this to happen. Hang in there. Samson
 
SeaShoreGirl said:
I don’t think its better for married people. My boss lost her mother when she was 29 and her dad at 35. She sais her husband is wonderful, but with 2 living parents he dosn’t understand. She hated her sisters growing up but is very close to them now.

Point is. Spouses can only help so much. Therepy and developing other relationships helps much more.
Click to expand...
Well, it depends on how you get along with your in-laws. My mother died when I was 10. My father, in 1994. My husband’s parents are both still alive, and his grandmother lived until 2005. The only grandparent I knew was my mother’s mother, and she died the year before my mother did. I do have many first cousins on my father’s side, and probably hundreds of second and second once removed cousins, but we’re not in close contact.

But I get along very well with my MIL, so I kind of co-opt her as a back-up mom.

My sister and I have healed all of our former problems and are close again. We’re all the family we have now.

The worst loneliness I ever felt was when my 1st son was born. I wanted my mother SO BADLY it physically hurt. I hadn’t truly thought about her and missed her in 20 years, but I ACHED for her, for her to know my son, to hold him, to tell me how to be a mommy. It was just so hard.

And my sons have grown up without knowing their grandmother and neither will remember my dad, either. That’s just so sad.

😦
 
Norseman82 said:
Dad when I was 9, mom when I was 14.

This has got to be among the most insulting and messed up posts I’ve ever read on this forum :mad: :mad:
Click to expand...
No offense intended, and not to side with anyone, but what SeaShoreGirl said is actually correct thinking. She’s probably been through therapy too. I have and to be ashamed of it is frankly a sign of immaturity. My wife doesn’t understand the pain I went through when my parents died so young. Her father was 88 when he passed. Her mother is 85 and still kicking strong. My mom died on Christmas Eve at the age of 57. Dad was 60 or 61. I’m 50 now and wondering if I even have a decade left of my life. My youngest child is 6 and I worry about it because of her and my 10 year old. It’ll be hard on my 17 year old, but he’s nearly out of the house. My wife will be fine, sad, but fine. She’ll be okay and I’ve come to make peace with it. God iwilling I’ll live another 50, even if its in pain. But its not me I want to live that long, it’s for my children. We are estranged from my family because of their anit-Catholic attacks and some for their wicked ways. My wife’s family is not quite so intense, but they are a strong leadership Protestant family in the church of Christ with many deacons, preachers and elders. Makes things uncomfortable during visits…
 
Norseman82 said:
Dad when I was 9, mom when I was 14.

This has got to be among the most insulting and messed up posts I’ve ever read on this forum :mad: :mad:
Click to expand...
I’m sorry. But often spouses dont help heal. Be a support, sure but sometimes less so than a sister or friend. You simply cannot put that burdan of healer, savior and “makes everything perfect” on a spouses. Norseman, we get that you are bitter about not having a spouse, but a spouse really isnt an end all be all. They are another human as flawed and weak as any other.

I have a different situation. I have biological parents and two sets of adoptive parents. My first set of adoptive parents unofically raised me 4-8. I literally lived at their house. When I was 7 the mother of the family tried to commit suicide in front of me. They left me behind and left me at the mercy of my bio parents. Then in my late teens I was taken in again and being older was able to cut all ties. I’ve been readopted for nearly ten years. My bio mom died about 6 months ago.

I do have a Signifigant other, my fh. He is also adopted. He is kind, gives me hugs, talks to me. But therepy is what helps and I have three good friends (in their late 40’s) who understand on an empethic level and have been far more helpful than my FH. Again, its not FH’s fault. He just dosnt have the experiance. Other married people seem to agree. Only 1 of my 3 good friends is married btw. So they understand being single and loosing a parent well. And again i know others…like my boss. Who have said things that are very helpful.
 
I agree with SeaShoreGirl.

I have a view point of life that my husband does not have. I went through most of my life without my mother. My father did not remarry until I was grown and long out of the house. It is like coping with a deep handicap. Your wound never quite heals, and passages in life can open it up wide again. Having my first son and having no mother to help me, and to love my baby, was shockingly painful. That was 20+ years after my mother passed away. I’m fortunate that I get along with my MIL, but she is overseas. I love my step-mom, but she is old enough to be my grandmother and doesn’t have the same blood tie to my kids that my real mother would have.

I have a close relationship to death, that my husband not only doesn’t have, he doesn’t understand it. I have no parents on this earth and only one of my paternal aunts remains alive. None on my mother’s side. More people are on the other side of life now, my beloved aunts and uncles and of course both of my parents. I would never expect my husband to understand that. Although he has lost his grandfather and grandmother, both of whom were precious to him, that is in the natural order of life and is expected to some extent.

I will try to be there for him when one of his parents passes. But he could not do the same for me through the years we’ve been married. He just doesn’t have the experiences.
 
Catholic90 said:
I lost my mom in December - my dad has cancer and lives independently alone. I worry. I feel like I have to take care of him. Yet I have a child at home who is in high school, my own house, kids in college, and my own job. It can be stressful. Oh, and my husband died a year and a half ago, and I have no siblings, so it really is just me!

I say lots of prayers.
Click to expand...
I lost my mom 13 years ago. I miss her greatly from time to time especially since she became not only my mom but a good friend. I was blessed with great parents who would always listen. I still have my dad but he’s 69 so a day will come when I’ll loose him too. I don’t dwell on it as it’s a part of life. I lost my aunt recently who was sort of a grandmother to me. I miss speaking with her but take comfort that’s she’s with my mom and the rest of her family in what lies after.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top