Forgiveness when people do bad things on purpose

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Annie

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What I just realized is that those I have the hardest time forgiving are those who do really bad things on purpose.

To be honest, this is a recent problem… before I simply assumed everyone was trying to be good but failing. Then I had to undergo a child protection seminar, which included a film about child molesters.

These horrible people planned it out. They were interviewed and said, yeah, I got her presents, I made friends with the family, I violated her space very gradually, I got her alone from time to time… all that so he could get her alone with him long enough to do what he wanted.

So I am having a hard time seeing how to forgive people who do things on purpose like that.

ETA: this does relate to something in my life
 
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The question is, how do you see yourself in the position where you can forgive or not? God will make that decision, not us.
 
We pray, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us… so, yeah, I do have to forgive.

(You may not have seen that I added that this relates to a personal situation in my life.)
 
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If you are in a position to forgive, you must forgive.

After all, what does it profit you to hold anger and resentment in your heart?
 
Yes, it is terrible. Many of us struggle to forgive, but it is something we have to keep praying about. Pray immediately for any such person in your life, and keep it up. No, it is not easy. Think about how Jesus knew all along how Judas, the money holder who regularly pilfered from the purse, was plotting to betray Him.
 
Well, I can sort of reluctantly pray for this person, but I am still angry.

I think that before, when I simply assumed everything was a mistake, I was ok, I could forgive people.

But now I feel like there is this other class of people–different people who are actually doing bad things on purpose. I can’t figure that part out.
 
We have to make distinctions between the following:

Forgiveness
Absolution
Culpability
Acceptance of evil
Protection of one’s well being

We are called to forgive endlessly within this context.
You can forgive and still incarcerate.
You can forgive but absolution is not up to you.
You can forgive and leave culpability to God.
You can forgive and not pretend you are friends with a person.
Etc…
 
It is a shock to the entire system when we encounter someone who is truly evil, someone perhaps who badly misleads or betrays us. It happens–such people are certainly out there. Don’t worry if you “feel” anger toward them. If it is true evil, we should feel anger. But work on getting your will aligned with God’s, one of forgiveness, and just try to ignore feelings. Move on. I’m not pontificating–I’ve been there and still struggle with angry feelings over people who hurt me years and years ago. It is a process.
 
Forgive, even if you don’t “feel”like it. Forgiveness is an act of the will. Over time God will provide the feelings.
 
Annie said:
So I am having a hard time seeing how to forgive people who do things on purpose like that.
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Maybe it is the problem of their victims to forgive here and not yours?
Annie said:
ETA: this does relate to something in my life
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We cannot do it alone. Ask Christ to help you forgive that. Talk to Him. You need it. So you can be no longer haunted by its memory.
He said we cannot do it without Him.
 
Keep in mind that something upward of 80% of current child molesters were molested when they themselves were children.

That’s one of the (many) reasons it’s so important to stop the cycle of violence any time we can.

And also keep in mind that toxic anger can destroy a person’s life. The process of forgiveness is actually very healing for the victims of a crime.
And yes, you can work on forgiveness even while bringing your attacker to justice.
 
We all have groups of people it’s hard to forgive. For me it’s actually animal abusers. This is not because I like cats and dogs better than children, but rather because society puts a pretty high value on a human life. If someone stabbed and beat a child, or threw a baby from a moving car, then they would likely be hunted down by law enforcement and severely penalized. If someone stabs and beats a dog or throws a cat from a moving car, much of the time they never catch the person, and when they do, he will probably get probation or a fine, unless they can also charge him with some other crime like felon in possession of a gun, or drug possession, etc.

I force myself to pray for such people, and I use a Pardon Cross and say the prayers. I try to remind myself that God loves that guy who is on video torturing an animal, just like he loves me, and that the animal torturer is probably mentally ill or was abused as a child himself.

It’s still hard.

One more thing - forgiveness is an ongoing, iterative process. You might have to say one little tiny prayer for them once a week because it’s all you can handle, then maybe one prayer a day, then work up to whole rosary or Divine Mercy. Rarely does it happen that we just wake up one morning and let go of all anger and resentment. It takes a lot of practice and you might need to work through anger before you can let it go. The biggest mistake people make is telling others they need to forgive right now this minute, like it is a switch you can flip. It doesn’t work like that.
 
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Forgiveness is not the same as returning someone to a position of trust. It is also not excusing the offense. It is letting go of ill will against the person.

In other words, if all of us became perfectly forgiving, that wouldn’t mean that we’d have no prisons. It does not mean there would be no consequences for deliberately committing crimes. It would mean we would be willing to let go of ill will against offenders, content to let the justice and mercy of God be sufficient.

Forgiving is also work that sometimes cannot be accomplished in a day. It can be a process, and that is OK. Provided you intend to work at it, you can have some patience with yourself, too, just as you would if someone else were taking some time to be able to forgive you.
 
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vern_humphrey said:
After all, what does it profit you to hold anger and resentment in your heart?
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Ah, that is a good question that I will have to consider.

I write that because once I noticed I was envious of some people who always got what they wanted, and I asked myself that question: What am I getting out of it? and that was helpful, so your question really is helpful 🙂 Thank you!
Limoncello4021 said:
Think about how Jesus knew all along how Judas, the money holder who regularly pilfered from the purse, was plotting to betray Him.
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Christ asked God to “forgive them, for they know not what they do.” That was the basis I was going on before, but now you have reminded me that Christ either thought no one really knew what they were doing or that He forgave even those who did know what they were doing. It is only if they hold onto what they are doing that His forgiveness can not reach them (so to speak). Thanks so much, this helps!
goout said:
We have to make distinctions between the following:
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I think this may be what I am struggling with. It’s hard for me to understand. Thank you 🙂
Limoncello4021 said:
It is a process.
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Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in struggling with this, even tho theoretically I should know what I am doing!
 
EricF said:
Forgiveness is an act of the will.
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Yeeeaaahhhh… I guess part of me might not want to–but I guess I have to meditate on the Our Father. Do I want God to be slow to forgive me? (Yikes!!!)
Mary888 said:
Ask Christ to help you forgive that. Talk to Him. You need it. So you can be no longer haunted by its memory.
He said we cannot do it without Him.
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Thank you, Mary; you are right, I have been trying to deal with it all on my own.

Thanks, CajunJoy, I’m going to work on this and find out if it is true!
0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
The process of forgiveness is actually very healing for the victims of a crime.
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I remember my amazement when the Amish forgave the man who shot several of their children at school–this was years ago. I can see that not forgiving would be bad for a person, but to be part of the process of healing, this is good to hear. And reassurance that is it hard: thank you for both!
JimG said:
This reminded me of a remarkable story of abuse and forgiveness that was told here:
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Wow, that was amazing. I bookmarked it so I can go back and think about it, several times! Thank you!
Tis_Bearself said:
I force myself to pray for such people, and I use a Pardon Cross and say the prayers.
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Thank you for the practical advice. Oddly enough, I just found the Pardon Cross I bought to replace my old one which I had lost. Now I really know what to do with it 🙂
PetraG said:
It would mean we would be willing to let go of ill will against offenders, content to let the justice and mercy of God be sufficient.
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This is a very helpful definition; it provides a clear goal. Thanks so much!
DIERM said:
Can’t think of a single person not in a position to forgive, so we all are, indeed, required to forgive.
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Although this is a serious statement, it is so characteristic of how we are that it made me laugh, which I needed 😃

Thanks to everyone for all your helpful replies! I feel like I have supplies to help me!!!
 
Good luck! The Pardon Cross has been a big help to me. It’s on my everyday rosary and I try to say the prayer to the BVM associated with it at least once a day or so.
 
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