Forgiving husband after affair

  • Thread starter Thread starter Roo82
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Agree with the advice given so far. The very event that your husband attended, with cocaine offered, should have been turned down immediately by a Catholic husband (or any loving, committed husband and father). The whole “stag party” atmosphere is bad - usually it’s at least going to a strip club, sometimes way more than that (as in, what your husband did). If your husband didn’t know that drugs were going to be on hand, he should have left the minute they were displayed. And something tells me it’s not the first time he’s gotten this drunk…

The infidelity is part of the drug and alcohol abuse. Actually, if it were me, I’d be more worried about those 2 things, because people who are blasted out of their minds on cocaine and drunk on top of it aren’t in their right minds. It’s not as if he had planned an affair.

Yep, he needs rehab, and 12 step groups. You can go to Al-Anon, which is for people who are bothered by someone else’s drinking or drug use.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Agree with the advice given so far. The very event that your husband attended, with cocaine offered, should have been turned down immediately by a Catholic husband (or any loving, committed husband and father). The whole “stag party” atmosphere is bad - usually it’s at least going to a strip club, sometimes way more than that (as in, what your husband did).
Click to expand...
No kidding.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
No kidding.
Click to expand...
It is one of the worst things any man can do. It shows total disregard for women, especially the VOWS the groom is going to take the next day. It is a horrible custom and should die out NOW.

And now women are going out and doing the SAME THING! Including the sex!

:eek:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
It is one of the worst things any man can do. It shows total disregard for women, especially the VOWS the groom is going to take the next day. It is a horrible custom and should die out NOW.

And now women are going out and doing the SAME THING! Including the sex!

:eek:
Click to expand...
I agree, it’s disgusting.
 
Roo82,

I am so sorry that you have to endure this. It is very painful. I know.

First thing first: This act of infidelity is NOT about you, it is about a lack of character on the part of your husband. A case of poor judgement and a selfish, self-centered decision. There is no excuse for it.

But you can’t be throwing out the baby with the bath water. I’m sure your husband is a wonderful man. Do you want to throw away 6 plus years, a sacramental marriage, separate your children from their father for one bad choice? (What if YOU had been the one who made the bad choice? But by the grace of God go I.) Children suffer and grieve divorce just like a death. They grow up with difficulty bonding and committing in future relationships. They feel abandoned and at fault. Children suffer terribly. You have children who need their parents together so they can have a sense of security in their lives.

O.k. that being said, Your trust has been injured, YOU have been hurt and you need time to feel the hurt and grieve. Ask God to send you friends who will support you and your marriage but will be there for you to help you through this. I suggest telling your husband that you need time to process your emotions and ask him to stay with a family member or rent an apartment for a month. You need this space so that you don’t do more damage to your already damaged relationship. Also reassure him that you do not want a divorce and you promise to forgive him no matter how long it takes. Suggest to him to pray for you and your marriage while you are away. You also need to pray not only that you will forgive him but that he will forgive himself.

I assure you he is probably scared out of his wits and feeling terrible shame. You are fortunate that he told you the truth. In my situation I was not told the truth and left to think I was crazy. He wouldn’t apologize or admit fault.

You can do this. You have more to lose by NOT forgiving him and getting divorced than if you work through it. But I tell you honey, you are going to have to fight hard against resentment and bitterness.

God never allows anything to happen unless it will have a greater good. Keep the faith and focus on what you are grateful for. I’m praying for you. Love.
 
Roo,

I am so sorry to read your post. I know what you are going through as my wife of what would have been 18 years this year started having an affair at the 15.5 year point and kept it going for over a year and a half. I discovered it and even then she kept (and still is) in contact with the other guy –who was also married at the time. He has since divorced and mine will be finalized next month. Then the annulment begins. I also thought I would be married for life.

But I know the pain / hurt / betrayal / and the lack of trust that you are experiencing. My views are these:
Code: 
You will forgive your husband – It will take time and you will get angry with him. You should not hide your anger and he should not get defensive or angry himself. This will help you heal and for him also to heal. 

As for regaining trust – only you know that answer, it maybe that you do begin to trust again even though you have doubts at times. It is his responsibility to regain your trust and to prove and show that he can be trusted again.

As for the alcohol that is expected at that type of party but he should have known his limit. And for the drugs he should have left – especially since it was with people he normally would not associate with- any excuse there. 

You also should talk to your husband, as there could have been some underlining issue that he has that caused him to do this. As only he knows the real reason why. . .  as you say he left the hotel. Which brings up the questions:  did this happen in the same hotel that the party was at, and he was just in a spare bedroom? Did he go down stairs to get another room in the hotel? Or was the party at someone’s house and he left with this woman and went to a hotel. The thing is – if he left the place where the party was and went somewhere else – even if it was to the lobby to get another room – that shows intent. That he knew what he was doing and what he was going to do. And if he wore a condom then again intent.
Also as a guy not to vulgar or such, but I do not know any guy that would in the middle of that act, just stop and leave.

Again I am so sorry for your situation and I will pray that God grants you strength and peace of mind. I personally found it very comforting to be in Church also, especially when it was almost empty and peaceful.

May God Bless and Keep you.

Winter
 
TheRealJuliane said:
It is one of the worst things any man can do. It shows total disregard for women, especially the VOWS the groom is going to take the next day. It is a horrible custom and should die out NOW.

And now women are going out and doing the SAME THING! Including the sex!

:eek:
Click to expand...
Yep. And people think that my fiance and I are boring because his bachelor party is a video game night and my bachelorette party is a trip to the chocolate bar. But we both think that strip clubs are cheating and would call the wedding off over it.

And then people ask why I trust that all he’s going to do is play video games. Well 1. Obviously I trust him or we wouldn’t even be talking about marriage, much less doing it. And 2. His best man is a devout Christian who is saving himself for marriage and told my fiance upfront that he could not be the best man if strippers were involved because he regards that as prostitution and he won’t have any part of prostitution or infidelity. My fiance smiled and said “That’s why you’re my best man”.
 
You mentioned that your husband does not have a drug problem. Does he have a drinking problem? The not remembering and acting out of character, I would blame more on the drinking. I have never lose my memory or done anything out of character on cocaine but have many regrets from alcohol use. I have seen many marriages destroyed from alcohol.

I will keep your family in my prayers.
 
Roo82 said:
Thanks for your advice. I wouldn’t call him a drug user. He was offered cocaine and tried it once. He said he hated it and would never want to try drugs again. I fee the problem is me now and if I can ever learn to forgive.
Click to expand...
First of all, THE PROBLEM IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT, WITH YOU.

You have been with this man for over a decade. You are going to know if this was really a one time deal or is part of a pattern of addiction. Remember, even if he never used drugs before, he may have other additctions and this could just be one piece of the puzzle. Talk to your priest and to other people who know your husband and can be objective.

Adultery does not mean that your marriage is over but it is damaged. He has to be the one to start to work on regaining your trust. Until then, you can forgive him with your head but your heart may not be there yet. Maybe you can consider going to counseling or speaking to a priest together. It’s only been a few weeks; no one would expect you to get to the point of forgiveness yet.

You say this happened only a few weeks ago and he’s pleading for you to stay. Does that mean you have threatened to leave? Divorce, for Catholics in a Sacramental marriage, should never be your first reaction. What would you expect to be better if you left? Divorce is really horrible for children. Sure, many come out of it ok but it’s bad while it’s going on. And what about the rest of your life? What do you want for your future? Do you want to live as a divorced mother with small children or do you want to live together in a damaged marriage.

It will never be back like it used to be. But that doesn’t mean that there are not options.
 
My husband recently attended a stag night in Newcastle (England) and he had a few drinks, but he called me from outside a strip bar, he couldn’t go in, it made his skin crawl, he was the only stag not to go in to the strip club. I was on the phone to him for over an hour, eventually he decided to ge a taxi back to the hotel as he couldn’t stand to hang around outside for any longer.

My husband is not Catholic.

My husband is not religious, though he believes in God.

My husband knew that what was going on was wrong and acted against it, even though it brought ridicule from his peers.

I would be worried if my husband acted as yours did, even without a strong religious belief he is an incredibly moral man.

I honestly don’t know if I could ever forgive my husband if he slept with someone else, I suppose in a way I could say that is BECAUSE of his own morality. If that makes sense.
 
Please know that you are not alone. As others have said, I’ll pray for you, your husband and your family.

Before I got married I always said that as hard as it would be I could forgive a one night stand easier than a relationship. A one night stand is physical. A relationship would be both emotional and physical. A year after getting married my husband and I signed up for facebook. It was a big mistake b/c I didn’t know about his past. He had lied to me. Before I knew it he was befriending women he didn’t know and chatting with them. He finally started having an on-line relationship with a woman (married). He wouldn’t give her up. He was having an emotional affair at that point. He went out of town one day. I saw where he had a hotel room in a city no where near where he was supposed to be and not too far from where she lives. I threw him out b/c he again said he wouldn’t give her up.

If one is married they have no business acting like they are single. That includes going to stag parties or chatting with other women on the internet.

At least in your case your husband realizes that he made a big mistake and wants to correct it and save his marriage. He will have to work very hard to regain your trust. With God’s help it is possible.
 
I agree with the advice to get counseling.

One thing I learned from surfing is to “study the ocean” before entering. This is because, that may be your last chance to prevent a problem since things can easily spin out of control if you choose to put yourself in a bad situation.

Your husband has no business going anywhere near a stag party. I think I have only been to one bachelor party, and although there were no “strip joints / women”, the groom drank so much that we were afraid to let him fall asleep because we thought he might die.

I would never go to another one.
 
This is a very tough situation. Psychopaths act out in such risky ways and then flaunt their behavior to friends/family and society. I would look at his behavior in detail. Does he watch porn? Does he stay out a lot? Does he work steadily? Is he demanding? Does he blame you? Is he egotistical? I am assuming this is a shocking aberrant behavior for him- if not, you need to separate.

That said- you cannot have relations with him until after blood tests for whatever he may have contracted. See your doctor asap. He has to be tested or you are risking your life.
He MAY have made a colossally stupid mistake…fueled by alcohol and drugs. I don’t know if he’s an addict, he may just be depressed and/or anxious looking for relief.

If he is genuinely sorry, he will readily consent to whatever you demand- counseling, testing, separation…he has to make this better. And if he is not a narcissist/psychopath (please, look up the traits I am not being dramatic people do marry folks with no conscience that appear normal at first) your marriage can be saved. Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery and I think that means, we can forgive our spouses if warranted.

You have my prayers. Please do not let him slide, get tested, get counseling this is not a sin you just shrug off.
 
Chorister1980 said:
My husband recently attended a stag night in Newcastle (England) and he had a few drinks, but he called me from outside a strip bar, he couldn’t go in, it made his skin crawl, he was the only stag not to go in to the strip club. I was on the phone to him for over an hour, eventually he decided to ge a taxi back to the hotel as he couldn’t stand to hang around outside for any longer.

My husband is not Catholic.

My husband is not religious, though he believes in God.

My husband knew that what was going on was wrong and acted against it, even though it brought ridicule from his peers.

I would be worried if my husband acted as yours did, even without a strong religious belief he is an incredibly moral man.

I honestly don’t know if I could ever forgive my husband if he slept with someone else, I suppose in a way I could say that is BECAUSE of his own morality. If that makes sense.
Click to expand...
Bravo for your husband. Your last statement makes total sense - you would not only have been betrayed, but you would lose respect for your husband who would have been violating HIS OWN strong moral code as well. I agree with you - if my husband ever cheated I just don’t think I could ever see him the same way again. It would take away my respect for him and that would probably be harder to get back than my trust.
 
Roo82 said:
Thanks for your reply. I know it’s going to be along process. My husband consulted our priest and I think that helped him understand how moving on is going to be a long and frustrating process. Do you think a marriage can ever completely recover from infidelity?
Click to expand...
You could try Marriage Encounter and learn some basic communication skills. For any relationship to heal, you have to start talking openly and honestly with each other. Marriages recover all the time from infidelity, yours will too.
 
Hello Roo!

I thought I would sign up. I’ve been reading these forums for a long time, but have never posted. I thought I’d offer some (name removed by moderator)ut with the other voices…

The fact that your husband has done cocaine does not necessarily mean that your husband is a threat. Alcohol is a dangerous drug which damages capacity for decision making more than cocaine. It has numerous negative effects on body and brain, and in many ways it is more dangerous than cocaine. If your husband is to be considered a threat to your children, it should be because of more reason than just doing cocaine once. (Like you said, he has only done it once…).

Getting dangerously drunk is not a reason to seek help from AA for any other support group. Alcohol abuse *may *occur because of emotional reasons which need to be looked at. This does not mean that your husband is an alcoholic. Support for alcohol abuse should be consulted if your husband frequently gets intoxicated with alcohol.

I am sorry for the pain this episode as caused you, this must be awfully difficult for you.

He has admitted to you what he had done. This is a positive thing - it probably means he is genuinely sorry for what he has done. If you come to forgive him, you can most likely be sure that you are forgiving a man who is genuinely sorry. It might be a positive thing in a messy situation, but at least it is a positive thing.

I wish you the best! Thoughts are with you.
 
Roo82 said:
Hi!
I’m looking for some advice and prayers. 3 weeks ago my husband (of 6 years/together for 13yrs) had a one night stand while on a stag night. He confessed a week later during this week he could hardly look at me he said because he felt so guilty. He claims not to remember much about it. Only suddenly realising what he was doing was wrong and literally stopping and leaving the hotel room. He doesn’t even remember what she looked like. He said he was completely out of control due to a taking excessive amounts of cocaine and alchohol.
He seems devestated and is pleading with me to stay with him. We have 3 Children. I really love him but I don’t know if I can forgive him. I am afraid resentment and anger will consume me and our relationship. I just dont know what to do? Marriage is important to me and I thought when I took my wedding vows it would be forever.
Any advice would be most appreciated and please keep us both in your prayer.

Thanks you
Xxx
Click to expand...
Forgive and forget. Sounds easy, but it’s not. But hey, with God and for God, you forgive and forget. 🙂 You make Him the center of your marriage. Take your husband’s hand and walk together to holiness, bring each other closer to God. He must be feeling super guilty, let him know God through you. Love. God is Love.

It took me many months to forgive someone, and years to forget. Until I changed my way of seeing things: I relied on Him, and trusted Him. I built a stronger relationship with God, and I was able to move on, and now I’m so happy! Of course the memories are there, but it doesn’t matter now. 🙂
 
I just want to warn you about “well meaning” people. I found when I was dealing with infidelity, everyone projected their own anger and fear into the situation. You have enough of your own emotions to deal with without having to deal with other people’s unresolved issues, prejudices, fears, and anger.

I found people wanting to re-enact their own life’s situations through me. I found this very confusing. I had a hard time figuring out what “I” really wanted, what my heart was calling for, not my wounded ego.

The people I was surrounded with wouldn’t calm my fears. Instead they stirred them up, which totally damaged and destroyed what was remaining of my relationship. Now, I carry grief in my heart, not because He cheated, but because I refused to forgive and punished him instead.

I have now forgiven but it is too late.
 
Before even touching the man again, I would make him get a complete STD test. And some STD’s can take months to show up on a test.

I wouldn’t even kiss him again, or share a drink with him, without him getting an oral herpes test.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top