Fostering Marriage Readiness in a Culture of Marriage Preparation Paradoxes

[ATraveller]

I don’t know why anyone would have a problem with this, but I guess people can nit pick anything if they feel like it.

I don’t have a problem with it either. I think it’s a response to the feeling marriage must take place at 30. 22 isn’t that bad of an age from the research I’ve seen. But it varies from person to person.
We shouldn’t dissuade all individuals from marriage at ages as low as 22 but we also shouldn’t promote and give them false expectations if they want to marry at that age. Nor should we rush people into marriage.
Humans are just bad at balancing things, we feel the need to go to extremes.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I totally agree it depends on the person, and what they want. And I do know some people who married in the 60s, 70s or 80s when they were in their early 20s and have stayed married to the same person their whole life, so it is doable.

This culture today does not do a very good job of preparing 18 through 24-year-olds to take on any responsibility to be honest. You have the whole “brain isn’t fully developed till age 25” business, and the number of years in college steadily increasing. 100 years ago, 18-year-olds were considered much more adult and treated that way by society. A man that age was expected to be supporting himself or if he lived with his parents, bringing money into the house to help support parents and any younger siblings. The only exceptions were the small number of wealthy sons of wealthy men, who were expected to act mature but did not have to earn any money until after they finished college.

Nowadays people treat the average 18-year-old like he’s still a boy who needs a mom and dad to look after him. His work opportunities are also often limited and, if he’s living with his mom and dad, he’s often not expected to contribute to the family coffers. If we want people to be ready for marriage earlier, we have to start treating them like adults earlier and giving them a framework to be adult, such as job opportunities. They will live up to how we treat them.

 

[alice24]

I couldn’t like this more.
I think the best way is not pushing any way, neither marrying early nor marrying later, it’s so often not only a matter of personal preference and development, but also of culture, living conditions, financial and health prudence.
I had to be financially self dependent when I was legally a minor in Germany, and even after I reached the legal adult mark I was confronted with various troubles because of my age, because “people that age are still children” is maybe not harmful when your parents co-sign you landlord’s contract, but if not, you have a problem.
When I look back, I highly profited because I looked older and acted “serious” but it was still a battle to establish security in a community that thinks secure jobs and long term contracts are things for people beyond thirty- and this definately wouldn’t have made marriage more easy. I ended up getting married at 25, but we are far from “stable” financially. On the other hand, I was told after the marriage that if I ever would be able to have children, I should waste not a single year more. If it failes, I’ll do my best to offer it up to the lord, but I’m kinda glad I will not have to think" if I only married ten years earlier, but society was against it". Everything has a backside.

 

[Peeps]

Absolutely.

Dr. James Dobson states in his books (and radio programs) that a parent’s goal from birth should be to help their children become totally independent of the parents. The goal is that by the time the child is 16 years old, they should be capable of functioning as a adult.

It starts with things like encouraging baby to roll over by himself, hold up his head, reach for the toy, etc.
Toddles learn to dress themselves and tie their own shoes. By kindergarten, they should be choosing their own clothing every day, and putting the dirty clothing in a laundry basket or bag.

It continues throughout childhood, as children learn to clean up after themselves, help with chores around the house, eventually make their own school lunches and remember to bring them to school, do their homework at a regular time each day without having a parent remind them, do their own laundry, cook a simple meal or treat, etc.

A teenager will learn to drive, possibly get a job, keep up their own schedule without parental reminders, make their own doctor and dentist appointments and keep them, work with parents and other counselors on their future (college? military? vocation? trade? other? leave home or stay home?), etc.

Obviously there are variations that have to be taken into account; e.g., a child with a disability will possibly be delayed on some of these independence milestones. But even a disabled person will eventually have to be independent of their parents.

If anyone disagrees with Dr. Dobson because he’s too conservative (or some other reason), how about this?! When I was in grade school, HIGHLIGHTS Magazine–you know, that ultra-liberal publication!–had an article outlining the various things that children and young teenagers should be able to do as they grow up, and their list was even more far-reaching than Dr. Dobson’s list! The one specific thing I remember was that when a child turned 13, they were supposed to be making and keeping their own doctor/dentist appointments! I felt so behind because I didn’t do that

So it sounds like in the past, parents expected a lot more independence from their children.

I remember on the farm, my father expected my brother to do the milking (about 12 cows) in the evening.

 

[Xantippe]

Everything has a backside.

English quibble–you want the word “downside.”

Backside means buttocks. (We somehow have a dozen words for rear end–I don’t know what that says about our culture.)

 

[alice24]

alice24:

Everything has a backside.

English quibble–you want the word “downside.”

Backside means buttocks. (We somehow have a dozen words for rear end–I don’t know what that says about our culture.)

Thanks for the correction! Now this happens when you are only used to read english papers about emperor Justinian or medieval taxation systems… I need to improve my vocabulary
In german, we also have more words than I could count for this, don´t worry. And I think we are the only country where comercials refer to chocolate as “practical” - this is really weird.

 

[AdamP88]

In the face of people (and society in general) telling you that the late twenties is too early for marriage, how could married couples have demonstrated that this is not true?

Proved their success in marriage. But also I believe that many young Catholic couples in Ireland now enter marriage with a great knowledge of what it is actually about and what a good marriage looks like rather than just drifting into it. I feel that the witness of these couples will, in time, show people that marriage at a young age (and even just marriage) can be good and rewarding.

 

[Mtatum1958]

I feel that the witness of these couples will, in time, show people that marriage at a young age (and even just marriage) can be good and rewarding.

Yes, I agree (and as you indicated, it’s not primarily about age). Is it their family life, catechesis about the nature of the Sacrament, overall faith, or all that leed them to be such good witnesses?

 

[AdamP88]

All of those things. Primarily their family life I think.
My wife is a convert and she always says that what drew her to the Church was the family life of her best friend.

 

[Mtatum1958]

Also, I think the recognition from other members of the church/parish means a lot. A couple mentioned how much they appreciated us telling them how they showed God’s love in their love for each. It took me a little by surprise as I didn’t think too much of the comment we made to them.