Found out he's not a virgin...help?

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emeraldocean

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So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. 😦 thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?
 
emeraldocean said:
So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. 😦 thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?
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If you honestly think you cannot move beyond this, the kind and loving thing to do is to get out now. It would be hurtful to continue the relationship and keep up his hopes of a potential marriage with you if you aren’t able to get beyond his past.
 
emeraldocean said:
So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. 😦 thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?
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The important thing is what he’s like now, not what sins he committed in the past. If it concerns you, he can always get tested for any disease. As long as he has repented and confessed his past sins, they shouldn’t concern you, nor does he have any business knowing your sins.

You’ll know whether he’s truly repented by how he treats you while dating, i.e. does he try to convince you to have sex.

God Bless
 
Almost 12 years of marriage now… and the exact same situation.
I can’t say it was always easy - definitely had my struggles with understanding the true meaning of Reconciliation and Forgiveness. It’s a TOUGH one, I really get that.

I will say that I am married to a wonderful man, someone who truly LEADS and GUIDES our family in the faith and through our life.

Pray… pray for him… pray for yourself… and pray that God guides you in your path forward.
 
LightBound said:
If you honestly think you cannot move beyond this, the kind and loving thing to do is to get out now. It would be hurtful to continue the relationship and keep up his hopes of a potential marriage with you if you aren’t able to get beyond his past.
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I agree with this completely. You have every right to your feelings, but it isn’t fair (to yourself OR him) to grudgingly continue the relationship based on ‘maybe never finding someone better’ if in the back of your mind you will always be uncomfortable with his past.
 
If you can’t accept it then move on. Period. It’s not fair to him if you are having trouble with his past but still want to continue the relationship. You won’t be able to love every aspect of him and that is not right when he could love every aspect of you. You either lovingly accept his flaws or you move on. If you can’t love him because he is not a virgin then move on and find a virgin.

Just as a side note. Men can be loving and deeply Pius despite their past. My husband and I had pasts but we talked about it and had STD tests done. Do I wish we were both virgins when we met and were able to give each other our whole selves for marriage? Of course I do but all I can do is work hard every day to live my life for Christ now and forget about the past. Same with my husband. It’s not hard for me to love every single aspect of him. He is a good man, a good father, a good husband and above all a fantastic Catholic. He is a convert to the faith.
 
Honestly I feel you should date the person not their past. Unless their past hasn’t changed. People make mistakes and learn and grow it’s part of growing up or just living. His past isn’t really your business why should it matter. Also you’re going to have a tough time finding another virgin. I don’t say it’s impossible just very unlikely so keep that in mind. 👍
 
Mrs. V and Lightbound are, of course, correct. If you can’t get past it this early on then it might be an insurmountable hurdle. And you’re not in any way acting uncharitable by refusing to date this guy because of his sexual past.

That said, there are no guarantees in life. You might meet a virgin later on and he’s great. You might meet a virgin later on and he seems to be great, you marry him and he turns out to be a jerk. Someone’s sexual history is not a guarantee of its future, either positive or negatively.

I was a virgin when I married my wife. I had not even passionately kissed a girl before I dated her (a few pecks with other girlfriends in the past didn’t really count).

I also had a terrible history of viewing pornography that I told her about and which I thought was in the past. Turns out it was not too far in the past because it came back later. I’ve since really busted my backside to get rid of this sin and flipped my life completely around but as you might imagine, I really hurt my wife.

He might have a greater appreciation for chastity because of his past sins. He might not. A virgin could have lived a very pure life or he might have been impure in his past, like me. Chances are that everyone has dealt with sins of impurity, or at least major temptations, at some point. It’s part of being human. Just keep that in mind.
 
emeraldocean said:
…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
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IF you should get to the point of marriage, he will need to have tests for STDs and present you the results.

Sex is not a contest, there is nothing to “measure up” to. I suggest reading some good guides to it before the wedding night should you ever get to a wedding night with anyone.

If you can’t get past his past, I’d say move on and make sure in your online profile you say you only want to hear from men who are also virgins because it’s a deal-breaker for you. Make sure it’s the first question you ask anyone who contacts you. Along with whatever other deal-breakers you have. Like if they’ve ever lied or whatever you can’t handle. Best to know these things up front before any attachments form.
 
I feel like when you are truly in love you end up loving all of the person even their flaws and even in spite of yourself, so to speak. Just my opinion but so my concern would be less the specific issue of his virginity and more the question of, don’t you want to be with someone for whom your love can’t change even when they have big flaws. I don’t mean denying he flaws or accepting bad treatment I just mean where you are in love no matter who they are even as at the same time you want them to be the best they can. If you feel like this is a deal breaker it might be not just the specific issue but a lack of something else in the relationship. I could be way off base here but just my experience. In my experience too I had been seeing someone who was perfect on paper and we had all these compatible ideas about life marriage etc. a couple similar things bothered me except regarding his exes, but I just prayed to work through it. It didn’t work out and I’m grateful and I found out if I’m patient God will bring someone compatible on a much deeper level than what I can think of on my own. Who I might feel passionately upset if they have a flaw or mistake but because I want the best for him and us, which is different from flaws making me lose interest in him or feel insecure like i cant trust his judgement.

This may not make much sense. Just hope it helps a bit.
 
I really struggled with this when I learned my (now) husband was not a virgin like me. I had been praying for my future-husband’s purity since I was a teenager! I had worked so hard to maintain my own, with the idea of giving my whole self to the one I married. I honestly felt let down when I realized he had a sexual past. But to be truthful, he felt let down that he had a sexual past. He regretted it. He wanted so badly to give me what I could offer him. I couldn’t (and still can’t) shame someone for past sins, especially if they have been forgiven. What’s done is done. But I know this: yes, he has slept with other women. But he has given his whole self, his whole life, to me. There may have been other women, but I am the woman.

I understand and respect your feelings on this. My story does not need to be your story, and I understand that as well. But when I prayed my heart out about this, I knew that he was the man for me and that this was part of our cross to bear together.

I pray for wisdom and clarity for you and this man, and I ask our loving and gracious God to guide you through it all.
 
You haven’t met him in person yet. All bets could be off when you meet - please try to do that soon, and meet him with another person along, and in a public place. The sexual past could be the least of your concerns once you meet him in person.

Don’t feel like you have to compromise your standards just because this guy says he agrees with you in every other way. People can say anything over the internet and how would you know if he was telling the truth or not? I think the relationship doesn’t begin until you can meet in person and date IRL.

Just my opinion though.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You haven’t met him in person yet. All bets could be off when you meet - please try to do that soon, and meet him with another person along, and in a public place. The sexual past could be the least of your concerns once you meet him in person.

Don’t feel like you have to compromise your standards just because this guy says he agrees with you in every other way. People can say anything over the internet and how would you know if he was telling the truth or not? I think the relationship doesn’t begin until you can meet in person and date IRL.

Just my opinion though.
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That’s it in a nutshell and the best advice. Anything can be said over the internet and as the other posters have said, if you can’t get beyond this, it is better to get out now.
 
emeraldocean said:
So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. 😦 thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?
Click to expand...
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
 
LightBound said:
If you honestly think you cannot move beyond this, the kind and loving thing to do is to get out now. It would be hurtful to continue the relationship and keep up his hopes of a potential marriage with you if you aren’t able to get beyond his past.
Click to expand...
I agree completely. If this a dealbreaker for you, you have the responsibility to let him know immediately AND all future potential males you meet.

As someone said you do not have to lower your standards one bit… but on the other hand (there’s always another hand and the following is said to you with all charity on my part) don’t lament because there are so few people who meet your standard.

You are making a choice and you have to live with the results of that choice,
 
You have a variety of ways to move forward but if you are not feeling like you want to do the work it will take then end it now for both of your sakes. I do have to admit that he sounds like a fine man who made serious mistakes in his past but recognized them and confessed them. For him to want a proper relationship now is very admirable and I hope you can take the steps to try to move forward. Couples counseling with prayer can achieve great results. God bless you both.
 
Early in is when he is supposed to reveal information such as this. Don’t fully disregard this information, as his past sexual experience has shaped in part who he is today.

While the details of previous encounters ought to remain private, you do need to discuss his general attitude towards sex, as sex outside of marriage causes emotional harm, as well as potentially physical consequences. Most importantly, you should find out why he “repented” and is now committed to living chastely; did he do it for sincere reasons, or did he say it because its what you wanted to hear?

You should ask how many partners he’s had, reasons why they broke up, what he’s learned from the experience. Ask about his attitudes towards contraception and abortion too, as sex on demand outside of marriage can seriously skew a persons values.

Ultimately, it is your decision whether to break up with him regarding his sexual past; however, as an act of charity, you ought to allow him to tell his side of the story first, and look at the whole picture. If he’s truly committed to living a virtuous life, he may still be worth discerning marriage with. If he still harbors immoral attitudes towards marriage, sexuality, and the sanctity of life, then you would have stronger reasons for breaking up.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You haven’t met him in person yet. All bets could be off when you meet - please try to do that soon, and meet him with another person along, and in a public place. The sexual past could be the least of your concerns once you meet him in person.

Don’t feel like you have to compromise your standards just because this guy says he agrees with you in every other way. People can say anything over the internet and how would you know if he was telling the truth or not? I think the relationship doesn’t begin until you can meet in person and date IRL.

Just my opinion though.
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Yep, you’re completely right. And as someone who did the whole online dating thing and even met my future husband there let me give the OP a piece of advice:

Don’t talk to someone who’s profile you like too much. Just message with introductions, a few follow up questions to break the ice (lighthearted of course), maybe throw in a joke, and then set up a short, casual date like coffee or drinks. Nothing too long, formal, or high pressure, and the great thing about those dates is that if you are really hitting it off they can be extended. By messaging for a long period of time and sharing too much information you can become attached to who you think that person is and the ideas that you have about them. When you do finally meet them it is very hard to accept who they really are versus what you were so sure they would be like.
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
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👍 I dont think a persons state of virginity would even be in my top five when searching for someone to love and spend my life with and father my children. My list might start with loving God, loving me, compassion, smart and funny, loves children… Now, of course, im looking at this from the viewpoint of a 59 year old;) my 28 year old, however, tells me that a person who is obsessed with virginity as a prerequesite for a partner is cutting themselves off from 99% of singles. Also, if you are in your 20’s, why would a young man need to ask your father’s permission to take you on a date? If you are away at college or living and working, that seems odd…🤷
 
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