Four years after suicide, found note...now what?

[angharad256]

I just registered to this forum tonight because I need help and I don’t know what to do. Four years ago, my brother committed suicide. He’d been depressed for at least ten years, and when his fiancee ended their relationship, he fell immediately into alcoholism and a bit more than a year later, took his own life. I was in Iraq at the time and when I came home on my first leave, found out he’d taken his own life the night before. My parents believe he would have wanted to undo it–it was a pill overdose, so they had time to talk to him at least before he died–but he was gone by the time I got home. My immediate family spent years expecting it. We didn’t know what to do, we knew it was bad, we knew where it could end up. I half expected to hear he was gone every time I got a late night phone call from my parents.

Tonight I found what looks like the beginning of a suicide note in one of his old books. I don’t know whether to show it to my parents, who are hiding their pain for my sake and my sister’s. Neither of them sleep well and I feel really bad for my mother, who desperately wants to talk about her grief, but me and my sister at least can’t. I don’t know how much my Dad talks. I don’t want to make it worse for her. I don’t know if the emotion in me is there–I’ve felt very little, to be honest–and I won’t talk about it because I’m afraid of feeling it, but even knowing my mother needs us, I just can’t make myself talk about it. Finding the note has kind of brought this up again. I’m thirty, my sister is in her late twenties, so we’re not kids holding back from mommy and daddy. I just want to do what’s best for them.

There’s no new information in the note; no reason given that we didn’t already know. He was in horrible pain and had been for a very long time. I know this is a hard thing for a stranger to ask, none of you know me and I don’t know you, but I just don’t know what to do. I’ll make my mother cry if I give her this.

 

[familyof4]

I have no good answers for you, but I wanted you to know that my heart breaks for you and your family. I will offer my prayers for all of you, and your departed brother as well.

I would wait for wiser posters than I to respond, but I would say if no good would come of sharing the note, I would not feel compelled to share it with my parents. I would strongly suggest that you speak to your priest or spiritual advisor, and get their advice and perspective. They will be able to give you additional insight if they also know your family that we can’t.

Again, I am so sorry for all the pain your family has experienced. God bless you.

 

[Veronica97]

I’m so sorry for your loss. What a painful situation for all of you to have gone through, especially at the same time you were coming home from a stressful deployment. I’m a mom of a 19-year-old son, and so speaking as a mom, I think the note would just bring your mom more pain. If you can’t talk to your mom about her grief, then I hope you will pray for her–pray that the Lord will heal her broken heart. Also, pray for your brother and offer Masses for Him. I saw an episode of “Women of Grace” on EWTN, and the hostess was telling how her son had died in a car wreck and she was very worried about him, as he hadn’t been living for the Lord. Finally she realized that she was STILL his mom, even if he is no longer here on earth and that she can still pray for him as she prayed for him during his life. She began to pray the rosary for her son and the Lord began to heal her heart. Perhaps if your mom realized this–that she is still his mom and can still pray for him, it may bring her some comfort.

 

[EasterJoy]

Suicide - The Pain of the Ones Left Behind
Fr. Ron Rolheiser
8-6-2006

Each year I write a column on suicide and try to highlight three things.

First, suicide is a illness, not something freely chosen. A person who dies by suicide, certainly in most cases, dies against his or her own will. Suicide is death by illness, not something someone wills.

Second, those left behind should not spend undue time and energy second-guessing: “What might I have done?” “Where did I fail?” “If only I had responded and reached out when I had the chance!” Suicide is the emotional equivalent of cancer, a heart attack, or a stroke, and all the care and reaching-out in the world cannot, at times, save a loved one from death by these. That’s true too for suicide.

Finally, we should not spend too much time either worrying about the eternal salvation of those who die by suicide. God’s love, healing, understanding, and forgiveness reach into those places where we cannot. God can descend into hell and breathe out peace even there. Moreover, as we know, most suicide victims are over-sensitive, wounded persons, too-bruised to be touched. God’s touch is gentler than our own.

With that being said, I would like, this year, to share the feelings and reflections of a woman who, last year, lost her husband to suicide. The victim of suicide may be at peace in God’s arms, but those left behind generally take a long, long time to make peace with this kind of death.

Here are her words:

My husband abandoned me and his daughters about a year ago. Without any warning signs, he left us to fend for ourselves. Yes, he had seemed stressed out and unhappy, but always insisted that everything was fine. One day he didn’t come home from work. The next day his body was found. He had killed himself.

Despite being surrounded by loving family and friends, this reality was mine alone. The pain was excruciating, a pain that no one could share. The loneliness was beyond belief. A black weight settled into my being, a weight that suffocates and crushes. I seemed to live in an alternative reality, that of hell. I prayed to God incessantly for help. Help, help, help. I needed help. My husband had betrayed me massively. My daughters were fatherless. Words cannot convey the pain, despair, suffering I felt. I hurt badly. Anger seethed out of me. I was enveloped in a brutal black place. My being was crushed, my heart shattered irrevocably, my soul in dire need. Send me help. I need help. Please Lord send me help.

`Rest in God,’ a friend advised in a sympathy card. I was desperate to do this. I prayed and prayed. Yet no breath of peace fell on me as I cried each night for help. Yes, friends brought meals over, they did yard work, they tried to be there for me. But no one could share my pain, my living hell. I tried to rest in God, yet the loneliness was too much for me.

I turned from God, the pain of his abandonment was too great. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I stopped caring. I considered casual sex, drugs, and drinking. Whatever. I was broken and damaged and didn’t really care anymore. I was still in an alternative reality, still in hell, I didn’t care.

I started feeling better. Subconsciously I was still desperate, on my knees, begging God for solace. Help, help, help. This prayer, this simple prayer, this desperate prayer, wove itself into my being. The times I let myself feel it I would break down in utter despair.

I made it through the first year, but barely. On the one-year anniversary, I relived each excruciating minute, the horror of viewing his body, the unbelievable pain of comforting my wailing daughters whilst desperately needing comfort myself. I went to the chapel where the vigil had been held and sobbed myself sick. I relived my hatred, anger, guilt, abandonment, blackness, despair. My anger slowly dissipated into sadness. Deep deep sadness. A sadness that continues to squeeze my heart, my soul, my being.

My husband was not created to die by his own hand. He was created in God’s image, to become the person God meant him to be. Instead he murdered himself. This is so brutally wrong and skewed. I cannot wrap my mind around it.

My priest told me that sometimes God leads us to what we fear most, to show us we have nothing to fear. It’s true that I don’t fear death anymore. I saw clearly when I saw my husband’s dead body that his spirit was no longer there. I know without a doubt that he is at peace. I just don’t understand how I will ever come to my peace, at least in this world. I feel permanently disabled and damaged and sad.

I cry as I breathe deeply and try to trust. Guide me, guard me, O Lord my God.

Fr. Rolheiser other annual columns can be found at ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?search=suicide&Submit=Search+Archives

 

[underacloud]

Tonight I found what looks like the beginning of a suicide note in one of his old books. I don’t know whether to show it to my parents, who are hiding their pain for my sake and my sister’s. Neither of them sleep well and I feel really bad for my mother, who desperately wants to talk about her grief, but me and my sister at least can’t. I don’t know how much my Dad talks. I don’t want to make it worse for her. I don’t know if the emotion in me is there–I’ve felt very little, to be honest–and I won’t talk about it because I’m afraid of feeling it, but even knowing my mother needs us, I just can’t make myself talk about it. Finding the note has kind of brought this up again. I’m thirty, my sister is in her late twenties, so we’re not kids holding back from mommy and daddy. I just want to do what’s best for them.

People grieve in different ways. Many people…especially men…like to shut off and avoid any outwards signs of grief, They get on with things and keep emotions bottled up.

Some people…perhaps your mother…need to talk about it. What you have written suggests that you know that she needs to talk. This is painful for everyone and I certainly don’t want to negate your own grief, but I wonder if you should consider talking to your mother about it. The note may provide a catalyst, or maybe you don’t even need the note. It may be hard for you to do, and it may provoke emotions that you’re not ready to deal with, but you should consider whether the love you could show your mother outweighs those concerns. A burden shared, is a burden halved.

Also, I agree with what Veronica97 said. Pray for her and help her see that she’s still his mom. Pray to our blessed mother, because she knows the pain of the death of a beloved son.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Some people…perhaps your mother…need to talk about it. What you have written suggests that you know that she needs to talk. This is painful for everyone and I certainly don’t want to negate your own grief, but I wonder if you should consider talking to your mother about it. The note may provide a catalyst, or maybe you don’t even need the note. It may be hard for you to do, and it may provoke emotions that you’re not ready to deal with, but you should consider whether the love you could show your mother outweighs those concerns. A burden shared, is a burden halved.

I second this. Maybe she just needs to pour her heart out and you just sit there and listen, and then give her a hug. Maybe you found the note for a reason. I can’t imagine anything worse that losing a child like this. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[latin_rite]

If there is no useful info to help your parents deal with this tragic event. I think it might be best to wait a while. They say suicide is the ultimate silent treatment. I feel for your loss as i have suffered from such situations.
I wish i could say something that would helpo take the pain away but i know of none.
I just pray he is at peace with God. And one day all will be revealed to you and your family.

 

[Christine85]

So sorry to hear about your loss. Know that you, your family and brother are in my prayers.

I think it may help to talk to your mum a little as she may need the release.
I think though showing the letter may be too painful to handle still because it sounds like shes still trying to accept what has happened.
Showing the letter might reopen unhealed wounds at this point in time I believe.
But pray about it only you know what is best to do.

God bless

 

[Seira]

People grieve in different ways. Many people…especially men…like to shut off and avoid any outwards signs of grief, They get on with things and keep emotions bottled up.

That can also be very dangerous though. Emotions bottled up & not dealt w/ are eventually going to come out somehow. Sometimes in very unhealthy ways.

That being said. My thoughts & prayers for the OP & his family.

 

[Catya]

I’ll make my mother cry if I give her this.

Your family is in my prayers.

I understand that you don’t want to cause your mom further pain, but crying and a hug from the son she still has with her might be just what she needs. If you find it difficult to talk, words might not even be necessary.

If talking or showing your mom the note is too hard for you to do right now, don’t feel guilty, just continue to be a loving son & brother and keep praying.

God bless you.

 

[Actaeon]

Tonight I found what looks like the beginning of a suicide note in one of his old books. I don’t know whether to show it to my parents, who are hiding their pain for my sake and my sister’s. Neither of them sleep well and I feel really bad for my mother, who desperately wants to talk about her grief, but me and my sister at least can’t. I don’t know how much my Dad talks. I don’t want to make it worse for her. I don’t know if the emotion in me is there–I’ve felt very little, to be honest–and I won’t talk about it because I’m afraid of feeling it, but even knowing my mother needs us, I just can’t make myself talk about it. Finding the note has kind of brought this up again. I’m thirty, my sister is in her late twenties, so we’re not kids holding back from mommy and daddy. I just want to do what’s best for them.

There’s no new information in the note; no reason given that we didn’t already know. He was in horrible pain and had been for a very long time. I know this is a hard thing for a stranger to ask, none of you know me and I don’t know you, but I just don’t know what to do. I’ll make my mother cry if I give her this.

Have you ever read “Tuesdays with Morrie”? I think that book deals with a situation much like you’re telling us about here. There are three quotes I’d like to share with you from it:

“Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent… But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it…You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief… But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”

and

“*I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don’t allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that’s all.” *

and finally,

*“Take any emotion—love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions—if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.” *

A lot of people spend their lives afraid of any of the “negative” human experiences… but those experiences are an integral part of being alive. Sorrow and mourning are not bad in and of themselves, they are the external sign of our love for a person that we have lost! And yet, we spend so much time afraid to face or sorrows. And that is where we err… because when we refuse to tackle our sense of mourning, it devours us, it lingers with us demanding to be recognized, it tears us apart. As one person who has been in the suck to another, there is nothing wrong with you letting it out.

Angharad, I have to ask: are you afraid of what will come if you open yourself to mourning your brother as you really want/need to? Personally, I think the best medicine for you would be to go to his grave, privately, and let it out. Pray desperately, weep, and pound the ground if you have to. Experience it and let it pour through you for as long as it takes… and then pick yourself up, resolve yourself to honor your brother’s legacy, and go let your mother do the same… let her talk to you. Finding this note might be the reminder you need from God that mourning and sorrow are lingering as you all hold them in, it might be the gift from your brother that lets your family not move on, but move forward… together.

I hope and pray that you will be comforted, that you will find the answer that you are looking for, and that your family will be healed. Peace and love of Christ be with you always…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I have no advice to give, but I am deeply sorry for your loss and wish you and your family the best.

 

[EasterJoy]

I second this. Maybe she just needs to pour her heart out and you just sit there and listen, and then give her a hug. Maybe you found the note for a reason. I can’t imagine anything worse that losing a child like this. My prayers are with you and your family.

There is a real limit to the degree to which professional counselling can ease this pain, but it can still be very useful in terms of providing an experienced listener. I think your suggestion is right on the mark: his mother needs a listener, not someone with answers. The OP doesn’t need to fear that he doesn’t have the right thing to say. There is nothing he can say to take away her pain. He is more like St. John and Our Lady and the holy women, who served Our Lord during his crucifixion by simply being there to witness that a holy and innocent person was suffering. That can be the hardest thing to do, but the most valuable. He might want to find a counsellor who can simply help him know how to listen, to reassure him that he’s doing what he ought to do and that there is no shame in failing to feel a particular feeling. His pastor might even be able to be tremendously helpful in one or two visits.

It is interesting to note that neither St. John nor Our Lady was martyred themselves. For some of us, our martyrdom comes in the heavy work of helping others to bear theirs.

 

[bunnykisses88]

don’t have advice but I wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss