Fourth Commandment

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Meggie

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I wish there was an easier way to explain this but really I have to go back to last year when I went to this really incredible youth group, and found lots of things in my life that had been lacking…Jesus, love, friendship, positive role models, saftey
I carry around a great deal of shame about myself. I just turned 20 years old and just finished Seton Home Study school. I am terribly ashamed by this. In all actuality this has been an incredible year since I finished half of Seton grade 10, all of grade 11 and 12 this year. Anyone who knows what Seton is knows its a big accomplishment.
I am also angry at myself for not doing better before this year. Someone told me that I shouldn’t be mad at myself but rather I am misdirecting whose fault it really is, my parents, who seem to be incapable of saying anything positive or helpful to me. (In other posts I have described their views of Catholocism although they are Catholic…and I will just say that is their kindest words to me)
I leave for College in two weeks but life is stil hard here.
My parents treat me like a servant…my dad pushes me when I cook (I often get burned) my brothers push if I am in their way, my mom is very demeaning (since she has had cancer her disapproval of me has skyrocketed)
Getting ready for college I simply don’t have time for all my chores, and my parents are really not happy about that. They say I shouldn’t go to Daily Mass and recieve Communion because I am breaking the fourth commandment.
Right now I am warn out and I don’t know if I believe them. The adults in my life (in my youth group) that I can trust would have a fit and say that I have every right to do my own thing, regardless if it was for my own amusment or for spiritual growth.
I’m not sure…you’d think the people I wouldn’t trust would be the people that are hurting me but…I dunno…I’m not close to any priests and I don’t feel like telling the whys of my question (in real life I have a hard time speaking up unless I am really comfortable) to a priest. I know I am moving in two weeks but for two weeks I am still living in my house…I don’t know about breaks from school yet…but I still feel like I am breaking a commandment
 
Meg,

Do your parents realy say you are breaking the 4th commandment?
“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy G*d: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day, and hallowed it.”

If so then they are working you too hard.

However, if it is the 5th:
“Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy G*d giveth thee.”

I don’t see how unless you lash out in anger and talk back when they push you around. Then yeah you did. Go to confession, reconcile with God.

Becareful how you talk to your parents, remember, they controll the purse strings for college.

If you ever need to talk, we are here for you. I also know a Catholic youth group that might be able to help. www.cfcyfcusa.com

God Bless,
Davis Gray
CFC - Chicago%between%
 
I’m a cradle Catholic; there are the commandments we grew up with:
  1. Thou shalt not have other gods besides Me
  2. Thou shalt not take the Name of the Lord thy God in vain
  3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s day
  4. Honor thy father and thy mother
  5. Thou shalt not kill
  6. Thou shalt not commit adultery
  7. Thou shalt not steal
  8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor
  9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods
John
 
First off, your reference to the fourth commandment is a correct one. It only came to be referred to as the fifth commandment after the reformation, and never by the Church.

My youngest just turned 18 Saturday. She has 2 older sibs, a sister & brother at 24 and 28 respectively. All are now adults. As it happens, everyone is still at our home.

It is still or home, and my wife and I are the heads of the household, and we expect that the “house rules” are honoured and respected. Neither of us, though, demands the same degree of obedience and control we expected when it was incumbent upon us to fulfill our duties as the parents of minor children.

May I suggest that if there be disrespect in the situation, the story you relate indicates that you are not the sole contributor, if you in fact contribute any at all?

It is incumbent upon your parents to treat you as an adult. If they do not, it is still incumbent upon you to “honour” them, but not to endure their disrespect.

Have you spoken to your parish priest about this? If not, consider doing so.

True story: When I was 19, I was commissioned a Flying Officer (O-2 for US readers) in the Royal Canadian Air Force. Dad was a senior NCO stationed on a flying base, where I went to qualify on C-130’s. I stayed at home during the course. One night, I was going to the mess to meet my coursemates, when my Mom tried to stop me because I hadn’t asked her permission. I turned to Dad, and asked, “Dad, please speak to Mom. I have to go out.” I hope in doing it that way, rather than throwing a fit, I honoured my parents.

Blessings,

Gerry
 
John Higgins:
I’m a cradle Catholic; there are the commandments we grew up with:
…

John
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Me too, John, and the Church has always numbered them that way.

Blessings,

Gerry
 
John Higgins:
I’m a cradle Catholic; there are the commandments we grew up with:
  1. Thou shalt not have other gods besides Me
  2. Thou shalt not take the Name of the Lord thy God in vain
  3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s day
  4. Honor thy father and thy mother
  5. Thou shalt not kill
  6. Thou shalt not commit adultery
  7. Thou shalt not steal
  8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor
  9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods
John
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Thanks John, I stand corrected…sometimes it’s tough being a convert.😃
 
No, I’ve never really yelled back to my parents… they just tell me I am too much of a bad person to recieve Communion. Everyone else in my life tells me that I am not a bad person but I have a hard time believing them, since I am always told otherwise. I mean its often true that I don’t clean the kitchen before I go to Mass but that’s because I leave the house at 7am to walk because I can’t get a ride because they dissaprove of me going. I havve yelled at my brothers but thats not a wise idea since I am 5’4" and they are 5’8", 6’ & 6’1" I really am confused. My friends, even adults, tell me I am not doing anything wrong, my family tells me that I am not deserving of Communion and when they catch me praying call me a hypocrate because they say I am mean and vindictive(my brothers add a swear word often applied to women who are mouthy). I just don’t know who to trust.
About talking to a priest. I don’t know one priest who I truly trust, not because of the church scandals, but because of their attitudes.
My temper pretty much stays directed at myself or in my writings…
 
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dhgray:
Thanks John, I stand corrected…sometimes it’s tough being a convert.😃
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Is there a different Protestant 10 Commandments vs a Catholic 10 Commandments (convert in process here. 🙂 )

Dear, I am very sorry to hear that you are being treated this way at home. This is an abusive situation, there is no question about that, and I am so glad to hear you will be moving out soon. Once you get to school, I doubt you will have any problem finding other homes you can go to over breaks. I know when I was at school there were several professors and fellow students who invited others to come spend the holidays with them. Especially if a prof or friend knows your situation I have every reason to believe you won’t have to go home if you don’t feel comfortable. If I were in your position I would not return home if the abuse has not stopped. This has nothing to do with you breaking the 10 Commandments and has everything to do with your family breaking the Greatest Commandment, which Jesus said was to Love the Lord Your God, and to Love Others!! What your family is showing you is not love at all. When you get to college please look into the campus counselling center and get the support you need to work though these issues that have so hurt you over the past months/years. You’re going to need this so that you can more fully participate in what will hopefully be a wonderful education and an exciting new “family” of friends!

You are so precious and do not deserve to be treated in this way. There is nothing you could have done good or bad to earn this type of treatment, what your family has done to you is apalling, wrong, and just plain sinful.

Keep your chin up and know that you do NOT have to put up with this EVER AGAIN!
 
Meggie: As a 20 year old, it is your catholic duty to attend church weekly. (Remember to keep holy the Sabbath) You are also living under your parent’s roof, so you have to live by their rules. Touchy situation. You should always Honor your Father and Mother, but not necessarily take abuse. If things are going as you say they are, is there a friend you could stay with until you go off to college? But if your parents are paying for your college, then you have a bigger problem. As for them telling you that you are too bad to receive communion; its between you and God. Pray, pray and then pray some more. Go to confession and take communion often. Talk to God throughout your day. When things seem so out of control in my life, I offer my suffering up to Jesus and he always comes through. Eg. Yesterday I was worried about not making ends meet until my next pay check. I went off to the health club and offered up my exercise as mortification. I also made a conscience effort to stop snacking on cookies and ice cream as a start to “fasting”. Low and behold, when I got home from the health club, I discovered that my husband received a bonus check at work yesterday. Oh my God, I was brought to tears. I thanked God and got on my knees and prayed the rosary. AMEN… With God all things are possible!
 
puppy love thats a wonderful story. While my parents are not paying for college I have to have thier financial figures in order to recive fedral grants. I have several large scholorships but almost as much debt since I am going to a private school.
I attend church Daily…it only last a half hour, but its the happiest best part of my day. Its like nothing else. I try to attend confession when I can, its hard since I have car.
I don’t know about breaks yet. Its going to be very hard because my parents are going to pressure me and I won’t have much freedom at all. They already expect me to come back for labor day. I dread next summer, on one hand I have the choice of being 3hours away from my family, but I am then also 3 hours away from all the friends I made this year. I love my church family dearly, but only 1 or 2 have any clue to my situation and they would rather me stay at Niagara because they believe the farther away the better. If I lie to them and tell them I am busy at school, but infact I am in town, I don’t know if I can handle the guilt.
I guess, where do I draw the line? Is it right for me to do the wrong things (lie, ect) for the right reason…or is even a right reason or a selfish one?
 
God bless you for attending church daily. I wish I could, but I have to work. Can you not receive federal grants on your own without your parents financials? You are a legal adult. When you do go away to college you will meet new friends and maybe you can go with them on your breaks. If you are ever near Louisiana, you are welcomed to come visit me. Remember, with God all things are possible. Put you total faith in God and he will deliver. I promise. I am praying for you.

Puppy
 
The Catholic Catechism, paragraph 2217 says
As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.
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As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
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As your parents are not asking you to do something morally wrong, you should obey them.

Now offering up your suffering and longing for daily mass and the Eucharist to God for the benefit of your family’s spiriitual growth.

The Lord will be greatly pleased with you in your loving obedience to your parents in these last two weeks.
 
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Meggie:
I don’t know about breaks yet. Its going to be very hard because my parents are going to pressure me and I won’t have much freedom at all.
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Negotiate with them ahead of time. If it is so important to them to have you at home, get them to agree that you can go to daily mass when visiting them, that you will have time to study when visiting them, and that you will have time to relax when visiting them.

Do not lie to them. (Good ends do not justify immoral means.) Tell them that the mass is important to you, and out of love for Jesus, you would rather go to mass than come home for a break. This witness may help them understand the importance of the faith to you and maybe even help them growth in their faith.
 
T.A.Stobie:
The Catholic Catechism, paragraph 2217 says

As your parents are not asking you to do something morally wrong, you should obey them.

Now offering up your suffering and longing for daily mass and the Eucharist to God for the benefit of your family’s spiriitual growth.

The Lord will be greatly pleased with you in your loving obedience to your parents in these last two weeks.
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T.A.: Her parents are telling her she is “bad” and shouldn’t receive communion. I would say that this is immoral on their part. I do agree that she should “honor her father and mother”, none the less on the other issues but on this issue they are not being moral to the least bit!
 
Meg,

I know it’s hard to know who to trust, but you have to trust someone. Not every priest was involved in the abuse. Don’t let the sins of a few out weigh the good of the many.

You need to find a Catholic Youth support group to help you while you are at college.
 
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puppylove:
T.A.: Her parents are telling her she is “bad” and shouldn’t receive communion. I would say that this is immoral on their part. I do agree that she should “honor her father and mother”, none the less on the other issues but on this issue they are not being moral to the least bit!
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This is wrong on their part, but if they are asking her to do her chores instead of daily mass, she really should obey. Two wrongs do not make a right.

They cannot be her concious nor can they judge her acts.

Many saints have underwent similiar situations, and God rewards obedience to lawful authorities (such as her parents) and her great sacrifice (the loss of daily mass) for the sake of this obedience.
 
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dhgray:
Meg,

I know it’s hard to know who to trust, but you have to trust someone. Not every priest was involved in the abuse. Don’t let the sins of a few out weigh the good of the many.

You need to find a Catholic Youth support group to help you while you are at college.
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errm I directly stated its not about the scandals…its becasue of the priests I know one is nearly deaf and will not admit it, one is still learning English wich makes normal conversation difficult, one is young (well in his 40’s) and is very silly usually he has traveled the world but he does not seem to understand people in his own town, the last priest (the one a my parent’s church) is very into Polish heritage which I am not and I don’t want to hear about because my parent’s aren’t Polish either.
I met the campus priests (three of them) and I was not impressed by them at all. They seem to follow the laws of the church but not people who I could talk to.

It takes forever to clean the kitchen…I could clean from now until next week and my parents would never be satisified enough to let me do something without saying I am negleting my chores.

About the lying…is all lying off limits?..I can’t just say that I am going to an amusment park for the weeked when I am going back to visit my friends? I mean it would be a lie, but not a huge one.
 
T.A.Stobie:
This is wrong on their part, but if they are asking her to do her chores instead of daily mass, she really should obey. Two wrongs do not make a right.

They cannot be her concious nor can they judge her acts.

Many saints have underwent similiar situations, and God rewards obedience to lawful authorities (such as her parents) and her great sacrifice (the loss of daily mass) for the sake of this obedience.
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Ok T.A. you might be right. Its such a shame her parents are like this though. I am almost 38 years old and my parents marvel at the idea of keeping my daughter on Wednesday afternoons so that I can attend mass. God Bless and I’ll keep praying!
 
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Meggie:
I just turned 20 years old and just finished Seton Home Study school. I am terribly ashamed by this. In all actuality this has been an incredible year since I finished half of Seton grade 10, all of grade 11 and 12 this year. Anyone who knows what Seton is knows its a big accomplishment.
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Do you have a high-school diploma or a GED? It almost sounds like your parents kept you around as a servant while claiming that they were homeschooling you to the state board of education.
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Meggie:
I am also angry at myself for not doing better before this year. Someone told me that I shouldn’t be mad at myself but rather I am misdirecting whose fault it really is, my parents, who seem to be incapable of saying anything positive or helpful to me.
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This is a defense mechanism called “displacement”, where you re-direct your anger at yourself because you know that you will only be abused more if you express it at your parents. Or maybe not; I’m a computer programmer, not a psychologist.
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Meggie:
Getting ready for college I simply don’t have time for all my chores, and my parents are really not happy about that.
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I think college will be a beneficial experience for you, if you can convince your parents that your studies are more important than coming home every weekend to catch up on your chores.

Do you have any ideas about what you would like to study, or what you would like to do after college?

Good luck!
 
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Meggie:
It takes forever to clean the kitchen…I could clean from now until next week and my parents would never be satisified enough to let me do something without saying I am negleting my chores.
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Ask them to define ahead of time what it clean and put it down on paper (so there is no disagreement in the future).

I know it is tough, perservere out of love for God.
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Meggie:
About the lying…is all lying off limits?..I can’t just say that I am going to an amusment park for the weeked when I am going back to visit my friends? I mean it would be a lie, but not a huge one.
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Yes, no lies - you do not have to reveal all, but no lies. for instance, if you are going to meet a friend and go to mass and do something else (X) and ask them if it is ok for you to meet with your friend so that you can do X, should be ok.
 
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