Fourth Commandment

[Meggie]

Do you have a high-school diploma or a GED? It almost sounds like your parents kept you around as a servant while claiming that they were homeschooling you to the state board of education.

Well in a week or so I should have my highschool diploma from Seton. My brothers had more happy homeschooling years than I did. Always I had to do chores as a punishment for not doing school as fast as my parents wanted.

Ask them to define ahead of time what it clean and put it down on paper (so there is no disagreement in the future).

My mom would still make an impossible list…and if I argued I would only have more chores.

Yes, no lies - you do not have to reveal all, but no lies. for instance, if you are going to meet a friend and go to mass and do something else (X) and ask them if it is ok for you to meet with your friend so that you can do X, should be ok.

I was talking when I am 3 hrs away in school. I know another girl who goes to Niagara and she comes home more weekends than not and has offered me a ride if I ever want it. My parents would never even have know I was in town. But if they called during the weekend and I didn’t answer they would ask me why I wasn’t answering.

 

[T.A.Stobie_SFO]

Meggie:

I was talking when I am 3 hrs away in school. I know another girl who goes to Niagara and she comes home more weekends than not and has offered me a ride if I ever want it. My parents would never even have know I was in town. But if they called during the weekend and I didn’t answer they would ask me why I wasn’t answering.

Be honest if they ask, but I wouldn’t volunteer the information.

 

[T.A.Stobie_SFO]

Meggie:

My mom would still make an impossible list…and if I argued I would only have more chores.

I sounds like your parents are very unfair and very demanding on your time. Right now submit to their desires. Jesus knows how much you are suffering and He is suffering with you. Be patient and perservere.

When you are out on your own, two weeks from now, then get your life in order. If you need to, plan on getting an apartment and a job during next summer near your school so you can continue your studies, such as by taking one summer course.

If your parents ask you to come to their home for a few days, come as a visitor and not as a resident, and have them invite you as a visitor and not as a resident. Arrange ahead of time, how you will help them in their home. If they ask why, be honest with them - tell them that they have been limiting her relationship with God. It may make it awkward at first, but will help in the long run.

 

[dhgray]

Meggie:

About the lying…is all lying off limits?..I can’t just say that I am going to an amusment park for the weeked when I am going back to visit my friends? I mean it would be a lie, but not a huge one.

Sorry Meg. As I do not see the 4th Commandment issue in your postings, Lying would be disrespectful and border on breaking the 8th.
I kind of like the idea of a deaf Priest, would make confession a whole lot easier .

 

[felra]

Meggie:

No, I’ve never really yelled back to my parents… they just tell me I am too much of a bad person to recieve Communion. Everyone else in my life tells me that I am not a bad person but I have a hard time believing them, since I am always told otherwise. I mean its often true that I don’t clean the kitchen before I go to Mass but that’s because I leave the house at 7am to walk because I can’t get a ride because they dissaprove of me going. I havve yelled at my brothers but thats not a wise idea since I am 5’4" and they are 5’8", 6’ & 6’1" I really am confused. My friends, even adults, tell me I am not doing anything wrong, my family tells me that I am not deserving of Communion and when they catch me praying call me a hypocrate because they say I am mean and vindictive(my brothers add a swear word often applied to women who are mouthy). I just don’t know who to trust.
About talking to a priest. I don’t know one priest who I truly trust, not because of the church scandals, but because of their attitudes.
My temper pretty much stays directed at myself or in my writings…

Meggie,

God bless you. This should really be a most happy transitional time of your life. Unfortunately, your parents are not positively supportive. From what you say, they are behaving abusive and dishonoring toward you. You need to get through the next few weeks without incident and console yourself with the thought of getting away from this undesireable home situation and beginning a new phase in your young adult life. Going away to college will give you some physical & emotional distance (and relief!) from the oppression of your family relationships. This is good and honoring to God.

Over time, as you experince new and healthy peer & adult relationships, you will gain a healthier perspective, appropropriate detachment from your family, and a self worth befitting of a daughter of God. This is good and what God wants for you.

You can still honor your parents as you age appropriately wean from their control and negativity, and determine a healthier relationship basis with your parents. Journaling is good, talking with others is even better as you learn to trust others and yourself. All in due time as you extend through Jesus the forgiveness and honor due your parents. When you get the time, a good starter book to usher in healthier relationship boundaries with your parents is Boundaries, by Henry Cloud.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[timbo1980]

Meg,

It sounds as if you haven’t broken the fourth commandment at all even though it seems your parents are trying to make you. Continue going to Mass every day as you have been. Honoring your parents doesn’t mean abandoning your faith or being less of a Christian because they tell you to.

You are doing a great job. Your rewards for your suffering will be great in heaven. (and things will be much better in College)

In terms of next summer I would strongly advise finding an internship or job around school. If it is Niagara University you are going to I may be able give you the names of some companies in the area depending on your major. (I live in the general vicinity) Let me know. Also, if you need help finding a good church or confessor (priest) in the area, let me know. If there is anything else you need, even a place to stay during a break, let me know. My wife, and I would be more than willing to help.
In Christ’s Love,
Tim

 

[Meggie]

Thank you very much for the prayer.

Tim, thank you. I will pm you with some questions I have.

 

[anthony81OR]

Dear Thomas,

    It's hard for me in the 4th commandment. Here's my story. See, my dad gets mad at me for not trying so hard in finding a job last year. I'm working now, hopefully keeping this job. Well, my dad said, that everyone has a responsibility in this household. This past year, my mom had been sick and, since my dad doesn't take care of my mom, then that, leaves it to me. My sister works and go to school. To me, he is breaking his vows. He even theatens to move out if we don't help him with rent. My mom, and me. His reason is that, he works all day. He even told me to get out of the house. He even say, go live with the homeless. Sometimes, he's a good dad. I'm not saying he's perfect but, it's hard for me. Help. I need total help here.
                                 Anthony

 

[T.A.Stobie_SFO]

anthony81OR:

It’s hard for me in the 4th commandment. Here’s my story. See, my dad gets mad at me for not trying so hard in finding a job last year. I’m working now, hopefully keeping this job. Well, my dad said, that everyone has a responsibility in this household. This past year, my mom had been sick and, since my dad doesn’t take care of my mom, then that, leaves it to me. My sister works and go to school. To me, he is breaking his vows. He even theatens to move out if we don’t help him with rent. My mom, and me. His reason is that, he works all day. He even told me to get out of the house. He even say, go live with the homeless. Sometimes, he’s a good dad. I’m not saying he’s perfect but, it’s hard for me. Help. I need total help here.
Anthony

Anthony, your father is being abusive towards both you and your mother. You need to pray for him.

Secondly, as an adult (almost 23), ask to participate in planning the family budget. As you are paying some on the rent, this is a reasonable request. Take a good hard look at what the true needs are and where all the money is going. Work as a family, all who live there to prioritze spending, and then prioritze time. Everyone needs off time to relax, and if funs permits, relaxation expenses. If finances are really bad, can the government help?

Thirdly, if you mother is very ill, you should be spending a lot of time with her. Boosting her morale may help her get better. Caring for your mother is an act of love towards you mother. Someone we have to make major sacrifices for those we love. Is you mother worth it?

Four, pray together as a family or at least with your mother.

Five, if the abuse is really bad, consider getting a place for you and your mother to live away from the abuse. You may have to get help to do this. This will be tough on both of you.

Six, if you can talk to your father about his abuse and let him know how you feel about it, it might help. Many people who abuse do not realize what they are doing.

Seven, always show honor and respect, you are in his home, and he deserves this. In fact, you haven’t been, you may have brought some of the abuse on yourself. Good examples work in both directions. If you set a good example for your father, he may follow.

 

[Meggie]

I will pray for you anthony. My mom was sick with cancer this year and I know how hard sickness can make things.

 

[cookiedog]

Dear daughter,
I only recently have read your words on this page. Have you considered the eighth commandment, I feel your words about me, and I’m deeply hurt by them.
• Everyone had chores; mom was very fair with you and your brothers, in my opinion.
• C and G (your brothers) are both in college now, both started at 20 years of age, but are fine with it, in my opinion.
• It the time of this writing, mom was unable to cook and clean and needed you due to the chemo and all medication was in a great deal of physical pain and it affected her temperament. She never complained and thought only good things about you, in my opinion.
• About going to daily mass, remember that mom would have driven you if she was strong enough. I don’t recall every so much as suggesting that you shouldn’t go to Daily Mass and receive Communion. The only thing I did object to was you skipping Sunday mass with your family because you had attended the lifeteen mass the night before. So I really did not object, I insisted on you being together on Sunday, as a family…. (No regrets)…
• O and I did pay (parent contribution) for your first year of college and would gladly of paid for all the latter years if had let me. Also, I paid for family medical insurance, to which you had full coverage. It was all I could do, don’t you see?
• When you were born, mom wanted her children to be born close together so that growing up you all could be close, to share in life’s experiences. You and your brothers are each a year and a half apart. Mom’s plan worked great until the teen years. Especially for you and C, in my opinion. (C loves you, don’t you see that?)
• My desperate attempts to contact you were not intended to harm or embarrass you, I just want you to talk to us about your feelings, and get on with a healthy relationship again.

That being said;

You have moved to live elsewhere. May it be a peaceful, loving, and comfortable place for everyone? May you feel good about your choices while you are there? May it be a step toward healing and knowing yourself?

There have been so many times we’ve had glimpses of you - a caring, compassionate, intelligent, creative, and humor-driven girl - a gift from God who deserves to enjoy her giving and her living and her loving in this unpredictable struggle called earthly life. There have been so many times we’ve watched a neurological “something” get in your way, distort your thoughts and feelings about others’ intentions, make you suffer, grieve, blame, and rage with an intensity beyond description. No one deserves to suffer like you have suffered. With treatment we know the day will come when you suffer less, view people and events in a way which will not destroy you or alienate you, and know who you really are. We trust this day will come. We can’t wait to know you when you are free to know yourself! Like a person with diabetes or epilepsy is not “free” to enjoy life without medications, you also are not “free” without medications.

Our love for you is greater than the ability of this “something” to stop you. It disables you again and again from feeling good about all the goodness you are capable of. It disables you from realizing your goals, from knowing who you are and what goals you’d like to have. Our love will outlast the time, patience, hard work, frustrations, and disappointments required to “fix” the neurological problem which stops you from being you. We hope you will start the hard work soon. You have for some reason been given more challenges than most. Because your illness has the potential to destroy you and others, please start finding YOUR medications and a therapist YOU really like - very soon. We will be so proud of you - your commitment, your courage, your decision to find the happy and peaceful life you deserve.

We believe that God loves you and understands your pain. Please listen! We love you, too, and can only try to understand your pain. We hope you remember that you have a medical problem which can be treated with action from you. (It was YOU who recognized, correctly, that you had a medical problem in the first place! Why not continue insisting on the best for yourself?) YOUR commitment, individualized treatment, willingness to be patient with medication trials, and more knowledge may help you to get to know yourself. Meanwhile, we can’t wait to know you! We’ll be here loving you, and waiting. . .
As you have said before, it’s not easy for you. You have the difficult job of doing, not waiting. Treatment is available. We are ready and WANT to help in all areas related to TREATMENT! (Transportation, insurance, research, finances, etc.) Take care of yourself, please. (We know that that is not as easy as it sounds, but it IS up to you and not up to someone else.) We want to support and encourage you . . . We can’t wait to know you!

Love, your father

 

[cookiedog]

i miss you

 

[Lets_Evolve]

Your still young. Guilt is an easy thing to have when emotions are so readily available. I myself didn’t mature enough to really understand myself until I turned 26 after a year of military service taught me the value I really had.
Your parents distaste for your is just a reflection of themselves. You have a long life ahead of you and while the time with them will be trying as long as you realize who you are is up to no one but you, you will be fine. It maybe long days and short weeks but soon enough you will create your own safe place and those around you will envy you for it.
In the mean time Show them what they ask for.