Freaky Fetish?

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I am horrified to write this, but I need advice. I have been happily and faithfully married to my husband for 7 1/2 years. We have two beautiful daughters (the first is almost 3 and the second just turned 1).

I recently underwent surgery (due to serious damage from my second delivery) and have been on bed-rest for a couple of weeks. This has been stressful on the family, but each day I can do more and more, so the worst is over.

The specialist who did the surgery is a two-hour drive, which I cannot make on my own. My husband was coming home from work early to take me. My brother and his family were taking the kids for the evening since the appointment was late.

While getting ready, I thought I’d play one of my television shows for background noise. We have an Xbox and you can access my husband’s computer files as well as the Netflix, etc… I clicked the wrong button and ended up in the main directory for images. I went to press the back button to get to the correct menu when something caught my eye…

It was a photo of my husband wearing some sort of crotchless female fishnet outfit and my underwear!!! I was absolutely in SHOCK. The most hurtful part of seeing it was that the photo was taken the evening I was in the HOSPITAL recovering from my surgery! The kids were at my brother’s house, so while he was alone he took photos of himself and failed to delete one of them.

Long story short, I tried to choke back tears and confronted my husband. It took pretty much all day to get what I consider the truth. He says he was curious, bought the outfit, took the photos, felt ashamed, and then threw the outfit out and thought the deleted the photos.

While I am trying to understand that he might have some sort of issues that need to be addressed and feel he must need counseling, I am NOT okay with the deceit! I am especially disgusted that he did that instead of worrying about me in the hospital.

I’m SICK to my stomach. He is saying we have a wonderful marriage, fantastic children and is devoted to our lives together. Says he’s never cheated, etc… It was this ONE time, etc…

I don’t know what to say or do. I am sick over it. I cannot get the wide-screen image of my husband in this manner out of my brain. What do I do? I’m already praying. Marriage counseling? Send him to a psychiatrist?

I will say that I will not talk to a Priest because I live in a small town and I work very closely with the parish office.

So hurt. Thank you for your advice. Oh, and today is my birthday

 

[mamamayi]

well idk usually men who do this are not homosexual. It is some sort of fetish I guess. perhaps he was stressed at the surgery and this is how he deals with it? I personally think it was more than one time though. i don’t know what else to say. happy birthday

 

[Della]

You should see your priest because he can advise you and will not tell anyone else what you say. You need to get this off your chest with someone who can help you even if (and I say this with love and respect) even if it means swallowing some pride.

None of us is above needing help from time to time–we’re all fallible human beings. Your husband needs help, not censure. As mamamayi wrote different people deal with stress in different ways. Some people drink, others smoke, others play out their fantasies or break the law, etc.

By “accidentally” leaving one of the images on his computer your husband may have, without realizing it of course, hoped he would be caught so he could “come clean” about it. He definitely needs counseling by a good Catholic pyschologist. You diocese will have resources for you.

You and your family have my prayers.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Stop.

Take a deep breath.

Make a list of all the good qualities about your husband. Who he is, what you appreciate about him, the qualities he has that caused you to fall in love, get married and start raising a family together.

He is still that person.

Now, why he wanted to dress up like a character out of The Rocky Horror show is something for you two to discuss. Take the opportunity to try and understand him vice deride, embarass, shame him. Be supportive vice accusatory, you will get to know him on a deeper level vice forcing him into a shell and building barriers. It could be something just as simple as a curiousity he acted on.

Then, you can decide as a couple what you want to do.

ETA:

… I am NOT okay with the deceit! I am especially disgusted that he did that instead of worrying about me in the hospital.

A. Worrying about you and doing this aren’t mutually exclusive. If he had been watching TV, I’m sure he would be worrying about you. Folks do weird things when stressed, this could be partly acting on a cumpulsion because of stress.

B. You hit on the bigger issue. Whether my spouse puts on a weird outfit and takes pictures is kind of a minor deal to me. Whether I can talk to them, have faith that they share everything important with me, and trust them to have my back is a huge deal.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

There is absolutely positively no way that this was a single event. Please see a therapist to discuss his crossdressing/transgender issues. You are right to be concerned about the deceit. He’s likely lied and hidden this aspect of his sexuality for so very long the stress is likely consuming him. BTW, of course you need to discuss this with a Priest.

In short you’ve been hurt, you need help and you need to get counseling to do everything you can to get through this and get your marriage through this, if possible, for your own sake and the sake of the children.

I wish you a speedy recovery and you’ll be in my prayers. Peace, g.

 

[Trishie]

Praying for your husband and for you, and for your daughters.
You are vulnerable due to having had surgery, and you are suffering pain and tiredness, so the shock of discovery is the worse for you.
It’s natural that you are spiralling with all kinds of doubt.
I ask God to comfort you in the uncertainty and confusion and hurt that you feel.

I’m trying to think of how to say ‘happy birthday’ but I’m not sure how.
Know that we are thinking of you with caring and prayer.
I ask God to give you gifts of hope and healing for yourself, for your marriage and family.

I can’t be there, but I’d be with you as your friend if I could.
I understand that you can’t feel you can talk to anyone in your small town.
Love, Trishie

 

[Musician]

This is not the first time, I feel sure. Cross-dressers generally have an overwhelming desire to do this.
Get advice from a priest, but you probably should know he may not be able to control his urges very well. Can you live with that? Personally, it would be a big obstacle for me…
I will pray for you and your family.

 

[promethius]

This is not the first time, I feel sure. Cross-dressers generally have an overwhelming desire to do this.
Get advice from a priest, but you probably should know he may not be able to control his urges very well. Can you live with that? Personally, it would be a big obstacle for me…
I will pray for you and your family.

Can you quote a statistic for that assertion? As I recall, 10% of Americans report some sort of homosexual/transgender experience (such as crossdressing or more)… however 9o% of those report that it was a one time experience. I have never seen a study that showed that the majority of participants in transgender activities are repeating that experience.

Furthermore, I don’t think this is a major issue that needs to be addressed. Treating it like it is is more likely to do harm to the marraige than it is to help. Simply stating “okay, you’ve satisfied your curiousity and you tell me that it’s out of your system, I forgive you, let’s move on, and don’t do it again” is probably the best option (unless, of course, the wife in this case has a problem with forgiveness and reconciliation and therefore needs catholic counseling herself).

 

[Trishie]

We can’t assume it isn’t the first time. To do so is only making things worse and it is without evidence.
Bea’s husband possibly has thought about it, and ashamed of the thought, but used to opportunity of his wife’s rare absence to try this out.

Bea, I have seen a woman take an occasion, a one-off occasion regarding a family member, that could have been dealt with quietly and rationally and firmly, but because she reacted with extreme emotion and kept herself in that state, she has wrecked her family, her children, and her own mental health.
I do sincerely pray that God will mightily aid you and your husband.
Lord I implore You that the husband will be genuinely humble and honest and that the issues can be dealt with in wisdom and permanence, and that You will bring healing to wife and husband and this family.

 

[Hokomai]

Have you considered that the image may be a photoshop joke from one of your husband’s friends?

 

[Trishie]

Have you considered that the image may be a photoshop joke from one of your husband’s friends?

I think you may have missed to part of Bea’s post mentioning her husband’s admission.
Please God the discovery has shocked him sufficiently that he will never act thus again.
The discovery hopefully, please God, has stopped this deceitful behavior from the beginning.
We hope and pray this will be so

 

[Rascalking]

So he likes to do this-what’s the big deal? I don’t see the problem.

And um…no, I don’t share his fetish!

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

So he likes to do this-what’s the big deal? I don’t see the problem.

And um…no, I don’t share his fetish!

Well, if he wants to get his freak on by himself and not include his wife (oh … wait, I was sliced open and in the hospital so I guess I wasn’t available) then he should be more careful where he stores his pictures. We use the Xbox for the picture gallery on a regular basis. I don’t find those pictures appropriate for my three-year-old.

 

[Trishie]

So he likes to do this-what’s the big deal? I don’t see the problem.

And um…no, I don’t share his fetish!

Maybe this: Deut 22:5 "A woman shall not wear an article proper to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s dress; for anyone who does such things is an abomination to the LORD, your God.

Sonic shares some insights in forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=524406
Bea’s concerns do include her children and what example they are given.
Hidden inappropriate or wrong behavior tends to come out sooner or later.
Bea, don’t let that comment get to you. Most of us understand, and so does your husband or he wouldn’t have intended to conceal it.

 

[Rascalking]

Well, if he wants to get his freak on by himself and not include his wife (oh … wait, I was sliced open and in the hospital so I guess I wasn’t available) then he should be more careful where he stores his pictures. We use the Xbox for the picture gallery on a regular basis. I don’t find those pictures appropriate for my three-year-old.

Ok, ok, ok. I get it- irritated at the Xbox thing. Yeah, that was wrong of him. I missed that part, sorry. My bad.

Are you more upset by the fact he wasn’t near your side when you were in the hospital?

 

[Rascalking]

.
Bea, don’t let that comment get to you. Most of us understand, and so does your husband or he wouldn’t have intended to conceal it.

Ok Trishie, how in the world was my comment “not understanding”? If you post on a public forum, you should expect not to have just one opinion said to you.

 

[Trishie]

Rascalking it’s a combination thing.
It feels worse because she needed extra love and care, not to be hurt. There is anxiety and pain involved with surgery, and to be needing it, she was suffering anyway.

And to top it off, it’s her birthday today, and so she needed cherishing, to feel special, which is why we celebrate birthdays.

She’s hurting on all counts, including post-surgery pain.
You may have different values, but empathy isn’t out of place.
She feels betrayed and so would most of us wives.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Ok, ok, ok. I get it- irritated at the Xbox thing. Yeah, that was wrong of him. I missed that part, sorry. My bad.

Are you more upset by the fact he wasn’t near your side when you were in the hospital?

Sorry - not upset at you… I can see your point to try and not flip out irrationally.

Taking a deep breath… no, I actually suggested he go home so that he could get some rest, sleep in a real bed, etc… Does it upset me that he did this at a time when I was hospitalized? Absolutely. Why? I don’t know. It just does. I feel like the lie was when I was weak, sick, hurt, injured, etc… I feel like "geez… I was getting stabbed over and over because they couldn’t get my IV in, my blood pressure dropped in the 30’s, etc… all the while, he was playing out his fantasy.

 

[Rascalking]

Rascalking it’s a combination thing.
It feels worse because she needed extra love and care, not to be hurt.
And to top it off, it’s her birthday today, and so she needed cherishing, too feel special, which is why we celebrate birthdays.
She’s hurting on all counts, including post-surgery pain

Excatly-that’s why she should remember that she has a “wonderful marriage” two great kids, and the like. This isn’t a “marriage armageddon” moment. It’s more of a surpirse than anything else.

I agree he should’ve been there at the hosptial though.

Again, I don’t understand the fetish-it’s not me, but I do think it’s a bit overblown.
Sorry Trish. And again, you don’t have to dismiss what I say and tell her “Not to worry about my opinon” if you don’t like it. You could have found different words to express your disagreement.

 

[Rascalking]

Sorry - not upset at you… I can see your point to try and not flip out irrationally.

.

Thanks, that was all I was asking.

Your in my prayers, and I say that in all seriousness.

God bless.