Friend got a girl pregnant and now doesn't know what to do - please help

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Hi all, I am Flopfoot, haven’t been on these forums for ages, but a friend is in a tough situation and I thought you might be able to offer some advice or even tell me what the church teaches about the situation or something.

My friend is a good practicing Catholic but ya know he struggles with temptations a lot of guys suffer. He met a girl over the 'net early this year, she is from the other side of the country but early on they got along really well and so decided to meet up a few times. In the last few months he has been a bit on and off about the relationship though, many times telling me he was planning to break up with her, then later changing his mind. She came to Sydney a couple of months ago and that is when he got her pregnant. Then she flew back, and he had kind of fallen out of love with her and had decided to break up again but that is when he found out that she was pregnant. (She is kind of a hard case to figure out. She really loves him and knows that he has wanted to break up with her but despite that she still wants to stay with him).

Now he is not sure what to do. At first he sort of just gave in to the situation and figured they had better make plans to live at least nearby one another for the sake of their child. But this is all really starting to stress him out as he doesn’t have a very high paying job and trying to move out of home and support a child would be really difficult for him. And also he just doesn’t have feelings for her any more and just wants to move on with his life. They aren’t married or engaged or anything at the moment.

The question is, is it okay for him to just leave her and the child? (They can stay living with her family back on the other side of the country, and I guess the government would just require him to make monthly payments to support the child).
He is partly worried that she might abort their child if he leaves her.
He is partly worried that it might be too hard on her, making her be a single mum.
He’s also worried that it might be hard on the child to grow up without a father. But on the flip side he is also worried that it would be hard for the child to grow up with parents who don’t really love each other.
Finally, he is worried that leaving her and the child might be the wrong thing to do in God’s eyes.

I’m really not sure. I don’t know what the church teaches on this. I don’t know if he automatically has a responsibility to raise the child just because he is the father. (He has a responsibility to support financially, but is there any more than that?) I don’t know if he is following his conscience or if he is just afraid. I’m hoping that it will be okay for him just to leave it all, but I don’t want to accidentally give him bad advice.

Yeah so, hopefully you understand the situation, any help would be appreciated.
 
Hi ,
I’m sorry to hear your friend is having problems. My first thought is in response to your comment:
Flopfoot said:
(She is kind of a hard case to figure out. She really loves him and knows that he has wanted to break up with her but despite that she still wants to stay with him).
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She’s not hard to figure out. Like any woman who has given her whole self to a man, she wants him to stay with her and care about her. That’s the way women are made, no matter how they try to pretend they’re indifferent to being abandoned.
This is why it’s a really really bad idea to sleep with someone when you’re not married to them. By that act your body is making a promise that you don’t really intend to keep ( to be faithful forever).

Your friend has more than a financial obligation to the mother of his child. Think how the child will feel when he or she is older – my dad didn’t even love me enough to visit.
I would recommend that the couple visit a Catholic counselor or a priest. Ideally, they should recover the interest they had in each other and consider marriage. Good marriages have been based on less – parents used to pick out partners for their children to marry and often as not it worked out fine. He needs to know that love is not a feeling.
It is a decision, made in cold blood, to do the right thing.
It is very hard on the girl to leave her to be a single mother. What about her plans for her life? He should take responsibility for his actions, support his child both materially and emotionally, and find out what the girl wants and needs from him, and do his best to provide it.
Time to grow up. If you take on the rights of an adult, you take on the responsibilities too.
Will be praying for your friend.
 
He says he doesn’t feel ready to grow up and to commit to someone… I guess I should mention he is only 22 years old (and yeah, I know some get married at this age but it isn’t for everyone). He is wiloling to accept whatever consequence / responsibility he really has, but doesn’t want to be burdened with extra responsibility he shouldn’t have to take on, he has enough stress at the moment as it is.

And yea of course he and I know that it is a bad idea / wrong to sleep with someone when you’re not married to them. The church is real clear on that, the only prob is it doesn’t seem to be too clear on what happens afterwards if you ignore this teaching and get someone pregnant. Sure you’ve sinned and need to go to reco but we would appreciate some explanation on what to do about the baby. (PS, for my sake, if you want to say what is church teaching I would appreciate quote from the relevant source so I know you’re not making it up, I can be a bit skeptical).

And yea he and I know that love and marriage is not just a matter of feelings. However one thing I know about marriage is it’s always meant to be something voluntary - there should never be a situation where you are “forced” to marry someone. So, they could do what you said and try to recover feelings and consider marriage, but what if that doesn’t work out and they still don’t want to get married, what does he do then?

Your advice and prayers are appreciated, thanks.
 
I absolutely 100% completely and totally agree with everything in Viki’s post! It’s no longer a question about what your friend WANTS, it’s about what their child NEEDS!
 
Flopfoot said:
He is wiloling to accept whatever consequence / responsibility he really has, but doesn’t want to be burdened with extra responsibility he shouldn’t have to take on, he has enough stress at the moment as it is.
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WOW! Before I become WAAAAY too uncharitable (toward your friend, not you). I better simply say that I will pray for him, her, and THEIR child. God bless.
 
I wonder how your friend would feel if he put himself in that baby’s position, ready to come into the world sometime in the next 9 months with a single mom and a dad who is hoping that baby and mom just go away.
If the mother will not consider adoption, your friend has to realize it will not change the fact that the baby is still 50% from him.
I would tell your friend exactly what I would tell my son, nephew, brother, etc, which is that it is time to start thinking like a dad.
 
I’m sorry, but does your friend know for a fact, without a doubt, that this girl is pregnant? I mean, you said he wanted to break up with her, I am sure the girl could have picked up on that and now is trying to make sure he is permanently tied to her? Is that a possibility here?

If she is indeed pregnant, I say he’s going to have to step up and learn to be a man. No, he may not abandon his child and the mother of his child. That’s not what a man does. I don’t necessarily think he has to marry this girl (actually, I was taught that marriages only because the woman is pregnant were not valid because each party was not entering into the marriage under their own free will, that is, the were being pressured into the marriage to “do the right thing”, but you’ll have to forgive me for not having a reference, I am looking). I think he does have a responsibility towords his son or daughter, and the Church thinks so, too.

Check out the Catechism, paragraphs 2221-2231 about the duties of parents towards their children.

I became a mother at 22 (of course, I was also married a year earlier). People are capable at 22 of becoming responsible adults, it just takes some people more work than others to get there.
 
“He says he doesn’t feel ready to grow up and to commit to someone” - little too late for that don’t you think?
if he doesn’t want to marry her than that is a personal decision, and although i think it’s the wrong one, it has been done before.
but most of all, he already has a commitment to this child. he has equal responsibility of raising him/her. maybe he should raise the child on his own…ask him how he would fee about that?
anyway…he doesn’t get to make decisions anymore…he already made his decision and now he has to deal with the consequences that come along with his actions.
 
Krista - It was worth considering, I think he thought of that too at first, but I’m pretty sure that he now knows for sure that she’s pregnant.
Tietjen, those words you bolded are my words not his. It was probably a bad way of getting across what I wanted to say. But basically, there is whats right, and then there is social pressures. (For example, on this forum, a lot of people will have opinions on what someone “should” do even though God never demanded such a thing). He wants to do what is right (which in my opinion, is hard enough just on its own) but doesn’t want the social pressures thrown in on top of that (he gets enough trouble from his parents at home).
So what do they do? Far as I can tell, in terms of the practicalities of living, there is -
  • find a new place and move in with her there
  • have her move in to his parents house
  • have her live on her own but somewhere in Sydney so that he can still “be there” for her and the child
  • she moves back to the other side of the country and he can visit occasionally
The main difficult thing is money. Of those options, living with his parents is cheapest but I don’t know if he wants to go with that option because of the way things are at home with his parents.

The next main difficult thing is trying to live together and raise a child with someone you have fallen out of love with and don’t really want to see that much any more. But according to what you all say, there is not much he can do about that.

What choice is best? Assuming they don’t get married, should they be living separately? (I guess being like flatmates, two separate rooms in the same building is fine?)

Ah, this is all very confusing for me (though not nearly as confusing as it is for him). I don’t know how to help my friend or anything.​

So as far as I can tell from what you are all saying, he has to stick with them. But he does not necessarily have to get married to her. Okay, so one thing I was wondering, if he doesn’t marry her, but they are living in the same house and raising a child together, is it okay for him or her to be dating other people? What happens if one of them gets married to someone else?
This is just my own personal ‘rant’ for a second, its not something my friend has said. But didn’t she (the mother) choose to have sex with him, while she wasn’t married to him? What about her facing the consequences of her decision? (It happens to women all the time, they choose to have sex with guys, then end up stuck alone with a child).

See cause I’ve seen guys get hurt after they give themselves totally to a girl who they’re not married to, and then the girl leaves them and breaks their heart. And if that happens, isn’t it the guys fault for giving himself to someone who isn’t married to him? But then if it’s the other way around, all of a sudden it’s not a girl’s fault if she gets abandoned and heartbroken and possibly with a child, it’s the guys responsibility to stay with her. What’s with the double standard?
 
Tietjen said:
WOW! Before I become WAAAAY too uncharitable (toward your friend, not you). I better simply say that I will pray for him, her, and THEIR child. God bless.
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I was thinking the same exact thing. I will pray.
Kathy
 
without making any personal comment about your friend’s claim to be CAtholic, there is no reason to get married unless both parties strongly feel they are called to marry each other, love each other, and make that life-long commitment. He should comply with at least the minimum legal obligations for child support is she keeps the child, pay all her expenses involved in the pregnancy and birth, even if it means dropping out of school, working two jobs, and putting his other plans on hold, assist and be part of decision to offer the child for adoption, or raise the child himself. The most heroic and charitable decision is to give the child up for adoption to a stable childless couple. your part in this is very limited, but moral support and prayer I am sure your friend will appreciate. you asked for moral advice, but if I was giving legal advice I would advice the young man to take steps to insure the child is indeed his (or that she is pregnant at all). The first time he unzipped his pants this young man made the decision to become a father, now it is up to him to live up to it.

nice to hear from you again FF
 
There are double standards about pregnancy before marriage, but I think both sides of the couple end up hurt and unhappy if they accidentally get pregnant without love or marriage. (Not to mention the child!)

I don’t have much to add to this thread, but I feel your friend should commit to the girl. Love and marriage are both choices, the same as dating and sex are choices. He chose to have sex with her, and now he should choose to support her (and not just financially), and he can choose to love her. I believe that firmly. It may be difficult, but those are the risks you take when you engage in risky behaviour.

I’m dating a man now who went through a similar situation. He had sex before marriage with his girlfriend, and she got pregnant. They got married at 21, and lived together as husband and wife. A few years later, she decided marriage wasn’t for her, and abandoned him and the children. He didn’t love her when he married her, but she certainly broke his heart when she left. Now he has two dependent children that he can’t raise on his own, and so his mother is raising them while he works overseas and sends money to them. His heart breaks every day that he has to be separated from his children, but he recognizes that he brought the situation upon himself when he had sex with a woman he didn’t love and he didn’t want to marry. Now he is dating me, and going a lot slower, believe me! I’d like to marry him, and raise his children and ours together, but I’m not jumping into anything that quickly! Fools rush in, and all that!

I’m not telling that story to scare your friend away from doing the right thing. I’m telling that story to scare him into doing the right thing. He has a girl who is willing to do the right thing, and give up her dreams to raise a child that she didn’t plan, with a man she may not have chosen if she’d been thinking at the time. It’s not her asking him to give up his future! The child needs that. He’s not giving up his future anyway, just changing plans. It’s foolish to think that we can plan our futures anyway. (Do you think I planned to find a wonderful man who already had children?) Sometimes choices come up that change our plans completely, and we have to accept that.

He just closed the door on a single and free life, and there’s no point staring at the door and wishing he could go back through it. He’s got to look forward now.
 
Flopfoot said:
Krista - It was worth considering, I think he thought of that too at first, but I’m pretty sure that he now knows for sure that she’s pregnant.

He might want to think about having a DNA test later, also.​

Tietjen, those words you bolded are my words not his. It was probably a bad way of getting across what I wanted to say. But basically, there is whats right, and then there is social pressures. (For example, on this forum, a lot of people will have opinions on what someone “should” do even though God never demanded such a thing). He wants to do what is right (which in my opinion, is hard enough just on its own) but doesn’t want the social pressures thrown in on top of that (he gets enough trouble from his parents at home).

In trouble from his parents?! He’s 22, an adult and a father. He needs to grow up now that he’s chosen to. When I was 19 I got pregnant, when I was 20 I got married. By the time I was 23 I had our third child. Life hasn’t been easy but it’s been overall happy.
So what do they do? Far as I can tell, in terms of the practicalities of living, there is -
  • find a new place and move in with her there
  • have her move in to his parents house
  • have her live on her own but somewhere in Sydney so that he can still “be there” for her and the child
  • she moves back to the other side of the country and he can visit occasionally
Or he could move to a place there alone and have visitation with his child.

The main difficult thing is money. Of those options, living with his parents is cheapest but I don’t know if he wants to go with that option because of the way things are at home with his parents.

He’s 22, he should be capable of making a living. Unless of course he has some sort of disability. How long is he planning on mooching off mommy and daddy?

The next main difficult thing is trying to live together and raise a child with someone you have fallen out of love with and don’t really want to see that much any more. But according to what you all say, there is not much he can do about that.

If they aren’t married they shouldn’t live together.

What choice is best? Assuming they don’t get married, should they be living separately? (I guess being like flatmates, two separate rooms in the same building is fine?)

Under no circumstances should they even attempt to live together if they aren’t married. Married couples have chosen to love each other. Love is not an emotion -it’s a decicion. If they can’t make that choice than living together would be a huge disaster.

Ah, this is all very confusing for me (though not nearly as confusing as it is for him). I don’t know how to help my friend or anything.​

Complicated-yes. Confusing-I’m not sure why.

So as far as I can tell from what you are all saying, he has to stick with them. But he does not necessarily have to get married to her. Okay, so one thing I was wondering, if he doesn’t marry her, but they are living in the same house and raising a child together, is it okay for him or her to be dating other people? What happens if one of them gets married to someone else?

NO! The poor child would be so messed up in that type of circumstance.​

This is just my own personal ‘rant’ for a second, its not something my friend has said. But didn’t she (the mother) choose to have sex with him, while she wasn’t married to him? What about her facing the consequences of her decision? (It happens to women all the time, they choose to have sex with guys, then end up stuck alone with a child).

WOW! She is the one giving her body up to carry the child, right? She will be the one giving birth, correct? She will be the main source of financial and emotional support for the chlid. She’s the one that will likely have most of the custody, I’m not sure what more consequences you want her to to deal with.

See cause I’ve seen guys get hurt after they give themselves totally to a girl who they’re not married to, and then the girl leaves them and breaks their heart. And if that happens, isn’t it the guys fault for giving himself to someone who isn’t married to him? But then if it’s the other way around, all of a sudden it’s not a girl’s fault if she gets abandoned and heartbroken and possibly with a child, it’s the guys responsibility to stay with her. What’s with the double standard?
The guys responsibility is to the child not the woman.
I know he’s pretty panicked right now. But beleive it or not the joy your child brings to you far outweighs any initial fears.
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I’ll pray for your friend. That he’ll be able to say “what can I do to help” instead of “what can I avoid doing.”
 
Tietjen said:
I absolutely 100% completely and totally agree with everything in Viki’s post! It’s no longer a question about what your friend WANTS, it’s about what their child NEEDS!
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This is right, it is about what the child needs and that is a stable family life - the only other person who even mentioned Adoption in this thread that I saw was Puzzleannie and I have to agree with her. No one seems to even consider this as an option!

It sounds like neither party is ready to be a parent, unfortunately they went ahead and fell for the temptation and created a child, there is a couple I am sure in Australia whose arms are just waiting for that baby! Talk to your friend about talking to the girl about letting someone else parent their baby (adoption), this seems to me the best solution for the baby, instead of having two parents who are not ready to be parents (and yes, there are those who are thrust into this position and do well.)

Brenda V.
 
adoption is the heroic option
unfortunately the mind-set that leads people to casual sex is the exact opposite of heroic, so a 180 needs to happen,

fortunately, for many, the being confronted with the reality of parenthood does inspire heroism, whatever they choose, and they choose with the child’s best interests at heart, and drop the selfish attitude that led them into this predicament.
 
this comes to mind

this isn’t even a religious issue, its a man issue. this is a time when beating around the bush isn’t going to help. he needs a friend to tell him like it is.
 
puzzleannie said:
adoption is the heroic option
unfortunately the mind-set that leads people to casual sex is the exact opposite of heroic, so a 180 needs to happen,

fortunately, for many, the being confronted with the reality of parenthood does inspire heroism, whatever they choose, and they choose with the child’s best interests at heart, and drop the selfish attitude that led them into this predicament.
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Though i can’t make the decision for the young man i think they might want to consider what you have suggested. At least the child would have parents who love him and don’t see him as a mistake…
 
The CCC teaching on “Parents” begins with 2221 and continues though 2231. If you do not have a copy, you can find many on line, this one is searchable:

scborromeo.org/ccc.htm

The duties of parents [2221](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/2221.htm’)😉 The fecundity of conjugal love cannot be reduced solely to the procreation of children, but must extend to their moral education and their spiritual formation. "The role of parents in education is of such importance that it is almost impossible to provide an adequate substitute."29 The right and the duty of parents to educate their children are primordial and inalienable.
 
Both of those in question knew the “facts of life” - so, they are both responsible for the action, however, women are different than men. Women will give in to pressure for sex in order to gain the love of a man.

As others have said, the honorable thing is to put this child up for adoption. Contact Catholic Charities and they will provide fantastic guidance and assistance.

An honorable man does not abandon the woman he made pregnant during that time of pregnancy. Should adoption be decided, the honorable thing is to provide emotional, prayer and financial support during the process. He needs to treat her with respect and dignity.

He should seek confession, and resolve to remember that sex can make a baby.
 
The question is, is it okay for him to just leave her and the child? …He is partly worried that she might abort their child if he leaves her.
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No, it is absolutely not okay for him to just leave her and the child! Women who choose abortion frequently say they would have continued their pregnancies if they had the fathers’ support. Yes, it’s a very real possibility that she might abort the child if he leaves, and he *should *worry that. Your friend must support her throughout her pregnancy, but not live with her.

Annie, as usual, is right. Adoption is the best and most generous option for this situation.

If the woman refuses to place the child up for adoption, and after the child is born, he should ask for a paternity test. If the child is really his, he needs to be involved with his child. The child’s father and mother need to work together for the child’s best interest.

Your friend should not rush into marriage, especially with someone he barely knows and does not love. Successful marriages need mature people, and your friend sounds immature at the present. Children need fathers, and father’s need to be men, not boys. It’s time for your friend to grow up.
 
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