Friend living with boyfriend

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Monica4316

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A very close friend is living with her boyfriend. She invited me to her place. I dont really know what to do… I don’t want it to seem like I am ok with it. I also want to remain friends, and to help my friend come closer to God, hopefully by being a good example. My friend is a non practising Catholic. Im really confused yet I want to put Jesus first. Would it be scandal to visit? not overnight. And how can I make my view clearer? thanks!
 
Monica4316 said:
A very close friend is living with her boyfriend. She invited me to her place. I dont really know what to do… I don’t want it to seem like I am ok with it. I also want to remain friends, and to help my friend come closer to God, hopefully by being a good example. My friend is a non practising Catholic. Im really confused yet I want to put Jesus first. Would it be scandal to visit? not overnight. And how can I make my view clearer? thanks!
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I don’t see any reason myself why you shouldn’t visit. Just make sure she’s there too to avoid any kind of scandulous rumors that people start. By all means be friends. I have friends that drink. I don’t. If they can’t understand that I wouldn’t consider them a friend. What she does is what she does and you just might get a word in there that you don’t believe in it too.

Good Luck
 
Monica4316 said:
A very close friend is living with her boyfriend. She invited me to her place. I dont really know what to do… I don’t want it to seem like I am ok with it. I also want to remain friends, and to help my friend come closer to God, hopefully by being a good example. My friend is a non practising Catholic. Im really confused yet I want to put Jesus first. Would it be scandal to visit? not overnight. And how can I make my view clearer? thanks!
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Monica, this common situation has become common because of the fear of too many to appear to be “judgmental” and thus treat a sinful living situation as normal. Just tell her you are uncomfortable visiting her; if she is a good friend she should respect your discomfort with visiting her while she is living with her boyfriend even if she presently doesn’t understand why you believe as you do.
 
This is the norm by todays standards. I would be her friend and visit her as usual…you are not her parent.Where you can make a stand is if they want to stay the night at your house and sleep in the same bed, then you have the right to do something.
 
Thanks for the replies… I am praying about all this. I don’t want to preach at my friend. I also don’t want to encourage her living arrangement. I am not sure how to combine the two… I know cohabitation and sex before marriage is common today but it seems to me we should encourage each other to holiness? I am not really debating with anyone, I dont even know what to do! I realize only God can change hearts. I am not saying I want to debate my friend, that would probably not work. I remember a story about St Gemma and how she welcomed a prostitute but then helped her get out of her situation…
 
Just have fun with her and be a good friend, and lead by your example. Don’t view her in terms of theologies and accept her as she is. Hopefully this will draw her to Jesus and not repel het and of courde pray.
 
billcu1 said:
I don’t see any reason myself why you shouldn’t visit. Just make sure she’s there too to avoid any kind of scandulous rumors that people start. By all means be friends. I have friends that drink. I don’t. If they can’t understand that I wouldn’t consider them a friend. What she does is what she does and you just might get a word in there that you don’t believe in it too.

Good Luck
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But drinking is not a question of morality. It’s just a personal preference or, occasionally, a health issue. Your friends who drink are not doing anything sinful.

This woman is choosing, every single morning, to commit a grave sin and to spit on the institution of marriage. No, I would not visit this type of home. Meet for lunch or a movie on neutral ground. Invite her over to your place. Do things together, but not at her house. Tell her with charity that it makes you sad to see her in a relationship full of so much disrespect and that you are praying for her and her live-in boyfriend.
 
Monica4316 said:
Thanks for the replies… I am praying about all this. I don’t want to preach at my friend. I also don’t want to encourage her living arrangement. I am not sure how to combine the two… I know cohabitation and sex before marriage is common today but it seems to me we should encourage each other to holiness? I am not really debating with anyone, I dont even know what to do! I realize only God can change hearts. I am not saying I want to debate my friend, that would probably not work. I remember a story about St Gemma and how she welcomed a prostitute but then helped her get out of her situation…
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I see your situation. I am not jugmental but I always make my beliefs heard. That’s the way I do it. It is god who is Judge. I would visit her and say “If I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t live with him until marriage.” or something like that. That’s what you believe. I happen to share the same belief.
 
First off, I think it is great that you don’t want to judge her. And if you are friends, you should be able to express your opinion in a non-judgemental way that you would not live with someone before marriage because as a Catholic that is a sin. If she already knows this about you and has chosen to invite you over, then she does NOT feel judged and values your firiendship.

Now it is a very grey line as to whether or not you should go. If you are going to simply have coffee and talk and do nothing sinful, then perhaps your presence will be a shining light. However, remember you are in the boyfriends home and as such, you need to respect his free will. If the topic of living together comes up, simply say 'As you know I am Catholic. I respect you are adults free to choose your own lifestyle, however, I must say for the record, I do not believe in living together unless married. Rather than fight, let’s agree to disagree and have a pleasant visit talking about other things.

If she can’t accept that, then she is NOT your friend

Angie
 
I know this seems naive and stupid but should we be deciding if they are sleeping together? I know they probably are but unless you know for sure we shouldn’t make assumptions.

Also, we can’t take responsibility for someone else’s sin just because we are their friend. Then we couldn’t be anyone’s friend could we since everyone is a sinner, and we certainly don’t know all their secrets.
Just keep being her friend. To not be so would be non Christian.
 
What is your conscience telling you to do? I am not saying don’t continue to be her friend. But I don’t think you should carry on as though everything is normal either. I like the earlier suggestions that you go out to eat with her or something away from her home. If you carry on as normal then you are letting your friend be that much more comfortable in her sinful arrangement which, in turn, stands to delay (possibly permanently) her reconciliation with God. Also, carrying on as though everything is completely normal stands to numb your own conscience to sin. It seems to me that your conscience is tugging you not to go into that home and to otherwise be very cautious in your relationship with your friend. Your conscience is part of your soul-preservation mechanism–please don’t ignore it.
 
BettyBoop416 said:
I have a fundamentalist, Bible-thumping friend at work. Try telling him that.
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On this board I assume we’re talking Catholic morality unless otherwise noted : ) Luckily our faith teaches that we can enjoy alcohol in moderation!
 
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I accepted their hospitality and they were also regulars at my house too. I made no secret of the fact I went to Mass and was a practicing Catholic and they respected that.

Only 1 of the couple was a Catholic (the man) and we used to sometimes reminisce about the way we were taught our faith at primary school. Eventually, they married and now have a lovely baby son and they attend Mass every Sunday as a family.

Apparently, one of the factors that gave my friend a nudge back was the fact that someone else his own age, who could enjoy a glass of wine and a laugh and was apparently quite ‘normal’ 😃 was still practicing and unashamedly so.
 
BettyBoop416 said:
I have a fundamentalist, Bible-thumping friend at work. Try telling him that.
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Yes and you don’t want to appear to others to be like that. A preacher condeming and judging others. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to get to know someone by living with them. Is this boy and girl simply sharing expensing and not engaging in anything sexual. Maybe that isn’t a sin but an attempt at mutual survival.
However, dating is the way to get to know someone. Not immorally living together. Remember it was Jesus that sat with the sinners. When the Jews turned up their nose. The law of love trumps the law of sin and death anyway. If you have real love sin can’t exist.
 
Do you have to visit at their home? Is there an alternative?

Also, you said that she was “Catholic”, but not a practicing Catholic.

If you already know that she isn’t practicing the faith, then why expect her to behave like she does in her own home?

Please understand that I’m not trying to be argumentative, but pointing out that you already consider her a friend, despite her wayward ways.

It seems like it’s a perfectly natural thing for friends to invite people to their home. I think she already knows your position and that you wouldn’t approve of her lifestyle.

Sadly, sometimes we have to watch as our friends make mistakes and screw up their lives.

I don’t think that visiting her means supporting her lifestyle. I think that visiting her means supporting her emotional needs for friendship.

I’d never visit most of the people in my family if it was contingent on me approving of their lifestyle. They know by my looks and smirks when I disapprove of what’s going on, but “it’s family”.

Anyway, my 2 cents…
 
JackieMom said:
But drinking is not a question of morality. It’s just a personal preference or, occasionally, a health issue. Your friends who drink are not doing anything sinful.

This woman is choosing, every single morning, to commit a grave sin and to spit on the institution of marriage. No, I would not visit this type of home. Meet for lunch or a movie on neutral ground. Invite her over to your place. Do things together, but not at her house. Tell her with charity that it makes you sad to see her in a relationship full of so much disrespect and that you are praying for her and her live-in boyfriend.
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Telling someone, especially a adult friend not a child “You are wrong and I am praying for you and your boyfriend because of it” will only cause resentment and it makes the person sound like a religious nut. Even if they know they are wrong, they will most likely just ask “Well, who are they to judge me?”

In think it would be better just to pray, not declair to them that you are going to pray because they are living wrong.
 
Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors - even in THEIR homes… I imagine that we will only alienate people if we refuse to visit them in their homes and reduce or eliminate any chance of being a witness for Christ. Maybe the US is still more conservative in this regards, but where I live, this is the norm for all ages… and we can’t limit it to “live-in bfs/gfs” but also people in irregular marriages (eg. second or third marriages if previous spouse is still living) as these situations are equally sinful from a Catholic perspective. Basically the number of people we would be able to visit in their homes would become very, very limited… 50% of marriages here in Canada end in divorce - many of those people remarry, and virtually everyone - the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority - whether Catholic or not - live together before and between marriages. This is reality. This is our situation…we don’t have to like it, but we have to meet the culture where its at and attempt to show the light of Christ without alienating or insulting them. Outside of very devout Catholics and evangelical Protestants, I have never met a Canadian couple who did not live together before marriage. An important component of evangelization is friendship, and in my opinion it is very difficult to form real lasting friendships if we refuse to visit the homes of anyone in an irregular or sinful living situation. I don’t understand how a visit condones their lifestyle…you can politely voice your opinions when the appropriate time arises.

The friend in question is a non-practicing Catholic - if you treat a non-practicing Catholic as a believer (rebuking them for sin that they don’t even recognzie in the first place), you will alienate them just as surely as you would a non-Catholic. You can express your beliefs and explain why you believe that lifestyle to be sinful, but as the poster above says, an open rebuke will not be at all productive.
 
twf said:
Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors - even in THEIR homes…
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👍

I really don’t see anything wrong with visiting them in their home. There are other ways to make it clear that you disaprove of their relationship without refusing to visit their home. Such as talking to your friend about it sometime, in a very charitable way where you make sure she will not think you are judging her personally, but rather only her action. Do that once and then don’t bring it up again and be sure to continue to show her that you still love her as a person even though you disagree with her action. When trying to figure out the fine line between true charity and being judgemental think about the distinction of judging her as a person versus judging her action while still clearly showing her that you love her as a person. If you can find a way to tell her that you think she is wrong to live with her boyfriends without her taking it as a judgement of herself as a person then you have found that elusive middle path of true charity. Oh, also, remember to pray for her and her boyfriend, that is an extremely important step. Good luck, I’m sorry you’re caught in such a difficult situation. :hug1:
 
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