Friends of a gay family member

[SuzyRose45]

I can love my gay family member…but cannot accept the gay lifestyle. How do I deal with, meet, accept, celebrate holidays with their gay partner? Or do I refuse to allow them into my home and thereby causing the family member to withdraw as well?

 

[Marauder]

I would suggest getting in contact with Encourage. A Roman Catholic curia approved ministry for families of people that deal with same sex attractions.

Here is a link to their site:
couragerc.org/Encourage.html
A method that many people take is to view both your relative and their friend as if they are roommates.

 

[SuzyRose45]

Thank you so much for replying. We have no Encourage chapter here. I can do roommate and that does seem to be the best approach. Thank you.

 

[Marauder]

If you are treating them as roommates. Just remember that it is your right to set the rules in your house. If they come over to stay and you don’t feel comfortable sharing a room, don’t let them. If they decide they want to show affection and that makes you uncomfortable, let them know. It needs to be a two-way street. Also let your relative know that you do not approve of the lifestyle but you still love them.

Keep communication open, but that doesn’t mean you have to approve the lifestyle.

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

I can love my gay family member…but cannot accept the gay lifestyle. How do I deal with, meet, accept, celebrate holidays with their gay partner? Or do I refuse to allow them into my home and thereby causing the family member to withdraw as well?

I agree with Marauder on this.

I believe loving both of them is proper and right, while not recognizing their relationship. Now, they might not like that and insist that you recognize their relationship as valid, but that’s an unfair expectation given the beliefs of the Church on the issue. I think an open and honest conversation about this would help.

 

[cristininha]

If you are treating them as roommates. Just remember that it is your right to set the rules in your house. If they come over to stay and you don’t feel comfortable sharing a room, don’t let them. If they decide they want to show affection and that makes you uncomfortable, let them know. It needs to be a two-way street. Also let your relative know that you do not approve of the lifestyle but you still love them.

Keep communication open, but that doesn’t mean you have to approve the lifestyle.

Those who scrutinize are also under scrutiny. Those who speak whatever they like, must be prepared to hear it as well from others.

 

[neat62]

SuzyRose45;

I can love my gay family member…but cannot accept the gay lifestyle. How do I deal with, meet, accept, celebrate holidays with their gay partner? Or do I refuse to allow them into my home and thereby causing the family member to withdraw as well?

Well, if your being Catholic is the main issue, then let him in your house and be polite.

If the change in society, by accepting gays, is the concern, then forget it. Stigmatize.

 

[vera_dicere]

My best friend of over 17 years is gay and is now in a relationship with another lady. She still goes to mass, telling me “I better go, seeing as Jesus died for my sins and all”.

My role as her friend is listening when she needs to talk, offering a shoulder to cry on when she’s sad, helping her out with problems when she has them and on the side praying for her everyday. Jesus was gentle in his approach to sinners, I try my best to be like our Saviour, she’s my best friend and I’d like her to find her way into heaven.

But at least she and her partner are loyal to each other and not cheating or anything… so I suppose that’s a start towards a more Godly lifestyle. Espeically since she told me once that “Lezzies just take what they can get until something better comes along”.

 

[mystagogia]

Sexual issues are the hardest to deal with. Wrapped in problems of intimacy, of love, of acceptance, of union, and fuelled by hormones, by psychology, by biological clocks, by the bombardment of erotic imagery, by peer pressure, sex destroys more than it creates or so it seems at times.

I advocate a pastoral stance regarding friends and family caught in such dilemmas. Firm on your beliefs, but loving. Loving the sinner but hating the sin is the thought that comes to mind.

A danger exists: you have to be strong in your principles. You cannot allow them to be compromised when they are assaulted, and they will be.

 

[GodLovesTheSpek]

Love the sinner. Hate the sin. No different from anyone else. One does not “help” the sinner by comfirming the sin. Quite the opposite. Now, the person may not know thay are sinning or if they think they might be sinning they might not think it’s a mortal sin. Mortal sin requires grave matter, knowledge of grave matter, and willful disobedience in grave matter. It’s an act of love to instruct the people comitting the sin that it is, indeed, mortal sin. Politely, but simply and unequivocally inform them of their mortal sin. Then pray for them. It may cost a friendship but you may be saving three lives for eternity. Theirs and yours.

 

[Robertsxxx]

Sexual issues are the hardest to deal with. Wrapped in problems of intimacy, of love, of acceptance, of union, and fuelled by hormones, by psychology, by biological clocks, by the bombardment of erotic imagery, by peer pressure, sex destroys more than it creates or so it seems at times.

I advocate a pastoral stance regarding friends and family caught in such dilemmas. Firm on your beliefs, but loving. Loving the sinner but hating the sin is the thought that comes to mind.

A danger exists: you have to be strong in your principles. You cannot allow them to be compromised when they are assaulted, and they will be.

So what’s your suggestion? You barely answered the question but just went around in vague circles of “accept them, but don’t accept them”.
At least that’s what it seemed like to me.

 

[quiet52]

So what’s your suggestion? You barely answered the question but just went around in vague circles of “accept them, but don’t accept them”.
At least that’s what it seemed like to me.

To family member with gay lover:
“I love you dearly and always will – that will never change. I believe that your relationship is wrong, but will respect that you make your own decisions in your life. So I will not personally condemn you. You are family and I hope you’ll continue to be part of our family’s life. I will respect you and your lover as I respect anyone else, but please do not expect me to condone your lifestyle. Please do not flaunt it during family events – I ask that you respect my values in this home.”

Off topic, but the message would be the same for an unmarried family member with opposite-gender lover:

“I love you dearly and always will – that will never change. I believe that your relationship is wrong, but will respect that you make your own decisions in your life. So I will not personally condemn you. You are family and I hope you’ll continue to be part of our family’s life. I will respect you and your lover as I respect anyone else, but please do not expect me to condone your lifestyle. Please do not flaunt it during family events – I ask that you respect my values in this home.”

 

[Robertsxxx]

To family member with gay lover:
“I love you dearly and always will – that will never change. I believe that your relationship is wrong, but will respect that you make your own decisions in your life. So I will not personally condemn you. You are family and I hope you’ll continue to be part of our family’s life. I will respect you and your lover as I respect anyone else, but please do not expect me to condone your lifestyle. Please do not flaunt it during family events – I ask that you respect my values in this home.”

Off topic, but the message would be the same for an unmarried family member with opposite-gender lover:

“I love you dearly and always will – that will never change. I believe that your relationship is wrong, but will respect that you make your own decisions in your life. So I will not personally condemn you. You are family and I hope you’ll continue to be part of our family’s life. I will respect you and your lover as I respect anyone else, but please do not expect me to condone your lifestyle. Please do not flaunt it during family events – I ask that you respect my values in this home.”

So… it sounded like “You can bring That person to the party, as long as you don’t say who they are & express any signs that would give it away”

“I believe that your relationship is wrong. So I will not personally condemn you.”
You just did

 

[quiet52]

So… it sounded like “You can bring That person to the party, as long as you don’t say who they are & express any signs that would give it away”

“I believe that your relationship is wrong. So I will not personally condemn you.”
You just did

So you think who a person is depends on what they choose to do sexually? Is that all there is to a person?

So if a kleptomaniac is a member of the family, Auntie can’t say “I love you, you’re welcome here if you respect us, but please honor us enough not to steal our stuff when you’re here”? Does this person’s problem with stealing define him or her as a person? Does Auntie and family have to accept the behavior in your mind?

So if someone who continually swears and gossips about others, Grandma cannot say “I love you, you’re welcome here if you respect us, but please honor us enough not to swear or gossip about others when you’re here”? Grandma’s “condemning” that person because that person’s behavior isn’t acceptable to her? The person who swears and tears others down has no responsibility to respect the values of his or her family?

Judge the sin, not the sinner.

 

[Robertsxxx]

So you think who a person is depends on what they choose to do sexually? Is that all there is to a person?

So if a kleptomaniac is a member of the family, Auntie can’t say “I love you, you’re welcome here if you respect us, but please honor us enough not to steal our stuff when you’re here”? Does this person’s problem with stealing define him or her as a person? Does Auntie and family have to accept the behavior in your mind?

No that’s not what you’re saying, what you statement means is “If you come to this party DO NOT BE A KLEPTOMANIAC & do not even dare mentioning it to anyone here or let them find out”.

So if someone who continually swears and gossips about others, Grandma cannot say “I love you, you’re welcome here if you respect us, but please honor us enough not to swear or gossip about others when you’re here”? Grandma’s “condemning” that person because that person’s behavior isn’t acceptable to her? The person who swears and tears others down has no responsibility to respect the values of his or her family?

Judge the sin, not the sinner.

If stealing & your relative having a partner you don’t approve are equal, then sure.

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

So… it sounded like “You can bring That person to the party, as long as you don’t say who they are & express any signs that would give it away”

“I believe that your relationship is wrong. So I will not personally condemn you.”
You just did

I don’t see it that way. It’s very simple. The relationship is wrong. There is no personal condemnation as far as judging the person, but on the relationship. Difference between behavior and person. Easy.

 

[v3orb]

I don’t see it that way. It’s very simple. The relationship is wrong. There is no personal condemnation as far as judging the person, but on the relationship. Difference between behavior and person. Easy.

Not easy. Your viewpoint is one that would ostracize a gay child from you. If that’s what you want…

 

[absolutebelieve]

I don’t see it that way. It’s very simple. The relationship is wrong. There is no personal condemnation as far as judging the person, but on the relationship. Difference between behavior and person. Easy.

Actually, you saying their relationship is wrong, despite whatever authority you believe to be true, is a personal condemnation on your part. YOU are rejecting it. Don;t act like you have no choice in the matter, because you do, so own your free will, and accept that you’re condemning it.

 

[apromisemade]

…do I refuse to allow them into my home and thereby causing the family member to withdraw as well?

No.

I was the only memeber of my family who accepted and embraced my brothers decision to join the military. Everyone else opposed it for their own reasons, and tried their darnedest to change his mind. Even after my brother joined, my dad still would hint every now and then that he didn’t approve. The military changed my brother in different ways, many of them good, some of them very bad. He has some views about the war and middle eastern people that I find very upsetting…

…but…

he is my one and only big brother. The one who gives me advice about surviving in the real world, tells me he’s proud of me, and would give steely looks to any guy I brought home from school. So of course my family and I don’t forbid him to come home during the holidays or sleep in our house on his leaves of absence.

Now if he was a drug dealer and we thought he was going to bring heroin into the house, that would be one thing. But he’s not, he stayed true the what he wanted and who he was and is living a proffesion/lifestyle that we, his family, don’t entirely agree with. He is the only big brother I will ever have and I cherish every moment I have with him, as I know they I know they may not last forever.

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

Not easy. Your viewpoint is one that would ostracize a gay child from you. If that’s what you want…

I have one. It doesn’t. I accept him for the person he is, but he knows I don’t approve of the gay lifestyle. I’ve been very clear that I don’t believe it’s what God intended. He accepts me for who I am too. We are very close.