Friends of the Opposite Sex for Married Men

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justamon

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Please move this post if it is in the wrong place. My husband and I arr having extreme problems right now. One of the major problems is that he has refused to give up female
friends. He thinks it is okay to talk on phone, email, text or do lunch. He had an emotional affair several years ago so there is no trust. He refuses to see how wrong it is considering his history. He has always gravitated towards female friends and not just sexually. I am at my wits ends. We have an appointment with a marriage counselor and then meeting with our priest on Wednesday (or atleast I am)

I really need some advice here. How beneficial can it be to meet with our priest regarding this issue?
 
I don’t know what an “emotional affair” is. But I would think that texting or emailing someone would be OK as long as it wasn’t ridiculous (like several times a day).

Having said that, however, I am a firm believer in Harry’s Law:
A man cannot be friends with a woman he finds attractive.
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I am not here long enough to know where this post belongs (if a different board).

Are these female friends ones that he had prior to your relationship? I would say its ok as long as they were friends prior to your relationship.

I think going to a counselor is a great idea and I pray it helps your marriage!
 
What I gathered from “an emotional affair” being a couple who is physically attracted to each other, speaks often, flirts with one another, thinks about the other but has no physical interactions (kissing or such)…am I correct on this meaning?
 
Yes, that is what an emotional affair is. This co-worker (from Sept) he sent her emails from his vacation, sent her email thanking her for her help and gave her a box of chocolates. Needless to say all done without my knowledge. I found a facebook message to another friend over the weekend.
 
My opinion is this. Friends of the opposite sex are absolutely acceptable if both spouses agree it is ok and do not have issues with it. Our priority relationship must always be with our other half: our spouse. If our spouse has any concern, we are to focus ourselves on them alone. I have friends of the opposite sex. I have one in particular who I text several times on any given day. If my husband were to have a concern about this friendship, then it would simply have to end. It would be terribly hard–I love this friend. He is deeply special to me. But not even a fraction compared to my husband. My loyalty is and always will be to him.

I would not on a whim destroy a genuine friendship, nor would I assume every friendship with a member of the opposite sex has anything illicit or negative driving it. If, however, after prayer and thoughtful consideration you find you are still uncomfortable with your husband having these friends, then I would argue that you are justified in being hurt by his lack of action. Your thoughts and feelings have value. His shouldn’t simply get to trump yours.

Meeting with a priest can be very beneficial to the issue. It may not answer all of your questions and it may not even resolve the immediate problem, but your priest will be able to help lay out the foundational groundwork of where to go from here. My prayers are with you.
 
Well. Most of the close friends I have had in my life have been women.

There is a woman at work with whom I am close. She is the first woman I’ve ever worked with whom I share many values and interests and we have a similar background. I rely on her counsel (related to work), and we bail each other out when necessary. We go out for coffee once in a while. We go to the gym together once in a while. But all of this takes place during the workday.

I have never gotten so close as to have an emotional affair, and I can definitely see where it would be a problem. And sometimes I do feel a little uncomfortable about it.

I’m always open about it with my wife. If the coworker and I go out for coffee, I generally tell my wife about it, for example.

I think it really comes down to your husband making up his mind to commit to his vows.
 
I have a few female friends. One I talk to at least twice a week on the phone. I’ll be lucky if I see her face to face once a year. Another lady, I used to talk to her a lot on the phone but not much these days. If anyone says anything bad about me in front of her, she will chew their heads off. Both these women are in committed relationships and their partners have no objections to my friendships with them.

I have another female friend. If she does not see or hear from me for 3 weeks she would call me to see if I was OK. She met a man and got married. While I was happy for her, I was sad to lose a friend. On her wedding day, she came charging up to me on the dance floor, pushed her husband on to my dancing partner and grabbed me for a dance. I was really appreciative of this. Three weeks after her marriage, I got a call from her. I was worried and asked her what the matter was. She said there was nothing except she was enquiring if I was OK. Her husband knows that we talk all the time but he does not object.
 
justamon said:
Please move this post if it is in the wrong place. My husband and I arr having extreme problems right now. One of the major problems is that he has refused to give up female
friends. He thinks it is okay to talk on phone, email, text or do lunch. He had an emotional affair several years ago so there is no trust. He refuses to see how wrong it is considering his history. He has always gravitated towards female friends and not just sexually. I am at my wits ends. We have an appointment with a marriage counselor and then meeting with our priest on Wednesday (or atleast I am)

I really need some advice here. How beneficial can it be to meet with our priest regarding this issue?
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My opinion, as a general bit of advice, is no, absolutely not. He should not be seeing or contacting another woman other than a cousin or sister and definitely not alone.

Linus2nd
 
All of you seem to be honest and open something which my husband is not. He refuses to listen to my feelings and all he focuses on is that I am trying to control him. His excuse is always “I’ve always been like this.” That is not good enough for me. We are now married and should respect me and our vows.

I know a priest won’t tell him what he is doing wrong but will he tell him he is damaging our vows and marriage? I’m at a loss.
 
A priest WILL tell him he’s doing wrong if it hurts his wife. A man should respect his wife enough to not hurt her.
But he will also ask you if you have a serious reason to not trust him.
Then you get your chance to give your feelings.
Personally, my husband is not upset when I talk to my many male friends. Maybe it’s because of my age. No one is really interested in me in a way that would compromise our relationship at all. 😊
I come home every night and only have eyes for him.
Not all friendships are sexual.
Sounds like your husband needs to be more understanding of your feelings.
Nothing wrong with talking. But gifts? No way.
 
justamon said:
Please move this post if it is in the wrong place. My husband and I arr having extreme problems right now. One of the major problems is that he has refused to give up female
friends. He thinks it is okay to talk on phone, email, text or do lunch. He had an emotional affair several years ago so there is no trust. He refuses to see how wrong it is considering his history. He has always gravitated towards female friends and not just sexually. I am at my wits ends. We have an appointment with a marriage counselor and then meeting with our priest on Wednesday (or atleast I am)

I really need some advice here. How beneficial can it be to meet with our priest regarding this issue?
Click to expand...
In my opinion, husbands and wives having friends of the opposite sex is rarely, if ever, a good idea. Just based on the information in your post, your husband’s behavior sounds completely inappropriate.

As to how beneficial it will be to meet with your priest, I don’t know. But it could help, so it would be worthwhile to try.
 
I have a couple of close female friends and my wife does get annoyed if one of them rings me too often. My friend is very lonely and I understand that I am one of her few friends. We were in a relationship before I was married but she lives in a different State. I believe my wife is very understanding, but I let her have lunch with her old relationship as I trust her implicitly.

But the one principle I have to accept as part of my marriage vows is that if my wife tells me to break off contact with any other woman including my lonely friend, I would have to do this immediately no matter how innocent. That is her right as my wife.
This should be your right as his wife. There should be no discussion, counselling, priests, nothing…I have a right to know where my wife is at all times and vice versa. I have a right to veto any male friend I consider inappropriate. She has the same basic right from our vows. No negotiation.
 
I don’t see how a priest would help. Your husband doesn’t respect your feelings about the matter. You’re married to a real clod. Stop doing his laundry and preparing his meals. That should get his attention.
 
depending on the people and the situation, having friends of the opposite may or may not be a problem. judging by your description, this is causing a problem, mostly because he has already has issues of almost infedility in the past and the fact that he’s not really listening to you.

i know people who can have beautiful friendships with the opposite sex without it causing any issues at all, but that’s not for everyone.

you can try to talk to your priest, it may or may not help. or marriage counselling.
 
I think this kind of thing should be decided, case by case. If your trust has been damaged, for whatever reason, and you don’t have past issues of your own that would cast unfounded suspicion on your husband, then his friendships sound like a “no-go.”

Some guys are totally devoted to their wives or girlfriends, and just are plain mature enough to handle such friendships. Other guys like reformed “bad boys” are better off not skating anywhere near the edge. They deserve credit for self monitoring.

A reformed bad boy who can’t or won’t self monitor… well has he sufficiently reformed?

Me? I am a reformed bad boy who would not skate near the edge for all the tea in China. I could NEVER be friends with a gal I found attractive, not so much because I distrust myself as much as there would be an element of tension, at least for me that would be way too uncomfortable to form a friendship on.

Hope this helps. I admire your dedication to your marriage.
 
Now if it’s totally platonic and he isn’t texting constantly then maybe but you yourself said he had an emotional affair and you have no more trust I don’t blame you. Give him an ultamatum he can keep this friend but you have access to his phone, emails, and texts, facebook and you get to meet her yourself.
 
I am trying because I don’t want to be the one to just give up without trying. He grew up in such a dysfunctional family with a mother who left him in the Phillipines until he was 8 and then sent for him. She has never been there for him and he has never had a male figure in his life. It isn’t like he goes out, because he doesn’t. He works, comes home and is always home on weekends. It is just this pattern he has that he seems to think is okay. I know that I can’t change him and most likely he will not change if he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior but I need to try this last time. If a priest and counselor can’t help us, there is NO help for us.

Please say a prayer for us as we desperately need it.
 
esieffe said:
I think this kind of thing should be decided, case by case. If your trust has been damaged, for whatever reason, and you don’t have past issues of your own that would cast unfounded suspicion on your husband, then his friendships sound like a “no-go.”

Some guys are totally devoted to their wives or girlfriends, and just are plain mature enough to handle such friendships. Other guys like reformed “bad boys” are better off not skating anywhere near the edge. They deserve credit for self monitoring.

A reformed bad boy who can’t or won’t self monitor… well has he sufficiently reformed?

Me? I am a reformed bad boy who would not skate near the edge for all the tea in China. I could NEVER be friends with a gal I found attractive, not so much because I distrust myself as much as there would be an element of tension, at least for me that would be way too uncomfortable to form a friendship on.

Hope this helps. I admire your dedication to your marriage.
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Thank you for your advice. So honest of you to admit you are a reformed bad boy and can’t skate near the edge.
 
I think in these situations if there is anything that the person (in this case the husband) feels they are hiding or feel that they need to hide from the spouse then there is a problem.

But it goes both ways.

The husband needs to be honest with himself about how he sees the “friends”. Are there boundaries he wouldn’t minding testing? Are boundaries already being tested? Even if the friend is not into it, HE needs to be honest about his motives in the friendship and if there is anything he feels would be better unsaid between him and his spouse then the “friendship” needs to be re-evaluated and possibly cut-off.

From the other’s perspective (in this case the wife) you need to address the situation in a way that allows your husband to want to be open and honest with you. If you are verbally (or however) punishing him every time he mentions that he went out with one of his female friends he is going to stop sharing it with you all together, no matter how innocent it is. You are his wife and if it is important for you to know what he does with his friends (especially female) then he should be willing to tell you. But you have to be willing to listen with open ears for the sake of open communication.
 
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