Friends of the Opposite Sex for Married Men

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DanielJT said:
I think in these situations if there is anything that the person (in this case the husband) feels they are hiding or feel that they need to hide from the spouse then there is a problem.

But it goes both ways.

The husband needs to be honest with himself about how he sees the “friends”. Are there boundaries he wouldn’t minding testing? Are boundaries already being tested? Even if the friend is not into it, HE needs to be honest about his motives in the friendship and if there is anything he feels would be better unsaid between him and his spouse then the “friendship” needs to be re-evaluated and possibly cut-off.

From the other’s perspective (in this case the wife) you need to address the situation in a way that allows your husband to want to be open and honest with you. If you are verbally (or however) punishing him every time he mentions that he went out with one of his female friends he is going to stop sharing it with you all together, no matter how innocent it is. You are his wife and if it is important for you to know what he does with his friends (especially female) then he should be willing to tell you. But you have to be willing to listen with open ears for the sake of open communication.
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I understand what you are saying. I completely understand that the both of us are going to have co-workers and those we know of the opposite sex. I honestly don’t have male friends other than my old co-workers or old hairdresser who is homosexual. We are only friends on FB which is visible to my husband. For me, I don’t agree with going out to lunch, talking on the phone, emailing, texting, giving gifts, messaging on FB, etc. That is a deal breaker for me at this point. He knows why we have had major problems the last two weeks and why we are going to counseling yet he blatantly did it this weekend. I mean is he so flawed he honestly does not see what he does and what it causes? Like I tell him, I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. I am comfortable giving him my cell phone, FB password and email access yet he won’t do the same.

I am honestly about to lose my mind over this.
 
Yes, this is not appropriate behavior for a spouse. Besides trying to make him understand how this is affecting you (through counseling, priest, etc.) take it to The Lord, especially during mass. Pray to God to open his eyes. This will definitely work! Also (I know this is hard) but try to maintain your composure and explain in a matter of fact way, not in angry outbursts. You have to talk to him in a normal way consistently. People brought up in dysfunctional families do not know how to communicate and understand each other. They are often spoken to angrily which makes them always justify their actions, rebel, etc. May be he is speaking with you like he did with his mother. And talking to him angrily or emotionally, you are impersonating the mother and he responds like he would to her.

Keeping you in my prayers. I know this is s very annoying problem.
 
justamon said:
All of you seem to be honest and open something which my husband is not. He refuses to listen to my feelings and all he focuses on is that I am trying to control him. His excuse is always “I’ve always been like this.” That is not good enough for me. We are now married and should respect me and our vows.

I know a priest won’t tell him what he is doing wrong but will he tell him he is damaging our vows and marriage? I’m at a loss.
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Was he truly ‘always like this’? Did you marry him in the knowledge that he was ‘like this’? If he wasn’t committed enough and respectful enough of you to tone it down before marriage then a wedding ring isn’t going to change anything, nor should you expect it to.

You know the old saying, you lay down with a dog you wake up with fleas. No point blaming the dog.
 
justamon said:
I am trying because I don’t want to be the one to just give up without trying. He grew up in such a dysfunctional family with **a mother who left him in the Phillipines until he was 8 and then sent for him. She has never been there for him and he has never had a male figure in his life. ** It isn’t like he goes out, because he doesn’t. He works, comes home and is always home on weekends. It is just this pattern he has that he seems to think is okay. I know that I can’t change him and most likely he will not change if he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior but I need to try this last time. If a priest and counselor can’t help us, there is NO help for us.

Please say a prayer for us as we desperately need it.
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Well, this puts a whole new light on things. I’m not making excuses for him, but this makes me have a bit more understanding toward his behavior. He probably feels more secure being friends with women since he never really had a man in his life to trust and look to as a role model. Also, if his mother wasn’t there for him, he is probably trying to fill the void (lack of mother figure) that she left. Therefore he naturally gravitates toward women when looking for friendships. Some of those friendships have the potential to turn into more than platonic, as you have noted one of his did.

As a person who carries much baggage from childhood, I’d say ***your husband needs counseling to work out emotional issues that stem from the dysfunctional family life he experienced growing up. He needs to go to counseling and specifically tell the counselor about his mother abandoning him and how his father was never around and allow the counselor to professionally help him work through that. ***He will need your patience and understanding, which I am sure you will give/are giving him. I’m not saying let him walk on you and hurt your feelings. I’m just saying he will need your unconditional love while he goes through the healing process.

I hope your talk with the priest goes well. Prayers for you. :signofcross:
 
To be honest, I think the part about him being secretive is way worse than being friends with members of the opposite sex.

If he would let you read the messages, overhear the phone calls, etc., would you be fine with him having those friends? I had a decent number of female friends in college, including some who were attractive, but I wasn’t interested in them. Not because I was dating my now wife (only in my senior year) but because we were incompatible on a number of levels especially faith. Most of my female friends were in different places in their spiritual lives than I was, so I wasn’t interested in “going there” as it were. I was with one of them, but got shot down… and we remained friends until graduation.

Anyway, I’ve got female co-workers with whom I play kickball and go to after game celebrations. Guys are there too of course. But I don’t think my wife would think twice if I had a decently close female friend… unless I was trying to hide it. In that case, yeah she’d be upset.

To me, friends of the opposite sex are totally fine. Even if they are attractive! What matters is whether you’re being secretive about it and/or if the conversation/activity has drifted into flirting or something. If the answer is no to both of those, I’m cool.
 
When I was a student I was good friends with a married woman who was a bit older than me. She was on the faculty staff and we just got on well together. Later we worked out we were both Catholic and started going to Mass together. Her husband was lapsed and didn’t go to Mass. She didn’t either at that time but through her contact to me she started going again. My priest never directly said anything was wrong with us but he made a number of statements with a subtle between the lines disapproval. We never had anything sexual and she introduced me to her husband who seemed okay with it, but I never got to know him well so can’t say what he really thought.

We have since drifted apart again,but we do meet up a couple of times a year. And actually I owe her a huge lot as she helped me get my present job.

Think back in hindsight I think she may have wanted more. There were a number of situations whee we got close in situations with erotic potential and in my naivety at the time I misinterpreted them as accidents or coincidences but in hindsight I’m not sure she didn’t do it intentionally. But that’s a long time ago and as I said, nothing came of them.
 
Ophelia23 said:
My opinion is this. Friends of the opposite sex are absolutely acceptable if both spouses agree it is ok and do not have issues with it.
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I have several friends of the female persuasion; college friends, coworkers and former coworkers, internet friends etc. My wife knows about all of them, has met a few in person and/or exchanged Facebook messages with them. My wife even jokingly refers to them as my “girlfriends.”

Nevertheless, my relationships with these ladies are strictly platonic, always has been and always will be. My wife and I trust each other. She probably would not object to me having lunch with one of them as long as I told her about it ahead of time.

That’s what makes our (30 year) marriage so great. Trust.

(BTW, she has a few “boyfriends” of her own.) 😃
 
Dear Justamon,

I can relate to your husband because I mainly had female friends growing up. As your husband says, that’s how I’ve always been. Every man’s situation is different, but from the little that was shared about your husband, I empathize with him. In my case, I don’t relate to other men well. I just get along better with women and I enjoy their company more.

That being said, I do whatever I believe God wants me to do to make my wife happy. That includes giving up anything that I believe is “my right.” I give things up because it’s my way of loving God. If I can’t sacrifice for a love that I can see, how can I sacrifice for a love that I can’t see (God)? This is a grace from God and I pray that your husband’s heart will be open to this act of charity (it would be a form of mortification for him to give up his female friendships).

If your husband doesn’t want to give up his attachments, you shouldn’t force him. It would only make him more stubborn. He’ll dig in just to spite you. This is human nature, no?

Your husband’s unwillingness to change shouldn’t disturb your peace, though. This doesn’t mean you condone his behavior; it just means you make known what would make you happy… then you go back to God. Never let your happiness depend on your spouse. It should always rest in God. Your spouse’s love is only a shadow of God’s love for you. Your real spouse is Christ, through the Church. When your happiness is rooted in God, you will be free to let your husband to make his own mistakes and to grow in his relationship with the Lord.

God bless you. The Sacrament of Marriage is a furnace for holiness.

Your brother in Christ,

KfG
 
The_Bucket said:
To be honest, I think the part about him being secretive is way worse than being friends with members of the opposite sex.

If he would let you read the messages, overhear the phone calls, etc., would you be fine with him having those friends? I had a decent number of female friends in college, including some who were attractive, but I wasn’t interested in them. Not because I was dating my now wife (only in my senior year) but because we were incompatible on a number of levels especially faith. Most of my female friends were in different places in their spiritual lives than I was, so I wasn’t interested in “going there” as it were. I was with one of them, but got shot down… and we remained friends until graduation.

Anyway, I’ve got female co-workers with whom I play kickball and go to after game celebrations. Guys are there too of course. But I don’t think my wife would think twice if I had a decently close female friend… unless I was trying to hide it. In that case, yeah she’d be upset.

To me, friends of the opposite sex are totally fine. Even if they are attractive! What matters is whether you’re being secretive about it and/or if the conversation/activity has drifted into flirting or something. If the answer is no to both of those, I’m cool.
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Agree with this. My husband has friends who are women, including his ex girlfriend. I know that he sends them messages every now and again, but he makes it no secret and if I ever wanted to see what he wrote he’d hand me over his Ipad. He frequently leaves that and his phone around the house and wouldn’t bat an eye if I picked it up for any reason. I’ve never looked, because I trust him and also because he never tries to keep me away from his stuff.

You said he won’t give you his passwords, but what does he do if you just casually pick up his phone? Or if his Facebook account is up and you sit down at the computer to do something else? If he has a fit, probably something to be concerned about. If he doesn’t react, maybe these friendships really are just friendships.
 
So I checked his FB this am and that message from his friend was deleted.
 
I don’t get the guys who say they CAN’T be simple friends with a beautiful woman. If you have no bad intentions in regards women, if you don’t want to seduce them or think badly of them you have no reason to not be friends with an other wise good but beautiful woman. If you’re connecting with a woman who happens to be beautiful/pretty/has a great figure on an emotional level and you deliberately go out of your way to sabotage your budding friendship it’s not healthy it’s misguided and inconsiderate to the woman you’re ‘rejecting’.
 
Today is not a good day and I don’t anticipate that he will be going tonight. We are fighting again so things are not good.
 
justamon said:
I am trying because I don’t want to be the one to just give up without trying. He grew up in such a dysfunctional family with a mother who left him in the Phillipines until he was 8 and then sent for him. She has never been there for him and he has never had a male figure in his life. It isn’t like he goes out, because he doesn’t. He works, comes home and is always home on weekends. It is just this pattern he has that he seems to think is okay. I know that I can’t change him and most likely he will not change if he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior but I need to try this last time. If a priest and counselor can’t help us, there is NO help for us.

Please say a prayer for us as we desperately need it.
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Well, this explains a lot. He’s looking for female approval.
He should see a priest fro counseling about letting go of his hurts from his mother.
You, as wife, are not mother.
Good idea to see the priest.
I don’t think it’s a trust issue or a fidelity issue. It’s a self-esteem issue. Just my 2 cents…

Peace to you.
 
I really don’t understand the “no friends of the opposite sex” mentality. And I hardly consider sending a thank you email, or giving someone a thinking of you gift to be an “affair”.

My husband married me. He’s the one who has stood by my side through more loss and grief than any young couple should ever have to go through. I trust him fully and completely when he’s hanging out with his lady friends, and he trusts me fully and completely when I’m hanging out with the guys.

I travel frequently for work. I receive a per diem for travel. If I’m working in a city where I have friends, I stay with friends- both male and female, instead of staying in a hotel. DH has also taken several vacations without me, and visited with some of his childhood female friends. Yeah- we’ve stayed over at the home of a friend of the opposite sex. And guess what- we’re still happily married. We both often have lunches with our friends- of both sexes. I play on an adult community softball team with many of my guy pals. DH doesn’t play.

I don’t understand why a rational person would find this concerning. If my husband told me that I needed to abandon the 50% of my friends who are males, I would look at him like he had lost his mind.

At the end of the day, my husband is my husband. He’s the one I married, he’s the one I’m trying to have a baby with, he’s the one that I come home to every night.
 
I think the OP is concerned about her husband because of the fact that he had an emotional affair and that he is being all angry with her. Could it be possible he is hiding something or is the relationship strained because of it? I don’t know and no one here knows but we shouldn’t be quick to judge the OP by making assumptions based on what she’s saying.
 
mrajax said:
I think the OP is concerned about her husband because of the fact that he had an emotional affair and that he is being all angry with her. Could it be possible he is hiding something or is the relationship strained because of it? I don’t know and no one here knows but we shouldn’t be quick to judge the OP by making assumptions based on what she’s saying.
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Well, if people can’t speak based on what she is saying, how do you suppose we offer suggestions? After all, she did ask for feedback.

🤷

She’s upset. She doesn’t seem to trust him. That’s pretty clear.
He doesn’t get it.
They may see a priest for counseling.
Beyond that, comments are just that. :coffeeread:

Peace.
 
I really wish there was an easy solution or answer. I am just afraid that he isn’t going to give up or understand so easily. That will leave me with a very difficult and heartbreaking decision to make. Why do I feel as if I’m being punished for his behavior?
 
justamon said:
I really wish there was an easy solution or answer. I am just afraid that he isn’t going to give up or understand so easily. That will leave me with a very difficult and heartbreaking decision to make. Why do I feel as if I’m being punished for his behavior?
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I understand that you were hurt by his past behavior. I guess I’m just struggling to understand what exactly about his vacation emails, thank you emails, or box of chocolate was so hurtful that it damaged your trust and marriage so deeply. Did the emails cross the line with I love yous or naked pictures? Did the time that he spent communicating with the friend take away significant time from your marriage (I guess I’m envisioning hours of text messages here)
 
justamon said:
I really wish there was an easy solution or answer. I am just afraid that he isn’t going to give up or understand so easily. That will leave me with a very difficult and heartbreaking decision to make. Why do I feel as if I’m being punished for his behavior?
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What do you mean, " a difficult and heartbreaking decision to make"? What is the decision that needs to be made, exactly?
 
Lorelei12 said:
What do you mean, " a difficult and heartbreaking decision to make"? What is the decision that needs to be made, exactly?
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If he refuses counseling or any type of change, I cannot continue to be with him. At this stage in my life, I need to look at for myself and get healthy. He is breaking my heart and soul and causing me great pain that I don’t deserve.
 
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