Friends wife is cheating on him

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I recently found out from a friend (will refer to him as friend 1) that the wife of another friend(will refer to him as friend 2) is cheating on him. Friend 2 is a firefighter he works overnight every third day. His wife lets her boyfriend stay over on those nights. She even lets him play video games with their children. They have vacationed together, and she has given false stories of vacationing with friends. This is not the first time she has cheated, and I believe that she is not mentally stable. Also we have evidence from photos that this is going on and is not just suspicions.

Friend 1 and myself have attempted to come up with ways to anonomously tell friend 2 what is going on. A letter via snail mail is the best we can come up with(we have not done this yet). The reason for making our tip anonomous is friend 1 is the brother in law of friend 2. If too much information is given to friend 2, then friend 2 and his wife will know it came from friend 1.

Confusing right? This isn’t even the tip of the iceburg in this soap opera.

My problem is, I don’t feel like I should be mettling in someone else’s marriage, but I think my friend needs to know what is going on. If I tell him directly he will find out that all of my information came from Friend 1. I don’t want to get friend 1 in trouble with his own family, but I still have very strong feelings that friend 2 needs to know.

It seems like my options are A. Leave it alone and let everything work out on its own (which is harder than it sounds) B. Tell my friend in person and possibly ruin more family/friend ties than what needs to be C. Anonomously let him know (I think this option seems like it will work the best, but I can’t shake the feeling that it is very wrong and cowardly)

I have tried praying and asking God what is the right thing to do, and the more I question this the more I confuse myself.

Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.
 
My opinion - option B, tell him in person. It’s the most difficult option, but the most supportive of your friend. Your buddy’s wife and her boyfriend are the ones ruining family ties, not you. So don’t think you are ruining anything. The wife is the one ruining her family.

I don’t like option A (letting things work out on their own) because this is a persistent affair. If there was a one night stand and she was repentant, then I could see leaving it alone for the greater good. But the wife is not only having an affair, but she is allowing him to be a sort of father figure towards his kids. Your friend has to know the truth.

I don’t like option C at all (an anonymous note). One possible outcome is that your friend is going to be crushed, reading the news all by himself with no one there to support him. And that’s probably the best case. He could read the note and not believe it, putting you in an even more difficult situation. Or he could lash out at the wrong party (misunderstanding the note). I can’t see how this option helps your friend at all.

Also, I wouldn’t share the pictures or even tell him they exist unless he absolutely demands proof or something.

I’m sorry for your friend, his kids, and for you, being in such an awkward position.
 
If he is playing video games with the kids, it doesn’t sound like any great secret. Are you sure that the husband doesn’t already know?
 
PaulfromIowa said:
If he is playing video games with the kids, it doesn’t sound like any great secret. Are you sure that the husband doesn’t already know?
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I think friend 2 knows something isn’t right. I think he may not even want to know the truth.

She has not tried very hard at keeping it a secret. From what friend 1 has gathered from social media we believe that this other guy, and his family think that friend 2 and his wife are separated. So to this other guy it may not be a big deal to play video games. The picture of him playing video games is posted on one of his family members facebook. So we don’t believe they or he knows whats really going on.
 
Groo said:
My opinion - option B, tell him in person. It’s the most difficult option, but the most supportive of your friend. Your buddy’s wife and her boyfriend are the ones ruining family ties, not you. So don’t think you are ruining anything. The wife is the one ruining her family.
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Thanks for the opinion. I think deep down I know this is the best way. I just wish I could find another way of doing it. I hate to be the bringer of bad news, and even though it’s not me ruining the relationship, it may be hard for others to realize this, and that’s what scares me.
 
Keep out of it! No one will thank you. Let me repeat, no one will thank you. It may not be true and therefore would be wrong to make the assertion. Or, it may be right and you open a can of worms which eventually will only hurt the children. Keep out of it.
 
dontlookdown said:
Thanks for the opinion. I think deep down I know this is the best way. I just wish I could find another way of doing it. I hate to be the bringer of bad news, and even though it’s not me ruining the relationship, it may be hard for others to realize this, and that’s what scares me.
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Or there’s option D: butt out, find something else to talk and gossip about with friend 1 and let him find out when he’s ready. With all the pix etc you describe, if the man has 2 functioning synapses, he knows something is amiss. He may not want to face it yet.
 
Crushing blow #1: Finding out your wife is cheating on you.
Crushing blow #2: Finding out that your own close friends knew and no one had the guts to tell you.
 
I had a child with a man I loved dearly. We broke up and then I found out he had been faithless all along. My friends knew but couldn’t bring themselves to tell me. That hurt the most.

Tell him. x
 
Nothing to add as I don’t know what the right thing would be but I realize that I can support you in prayer. Asking God to lead you to a place in this situation that will be in accordance with His will.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Petaro, I have been an eyewitness to cheating at least twice and have told the girlfriends of the men I’ve caught cheating. One of the women had even left her years-long boyfriend behind for this cheater she fell in love with; she dropped him, got back with her old boyfriend and they’re still together after twenty more years.

I know that Ann Landers and/or Dear Abby always said, “Do not tell,” but if you have positive proof, if you’ve been an eyewitness to an event, I say, “Tell.” The women I told were thankful as I have been when informed by friends of the same circumstances going on behind my back.

Remember that in this day and age, a person cheating on you can infect you with the HIV virus, for one, and even cause your death.

I would tell a hundred times and encourage others to do the same. This thread, though, makes me think that the circumstances are a bit foggy, so to speak, so I would probably hold my tongue for now unless things become clearer.
 
Dacinom said:
God bless you and I am sorry this is happening.

I think both you and “friend 1” must decide together whether or not to tell him, then both of you find a way to tell him in person. If you want to tell him, tell him in person. If you don’t want to tell him in person, keep it to yourself.

The option of an anonymous note seems, well, cowardly with all Christian charity. If I received such a note I would throw it away. I believe you are concerned! You are a good friend! Therefore the anonymous note should not be a consideration.as it could be construed that you and friend 1 are more concerned about your reputations, friendships and not rocking the boat than you are concerned about the devastation of this family.

You don’t have to tell your friend that his wife is cheating 100%. Bring a copy of the photo of this man, bring what you can and tell him “I am sorry I hope I am wrong, and if I am wrong I am sorry, but I suspected this and thought you should know.” Then promise not to ask him about it ever, and promise you will not share this information with anyone else. Ask him for forgiveness if you happen to be wrong. This should help with your friendship since that is a concern.
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👍
 
I can think of more than a few couples I know personally who have been married for a good chunk of my life who’ve “opened” their marriages for various reasons. Most common being one or the other want out, but don’t want to divorce because of the kids. So, they decide on “open” marriages and keep up appearances.

The point is that things aren’t always as they appear. It’s entirely possible the married couple have some kind of spoken or unspoken agreement or actually are separated and haven’t told friends and family yet.

OP, I’d tell friend if I believed he was they type of person who’d want to know. Just don’t be surprised if he already knows and has chosen not to act or if they have some kind of arrangement.
 
MJJean said:
I can think of more than a few couples I know personally who have been married for a good chunk of my life who’ve “opened” their marriages for various reasons. Most common being one or the other want out, but don’t want to divorce because of the kids. So, they decide on “open” marriages and keep up appearances.

The point is that things aren’t always as they appear. It’s entirely possible the married couple have some kind of spoken or unspoken agreement or actually are separated and haven’t told friends and family yet.

OP, I’d tell friend if I believed he was they type of person who’d want to know. Just don’t be surprised if he already knows and has chosen not to act or if they have some kind of arrangement.
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That is an interesting point of view that completely escaped me. You are correct to bring it up…sadly.
 
mountee said:
That is an interesting point of view that completely escaped me. You are correct to bring it up…sadly.
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Yes–the open marriage is unfortunately a possibility. The hanging out openly at home playing games with the kids points in that direction.

In any case, I don’t think you should tell your friend that his wife is cheating on him based on stuff you heard.
 
In all likelihood he knows.All you are going to do is embarrass him the with the knowledge others know.Leave it alone.
 
I don’t know that a guy hanging out at home with the kids would definitively point towards an affair. She could argue quite convincingly that they are just friends. And I think there are cases where a wife could genuinely have a platonic male friend who hangs out at their home.

As I said before, I would he very cautious about showing him pictures if you do tell him. My experience is that women tend to want to know the whole truth in all its gory details (not all women, of course). Men generally don’t want or need the details. If this happened to me, I would not want to see a picture. In fact, I would rather not know that pictures exist. If your friend already suspects something is going on, then I don’t think he will need pictures to confirm.
 
One more thought… The kids are growing up with a very bad example of married life and fidelity. If this is ignored, their view of relationships will be extremely warped. The husband and father needs an opportunity to address this directly, even if he kind of knows and would rather not deal with it.
 
Frankly, I don’t see why Friend 1 is involving you in all this. He really shouldn’t have brought this matter up with you!

Since he has, does either of you have a sufficient relationship with the wife to confront her? If she stops the affair, repents, and 'fesses up, the marriage might have a shot at healing–more so, probably, than if one of you two drops this bomb on the husband.
 
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