Friendship: When to end it?

[baylee]

Not sure where to put this question, so I apologize if not here.

Has anyone been in a friendship that, at some point, you were unsure whether it was truly a friendship anymore…and you were unsure whether to continue with it? If so, what happened to make you feel this way and what did you do about it?

Thanks for any (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[whatevergirl]

*I have ended friendships before, simply because I never heard from the person anymore, or I was doing all the initiating. I still pray for them, but friendships need to be more than one person doing the calling, stopping over, etc…if someone wants to be my friend, he/she will make the effort to contact me once in a while.

I ended a friendship in PA, when I found out the person gossiped about me, it was hurtful…and here I was, a total dummy, babysitting this woman’s children whenever she asked me to, as she talked about me behind my back. I still pray for her…and her family, but we are no longer friends. She never apologized, she doesn’t know I know she talked about me–and now that we moved away, I don’t care to bring it up. She never was a friend, I realized…she was just a user.

Frankly, what you might find out in the analysis of if someone should remain a friend or not, is if you have to ask yourself that, maybe he/she was never much of a friend to begin with…that is what I have learned along the way.

Dealbreakers with friendships would be if a friend came on to someone’s wife/husband, etc…those are pretty dramatic reasons, but they happen, I have heard. *

 

[jrabs]

I have ended friendships when I find that my moral coded is not in synch with someone elses. I decided that it was important enough to me to surround myself with wholesome and morally correct people - people who can enrich my life.

I have ended friendships when I realize I am being played - just as whatevergirl relates in her post - I tend to be a helper and certain personality types are users. When I figure out the game, I am done.

 

[EmBee]

Your question is pretty vague, so I don’t know how helpful I can be, but here’s something: I have a friend who I met back when I was a very different person. I’ve changed a lot, but he’s still the guy I met years ago. Practically the only thing we share is a history of being friends. I think he considers me a “dear friend” and I now consider him a mere “acquaintance”. We’re still friendly, but I make a point to interact with him less than I have in the past. If he emails or calls, I make a point to keep things cordial, but distant. I don’t discuss personal subjects with him anymore, although I still listen when he needs to confide in me. I haven’t ended things because he isn’t a bad person to know, it’s just that if I met him today, we probably wouldn’t become friends. I’m sure once he finds a new, more attentive friend that he has more in common with, he and I will probably drift apart.

–

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi jrabs–I agree with her, too…on the point about compromising myself. If the friendship requires a compromise of values, beliefs, etc…I’m not into that relationship.

I don’t allow religion to play a factor though…I have a lot of non Catholic friends who I adore…and some who are Catholic as well.

I’d say a dealbreaker for me too, in thinking about it, is if someone wants to gossip to me about other people–like I can tell it’s a chronic habit with the person. I developed a nice friendship with someone here in FL, upon moving here, and oh my gosh, she would talk about everyone…and their spouses…in very disparaging ways. I thought to myself…what are you saying about me, when my back is turned?

So, I didn’t say…friendship’s over…but, I just stopped accepting lunch invitations…I’m polite, (this is at work) but, I don’t want to ‘hang out’ together anymore.

I still pray for anyone who has hurt me…as we are called to do. But, we don’t have to be best buds with everyone we meet.

baylee–hope this is helping a bit?*

 

[baylee]

I have ended friendships before, simply because I never heard from the person anymore, or I was doing all the initiating. I still pray for them, but friendships need to be more than one person doing the calling, stopping over, etc…if someone wants to be my friend, he/she will make the effort to contact me once in a while.

Frankly, what you might find out in the analysis of if someone should remain a friend or not, is if you have to ask yourself that, maybe he/she was never much of a friend to begin with…that is what I have learned along the way.

Since getting married and moving away, I am finding this to be the issue with a friend (but I would not say that she never was a friend because she was a very close friend prior to getting married…which makes the situation that much more difficult). I am beginning to feel that I am the only one doing the initiating.

Even my husband believes that she has been “playing games” with me since I’ve gotten married (for example, having errands to run when I come to visit the area and usually only available to see me/us at a certain time on the weekend). Whether this is a fair assessment I do not know…but my husband is not the type to say this lightly (especially when he thought very highly of this friend before we got married)…and him saying this confirms how I’ve been feeling.

 

[Carjack1]

I have ended a friendship. I was friends with the girl on and off for about 14 years. I told her that I was going to a J-Lo & Marc Anthony concert and she told me that I can not serve two masters and I would be leading impressionable Christians to hell by my actions. She was always questioning me, then I would give her answers, and then she would take the opportunity to question how I was practicing my faith and criticize me. I started to feel every question was a trap. We started to fight back and forth after I told her I didn’t want to be friends no more. I bumped into her at her job. It was awkward. I cried for the friendship that was lost. I am in the process of trying to sorround myself with Catholics and Christians. It is very hard an lonely. I say end the friendship when you do not feel healthy as a human being when you are around that person. There is disagreement and then there is someone who stifles your growth, if you are always apologizing (even though you both were responsible) always making amends. This is the only friendship I have ended it and it was extremely painful.

 

[baylee]

I say end the friendship when you do not feel healthy as a human being when you are around that person. There is disagreement and then there is someone who stifles your growth, if you are always apologizing (even though you both were responsible) always making amends.

I do not feel like this is a healthy relationship at all. We had a couple of miscommunications/misunderstandings just after I got married and I apologized for hurting her feelings. However, I also feel she’s terribly sensitive, perhaps even hypersensitive, so I do not think the falling outs were totally my fault.

Since these incidences, I feel as if she’s distanced herself from me but at the same time I feel as if I’m always walking on eggshells with her…afraid to do/say something that will hurt her…afraid to not do something she would want me to do…afraid that if I didn’t tell her I was coming in that she’d be upset with me…and that’s just not healthy.

When I visit, I am always the one to contact her and try to get together. The only time she ever has for me is about an hour before I leave. She never offers to change her weekend plans to fit my schedule while I am in town. She never contacts me to find out when I’ll be in town again. I told her that she is welcome to visit and stay at our house…and she has not yet taken me up on my offer.

Having said all of that, when we do get together things do seem fairly normal between us. But again, I feel like I am the only one really making the effort to get together.

I feel as if this friendship has been experiencing a slow and painful death. I am at the point where I don’t think I want to make the effort anymore.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I ended a friendship after the ‘friend’ insulted me and sent slanderous lies to my fiance, just because she hadn’t told me some things that I totally would have respected, had I known. These things didn’t fall under the ‘I should have noticed if I had tried’, there was, honestly, NO WAY I could have known if she hadn’t told me. I decided I didn’t want to deal with someone who had a loose enough fuse that she would attempt to sabotage my other relationships over a misunderstanding. I told her that, and cut off contact. It wasn’t fun, but I had to protect the person who was closer to me, aka my fiance. He didn’t take any stock in the lies, of course, he was smart enough to ignore them, but what if he had?

That’s the only one I’ve deliberately cut off, others have ended simply because we grew apart, lost contact, or I discovered something distasteful about the other person, and simply withdrew slowly from contact from them.

Hope that helps you with whatever dilemma you might be facing.

 

[yellowbird]

I think if you are spending alot of time asking yourself if it’s time to end a friendship, the answer is probably yes.

 

[7_Sorrows]

Not sure where to put this question, so I apologize if not here.

Has anyone been in a friendship that, at some point, you were unsure whether it was truly a friendship anymore…and you were unsure whether to continue with it? If so, what happened to make you feel this way and what did you do about it?

Thanks for any (name removed by moderator)ut!

well, i have ended friendships if i thought they were one way friendships - meaning that i was putting more into the friendship to hold it together.

sometimes there are people that don’t really know what friendship is about and don’t know how to maintain a friendship. friendship is about trust and loyalty.

i have had a friendship with a person since were were pre-teens. sadly, i came to realize that i could not count on this person when i needed to. i was expected to be there for my friend, but when i needed my friend to be there for me, this person was very aloof. very cold. i realized how shallow my friend really is and that my friend is the center of everything and doesn’t really have room in her life for a friendship. for awhile, i felt guilty, but then i realized the freedom it gave me to realize that i have other people in my life who are true friends and sincerely care about me and to be thankful for them and not waste my energy on someone who is selfish. it was hard to give up on someone i had known for over 40 years, but this friend seemed interested in the power she held over me and that in the end, the friendship was not good for me.

 

[kresbrook]

I had the exact same situation, we even had a couple curt confrontations about it, but never resolved anything. Now we are such different people that I have finally let it fall to the back of the closet so to speak. I also say that because the friendship is not dead, I just let it go to sleep. I don’t want to burn the bridge, but I don’t want to deal with her either. You never know some day in the future you might find yourself in a situation where you can rekindle the relationship.

I say, stop contacting her. I would just quit altogether. If she contacts you and asks why you haven’t called you can just say that she never recioercated (sp?), and you thought maybe you were being a bother so you thought you would give her her space.

Then you need to grieve for the lost friendship and let it go. Enjoy your husband and the new friends you will make or have already made. You know the old saying if you let it go and it comes back to you, you know it was yours. But if it doesn’t it never was (that’s not exactly it, but heck it’s late)

 

[Salonika]

baylee:

Has anyone been in a friendship that, at some point, you were unsure whether it was truly a friendship anymore, and you were unsure whether to continue with it? If so, what happened to make you feel this way and what did you do about it?

I have ended friendships not because we held different views on important topics but because I was told that no right to hold these views and/or if I really thought about the issue I would not hold these views.

Also there have been friendships that have never got off the ground because the other person has, in my view, expected me to answer very personal questions before the relationship is ready for therm. The usual one being “Why have you never married””

Another situation in which a friendship does not develop if the other person gossips about other people or tries to tell me personal things about them.

baylee:

I do not feel like this is a healthy relationship at all. We had a couple of miscommunications/misunderstandings just after I got married and I apologized for hurting her feelings. However, I also feel she’s terribly sensitive, perhaps even hypersensitive, so I do not think the falling outs were totally my fault.

Since these incidences, I feel as if she’s distanced herself from me but at the same time I feel as if I’m always walking on eggshells with her…afraid to do/say something that will hurt her…afraid to not do something she would want me to do…afraid that if I didn’t tell her I was coming in that she’d be upset with me…and that’s just not healthy.

When I visit, I am always the one to contact her and try to get together. The only time she ever has for me is about an hour before I leave.

Any one of these alone would make me think about the future of the relationship but all of them don’t augur well. Friendships are two way and while sometimes one party may do the leading and contacting and at others the other, this shouldn’t be a permanent feature.

Baylee, does your “friend” in question have other friends and were there misunderstandings and hypersensentiveness on her part with you before you were married. If so, then my comments stand. If not, she could be unsure of her situation with you because you are now married? With someone else you could ask but it sounds as if it mightn’t work with her. Those of who are unmarried need to understand that friendships change somewhat when a friend marries and build a new friendship.

Also friendships are meant to be enriching and mutually supportive not a burden or feel like you are walking on egg shells.

 

[happymommy]

I don’t know the whole story, but could it be that she is jealous? You were great friends before you married, now you have a new best friend, your husband, and maybe she feels that you have left her behind. Something to think about.

 

[baylee]

Baylee, does your “friend” in question have other friends and were there misunderstandings and hypersensentiveness on her part with you before you were married. If so, then my comments stand. If not, she could be unsure of her situation with you because you are now married? With someone else you could ask but it sounds as if it mightn’t work with her. Those of who are unmarried need to understand that friendships change somewhat when a friend marries and build a new friendship.

Also friendships are meant to be enriching and mutually supportive not a burden or feel like you are walking on egg shells.

As far as I know my friend does not have any other close friends right now (meaning no one she does things with). Before I got married, another friend of mine tried to strike up a friendship with her and she did not follow up on that. I do know that she was close to another woman a few years ago and that friendship ended (but I do not remember the details…I do remember thinking that the other woman was in the wrong, but to be fair I only had my friend’s side of the story…what is interesting, however, is that woman got married and moved away as well).

As for her behavior prior to the marriage, we had one issue during the wedding plans. For the most part, I do not remember any major problems with her behavior, etc prior to getting married.

 

[baylee]

I don’t know the whole story, but could it be that she is jealous? You were great friends before you married, now you have a new best friend, your husband, and maybe she feels that you have left her behind. Something to think about.

I could see her feeling that she’s been left behind, but I always make an attempt to get together with her when I visit my hometown. I really do not think it is jealousy because she was very supportive throughout the whole relationship and engagement.

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t know the whole story, but could it be that she is jealous? You were great friends before you married, now you have a new best friend, your husband, and maybe she feels that you have left her behind. Something to think about.

This is a very good guess. Could be right on the money.
Again, people aren’t true* friends if they are jealous over anything you have, marriage, whatever…they should be happy for us when we are happy.

 

[happymommy]

This is a very good guess. Could be right on the money.
Again, people aren’t true* friends if they are jealous over anything you have, marriage, whatever…they should be happy for us when we are happy.

You are right that they should be happy for us all the time, but I remember when I married, I was only 19 and the first from my group of friends to get married, some had a hard time with it. They weren’t unhappy for us and I wouldn’t even say they were jealous, but my life was now different from theirs. I had a husband, I couldn’t just up and go out with them. We were looking into buying a home, they were still in college and it took some time for them to see how they could still “fit” into my life. They were very dear to me so it was not something I was willing to just let go and now, almost 14 years after I got married, we are still great friends. I spent most of Sat. with them. Us 4 girls have been friends since we were 14 years old! Almost 20 years…what a blessing they are in my life!
So, I guess I would look into why your friend is acting distant from you. Maybe she is hurt, maybe she’s sad…Maybe her life isn’t great right now. I don’t know, but I feel it’s worth looking into. Just my 2 cents. A dear friend is a great treasure!

 

[baylee]

So, I guess I would look into why your friend is acting distant from you. Maybe she is hurt, maybe she’s sad…Maybe her life isn’t great right now. I don’t know, but I feel it’s worth looking into. Just my 2 cents. A dear friend is a great treasure!

I guess the way I’m feeling right now is…at what point does it stop being just my responsibility and starts being her responsibility as well? If she’s got issues, why does the burden fall on me to figure out what they are? When does she take the responsibility for bringing them up and resolving them (rather than what appears to be playing games with me)?

 

[happymommy]

I guess the way I’m feeling right now is…at what point does it stop being just my responsibility and starts being her responsibility as well? If she’s got issues, why does the burden fall on me to figure out what they are? When does she take the responsibility for bringing them up and resolving them (rather than what appears to be playing games with me)?

Well, if she is a true friend to you, it won’t feel like a burden to find out what is wrong. If you really don’t want to continue being her friend, then just don’t call her any more!