Friendship: When to end it?

[whatevergirl]

***I hear what you are saying, baylee.

I had a best best friend from college, I mean, a truly, wonderful friend. I was the MOH in her first wedding…she is one of my kids’ God parents. Ok. So, she goes through a divorce and then, meets a guy, who cheated on her like maybe a year into the relationship. I obviously thought she was crazy to stay with him–I mean, this is the dating stage, why marry this person? Ok…so, she sends me an invitation to attend her second wedding to that guy. I honestly couldn’t make it, my older nephew was getting married that same month, at the time I lived up north, I couldn’t travel twice to Florida, in one month.

So…I called and told her the story. Do you know we never spoke again? I called many times, she wouldn’t return calls…wouldn’t return emails…

I’m done.

I grew indifferent…If she didn’t believe my reasons, I can’t change her mind. I pray for her, I will always love her…I have since moved back to Florida, and looked her up, and she has her maiden name back it seems…could it be that she divorced that guy? I dunno. Number was unlisted. I have no other way to reach her…oh, wait, I could try facebook. Hmm…hadn’t thought of that.

Anyways, when friendships become burdensome, and you know you did absolutely nothing wrong to create the tension, or friction, or whatever it is …it’s time to just stand back, and let the other person make the move. I know it can hurt, but that’s my advice…stand back and pray for this friend, if your friendship is meant to be, God will guide you.***

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, if she is a true friend to you, it won’t feel like a burden to find out what is wrong. If you really don’t want to continue being her friend, then just don’t call her any more!

*That’s true too though…I tried with my friend…and I really think, at the end of the day, she believed I didn’t like the guy she was marrying, and wouldn’t come. lol I mean, doesn’t make sense to not call me when we were once so close.

baylee–maybe just ask her…is everything ok? If she is kurt, abrupt…then, you tried. *

 

[baylee]

Thanks everyone…I have decided not to end it per se, but to distance myself. I no longer wish to be the person that makes the effort.

She may have been a very close friend before marriage, but regardless of why, she does not act as if she is a very close friend any longer. She has had plenty of time to get over whatever is bothering her or resolve it with me (or with herself). She is an adult, but I do not get the impression that she is acting as one…I keep going back to what my husband said…“she’s been playing games with you since you’ve been married”. For him to say that, there’s at least some truth in it…and if someone plays games with me, I really do not care why.

 

[Salonika]

I guess the way I’m feeling right now is…at what point does it stop being just my responsibility and starts being her responsibility as well? If she’s got issues, why does the burden fall on me to figure out what they are? When does she take the responsibility for bringing them up and resolving them (rather than what appears to be playing games with me)?

I agree that both (or all) involved in a friendship have a responsibility for keeeping a friendship alive and well. Friendships can survive periods when they are rather one-sided as long as those involved know why this is - maybe one of the friends is ill, has other responsibilities and has to step back for a while. But the other person/people has to know why.

If your friend is expecting you to mindread what is going on then she’s being unfair. We can’t be expected to do this.

 

[baylee]

I agree that both (or all) involved in a friendship have a responsibility for keeeping a friendship alive and well. Friendships can survive periods when they are rather one-sided as long as those involved know why this is - maybe one of the friends is ill, has other responsibilities and has to step back for a while. But the other person/people has to know why.

If your friend is expecting you to mindread what is going on then she’s being unfair. We can’t be expected to do this.

At some future point, I may talk to her about all of this, but I have no interest right now.

 

[7_Sorrows]

at least you have received lots of advice and personal stories from other people and how they have handled this same problem.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Just thought I would throw my two cents in. I’ve distanced myself from a friend – our roles are reversed from what you describe. I’m the single one and she got married. Our situation is different in that we’re older than what your life situation is, we’re in our mid to late 30s.

Our situation was she started dating a guy whom I really like – in fact, I worked with him. And I was really happy for her and was glad she’d found him because she’d been through a really bad marriage before. But even though I was glad she was happy, when we would go do girl things together, all she wanted to do was talk about him. We couldn’t do anything without their relationship coming into the conversation constantly. Now in the interest of full disclosure at that time that we were closer I was having a lot of difficulties in coming to terms with the fact that God might not be calling me to marriage. It’s what I’ve always wanted – to be a wife and mother – but my relationships just do not seem to be leading to that. So I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage and I just could not stand to listen to constant talk about their relationship – even when we went on a girls’ getaway vacation. So I distanced myself.

I just wanted to point out that you never know what’s going on in your friend’s mind and heart. And the friend might not want to come out and say something that might hurt you because she probably is really happy for you that you’ve found this wonderful life for yourself. Maybe give it some time and the relationship will either work itself out or will go its separate ways and you just send Christmas cards out. As an ending note, my friend has recently contacted me again and asked to take me to lunch for my birthday. So we’ll be seeing each other next week. I’m in a better place emotionally thanks to a BUNCH of prayer so I’m hoping that we will be able to regain our friendship even though it will have changed dynamics.

 

[7_Sorrows]

Just thought I would throw my two cents in. I’ve distanced myself from a friend – our roles are reversed from what you describe. I’m the single one and she got married. Our situation is different in that we’re older than what your life situation is, we’re in our mid to late 30s.

Our situation was she started dating a guy whom I really like – in fact, I worked with him. And I was really happy for her and was glad she’d found him because she’d been through a really bad marriage before. But even though I was glad she was happy, when we would go do girl things together, all she wanted to do was talk about him. We couldn’t do anything without their relationship coming into the conversation constantly. Now in the interest of full disclosure at that time that we were closer I was having a lot of difficulties in coming to terms with the fact that God might not be calling me to marriage. It’s what I’ve always wanted – to be a wife and mother – but my relationships just do not seem to be leading to that. So I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage and I just could not stand to listen to constant talk about their relationship – even when we went on a girls’ getaway vacation. So I distanced myself.

I just wanted to point out that you never know what’s going on in your friend’s mind and heart. And the friend might not want to come out and say something that might hurt you because she probably is really happy for you that you’ve found this wonderful life for yourself. Maybe give it some time and the relationship will either work itself out or will go its separate ways and you just send Christmas cards out. As an ending note, my friend has recently contacted me again and asked to take me to lunch for my birthday. So we’ll be seeing each other next week. I’m in a better place emotionally thanks to a BUNCH of prayer so I’m hoping that we will be able to regain our friendship even though it will have changed dynamics.

i had a similar situation. my friend and i had both been divorced and she remarried. i was happy for her until she begn acting like she was better than me because she had remarried and i was still single. we had been friends since pre-teen years. her first marriage was bad. actually. now i see her as someone who is very self-centered and shallow. when she calls, it is all about her. friendship, like marriage, is a 2 way street. you both have to work at it to nurture and maintain the relationship. i came to the realization that i have met other people in my adult life who are truer friends.

 

[baylee]

But even though I was glad she was happy, when we would go do girl things together, all she wanted to do was talk about him. We couldn’t do anything without their relationship coming into the conversation constantly.

Thanks for sharing your point of view. After reading this, I thought back to our conversations and I do not believe that I constantly talked about my husband/our relationship. Having said that, since there is n’t a whole lot going on in her life, there wasn’t much for her to talk about. I wonder if that is why your friend seemed to monopolize the conversation with you.

Now in the interest of full disclosure at that time that we were closer I was having a lot of difficulties in coming to terms with the fact that God might not be calling me to marriage. It’s what I’ve always wanted – to be a wife and mother – but my relationships just do not seem to be leading to that. So I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage and I just could not stand to listen to constant talk about their relationship – even when we went on a girls’ getaway vacation. So I distanced myself.

It may very well be a similar situation with my friend. However, she hasn’t done much to try to change this part of her life in recent years. I used to encourage her in this area, but I do not believe she even wants to “go there” anymore. I think she’s accepted her life the way it is…or she thinks she has.

I just wanted to point out that you never know what’s going on in your friend’s mind and heart. And the friend might not want to come out and say something that might hurt you because she probably is really happy for you that you’ve found this wonderful life for yourself. Maybe give it some time and the relationship will either work itself out or will go its separate ways and you just send Christmas cards out.

I agree. I am not giving up on it entirely, but I am adjusting my actions. I need to see some more effort on her part. Maybe if I stop making as much effort she will see the need to pick up the slack. Then again, maybe not. Perhaps this is really what she wants…and I have been pushing the issue all along.

As an ending note, my friend has recently contacted me again and asked to take me to lunch for my birthday. So we’ll be seeing each other next week. I’m in a better place emotionally thanks to a BUNCH of prayer so I’m hoping that we will be able to regain our friendship even though it will have changed dynamics.

Would you have accepted the invitation if you weren’t in a better place emotionally?

 

[VivienneJ]

Friendship, a most wonderful and a most difficult subject. I have no real answers for Baylee, but descriptions of two of my friendships may help a little. I believe friendship is a precious gift and should not be tossed aside lightly, but if it becomes a burden it should be re-evaluated, as what each person considers a burdensome friendship will differ.

Friend 1: We were friends for 22 years. She was like a sister to me. At two of the most difficult times in my life I turned to her. We went through a time when we did not see each other for years, but corresponded regularly. After 7 years of long distance friendship, she spent a week with me and my family and a few months later a weekend with us. During the week she spent with me, she also visited another member of my family for a day and got some very incorrect information about my family dynamics from this person. After the weekend she spent, during which she was looking for evidence of what she had been told earlier, she sent me a letter telling me all the things I was doing wrong in raising my daughters. She quoted the evidence she had observed, did not ask my reasons, nor even try to understand my actions. She ended by telling me I needed to go for counselling (actually I was in counselling and my counsellor, who knew this person was shocked at her behaviour). For nearly a year there was a distance between us (geographical as well). I met her and her husband for lunch when they were passing through my town and for another year tried to fix my attitude to this friend, as we have a long history. There were numerous instances where she again and again believed this other person and did not ever ask me why I was doing the things I did. I eventually cut conact with her, by not writing, e-mailing, etc and did not respond to her e-mails or text messages.

Friend 2: This is a 12 year long friendship. If she needs me, I’m there for her; if I need her she is there for me. Except, often when I am in her town (again we no longer live in the same place) she is not available. If I phone her, we talk for ages, but meeting is not so easy. Yet, I know, if I sent her a text asking for prayer for any reason, she’d pray and follow up with support. I have accepted her limitations as far as meeting is concerned, keep letting her know when I’ll be in town and hoping.

Baylee, may you find your way to peace with this friendship.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I have ended friendships when I find that my moral coded is not in synch with someone elses. I decided that it was important enough to me to surround myself with wholesome and morally correct people - people who can enrich my life.

I have ended friendships when I realize I am being played - just as whatevergirl relates in her post - I tend to be a helper and certain personality types are users. When I figure out the game, I am done.

It takes me a while to ‘get it,’ but recently a lot has been revealed to me about this topic, most of it right in line with your post.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Yes, I too had to end a friendship with someone I’d known, since high school. I did this to protect my mother. My mom had not yet been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s… but was exhibiting multiple symptoms; one of which, was a tendency to become easily upset or confused. Especially, during times of stress.

The friend would not respect my requests to keep conversations “stress-free” in my mothers presence… though I had asked her, several times.

Sad. But sometimes, we do have to take drastic measures.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Thanks for sharing your point of view. After reading this, I thought back to our conversations and I do not believe that I constantly talked about my husband/our relationship. Having said that, since there is n’t a whole lot going on in her life, there wasn’t much for her to talk about. I wonder if that is why your friend seemed to monopolize the conversation with you.

Just to clarify, I in no way wanted to insinuate that you did this. Just using that as a point to tell my story. I also wanted to say that I have a very fulfilling life – I usually do not have a problem finding topics of conversation if you know what I mean This particular friend has managed to alienate several other mutual friends because of this pattern of all conversation has to be centered around her husband, her kid, her life, et cetera. I am eager to see if we can get back to a girl-friend type relationship so I’m excited to see her again after being apart for such a long time. But I do think that in our particular situation she has to be able to tailor her conversation to include the other party – I still want to know about her kids and her husband and her life, but I think it’s important that she also learn how to have an adult conversation that does not center around kids and husband when she’s speaking with someone who doesn’t have either of those things. I hope this last little part makes sense. I can’t seem to get it in written form how it is in my head

 

[baylee]

Just to clarify, I in no way wanted to insinuate that you did this. Just using that as a point to tell my story. I also wanted to say that I have a very fulfilling life – I usually do not have a problem finding topics of conversation if you know what I mean This particular friend has managed to alienate several other mutual friends because of this pattern of all conversation has to be centered around her husband, her kid, her life, et cetera. I am eager to see if we can get back to a girl-friend type relationship so I’m excited to see her again after being apart for such a long time. But I do think that in our particular situation she has to be able to tailor her conversation to include the other party – I still want to know about her kids and her husband and her life, but I think it’s important that she also learn how to have an adult conversation that does not center around kids and husband when she’s speaking with someone who doesn’t have either of those things. I hope this last little part makes sense. I can’t seem to get it in written form how it is in my head

I had a feeling my response was going to make you think that I thought you were insinuating this…it did not…but it made me reflect on my own behavior to see if I was guilty of the same thing!

At the same time I want to also be clear that I was not insinuating that you did not have other things to talk about…I was giving you an opportunity to also reflect on your behavior (based upon how I felt about my friend).

 

[Nanny_PK]

I had a feeling my response was going to make you think that I thought you were insinuating this…it did not…but it made me reflect on my own behavior to see if I was guilty of the same thing!

At the same time I want to also be clear that I was not insinuating that you did not have other things to talk about…I was giving you an opportunity to also reflect on your behavior (based upon how I felt about my friend).

I think we’re saying the same things – examine our own emotions to decide what part we play in the friendship going in different directions but at the same time hold our friends to a true friendship standard that will allow the relationship to continue.

 

[baylee]

I think we’re saying the same things – examine our own emotions to decide what part we play in the friendship going in different directions but at the same time hold our friends to a true friendship standard that will allow the relationship to continue.

Good luck with your rekindled friendship!!!