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Ophelia23
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What Ellzeena said, completely and totally.
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edwest2
Guest
Communication is the key. I would feel like he was hiding something. If I were in your shoes, after 2.5 years of dating, I would like to meet his friends. And if he’s expressing concerns about your male friends, just ask him why. No need to be confrontational, but you know him better than I. If you think he is sincerely attracted to you then try not to feel jealous. I dated a woman who told me she was concerned about me meeting her sisters since she thought a few were prettier than her. One was, but gentlemen do not hit on their girlfriend’s sister or any other girl if the relationship has been going on for 2.5 years.So, my boyfriend of 2.5 years has a childhood friend that is a girl . I have never met this friend. But, he has not seen or spoken to this friend since we started dating so there has not been a chance. However, he wants to get together with her (without me) this weekend. I am extrememly uncomfortable with this situation especially since he has expressed concern about my male friends.
The first problem is the double-standard. How do I deal with that? The second problem is the jealousy. How can I overcome the jealousy?
Just talk it out.
Peace,
Ed
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EasterJoy
Guest
This. The problem may be as innocent as wanting to avoid having his childhood friend feeding you with all sorts of embarrassing stories about him. You can’t tell unless you talk, and how the talking goes can sometimes tell you a lot, however it goes.Communication is the key. I would feel like he was hiding something. If I were in your shoes, after 2.5 years of dating, I would like to meet his friends. And if he’s expressing concerns about your male friends, just ask him why. No need to be confrontational, but you know him better than I. If you think he is sincerely attracted to you then try not to feel jealous. I dated a woman who told me she was concerned about me meeting her sisters since she thought a few were prettier than her. One was, but gentlemen do not hit on their girlfriend’s sister or any other girl if the relationship has been going on for 2.5 years.
Just talk it out.
Peace,
Ed
Don’t react out of insecurity, OP, but once you’ve taken the time to step back and be calm, do listen to your intuition. When in doubt, talk it over with someone discrete, someone you trust, so you can hear yourself.
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noclevername
Guest
My husband has two close friends who are women who were his friends before we got married. However, when he wants to get together with them, they always come to our house or he invites me to go with them. And he means it, he really wants me to be there. As a result, they are now my friends too.So, my boyfriend of 2.5 years has a childhood friend that is a girl . I have never met this friend. But, he has not seen or spoken to this friend since we started dating so there has not been a chance. However, he wants to get together with her (without me) this weekend. I am extrememly uncomfortable with this situation especially since he has expressed concern about my male friends.
The first problem is the double-standard. How do I deal with that? The second problem is the jealousy. How can I overcome the jealousy?
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chevalier
Guest
Well, some people can be naturally a little jealous about their friends, I guess. Besides, I’m not sure one can have a normal open friend-to-friend conversation with another person present, even one’s spouse.
Inserting one’s spouse in all the conversations with one’s opposite-sex friends is a bit like taking a date to group meetings: the group isn’t necessarily interested in your date, while your date isn’t necessarily interested in the group’s business. Configurations like these result in someone sitting through it until it’s over and feeling unneeded, or fed unwanted information, whatever, in addition to being unable to have privacy.
If I were married, I’d certainly at least try to be a good friend to her friends, but there’s a good chance I just wouldn’t be interested in some of the conversations and would feel like a chaperone (or even intruder). All the more so if I simply had a girlfriend. Inserting myself in her friendships wouldn’t feel warranted, even from the perspective of a man who’s been accused of being jealous and controlling with regard to such things (I’m not a fan of being the boyfriend of a woman having light-hearted, relaxed one-on-one conversations with men she’s visibly attracted to). And on the other hand, I’d probably want some privacy with my female friends too, not that I’d keep them a secret or anything like that. Also, I’d hate any feeling of being chaperoned or distrusted without giving a reason for it (things are different with exes and could-have-beens).
I’m saying all of this just because some of our posters here seem to suggest that basically all conversations with opposite-sex friends should be witnessed by one’s spouse.
Inserting one’s spouse in all the conversations with one’s opposite-sex friends is a bit like taking a date to group meetings: the group isn’t necessarily interested in your date, while your date isn’t necessarily interested in the group’s business. Configurations like these result in someone sitting through it until it’s over and feeling unneeded, or fed unwanted information, whatever, in addition to being unable to have privacy.
If I were married, I’d certainly at least try to be a good friend to her friends, but there’s a good chance I just wouldn’t be interested in some of the conversations and would feel like a chaperone (or even intruder). All the more so if I simply had a girlfriend. Inserting myself in her friendships wouldn’t feel warranted, even from the perspective of a man who’s been accused of being jealous and controlling with regard to such things (I’m not a fan of being the boyfriend of a woman having light-hearted, relaxed one-on-one conversations with men she’s visibly attracted to). And on the other hand, I’d probably want some privacy with my female friends too, not that I’d keep them a secret or anything like that. Also, I’d hate any feeling of being chaperoned or distrusted without giving a reason for it (things are different with exes and could-have-beens).
I’m saying all of this just because some of our posters here seem to suggest that basically all conversations with opposite-sex friends should be witnessed by one’s spouse.
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EasterJoy
Guest
I have lunch out with my male friends sometimes without my spouse present, but he is always invited. There are none of them that I wouldn’t want him to meet, least of all my childhood friends. When you know how the affair of others got started–affairs that ended their marriages–you don’t put “privacy” ahead of protecting your heart and your marriage.Well, some people can be naturally a little jealous about their friends, I guess. Besides, I’m not sure one can have a normal open friend-to-friend conversation with another person present, even one’s spouse.
Inserting one’s spouse in all the conversations with one’s opposite-sex friends is a bit like taking a date to group meetings: the group isn’t necessarily interested in your date, while your date isn’t necessarily interested in the group’s business. Configurations like these result in someone sitting through it until it’s over and feeling unneeded, or fed unwanted information, whatever, in addition to being unable to have privacy.
If I were married, I’d certainly at least try to be a good friend to her friends, but there’s a good chance I just wouldn’t be interested in some of the conversations and would feel like a chaperone (or even intruder). All the more so if I simply had a girlfriend. Inserting myself in her friendships wouldn’t feel warranted, even from the perspective of a man who’s been accused of being jealous and controlling with regard to such things (I’m not a fan of being the boyfriend of a woman having light-hearted, relaxed one-on-one conversations with men she’s visibly attracted to). And on the other hand, I’d probably want some privacy with my female friends too, not that I’d keep them a secret or anything like that. Also, I’d hate any feeling of being chaperoned or distrusted without giving a reason for it (things are different with exes and could-have-beens).
I’m saying all of this just because some of our posters here seem to suggest that basically all conversations with opposite-sex friends should be witnessed by one’s spouse.
The business meeting analogy is a bad one, because the OP is not expressing concern about colleagues of the opposite sex. She’s concerned about socializing with a member of the opposite sex without her, and especially when it is made clear that her presence is not wanted (rather than expressing concern that she would be bored). The truths of human nature say not that he is doing something wrong, but that there is good reason to be concerned.
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chevalier
Guest
I didn’t say anything about ‘wouldn’t want him to meet’. I spoke about being able to have conversations in private, without having a spouse listening. Talking to friends outside the hearing of one’s spouse is not putting privacy ahead of the marriage. It’s called healthy limits rather. Nowhere does it say that one’s spouse must listen to every word.I have lunch out with my male friends sometimes without my spouse present, but he is always invited. There are none of them that I wouldn’t want him to meet, least of all my childhood friends. When you know how the affair of others got started–affairs that ended their marriages–you don’t put “privacy” ahead of protecting your heart and your marriage.
Yes, there is one, but there might be an explanation. I wrote my last post for perspective. Basically, it’s only a regional/cultural thing in some places that people believe the spouse must be entitled to hear every word of one’s conversations with friends.She’s concerned about socializing with a member of the opposite sex without her, and especially when it is made clear that her presence is not wanted (rather than expressing concern that she would be bored). The truths of human nature say not that he is doing something wrong, but that there is good reason to be concerned.
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