From a lovesick mind

[Contra_Mundum_1]

A year is not that long. Healing takes time. You had a long term relationship with her, you don’t just get over it in no time. Once it took me a year to get over a guy whom I dated for only 2 months. Crazy, I know. But the feelings were strong, I couldn’t see things clearly, I was completely stuck. Mercifully, eventually I moved on. After that I was single for 4 years before I met my now husband. It is tough to be single after a long relationship, but I believe it is for the best. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and happy with your own company in order to be good company for another person. Desperation is never attractive. So please, whatever you do, don’t play the pity card. There is nothing more unattractive to women than a man who asks for pity.

I’m also wondering about your view of God who controls people’s love lives. He doesn’t punish with loneliness and loss of ‘the one’. God is not a character from something written by Goethe. He is your Father, a good, loving, merciful Father. He wants the best for you. He might want you and Sally to get back together if the circumstances are right, or maybe not if that is for the best. But ultimately it is your decision whether to try and win her back, He will not hit you over the head in order to stop you. We have free will.

I remember well that time before I met my husband when I was wondering why I wasn’t meeting decent men. I wanted something solid, a healthy relationship, a person I could settle down with. Those few years felt like forever. But looking back it is so clear to me that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. And I met my husband when I wasn’t looking. Life is full of surprises. You literally don’t know what is around the corner. It may be Sally again, or someone new.

Maybe you should spend some time praying about this. Take it to Jesus, go to adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and give him your pain, your concerns, your frustration. Ask for guidance and wait for a response with an open mind and an open heart. Don’t expect things to happen overnight. Things happen in God’s time, not when we demand it.

 

[The_Bucket]

How do people feel about the statement in Genesis that man should not be alone? Why would God smite me with loneliness like this for so long?

Self-pitying and assuming God’s will in your present circumstances is not going to help you either. And finding a good woman and marrying her does not solve your problems. Trust me. I’m approaching my fifth anniversary and while I love my wife before all other people right now, there has been too much history of self-love (or self-hatred) that has disrupted our relationship drastically. Truthfully, while my wife is human and commits sins and makes mistakes, the strain in our relationship is basically entirely my fault. It makes me exceedingly sorrowful for my past sins and we’re working to get beyond all of it. It’s been months and the progress is at times great and at times very slow. There are even steps backwards.

What has gotten me through it all is a renewed relationship with Christ. He really is all that you need. The rest will come. I can’t have my entire life be based on whether or not my wife is hurt, angry or happy and peaceful with me. She needs to go through her own struggle and while I am here to help, it’s tough to help when you’re the one that inflicted the damage in the first place! Therefore, my peace is based on my relationship with God. The more that is strengthened the more my marriage will be strengthened.

Keep this passage from the Imitation in mind.

Affection for creatures is deceitful and inconstant, but the love of Jesus is true and enduring. He who clings to a creature will fall with its frailty, but he who gives himself to Jesus will ever be strengthened.
Love Him, then; keep Him as a friend. He will not leave you as others do, or let you suffer lasting death. Sometime, whether you will or not, you will have to part with everything. Cling, therefore, to Jesus in life and death; trust yourself to the glory of Him who alone can help you when all others fail.
Your Beloved is such that He will not accept what belongs to another—He wants your heart for Himself alone, to be enthroned therein as King in His own right. If you but knew how to free yourself entirely from all creatures, Jesus would gladly dwell within you.
You will find, apart from Him, that nearly all the trust you place in men is a total loss. Therefore, neither confide in nor depend upon a wind-shaken reed, for “all flesh is grass” and all its glory, like the flower of grass, will fade away.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’m not going to send it. I will just have to bear it. It’s a silly idea anyway isn’t it? That God only makes one person that he meant to be perfectly yours. What happens when you screw up your chances with that person, or if they die?

I need to be a man and just move on and forget about her, that’s the only way I can ever get her back ironically, since I’ve screwed things up so badly. Being her friend won’t do any good, it will just make her keep viewing me as weak. There are other men in a much better position to make her happy. I will just have to continue being miserable without her. This is the conclusion you all have led me to believe.

What if there were some way for us to be together though? This is the thought that haunts me. I could be, and was in the past, the perfect catholic man for her, I can truly say that. But I got impatient and fell apart. Now there is just no hope, and God will not help me with something I clearly cannot handle.

I once loved someone who didn’t love me and it took a jolt for me to realize he never would. At the right time things might have worked out but it was the wrong time for both of us. Sometimes the highest form of love is to let go and move on. You need to let this go some how or it will eat you alive. You could send the letter but I think that would just bring more pain to you both. It sounds like she has moved on and now it’s your turn. I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. The romantic in me would say send the letter but the realist says it probably is way too late and it’s time to let go. There’s also a ton of other good women out there. Just make sure you are ready before you dip into the dating pool again there’s nothing worse then dating someone just so you won’t be alone that’s sort of using someone for one own needs.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think you should send the letter; it won’t do any good at all. Trust me on this. Instead, start dating other women and try to forget about her.

Also, there are plenty of good reasons to become Catholic. To get back an old girlfriend is not one of them.

I agree with this. Don’t mail the letter, but do cut off contact with Sally. It’s just making you more miserable. Give the outcome to God, and move forward with your life. The letter sounds really maudlin and tragic. So you were feeling sorry for yourself while you wrote it. You’ll have love again. And this time, you’ll start it as a Catholic. Sally may always have a special place in your heart, but that’s over now. You can’t go back and re-do it, and you can’t let your past history with her go, and she probably can’t either. So let her go.

 

[TrixieMcGee]

TrixieMcGee

I have been doing all the things you said, for an entire YEAR, that is why I am at the point I am at. I have been trying that for over a year, nothing is working, the only conclusion I can draw is that there is something beyond just a normal relationship at play here, that God will not let me move on for some reason. Which is why I felt like she is my one destined soul mate, but I guess that idea is just a fantasy. It’s not even biblical is it?

How do people feel about the statement in Genesis that man should not be alone? Why would God smite me with loneliness like this for so long?

A year really isn’t a long time. I still think you are preventing yourself from moving on. You are choosing to idealize her. You put her on such a pedestal that you think that you can’t possibly be happy or fulfilled without her and that she is unattainable. Well, God has a plan for you and it is VERY hard to discern the voice of God. I think you are letting your emotions get in the way of your brain.

If no man should be alone, then why are priests, monks, and nuns alone? You are reading too much into that verse. God has different plans for us all and I really don’t think you know what yours is. God isn’t smiting you, it is just a normal part of life getting over someone who you love and moving on and frankly you are being melodramatic. A year of being single is NOT long. There are plenty of people who have been “alone” longer and have done just fine. You sound so young, but if you two lived together for four years and apart for one, you can’t be that young. Have you ever had another girlfriend before? It doesn’t sound to me that you have.

Pain is part of life, part of growing. If you can’t change the situation you are in, then deal with the cards you were dealt. You are so blessed, you have God, your newly found faith, a new community, you have a job, a home, food, life, yet all you seem to see is that you are missing this girl. Stop ignoring your blessings and focus on them. You are sitting there pining for this girl when you could be missing so many things around you. Maybe even the girl you are really “meant” to be with.

In Jeremiah Chaper 29 there is a letter to the exiles in Babylon the Lord tells them to pretty much go on with their lives, to live. In verse 11 it says, “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.” I know emotions are running high and it is hard to look past them, but stop playing the woe is me card and move on. Live life the Lord has a plan for you. He has plans to prosper you. There is always hope. As I have said earlier, get counseling if you need it (sounds like you probably do).

 

[marcus12345]

Well I finally unblocked her. She called about 2 days later and said she wanted me to know that what she had said to me before didn’t mean she didn’t “care”. I told her I missed her (i couldn’t help myself), and then she didn’t call again for a while. Then she called on my birthday, at about 12:30 after I had been to a party with a bunch of my friends (a party of church people) and basically reprimanded me for flirting with girls at the party. She apparently had a contact at the party that was spying on me!! It broke my heart, she didn’t even wish me happy birthday and then I had to spoon feed it to her that it was my birthday.

Anyway, she is all talking about her future suitors on facebook and generally treating me like poo. I still can’t move on, its some kind of longing or jealousy. I have my own prospects that could allow me to move on, but she just acts to cavalier about the way she treats me it drives me crazy.

 

[TrixieMcGee]

It sounds like you both are immature. You say you can’t move on and I think a big part of it is that you keep contacting her and looking at her profile on facebook. Stop it if you want to move on. If she is spying on you, then that is obviously not a relationship you want to be in. That is very dysfunctional. You NEED to cut off contact from her if you ever expect to move on. Stop being childish and jealous and cut yourself off. You can’t complain about not moving on when you keep on contacting a woman who is clearly trying to make you jealous, turning you down, and is trying to control what you do (flirting with girls) and spying on you. It isn’t healthy for either of you to have contact with eachother. Block her on facebook, don’t answer her calls, or block her number if you can.