Frustrated at Clingy Woman

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Madaglan

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There is a woman at my parish who in the past has told me she likes me. I have no attraction to her whatsoever, and I told her I see her just as a friend. My parish is quite small, and so she and other people in their 20’s often hang out together. I feel ok when we’re in a big group, but it especially feels awkward when she tries to get close and personal.

She’s always wanting to give me hugs, and tries to pet my arm and shoulder after the service in the parish. She clings around me and does not give me any space. I not only am not attracted to her but feel somewhat repulsed. Since we’re mutual friends with a bunch of other people in the parish, I can’t just tell her to bugger off, because as a group we do things frequently. But I feel very uncomfortable around her. When I go home, I’m not on facebook two seconds without her chat messaging me, even after I just saw her some 15 minutes before.

To make matters worse, I’m single and so is she, and she’s desperate to find someone. I have zero physical and emotional attraction to her, however.

Any advice is much appreciated.
 
Madaglan said:
There is a woman at my parish who in the past has told me she likes me. I have no attraction to her whatsoever, and I told her I see her just as a friend. My parish is quite small, and so she and other people in their 20’s often hang out together. I feel ok when we’re in a big group, but it especially feels awkward when she tries to get close and personal.

She’s always wanting to give me hugs, and tries to pet my arm and shoulder after the service in the parish. She clings around me and does not give me any space. I not only am not attracted to her but feel somewhat repulsed. Since we’re mutual friends with a bunch of other people in the parish, I can’t just tell her to bugger off, because as a group we do things frequently. But I feel very uncomfortable around her. When I go home, I’m not on facebook two seconds without her chat messaging me, even after I just saw her some 15 minutes before.

To make matters worse, I’m single and so is she, and she’s desperate to find someone. I have zero physical and emotional attraction to her, however.

Any advice is much appreciated.
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You’ve told her “only friends”, but have you tried asking her not to touch you? Whenever she does the arm/shoulder rub, quietly say something like, “please don’t do that–I’m not comfortable with it.” With the hugs, drawing back a little and not “returning” it might work. I had problems like this in college a couple of times, and gentle comments and a little body language was all that was necessary.

For Facebook, adjust your privacy settings, or simply don’t respond to the chat requests.
 
I agree with Nonanon, you need to be a bit more assertive in getting your point across that you are not interested. As long as you let her touch you, hug you, chat with you on Facebook, you are giving her hope that she will change your mind and that you are open to being changed. No, it’s not you. It’s her. She clearly has no boundaries, or she just really really likes you and has set them aside. I think that quietly telling her to stop touching you, and pulling away from her might get the point across. And there’s no reason in the world for you to chat with her on Facebook. Just ignore the chats.
 
Be direct.

Tell her not to touch you and to respect your personal space.

De-friend her on Facebook. Or turn off Chat.
 
Is she intelligent and in to Classical/Aristotelian and/or Thomist philosophy? If so, what’s her Face book?

…Thomists are even more rare in Eastern Orthodoxy than in the secular world. D’oh.:eek:
 
There unquestionably needs to be a more dignified reserve in your interaction with this woman. There is absolutely no reason for you, an unmarried man, to be corresponding with her, an unmarried woman, on Facebook or any other venue unless you have marriage intentions toward her. I agree with the other responses–cease this activity at once for the sake of both your reputations.

Perhaps the next time you and she are together in a group setting and she attempts to touch you (an action which is **completely **inappropriate and extremely undignified for an unmarried woman!!!) perhaps you could frown slightly and move away from her. Make the move subtle so that you do not draw the attention of others in your group to your action. She will see this repulse and hopefully “take the hint”. If she succeeds in touching you or rubbing your arm, frown slightly and say “excuse me” while moving your arm away from her. Turn away from her and begin a conversation with another man in your group. If this is your consistent reaction, she will realize that her attentions are unwanted.
 
I respectfully disagree with hostile measures such as unfriending her. I believe there’s no reason for that. It’s not the girl’s fault she’s feeling affectionate and failing to withhold is not the greatest sin (if any). However, I’d be direct and not rely on body language and subtle hints. I believe evasive body language could potentially have some kind of damaging effect through subonconscious processing of rejection. It would be better to ask her, verbally, to restrict the physical affection because it’s making you uncomfortable. You don’t mind hugging her every now and then as you’re friends, but you feel uncomfortable when it goes beyond your personal limits for friendship. No further explanation needed and certainly no bartering. You can address the frequency of conversations separately but don’t feel obliged either to reply immediately or tell her why you don’t. You don’t need to engage in a conversation every time she messages you on Facebook.

Be assertive, don’t go on the defensive, but don’t fall for a guilt trip, and don’t be hostile. You’re dealing with a sad person who needs love in her life and isn’t getting it. Be delicate. (Being delicate sometimes requires clear messages, which is tough love.)
 
chevalier said:
I respectfully disagree with hostile measures such as unfriending her. I believe there’s no reason for that. It’s not the girl’s fault she’s feeling affectionate and failing to withhold is not the greatest sin (if any). However, I’d be direct and not rely on body language and subtle hints. I believe evasive body language could potentially have some kind of damaging effect through subonconscious processing of rejection. It would be better to ask her, verbally, to restrict the physical affection because it’s making you uncomfortable. You don’t mind hugging her every now and then as you’re friends, but you feel uncomfortable when it goes beyond your personal limits for friendship. No further explanation needed and certainly no bartering. You can address the frequency of conversations separately but don’t feel obliged either to reply immediately or tell her why you don’t. You don’t need to engage in a conversation every time she messages you on Facebook.

Be assertive, don’t go on the defensive, but don’t fall for a guilt trip, and don’t be hostile. You’re dealing with a sad person who needs love in her life and isn’t getting it. Be delicate. (Being delicate sometimes requires clear messages, which is tough love.)
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Best advice so far. You have to be direct. It could be the best talk you could ever give her as one friend to another. Perhaps she needs to hear that the overly affectionate displays are a turn off, not just for you, but the way she comes across to all men. Be direct, but as charitable as possible. If she doesn’t get it though after your direct talk, then you probably will need to take further actions to separate youself from her as much as possible and that may mean defriending her on Facebook and making sure you’re not sitting near her at social functions.

But I’d approach her first, one friend to another. That is the most charitable thing you could do for your friend.
 
nonanon said:
You’ve told her “only friends”, but have you tried asking her not to touch you? Whenever she does the arm/shoulder rub, quietly say something like, “please don’t do that–I’m not comfortable with it.” With the hugs, drawing back a little and not “returning” it might work. I had problems like this in college a couple of times, and gentle comments and a little body language was all that was necessary.

For Facebook, adjust your privacy settings, or simply don’t respond to the chat requests.
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I use body language to show I’m not receptive of her hugs and other displays of affection. I thought that would get the message across, but to make it clear, I’ll tell her, too.
 
Madaglan said:
I use body language to show I’m not receptive of her hugs and other displays of affection. I thought that would get the message across, but to make it clear, I’ll tell her, too.
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No.

Be direct.

But direct does not mean rude.
 
Start doing the same thing with her, but escalate it. There’s no better way to make a woman lose interest. 👍

EDIT: Oops… didn’t see that you haven’t even tried the direct approach with her yet for some reason. So of course go do that first, then try it the other way.
 
exoflare said:
Start doing the same thing with her, but escalate it. There’s no better way to make a woman lose interest. 👍
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Oh. Gosh. No. You do know that there are people who cannot be made to lose interest? :eek:

Besides, this is dishonest. That is always a bad idea.
 
I thought of lots of advice, but do you have anyone in your larger group that you feel comfortable as a discreet person you could ask about this? If the larger group knows that one person is angling after another that wants to cut the pursuer off at the pass without hurt feelings, that can sometimes be arranged. That depends on how socially adept you think your group is. If you think the group is fairly emotionally intelligent, they may be the ally you need.

Otherwise, be direct in repulsing behavior after passive avoidance fails. Say out right (but discretely) “I’m sorry, I know you’re a very open person, but I’m not comfortable with that.” You can also say, if indirect hints do not suffice, “Excuse me, but by saying ‘I’m not comfortable with that’ I meant to say I want you to stop doing it. Really. Stop it.”

If she tries to monopolize you at group outtings, you can say, “Excuse me, but I’d like a few minutes to talk with Cindy and Tom over there, as well. Thank you!” If she follows, you can say, “I’m sorry, but are you following me?” If she says that she is, then say, “Well, please don’t. I don’t like it.”

I can’t help you about Facebook. This is one more time I have felt relieved to have stayed out of that mine field. You’ll have to ask those in your circle what the local “nettiqette” is.

Will you eventually have to tell her in just about so many words to lay off? You might. If you’ve given many many less direct shots over the bow, though, and if you’ve been patient about it, sharing your frustration and desire not to hurt her with your closest friends, she’ll have no one to thank but herself, and everyone in your group will know it. Let’s hope it never comes to that, though.

BTW, if anyone in your group tries to argue with you with something like “Oh, but you’d make such a nice couple”, you don’t need to show anything like that kind of patience. They are in violation of your boundaries. Tell them in no uncertain terms that you’ll decide for yourself who you want to date and who you don’t, and don’t back down if they pout.
 
The funny thing is that it is your indifference to her that is probably driving her wild. 😃

You’re just going to have to tell her to leave you alone.
 
As an obsessive and rejected admirer I am agree with the Chevalier. You must to reject her if you do not want to have something catholic with her but do it with care because she musts have strong and at same time delicate feelings towards you. Friendship and help with her social problems will eventually become a beautiful comfort to a non-corresponded love. 🙂
 
chevalier said:
I respectfully disagree with hostile measures such as unfriending her. I believe there’s no reason for that. It’s not the girl’s fault she’s feeling affectionate and failing to withhold is not the greatest sin (if any). However, I’d be direct and not rely on body language and subtle hints. I believe evasive body language could potentially have some kind of damaging effect through subonconscious processing of rejection. It would be better to ask her, verbally, to restrict the physical affection because it’s making you uncomfortable. You don’t mind hugging her every now and then as you’re friends, but you feel uncomfortable when it goes beyond your personal limits for friendship. No further explanation needed and certainly no bartering. You can address the frequency of conversations separately but don’t feel obliged either to reply immediately or tell her why you don’t. You don’t need to engage in a conversation every time she messages you on Facebook.

Be assertive, don’t go on the defensive, but don’t fall for a guilt trip, and don’t be hostile. You’re dealing with a sad person who needs love in her life and isn’t getting it. Be delicate. (Being delicate sometimes requires clear messages, which is tough love.)
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Best peice of advice so far. I think being tactful is the most difficult bit. It’s not easy being blunt with someone who fancies you, but it’s better than giving her the impression that you like her.
 
She’s hoping she can change your intentions.

This kind of behavior is someone acting like a child who has no boundaries.
It’s up to the adult in you to quietly, kindly, but very firmly give her precise boundaries,
and stand by them absolutely, not tolerate further touching, figure out how you will do that if she tries again as she may do.
She might react like a child, but you are not responsible.
It is her issue if she will not accept your boundaries, but in standing by them you are showing respect. You are showing that you believe she can move to adult and accept boundaries.
 
As humiliating as it is for me to say this here it goes. I can think back to high school and if the internet existed back then, there is a guy who could have easily wrote that post where I was the clingy girl. How did he handle it… He blew up at me and I was humilated. Just thinking about it brings back to pain as if it just happened 5 minutes ago. Not that he rejected me (I have been over that for years) but he HUMILIATED me in front of everyone when he blew up

And you know what… I hold no resentment. I am now an adult who can see his point of view and understand his right to his boundaries. So… don’t worry too much about her feelings, in the end a mature person will respect your choice. However, take her feelings into account. No need to blow up, that is just wrong but be direct in a loving way.

Something like ‘I am really uncomfortable the way you touch me. My intention is to hang around you only when the group gets together and I have no other interest. The way you touch me is something I want to have with a girlfriend. Also, because you contact me so much on Face Book, I am going to defriend you because it has gone overboard’

Very direct but yet polite

CM
 
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