Frustrated with online dating

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mely2020 said:
Hello Everyone,

… the sad thing is that 95% of them want
hookups and no real relationship. Plus I see that most want
to date 10 women at the same time with no intention of settling in.
It depressed me how these guys only want to objectify and
they don’t care of the other person. I feel heart-broken to
see that real pure love is extinct now. Is all about instant gratification
without commitment and sacrifice.

Most of my single friends are into the party and drinking scene. I sometimes
go out with them, but I end up home feeling empty.
Any Advice or thoughts 🙂
Thank you guys!
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I feel bad for you! I know romance is just about dead. I thank God every day for my husband. Have you thought about praying for a mate? I did, and oh, boy - God heard me. God is good. I was 30 years old and had resigned myself to being alone. Every man I had met was just unsuitable. No connection. So one day, I prayed. I got down on my face on the floor, humbled myself and poured my heart out to the Lord about how lonely I was. I implored God to find me a mate, someone I could be “crazy about”. Someone I’m “compatible with”. That’s exactly what I prayed. Three months later, I met my future husband in my little sandwich shop I owned. He had just moved into town and was looking for some decent food. The next day he came back in and asked me out. Two weeks later, he confessed to me that the day we met, he went home that night and had a vivid dream. In the dream, he was standing alone in a room when he heard a voice boom out, “YOU HAVE JUST MET YOUR WIFE!” He woke up feeling very happy and warm and knew he had to return to my sandwich shop and ask me out. We have been together for a little over 20 years, and are very compatible, just as I had prayed for. And he’s Catholic, and led me back to the faith of my childhood. Pray! Pray! And praise God! :gopray:
 
BlueEyedLady said:
What obstacles did I list that she should get rid of? Furthermore, what ones did I list that she could possibly solve by not working?
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It kind of feels like you’re being punked, doesn’t it?

Career woman here. Most men find my initiative attractive. 🙂 When they hear I work two jobs AND do all the other **** I do they are usually more interested then they were before they find out what a hard worker I am.

No man wants a lazy woman. Except, perhaps, low calibre men.
 
nickybr38 said:
It kind of feels like you’re being punked, doesn’t it?

Career woman here. Most men find my initiative attractive. 🙂 When they hear I work two jobs AND do all the other **** I do they are usually more interested then they were before they find out what a hard worker I am.

No man wants a lazy woman. Except, perhaps, low calibre men.
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Exactly! And who would want to marry someone who sits around in her parents home waiting for a husband to come along and support her? In this economy everyone needs to be ready to work.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Exactly! And who would want to marry someone who sits around in her parents home waiting for a husband to come along and support her? In this economy everyone needs to be ready to work.
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Yup! And if you can’t handle a high stress job how the heck are you going to handle children???!!! They’re harder then two jobs combined.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I can’t recommend giving up your career to find a husband. I assume like everyone else she has bills to pay too. Besides, plenty of men, even :eek: Catholic men, marry women who have careers and support themselves.

I think she’ll have better luck finding a husband working than she will homeless.
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Agreed. My ideal woman would be smart and passionate about something (whether it be science, art, education, international development, or something else.) Such a woman would be likely to use her talents in the workplace. It would be unbalanced to spend a life developing homemaking skills at the expense of all other skills.

Also, living on your own is a good way to develop housekeeping skills that would later be useful in marriage. Living on my own in a rental house, I know far more about housecleaning and home maintenance than I would otherwise. The best way to learn how often chores need to be done is to move into a place where nobody does them for you.
 
I met my husband when I was 31. I must say, I was starting to feel a little hopeless by that time, so I know how you must be feeling. At the time we met, I was on both Catholic Match and Ave Maria singles. Catholic Match was just ok, but I loved Ave Maria singles. It was pretty new back then (almost 12 years ago) and I didn’t actually meet anybody there because there wasn’t anybody in my area. I had actually just been contacted by a really nice man at about the same time I met my future husband, so who know where that might have gone. I really liked the depth of questions that they asked. It was clear that the people on there were all serious Catholics.

I had nothing but good experience with online dating, but I didn’t ultimately meet my husband online. About two years before we met, I had broken up with a Protestant fiance. We mostly broke up over religious differences. I was 30 years old and I knew what I wanted (or more specifically didn’t want). I made a decision to only date Catholics who attended Mass regularly. Talk about narrowing the field! I thought online dating had to be the way to go, since I have difficulty getting to know people in group settings and I had no possibilities at work. I was talked into attending a Halloween party that a friend of mine was co-hosting with somebody else. One of the hosts (my friend) is a religious Jew. The other host is an agnostic Jew. I wasn’t exactly planning to meet my future husband there, yet there he was. (He was, at the time, dating the agnostic Jew and coming to the realization that if he wanted a Catholic family he needed to have a Catholic wife). Anyway, my point in telling this story is to encourage you to not give up, keep your focus, don’t lower your standards, but know that you can fine him in the least expected places.

Oh, and I thought I should add that I met him on day 8 of a novena to find a spouse.
 
You and I are roughly the same age, mely2020. I was on CM around this time last year looking for a girlfriend. I had some mixed luck for about two months before I met the girl I’m currently (sorta) dating. Sadly, she’s about 200 miles away – but she’s worth the drive!

I think part of the problem is that the guy-girl ratio on CM is skewed… lots of good Catholic women and fewer Catholic guys. The ratio is reversed on other dating sites but, as you note, the guys are mainly horndogs looking for an easy lay, not a woman to court.

I don’t know what else to say except to pray pray pray and keep at it. From the picture you have on your profile, you seem like an attractive young woman, which is of course the first thing guys look for (it’s true, no sense denying it), so I doubt you’re doing anything wrong. Keep looking, and keep your eyes and heart and mind open. God will make it work, one way or another.
 
Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement 🙂
I feel great that I’m not the only one going through this.
Babochka and Boomerang, your stories were truly inspiring that
I almost cried. I believed it was God that lead you to your spouses
which is inspiring how He works.
I feel finding my future spouse is what I need in my next journey in life.
I have a stablished career (I finished college at age 21) I’m pretty
driven and passionate of what I do.
Last year I dated a guy I met in Catholicsingles.com.
Did not work out because he wanted our relationship secret from
his friends, so I broke up.
But ever since dating in Match, I just did not realized how distorted,
twisted the secular dating world is. The men there are like animals
waiting to devour the prey. I get discouraged that I would
not find a good Catholic guy in the middle of the chaos, but I want
to keep a positive attitude in the search 🙂
 
Mely2020,

Never-never listen to an older women, because a young man can spot it right away. That could be the reason why they are running away, Just a bit of advice: If they can’t support a wife and 10 kids like your father did, don’t waste you time on them. Catholics are supposed to be procreation and afford it.
 
In what way do men spot and run away when I listen to older women advice?:confused:
 
johndoe100 said:
So, what is wrong with a single woman living at home with her parents?
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I just wanted to take a moment to quickly comment on this, sorry if I’m hijacking the conversation.

Your statement lacks an argument. There is nothing inherently wrong with a woman living with her parents, however that scenario does not imply such a woman will make a good Catholic wife. First of all, you’re missing all the details necessary to make such a conclusion. Secondly, what is a good Catholic wife? We can’t discuss that without having a common definition for the term.

If, hypothetically, a good Catholic wife builds the foundation along with her husband for a healthy home and maintains a peaceful and faith-building environment, then living at home with her parents until marriage will not help her. She needs to learn her own strength if she will one day take on the role of a wife and mother. It’s the most difficult job in the world (besides that of a priest IMO). She’ll need all the life skills she can get.

And what would she do if, heaven forbid, she became a widow?

Read the stories of St. Agatha and St. Clare, and then tell me how a good Catholic woman should live her life.
 
johndoe100 said:
Mely2020

Let’s face it, building a relationship takes time. A man isn’t going to marry you until you are able surrender yourself over to him. If you have a career or other obstacles that stand in the way of you being a good wife and a totally devoted mother of your children, think about removing obstacles first.
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Careers aren’t obstacles.

The only thing standing in the way of someone being a good spouse/parent is themselves.

Women surrender themselves to men in trashy bodice rippers and Victoria period dramas, not in the real world.
OP: If you ever start dating a man who expresses thoughts like this, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Seriously. You’ll save yourself in boatload of heartache in the long run. And whatever you do, if you work, DO NOT quit your job to satisfy the fragile ego of a man who’s never stepped out of the world of male privilege.
 
mely2020 said:
In what way do men spot and run away when I listen to older women advice?:confused:
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Mely,

Women go through quite a few dramatic changes during their lifetimes, so you must be careful not to present yourself as a wised-up middle aged woman. That will scare away nice young men faster than anything. Try to act as gullible as possible when trying to hook the guy you want. Listen to him and never correct him, or boss him around either. Look to him for leadership and protection. Depend on him. Never present yourself as a modern woman who operates independently.
 
Mely,

Some friendly advice from someone who met his wonderful wife on Catholic Match:
  1. Search for only 7 out of 7. Lukewarm Catholics were not an option for me. This will allow you to eliminate the pretenders.
  2. Pray a Novena to St. Raphael … He helped Tobias a bit in the Old Testament!! We both prayed the novena at the same time before meeting on Catholic Match. Our marriage is handiwork of our Lord!
  3. Pray for a husband through the intercession of St. Marguerite of Quebec, patron Saint of match-makers
  4. Pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament as often as possible for your vocation.
  5. Pray for your future spouse every day. I know of a girl who has been praying for her future husband since age 10. She is now 26! What a holy man he will be.
I found Catholic Match to be very helpful. My wife wrote me an e-mail very early that was pretty direct saying that if I am untruthful in any way, she was the wrong girl to mess with. I am so happy she did this. I needed to know the same from her.

I hope this helps, and feel free to PM me if you have any other questions about Catholic Match or online dating in general. God definitely can work miracles on these sites if you believe one is possible!

In Christ,

JD
 
johndoe100 said:
Mely,

Women go through quite a few dramatic changes during their lifetimes, so you must be careful not to present yourself as a wised-up middle aged woman. That will scare away nice young men faster than anything. Try to act as gullible as possible when trying to hook the guy you want. Listen to him and never correct him, or boss him around either. Look to him for leadership and protection. Depend on him. Never present yourself as a modern woman who operates independently.
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I see, but at the same time I don’t want to look needy or clingy.
 
johndoe100 said:
Try to act as gullible as possible when trying to hook the guy you want. Listen to him and never correct him, or boss him around either. Look to him for leadership and protection. Depend on him. Never present yourself as a modern woman who operates independently.
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I’d love to assume you’re joking, but based on other posts it doesn’t seem to be the case. :eek:

Scary.

mely2020, please disregard this absurd advice! Some people like to try to bundle up such male chauvinistic views with Catholicism, but they do not go together. There are many Catholic men (myself included) who value women for their intellects, their careers, and their capacity to live independently prior to marriage. As others have noted, a woman who can do such things will deal better with the demands of motherhood than one who sits at home with mum and dad waiting for Prince Charming to rescue her. And a woman who has a career prior to motherhood can help provide a financial foundation for her future family.

Good luck in finding the right man for you.
 
Mely2020, as a fellow women in her late 20’s frustrated with online dating, I urge you not to follow the advice of johndoe100. Before converting to the Faith I was very secular and tried many of the same things he is suggesting and it will do you NO GOOD what so ever. All that will happen is you will end up being taken advantage of. I urge you to just be yourself and follow what God wants you to do.

Peace
 
johndoe100 said:
Mely,

Women go through quite a few dramatic changes during their lifetimes, so you must be careful not to present yourself as a wised-up middle aged woman. That will scare away nice young men faster than anything. Try to act as gullible as possible when trying to hook the guy you want. Listen to him and never correct him, or boss him around either. Look to him for leadership and protection. Depend on him. Never present yourself as a modern woman who operates independently.
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This has GOT to be a joke! You are kidding, right??? :eek:
 
mely2020 said:
I see, but at the same time I don’t want to look needy or clingy.
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My wife tells me, “I need you” all the time. In fact before we were married she told me" I don’t care what you do, just marry me". “I need you”.

When we pray one to the other, we face one another and hold hands while we impart a Spiritual Blessing one to the other. We did that before marriage, while we received the Sacrament, and we still pray that way everyday. God will bless you if you pray one to the other. We also confess our sins one to the
other. See (James Chapter 5)
 
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