Frustration in being continuously told "its just a date"

  • Thread starter Thread starter NappingDragon
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Like by flirting, maybe very casual, very light physical touches, maintaining eye contact a little longer. Stuff like that.

Then if she reciprocates, ask. If she doesn’t, don’t.

The other problem might be that you are asking girls out who are in your group of friends. Do other members of the group go out on dates with each other? If not, then start asking girls from outside your group of friends (girls you are friends with from other situations).

Ask girls to go out with a group, like double dating. “Hey, my friend and his girlfriend are going to this movie. Want to join us?”
 
Well that’s just not ok, though. We’re told to be clear and intentional and then when other people aren’t, we just have to suck it up? How is that ok?
 
To be completely honest, I have the same thought process as you on that particular subject, but if I had to give a reason why, I’d say that it’s because there’s someone else who’s already caught her eye, so she’s not interested in paying attention to other guys besides him right now.
 
Yes, they pretty much all only date within the group (though the group is hundreds of people large). In every way I can see, I’m doing exactly what every other guy is doing. I’m just getting a different reaction from the women and I can’t figure out why.
 
What is the number of women? How long do you know them beofore you ask them? How do you ask them? What are you asking them to do?

Here’s my go to.
  1. See Catholic woman.
  2. Aquire information through conversation about her holiness(THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT OBVS)
  3. Spend perhaps 2+ hours in total with said woman, in a total of maybe 2,3,4 individual circumstances.
  4. Discern whether to ask on a date.
  5. If possible get a moment alone and say something like “‘Hey, I think you’re really joyful and a good virtuous woman’. ‘What are you doing next Thursday?’ ‘Would you grab coffee/lunch/Dinner with me on a lowkey simple date’”
  6. She says yes or no.
  7. If yes, keep it simple maybe a couple of hours. If No, then move on, but also don’t ignore the person.
  8. If the date goes well in your eyes Wait a day or two to reflect and pray. Ask God if this woman is really going to help you get to heaven and then call her up(no texts) and tell her as honestly as you can be, howe you feel. Im assuming if you get to here youre G.
  9. (optional; where I’m at rn) Contemplate your vocation, worry about the preisthood. Panic about your salvation.
I find that an honest comparison is a good way to first look at a problem critically.

So many variables here, however. I’ll be frank in order to help you try figure this one out.

Big one right here is that youre asking women who are “out of your league” so to say. I dont know if this is true. But Its a general assumption for many, many men. Its a lot of the time born out of pride and lust. I used to always say " I could do better" The I could do better mentality is harmful to you and to the identity of other women. BUT perhaps this is not the case.

You could be a weird personality. I’ve come across many people who are just kind of quirky and weird. Some awkward poeple are self awar of this. I’m freinds with some poeple who say “I’ll never be a people person because people think i’m weird.” If this could be the case, spend more time letting people know who exactly you are. You seem atleast a little self aware in your post though.

Maybe you are or arent ‘ugly’ this shouldnt matter to women too much. If it does, well lits probably not favourable to the Lord lets just say.

Maybe you’re too full on, Maybe you smell really bad.

Do you workout and lift weights? Do you shower often and have good dental care. Its actually very rare among Catholics to find those who are truly disinterested in the material and physical I’m afraid.
Tips:
  1. Be physically attractive(get swole): There is a biological aspect to marriage and attraction. We’re not purely spiritual beings. But be mindful of the flesh and how weak it is. Also smell nice and groom.
  2. Grow a beard
  3. Do manly things (carpentry, hunting, cars etc)
  4. Be direct, sincere and uncharteristcally honest and open.
  5. Dont be clingy
  6. Ask women who are mature, but also a little bit younger than you.
In final. You’re looking inwards, which is good. But perhaps you’re looking in the wrong place totally. I dunno. Also dunno if this post is of any help, but I think it would be somewhat helpful to me.

Edit: Muh english iz gud
 
Last edited:
I think the issue with a date is it implies romantic intentions. If nothing happens, or she feels not as into you as she perceives you to be into her, it’s very difficult to go back and act like nothing happened. Some women may have drifted apart from you because they thought you wanted something they didn’t, or maybe that thought by staying friends they were giving you mixed messages.

I am sorry you’re so frustrated though, and being stood up is just rude.
 
This past semester, there was a girl who kept showing up to daily mass everyday at my college, and she also showed up to weekly Adoration and different religious events. At daily mass she would always sit next to me and smile.

So after about 2 months of this I started to say hi to her and talk to her briefly before mass. I first started talking to her by inviting her to the pro-life club on campus I run (also was my way to see if she was pro-life haha). She said she is very pro-life and would love to come and I also invited her to the group Rosary I run and she said she would love to come. She also started to intentionally run into me around campus and smile and say hi briefly. She is also very religious in general and reads her Bible in the chapel a lot. So I was getting really happy about this, thinking maybe she was perfect for me haha.

Long story short, she didn’t come to the pro-life club meeting despite me seeing her 15 minutes after the meeting ended at Adoration. She then didn’t come to the rosary and later told me she forgot. Another time I sent her a message reminding her of the rosary and she said she would come. An hour later she didn’t. She was single through all this btw and mentioned in numerous Bible study meetings that she was looking for “her future husband”. So I was quite hopeful. To cut to the chase, after all these interactions and everything positive with her and our similar interests and activities, she started dating a guy back from her high school.

I was very bummed about this and stopped talking to my friends for a few days because I just wanted quiet, I was sad and felt lonely once again. Guess I over-analyzed her interactions with me… meh 😔
 
Last edited:
NappingDragon said:
And if its “just a date”, why in the world would people be concerned about a change in the relationship? If the date goes well, you just upgraded your relationship and both people are happy. If it doesn’t, since it was just a date, you should be able to go right back to the relationship you had before.
Click to expand...
From what Ive heard, it can be awkward to go back to being friends with someone after a date. The girl might like you as a friend, just not be romantically attracted to you. Also, like what Lara said, girls have a more serious view on dating and are not going to waste time going out with someone they are not interested in.

Anyway, sorry if that sounded harsh. God has a plan for you and you probably just haven’t met the right girl yet!

Keep trying your best and pray-here’s a link for Saints you can pray to for dating and relationships Pray to These 8 Catholic Saints for Love Help in Dating & Marriage
 
Last edited:
This is boggling my mind. No offense to Lara or you, but how is that good advise? If its “just a date”, why in the world would she jump to the finish line in her mind like that? If its just a date, that’s a terrible thing to do and a terrible pressure to put on a guy so soon.

This illustrates what’s been frustrating me. Men are being taught that going on one date is not a big deal and they shouldn’t make a big deal about it and shouldn’t be worried about there being a problem and women are, at least based on the posts here, being taught something completely different. And that’s a problem. That’s not ok. I don’t know anyone who’s struggled as much as me with dating, but I do know other guys who are frustrated with this obvious double standard. How is it ok for Catholic men to be taught that its no big deal and women to continue to respond like it is? That’s so confusing and unfair.
 
I think you are adding confusion where there is no confusion. Women aren’t being “taught” anything. A woman who is ready for a relationship has in her mind a picture of what the future guy will be like. You don’t match that picture. So you thank your lucky stars she’s not playing head games with you, she’s not wasting your time.

You keep working like a dog, saving for a house, going to Mass to see God, being yourself, improving in your ability to sacrifice for others. You keep asking women until one day, one says yes. If it takes five hundred “asks,” so be it. Don’t give a thought to rejection; it is not your problem some woman has another guy in mind.

Plus speaking from experience, she hasn’t a hope in heck of changing you and you don’t want to change, so the fit has to be right from the word go.
 
Last edited:
GospelOfMatthew said:
Guess I over-analyzed her interactions with me
Click to expand...
It kind of sounded like she might have been interested in you? Anyway, you’re only 20 so you’ve got plenty of time! It’s better to meet the right person later on than the wrong one when you’re really young. My brother is your age and he hasn’t dated anyone yet (to my knowledge!) Anyway, I’m only 14, so I don’t really know a lot about this stuff …
 
NappingDragon said:
Well that’s just not ok, though. We’re told to be clear and intentional and then when other people aren’t, we just have to suck it up? How is that ok?
Click to expand...
It is not ok…it puts men at a major disadvantage. It is not fun. It is a conspiracy (I say this being 60% serious, 20% kidding, and 20% snarky).

Sometimes it means that you don’t put yourself in certain situations and waste your time where you will be rejected, or where woman can carefully look you and other men over and take their pick.

It also means walking away from certain woman who give mixed signals.

Also, remember the kind woman who don’t play games. These are the keepers.
 
Last edited:
Are you a very serious person, even “intense”?

This can be off-putting to women, even if a man is attractive in other ways. I know - because that was me until I was about 25! I could see that women were sometimes interested in me until they got to know me a little, and then lost interest.

I would marry at 25 (unhappily) but only much later discover what had been “wrong” with me all along.

I was much too serious about life and my conversations were all “serious”. I remember one woman I asked out bluntly telling me that I was “very intense”.

I even tried to be “funny” as I could see this was attractive to women, but I wasn’t aware that I was trying too hard.

And this was my real problem:

I had been raised by a widowed mum who was herself very intense. I just thought that the “normal” way to have a conversation was to tell people my ideas and talk about “interesting” things, such as politics and my work (in detail), but personal trivia was not fit for an intelligent conversation. I also had suffered trauma (the death of my father) which made me awkward in public. Unfortunately, people have no sympathy for “underdogs” who are carrying invisible burdens.

When you look at dating profiles of women they regularly mention “Good sense of humour” as a desired attribute. What that actually means is someone who doesn’t take themselves or life too seriously. Someone who can laugh at themselves. It helps if you have a quick wit which can entertain others but that’s not the point.

If this fits, then my advice would be to “lighten up”, bit by bit. Learn (as I did) to have light conversations which skirt around issues, and gradually reveal yourself to people.
 
Last edited:
She seemed very interested and I was very interested in her because of her faith, personality, interests, and physical attraction. But after all that she started dated someone from her HS which felt like someone punched me right in the stomach. Like I said, I was very sad about this
 
My advice is don’t change at all. Not one little bit. People are always trying to get other people to change and it’s a waste of time. I haven’t changed one iota since I was about six.

As people age, they become “more so.” More of what they are. A crank gets crankier. Somebody will one day look at you and know it was meant to be.
 
NappingDragon said:
This is boggling my mind. No offense to Lara or you, but how is that good advise? If its “just a date”, why in the world would she jump to the finish line in her mind like that? If its just a date, that’s a terrible thing to do and a terrible pressure to put on a guy so soon.
Click to expand...
I agree. To jump to the finish line and put that pressure on a man is not fair. My suggestion is to find other ways to interact with woman.

Lara said a woman will know within 5 minutes whether they will date you and they are immediately thinking “Could this be my husband?” She is right.

Part of being a Catholic is being humble…not dishonest…but humble. Don’t give them enough information in the first 5 minutes to let them know if you are husband material. For example, direct questions about your profession are not appropriate in most settings. Questions about you finances almost never are. Certainly don’t volunteer this information.
 
I wonder if you’re giving off something subconscious? It may be body language or the way you talk about something, or something less obvious.

My advice would be to get a couple of male friends you trust to observe watching you speak to a woman you want to ask out. They may pick up on something that you’ve not realised.

Another piece of advice (and I know this is very easy for me to say) is try not to become jaded. Woman can pick up on that and it puts them off. To give you an example, I knew a guy who never had anything positive to say about any woman, whether that was his mother, his ex girlfriend or his boss. It was pretty noticable to me as a woman, although I don’t think he ever realised. I wouldn’t have wanted to date someone who had negative opinions of seemingly every woman he’d come into contact with. I don’t mean to imply you’re doing this, but perhaps your frustration is showing and putting women off.
 
NappingDragon said:
But why should that matter? “Its just a date” is the mantra I keep getting fed. If its really just two people getting to know each other, why in the world would already being friends/acquaintances be a deterrent?
Click to expand...
Because if someone already views you as a friend with no romantic interest, then unless they start to develop an interest in you that is all you will be to them. Having a friend ask you out on a date could, I think, make them feel uncomfortable.

Women, I think, are unlikely to go out with you unless they already fancy you romantically. You need to read the signs before asking her out (and even if you have correctly read the signs she might turn you down). Women are complicated creatures, I think, you need to do the groundwork and test the water before asking her out. As someone said earlier, it is never ‘just a date’ as far a women are concerned, I think.
 
Last edited:
An interest they might develop by trying going on a date.

But ultimately, my frustration is with constantly being told that I, as a man, need to treat it like its “just a date”, don’t be worried, and just ask, because its no big deal, whilst women are not simultaneously having the same idea drilled into their heads. It feels almost like people are intentionally trying to lead me into a trap.

Why is the idea that its no big deal being so widely and adamantly spread to young adult men when the same is not also being taught to young adult women?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top