Frustrations with friendships and staying single

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I suspect that DL is pretty enough that her behavior is almost irrelevant. She may be blind to the effect that she has on her male friends–an effect that their girlfriends might be uncomfortably aware of.

I see what you are trying to say But it is not necessary a good assumption to make.

“Don’t worry honey, he/she is ugly” Is hardly a real consolation to an extramarital intimate relationship. I know many guys who cheated with less than attractive women and vice versa.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I see what you are trying to say But it is not necessary a good assumption to make.

“Don’t worry honey, he/she is ugly” Is hardly a real consolation to an extramarital intimate relationship. I know many guys who cheated with less than attractive women and vice versa.

Not only can appearances go any way, so can jealousy. In my romantic life I’ve been jealous of girls far uglier than me, and not the least bit concerned about girls far prettier than me. Looks don’t play nearly as much of a role overall dynamic does-and the kind of friendships that DL is talking about do not have a dynamic that is conducive to a healthy marriage to someone else.

 

[Xantippe]

I see what you are trying to say But it is not necessary a good assumption to make.

“Don’t worry honey, he/she is ugly” Is hardly a real consolation to an extramarital intimate relationship. I know many guys who cheated with less than attractive women and vice versa.

DL has mentioned having a lot of trouble with street and bus harassment, so I’m assuming she’s well above average in terms of looks.

A lot of men are automatically way nicer to pretty women in an obvious way, so it could make the girlfriends’ ears prick up if they suddenly noticed their boyfriends being extra nice to DL.

This wouldn’t be obvious to DL, because she’s never around when she’s not there, so she can’t tell if she’s getting special treatment from these guys.

 

[PrayerShark]

BlueEyedLady:

Those words imply a lot of things. Those words are used to describe friends who confide in each other, sacrifice for each other, and are involved in many aspects of each other’s lives. Let me make this very clear: No woman is going to use my husband as her trusted confidant. Period. At all. Ever. End of story. The idea of another woman sitting down for a heart to heart with my husband talking about her personal problems and confiding her secrets in him makes me as angry as the idea of another woman kissing him. The idea of him reciprocating-confiding in her and turning to her in times of need, makes me as angry as the idea of him sleeping with another woman.

What about another dude? Or even his mother, sister, aunt, etc.?

 

[DarkLight]

BlueEyedLady:

I think what it really comes down to is wanting someone you can trust and confide in. If your path is to be single, and if it seems no one else around follows that path, where do you go? What do you do when you need a shoulder to cry on and someone, anyone, you can confide in, but it seems in every case you’ve been tossed aside because you weren’t the one they married? I understand the idea of the sanctity of marriage, but…at the end of the day it leaves someone like me feeling like dirt because I’m not married. Or worse, feeling like I have to marry and provide an intimacy that would be repulsive to me to get the intimacy I truly need. No matter how things “should” be, having your closest bonds in the world broken over and over is intensely painful. And it seems that there’s no safe relationships, men or women, to be had.

What I want really is to be able to enter into something akin to a sibling relationship. Unfortunately given my interests and circles almost all of the people I meet are men. I think it’s hard for people who aren’t committed to being single to appreciate just how hard the burden can be. We talk often of chastity for people with SSA, but this is the truth of what people ask - how do you fulfill the emotional needs that come with being human when you don’t have the path of marriage open to you?

Xantippe:

I suspect the harassment is more an area/lifestyle thing than anything else. I’ve had similar levels reported from other women who walk or run in public, and who take public transit on a daily basis. So it seems more that my lifestyle puts me in a position to be more exposed to such things than that it’s unusually high.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

What I want really is to be able to enter into something akin to a sibling relationship. Unfortunately given my interests and circles almost all of the people I meet are men. I think it’s hard for people who aren’t committed to being single to appreciate just how hard the burden can be. We talk often of chastity for people with SSA, but this is the truth of what people ask - how do you fulfill the emotional needs that come with being human when you don’t have the path of marriage open to you?

You might consider being part of an order. There is tons of community life and support in most sisterhoods.

At any rate, your needs are valid. Pray into them, and see what happens.

 

[DarkLight]

You might consider being part of an order. There is tons of community life and support in most sisterhoods.

At any rate, your needs are valid. Pray into them, and see what happens.

I was under the impression that orders were closed to those with SSA?

 

[PaulGH]

I was under the impression that orders were closed to those with SSA?

That’s something that I hadn’t really thought about. But if that is true for some religious orders, I doubt that it is true for all. I would think that SSA would not be an obstacle for every religious order.

If you think that you might have a call to the religious life, it would probably be worthwhile to investigate several different religious orders. There are many different orders and communities, and even if it turns out that 99% of them are wrong for you, you only have to find that one that is the right fit.

 

[Xantippe]

I was under the impression that orders were closed to those with SSA?

It’s worth investigating. A moderate degree of SSA is so common in women (even women who are much more enthusiastic about men) that I think it would be impractical to bar the door.

Also, even if there were bans on women with SSA, there might still be organizations open to you that are “friends of.”

Good luck!

 

[maryjk]

BlueEyedLady:

I think what it really comes down to is wanting someone you can trust and confide in. If your path is to be single, and if it seems no one else around follows that path, where do you go? What do you do when you need a shoulder to cry on and someone, anyone, you can confide in, but it seems in every case you’ve been tossed aside because you weren’t the one they married? **I understand the idea of the sanctity of marriage, but…at the end of the day it leaves someone like me feeling like dirt because I’m not married. ** Or worse, feeling like I have to marry and provide an intimacy that would be repulsive to me to get the intimacy I truly need. No matter how things “should” be, having your closest bonds in the world broken over and over is intensely painful. And it seems that there’s no safe relationships, men or women, to be had.

Here on earth, the most important relationship I have with another human being, is with my husband. He is my confidant. He knows my hopes and my dreams. He knows my fears and misgivings. He is the one person I trust with everything. No one else in the world knows me like he does. And I am that person for him.

You say that you understand the sanctity of marriage, but if you did, you wouldn’t ask me to share my husband in that way.

What it comes down to, is, finding that person with whom you can make a bond. Do you have brothers or sisters? Are you part of any group, outside of school? Have you looked into a group called Courage? I would imagine that you would find many people there in the same boat, so to speak.

 

[Xantippe]

Here on earth, the most important relationship I have with another human being, is with my husband. He is my confidant. He knows my hopes and my dreams. He knows my fears and misgivings. He is the one person I trust with everything. No one else in the world knows me like he does. And I am that person for him.

You say that you understand the sanctity of marriage, but if you did, you wouldn’t ask me to share my husband in that way.

What it comes down to, is, finding that person with whom you can make a bond. Do you have brothers or sisters? Are you part of any group, outside of school? Have you looked into a group called Courage? I would imagine that you would find many people there in the same boat, so to speak.

We once had a group of people (largely from Courage) at our apartment in DC for pizza and brownies after a talk on same sex attraction–they were awfully nice.

In a bigger city, you’d have much better resources.

 

[DarkLight]

Here on earth, the most important relationship I have with another human being, is with my husband. He is my confidant. He knows my hopes and my dreams. He knows my fears and misgivings. He is the one person I trust with everything. No one else in the world knows me like he does. And I am that person for him.

You say that you understand the sanctity of marriage, but if you did, you wouldn’t ask me to share my husband in that way.

What it comes down to, is, finding that person with whom you can make a bond. Do you have brothers or sisters? Are you part of any group, outside of school? Have you looked into a group called Courage? I would imagine that you would find many people there in the same boat, so to speak.

No siblings and no real relationship with any of my family, unfortunately.

So I’d ask again - if everyone you know around you is married or looking to be married, where do you go to find that sort of bond? Who would be the person you would confide in? It cannot be a man. It cannot be a woman because no man wants his wife to be close friends with a woman with SSA. And unless you’re in a very large city (something I haven’t been and can’t guarantee) there’s a good chance you’ll never meet anyone else you connect with that isn’t married or looking to marry.

 

[maryjk]

No siblings and no real relationship with any of my family, unfortunately.

So I’d ask again - if everyone you know around you is married or looking to be married, where do you go to find that sort of bond? Who would be the person you would confide in? It cannot be a man. It cannot be a woman because no man wants his wife to be close friends with a woman with SSA. And unless you’re in a very large city (something I haven’t been and can’t guarantee) there’s a good chance you’ll never meet anyone else you connect with that isn’t married or looking to marry.

What it comes down to, is, finding that person with whom you can make a bond. Do you have brothers or sisters? Are you part of any group, outside of school? Have you looked into a group called Courage? I would imagine that you would find many people there in the same boat, so to speak.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

It cannot be a woman because no man wants his wife to be close friends with a woman with SSA.

Really? I would love my wife to a close friend with a woman with SSA.

I trust my wife to draw lines, if lines need to be drawn.

It’s not your duty to draw lines for other people. You can make friends, and try to deepen the friendship. There’s nothing wrong with that. You need to understand if people want to draw a line – but you don’t have to stand far off, just in case they might draw a line. Just follow your conscience; don’t assume you know what other people feel is appropriate.

And as for joining an order, there are certainly orders that welcome women with SSA. I just was at the Courage conference, and my wife and I met a number of the Sisters for Life. They were engaged enough in the issue of homosexuality to attend Courage, so I’m guessing they would be able to point you in a helpful direction.

sistersoflife.org/

 

[PrayerShark]

"DarkLight:

It cannot be a woman because no man wants his wife to be close friends with a woman with SSA.

Really? I would love my wife to a close friend with a woman with SSA.

I trust my wife to draw lines, if lines need to be drawn.

Ditto. My wife’s closest friend is a lesbian and I think she would be very upset if she wasn’t in her life.

No problem at all with me.

 

[DarkLight]

Ditto. My wife’s closest friend is a lesbian and I think she would be very upset if she wasn’t in her life.

No problem at all with me.

This has not been my experience. Honestly I know people who wouldn’t even want someone like me around their female children.

 

[PrayerShark]

DarkLight:

This has not been my experience. Honestly I know people who wouldn’t even want someone like me around their female children.

Well those are ignorant, bigoted and hateful people who you shouldn’t bother spending your time with. It disgusts and saddens me that there are people who treat you this way.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What about another dude? Or even his mother, sister, aunt, etc.?

That’s exactly my point, all of those relationships change too. When someone marries, their relationship with their same sex friends and their family of origin become very different. They are around less, their spouse is usually around when they are, they can’t make plans or decisions without talking to their spouse, and their spouse’s wants and needs become the top priority.

This change is notoriously hard for moms, but in my family, it was one of my husband’s brothers that had the hardest time with it.

If all of these non threatening relationships change to accommodate a marriage, it would make sense that a “deep” or “intimate” friendship with an unrelated member of the opposite sex would as well.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s exactly my point, all of those relationships change too. When someone marries, their relationship with their same sex friends and their family of origin become very different. They are around less, their spouse is usually around when they are, they can’t make plans or decisions without talking to their spouse, and their spouse’s wants and needs become the top priority.

This change is notoriously hard for moms, but in my family, it was one of my husband’s brothers that had the hardest time with it.

If all of these non threatening relationships change to accommodate a marriage, it would make sense that a “deep” or “intimate” friendship with an unrelated member of the opposite sex would as well.

Yes.

 

[Aaahm28]

I am frustrated by the fact that there is so little support for children and adults who are same sex attracted. It bothers me greatly that there is no research and study into why people become SSA and how to help them. It’s just not good that there are only a few places where there is therapy.

When God created this world and placed people on it, it was his intent that people found themselves caring for one another, being in love and supporting one another. This dog eat dog world frustrates me.