Full-Time Motherhood? How Selfish

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MooCowSteph:
I’m with you. I was never that confused. And some people just don’t change…she is brainwashed enough it’s going to take more than the birth of a child to make her realize the importance of the traditional family. Some just never get it.
Well some people do mature over time and change their mind. I’m kind of getting tired of the attitudes on here like “oh well when i was her age i already had it all together.” :rolleyes: not all of us were so perfect, so maybe cut the rest of us some slack. As I said in a previous post, I shudder to think of being judged by my beliefs as a teen.
 
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Fitz:
I actually can’t take the 20 yr. old that has never held her own baby seriously. I want to, but her life experience handicaps her. She will actually laugh at her foolish notions some day. Or, maybe she will take after Maureen Dowd of the New York Times. Whatever happens, she will change and grow and learn.

At 22 I held my first job out of college. I had a degree in Early Childhood and I landed a job at a day care center. I was the early person and the late person (split shift). I earned poor pay, but I learned a very valuable lesson.

I held those 3yr. olds as they cried after their moms that left them. I calmed down those little ones that were so angry at their parents that they would kick, bite, or scratch them when they returned to pick them up. I also viewed divorced parents that would drop their child off on Friday with a suitcase, and then the other parent would pick them up for the weekend. I was working one such Friday, when no one came to pick up a little girl. She was scared, tired, and hungry. I was the only adult there. I called my boss who then spent the next two hours on the phone trying to locate a family member to pick up the child. I found some mac and cheese and made her dinner and tried to act like we were having fun waiting. She was so scared. Even all that did not convice me that I would be the one that would raise my own kids. It was when some of the kids would call me mom and sit on my lap to be read to at nap time. As I put them on their cots, I knew I never wanted that confusion for my own.

I was fortunate to have a husband that earned enough for us to ge by when my kids were young. I also sacrificed. I didn’t buy a colored TV until my oldest was about 7yrs. old. I waited a few more years before buying a VCR. We had one car, and I walked to the grocery store when my husband was at work, and I took all the kids with me. I could go on, and on, but you get the point.

This young lady will surprise herself when a helpless young baby that is her flesh and blood is crying in her arms and will only find comfort with her. She will learn. Of that, I am sure.

One other point. I have had a very long career of teaching since my children grew up. If you start back to work after your kids are all in school, you can still squeeze in 25 yrs of teaching or nursing or whatever you choose. Will you be a CEO of a large company, probably not. But you will use whatever degree you earned before marriage.
Thank you for sharing your story! I see about 10 lessons alone in there. We need more Mothers like you 🙂

Except I don’t share your optimism about the young lady surprising herself when she holds here baby. I’ve seen too many examples of those that look at the newborn as more of an anchor. 😦

On the other hand, I think in general we are begining to turn things around. The more we can expose the nonsense that this author sprews, the better our chances.
 
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Steph700:
Well some people do mature over time and change their mind. I’m kind of getting tired of the attitudes on here like “oh well when i was her age i already had it all together.” :rolleyes: not all of us were so perfect, so maybe cut the rest of us some slack. As I said in a previous post, I shudder to think of being judged by my beliefs as a teen.
Yes, I suppose I shouldn’t generalize. I guess I’m just cynical.
 
Hmmmm… What an absurd article! I am 22, and since I was younger I scoffed at acquaintances who wanted to marry rich, as well as those who scorned the gender roles completely. Why should anyone adhere completely to some abstract idea of what they *think *their lives might be when they are married. At any rate, at 20, she could have some realistic idea of life as a married woman, career, SAHM, or even as a single woman. It;s really hard to believe that anyone could actually agree with what she wrote!
 
Quaere Verum:
Sacrificial love is never selfish.

There are many ways in which we parents sacrifice for our children. Some times a parent must work in order to maintain the family even though they would rather be spending more time with their children. That is sacrificial. And a stay at home Mom who is dedicated to the upbringing of her family is always a noble choice and is rarely ever selfish.
I think it depends upon the finances of the family, actually. One could make the case that the SAHM has it easy because her lifestyle is financially supported by the husband, at least she has it a lot easier than the woman who has a family and also works.
So, I do think that it’s sometimes a very selfish choice if the children are of school age.
So often, the father of the family dies first and I wonder if that’s a result of his being overburdened by having to provide for not only his children, but also for his able-bodied wife who maybe SHOULD be helping him out.
If the mother has a made a noble choice then her husband has made a saintly choice because the full financial burden falls to him. It’s self evident as to who has the easier deal here!
 
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CatholicSam:
When she is 90 and laying in a nursing home bed, I hope her career and degree come to visit her and rub lotion on her wrinkly feet, since with that attitude she probably won’t have kids to do that job (or at least not ones who will want to put aside THEIR careers to spend time with her!)

But the good news is that what she wrote is true–more women ARE waking up to realize that a paycheck and a job title are nowhere near as fulfilling as giving all you have to your family. Yeah, it might be nice now to have some extra cash, a big house, etc., but think about where they will be a few decades down the road! Where will they be after retirement? Alone with thoughts of regret about how they didn’t spend time with their kids or even regretting not having more kids. I don’t think SAHMs lay on their deathbeds regretting giving up a career.
I don’t think that having children to ensure that you have good care when you’re old is a good enough reason, I think that would be very selfish!!!

Plenty of the old folks stored in nursing homes have children who don’t want them around, anyway, so I doubt that having children will guarantee anyone company in their old age or on their death bed. In fact, the case could be made that with the proper investments a woman could provide for her own needs without pushing that burden onto her children. Then, when they visited you would know that it was out of love and not duty.
Rose Kennedy deeply regretted not furthering her own education, but she produced daughters who did. Joe Kennedy gave his kids a million dollars up front to guarantee that the kids weren’t hanging around for money, just for love. It worked!
Once the kids reach age seven it’s probably healthier for women to get some kind of work. It’s easier to stay home and clean and cook, but it’s not likely to meet her responsibility to develop her talents.
 
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luvthelight:
ive already told my mom that i can’t wait to start a family when i get married, and that she should be excited b/c she will be getting a lot of grandchildren. im also trying to find a suitable field to major in next year when i start college so if there are financial difficulties, i can work in the afternoons when the kids are at school. i want to be sure that i am the one raising my kids.
So prudent and truly a mark of a mature woman. Your mother should be proud. 👍
 
Wondering Waif:
I don’t think that having children to ensure that you have good care when you’re old is a good enough reason, I think that would be very selfish!!!

Then I guess women in third world nations are selfish. :rolleyes: Historically in most parts of the world women have numerous children in order to ensure their own survival. That is primarily due to high child mortality rates, but most of these cultures also place a high value on family.

Plenty of the old folks stored in nursing homes have children who don’t want them around, anyway, so I doubt that having children will guarantee anyone company in their old age or on their death bed. In fact, the case could be made that with the proper investments a woman could provide for her own needs without pushing that burden onto her children.

Human beings are not burdens, and Our Lord requires us to take care of one another out of love for Him and each other. Your logic, taken further, is IMHO leading society to believe life is expendible and valued only by what is “useful”.

Once the kids reach age seven it’s probably healthier for women to get some kind of work. It’s easier to stay home and clean and cook, but it’s not likely to meet her responsibility to develop her talents.

I think the greater responsibility is to develop virtue 😉 . Stay at home moms have many more ample opportunities to tend to those responsibilities. A virtuous society is a benefit to us all.
 
I do agree with one point in article, and that is that wealthy women have an easier choice about being a stay-at-home mom. I am not wealthy, but my husband definitely makes more than the average. I am very thankful that I could stay-at-home and have a cleaning lady once a week. I still worked hard volunteering at preschool, school, cooking, driving to activities, picking-up all the stuff, mopping the floor daily, etc.

My husband is relieved that I wanted to stay home with the kids. Unfortunately, not everybody does have the choice.

I also hated the thought of sending my child off to somebody else to comfort. On the other hand, I know plenty of children of working mothers who are very well-adjusted and successful.
 
Wondering Waif:
Once the kids reach age seven it’s probably healthier for women to get some kind of work. It’s easier to stay home and clean and cook, but it’s not likely to meet her responsibility to develop her talents.
A mothers responsibility isn’t to her “talents” but to her children, her family. And healthy for whom? Is it healthier for children to be in daycare so mom can develop her talents? Is it healthy for mom to go out into the working world, even if she’d rather raise her children? A women who stays home with her kids is not a mindless robot who cooks, cleans, and does homework. Our talents are used at home in raising and caring for our families.
 
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MooCowSteph:
A mothers responsibility isn’t to her “talents” but to her children, her family. And healthy for whom? Is it healthier for children to be in daycare so mom can develop her talents? Is it healthy for mom to go out into the working world, even if she’d rather raise her children? A women who stays home with her kids is not a mindless robot who cooks, cleans, and does homework. Our talents are used at home in raising and caring for our families.
Healthier for her, Andrea Yates was a SAHM and look at what happened, and certainly reducing the financial burden on the husband is a good thing. I think that once children are in school women should do more with their lives, there are all kinds of labor saving devices that American women enjoy, they have automatic washing machines, dryers, vacuum cleaners, if they assign chores to their kids, which most mothers do, they even get a break there.
There’s probably a lot of SAHMs who are living lives of quiet desperation, remember, women with kids who work do everything that you do AND they bring home a paycheck.
Now, if you tell me that you care for the children of the working mom without charge, or that you do good works in your community you might persuade me, but right now, I’m really inclined to think that the working mother contributes more to the GNP AND to the nation as a whole than the SAHM.
 
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Jennifer123:
You’re totally kidding around, right?
I don’t approve of the lonely old women in nursing homes, but it’s a fact that there are there, and most of them DID stay home with their kids.
 
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MooCowSteph:
I’m with you. I was never that confused. And some people just don’t change…she is brainwashed enough it’s going to take more than the birth of a child to make her realize the importance of the traditional family. Some just never get it.
I don’t understand what she’s supposed to “get”! ALL families are important and ALL families make sense, I myself came from a single parent family, we considered ourselves just as valid as any so called “traditional” family!
While I agree that up to the age of seven it’s probably better for a child to have a stay at home PARENT, not necessarily the mother, but whatever parent does the job better (and I personally think that any woman born after the sixties who failed to prepare for a decent paying job was not brought up right) it’s silly for a
parent to desperately cling to her kids as a valid reason for failing to grow and develop!
Where would be if all women felt this way, look at the contributions made to the workforce by women!
 
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bapcathluth:
I do agree with one point in article, and that is that wealthy women have an easier choice about being a stay-at-home mom. I am not wealthy, but my husband definitely makes more than the average. I am very thankful that I could stay-at-home and have a cleaning lady once a week. I still worked hard volunteering at preschool, school, cooking, driving to activities, picking-up all the stuff, mopping the floor daily, etc.

My husband is relieved that I wanted to stay home with the kids. Unfortunately, not everybody does have the choice.

I also hated the thought of sending my child off to somebody else to comfort. On the other hand, I know plenty of children of working mothers who are very well-adjusted and successful.
Had you made the better money would you have been okay with your husband being the stay at home parent?
That is, assuming that the child is over the age where she might require the biological facets of the mother ( I’m trying to say over the age where you would breastfeed and I can’t figure out how to do it politely!)
 
Wondering Waif:
Healthier for her, Andrea Yates was a SAHM and look at what happened, and certainly reducing the financial burden on the husband is a good thing. I think that once children are in school women should do more with their lives, there are all kinds of labor saving devices that American women enjoy, they have automatic washing machines, dryers, vacuum cleaners, if they assign chores to their kids, which most mothers do, they even get a break there.
There’s probably a lot of SAHMs who are living lives of quiet desperation, remember, women with kids who work do everything that you do AND they bring home a paycheck.
Now, if you tell me that you care for the children of the working mom without charge, or that you do good works in your community you might persuade me, but right now, I’m really inclined to think that the working mother contributes more to the GNP AND to the nation as a whole than the SAHM.
We clearly have very different ideas on this topic. You can’t possibly think that Andrea Yates represents the average SAHM. She was terribly mentally ill with postpartum psychosis. If she’d had a job, I don’t think it would have mattered. Mental illness isn’t cured by a job.

Maybe it isn’t your intention, but by saying women with school-aged children should “do more with their lives”, you really put down the average SAHM. To most of them, espically the ones on these boards, they are doing what they deem the most important job of their lives - raising their children and caring for their families. Being a SAHM isn’t all about cooking and cleaning. They don’t stay home because they have too many dirty dishes or so the kids don’t have chores. They stay home because they are the best people to care for their children, and because THEY want to be the ones to do it, not babysitters, day-care centers, teachers, and other family members. Sure, there are unhappy SAHMs out there, but there are many, many who are happy. Just see these threads for some who love their job and deem it very important:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=78282&highlight=stay

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=79887&highlight=stay

As for your statement “remember, women with kids who work do everything that you do AND they bring home a paycheck”. I am a lot more to my family than a paycheck and I don’t need one to feel validated.
 
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MooCowSteph:
We clearly have very different ideas on this topic. You can’t possibly think that Andrea Yates represents the average SAHM. She was terribly mentally ill with postpartum psychosis. If she’d had a job, I don’t think it would have mattered. Mental illness isn’t cured by a job.

Maybe it isn’t your intention, but by saying women with school-aged children should “do more with their lives”, you really put down the average SAHM. To most of them, espically the ones on these boards, they are doing what they deem the most important job of their lives - raising their children and caring for their families. Being a SAHM isn’t all about cooking and cleaning. They don’t stay home because they have too many dirty dishes or so the kids don’t have chores. They stay home because they are the best people to care for their children, and because THEY want to be the ones to do it, not babysitters, day-care centers, teachers, and other family members. Sure, there are unhappy SAHMs out there, but there are many, many who are happy. Just see these threads for some who love their job and deem it very important:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=78282&highlight=stay

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=79887&highlight=stay

As for your statement “remember, women with kids who work do everything that you do AND they bring home a paycheck”. I am a lot more to my family than a paycheck and I don’t need one to feel validated.
Please keep in mind that I’m not talking about mothers of small kids, just the school aged ones.
I’m sure that the working mother is also valued by her family and that her paycheck is very helpful to her spouse, though.
I’m glad that you feel validated even though you only have one job, my point was that the working mom is doing two jobs. And I really respect her for that. It’s GOT to be a lot harder.
 
I did both, working mother and stay-at-home. As a working mother (which I did until my oldest was 10) I was a mess trying to do it all. IMHO you can not be a good employee and mother at the same time. Something has to give, and because you will be fired if you slack off on the job, the children end up the ones suffering. And about making my husband “carry the burden”, after we sold the second car, dropped the insurance for 2nd car, not paying for childcare and after school care, no convience foods, Buying and maintaining work uniforms (I was a nurse) + all the extra stuff we really did not need,and being in a higher tax bracket, we saved a lot of money. We sat down and figured it out, it was costing us for me to work:whacky:
 
Wondering Waif:
Healthier for her, Andrea Yates was a SAHM and look at what happened, and certainly reducing the financial burden on the husband is a good thing. I think that once children are in school women should do more with their lives, there are all kinds of labor saving devices that American women enjoy, they have automatic washing machines, dryers, vacuum cleaners, if they assign chores to their kids, which most mothers do, they even get a break there.
There’s probably a lot of SAHMs who are living lives of quiet desperation, remember, women with kids who work do everything that you do AND they bring home a paycheck.
Now, if you tell me that you care for the children of the working mom without charge, or that you do good works in your community you might persuade me, but right now, I’m really inclined to think that the working mother contributes more to the GNP AND to the nation as a whole than the SAHM.
Andrea Yates had mental problems unrelated to being a SAHM, so don’t go there! :rolleyes:

While some women do choose to work when their children are in school–lots of families home school. Also, adolescents and teenagers need parents present as much as babies and toddlers. Unsupervised time is THE major determining factor of kids getting into trouble.

And, btw, I don’t think my self worth is necessarily tied to whether I work or not or how much money I make. I can contribute in other ways to my community–such as volunteering…or raising children who are not social problems.

As for the working mother contributing more–really? By putting her children in daycare and working (letting someone else raise them) she’s being more productive for the GNP??? Honestly, that’s the last thing on my list of determining whether I work or not. :rolleyes:

(let me preface this with the statement that I understand that some have to work or choose to work, that’s your personal decision, not mine. I’m making general statements to this poster–and I’ve been a working parent with children in daycare)
Women who work don’t do everything a SAHM does (I’m talking about a SAHM with pre school children), because she’s not there with her children all day. Women (with preschool children) who work put children in day care and count on others to do the things a SAHM does. The paycheck they bring home goes to the daycare–I know because I’ve done that before. I, personally, think it’s questionable to put a child in daycare/preschool just so you can work.

I’m sure I have other thoughts on this, but I want to go spend some time with my children before bed!
Jennifer
 
Wondering Waif:
Healthier for her, Andrea Yates was a SAHM and look at what happened, and certainly reducing the financial burden on the husband is a good thing. I think that once children are in school women should do more with their lives, there are all kinds of labor saving devices that American women enjoy, they have automatic washing machines, dryers, vacuum cleaners, if they assign chores to their kids, which most mothers do, they even get a break there.
There’s probably a lot of SAHMs who are living lives of quiet desperation, remember, women with kids who work do everything that you do AND they bring home a paycheck.
Now, if you tell me that you care for the children of the working mom without charge, or that you do good works in your community you might persuade me, but right now, I’m really inclined to think that the working mother contributes more to the GNP AND to the nation as a whole than the SAHM.
Andrea Yates is a very sick woman, to compare her to the typical SAHM is very insulting, It’s like comparing Scott Peterson with all expectant Fathers PLEEZE!
 
Jennifer J:
Andrea Yates had mental problems unrelated to being a SAHM, so don’t go there! :rolleyes:

While some women do choose to work when their children are in school–lots of families home school. Also, adolescents and teenagers need parents present as much as babies and toddlers. Unsupervised time is THE major determining factor of kids getting into trouble.

And, btw, I don’t think my self worth is necessarily tied to whether I work or not or how much money I make. I can contribute in other ways to my community–such as volunteering…or raising children who are not social problems.

As for the working mother contributing more–really? By putting her children in daycare and working (letting someone else raise them) she’s being more productive for the GNP??? Honestly, that’s the last thing on my list of determining whether I work or not. :rolleyes:

(let me preface this with the statement that I understand that some have to work or choose to work, that’s your personal decision, not mine. I’m making general statements to this poster–and I’ve been a working parent with children in daycare)
Women who work don’t do everything a SAHM does (I’m talking about a SAHM with pre school children), because she’s not there with her children all day. Women (with preschool children) who work put children in day care and count on others to do the things a SAHM does. The paycheck they bring home goes to the daycare–I know because I’ve done that before. I, personally, think it’s questionable to put a child in daycare/preschool just so you can work.

I’m sure I have other thoughts on this, but I want to go spend some time with my children before bed!
Jennifer
I don’t think that you are worth less because you don’t have a job, I just don’t see why women who fail to get decent education and a good job are patting themselves on the back behind it.
And honestly, ANYONE can do those things you mention for your children, it done everyday!

There are intelligent women who have professional jobs and those are the women I’m thinking of here, they shouldn’t have to feel guilty about their careers just because a few untalented, disgruntled housewives are jealous of them. My own DOCTOR is a woman, and her kids are terrific. I’m not talking about the kind of work that you are talking about, just the women who are in the professions.
 
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