Unfortunately, some may be too caught up in their grief or may be in their own little world. I have seen this and don’t blame them one bit. I’ll be honest, though, when my mom and grandma died, I was too busy worrying about how things would turn out that I really did not shut down until after everything was over.
It’s true for Catholic funerals, yet at Protestant funerals I’ve experienced quite the opposite. Maybe it’s because the Protestants sing more at the best of times.
Of course in my hometown parish they don’t encourage singing at all. It’s all choir and if by some fluke you happen to know what they are singing and you dare open your mouth the locals glare at you. Of course the choir encourages that by never singing the same piece two Sundays in a row so it’s alway a new song and there are neither hymnals nor worship aids of any kind. Believe me in that parish it’s all about performance and not about worship. At Dad’s funeral the DM consented to have someone sing “Ave Maria” because it’s a show-stopper but she informed me that there would be no other Latin because “well, the Church doesn’t use Latin anymore, it’s all French. Don’t worry, we’ll pick something nice.” There wasn’t a single other thing sung that was at all familiar - including the responses and acclamations.
For weddings, don’t expect the folks in the pews to sing. It’s a mixed bag as to who is there. We’re lucky if we can get them to at least sing the Gospel Acclamation. One thing about Lenten weddings, though. At the Cathedral, we would tell them that the music must be tempered and that we would not be singing the Alleluia or anything with Alleluia in it.