Future Divorce

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I’m on the “rule it out medically” team. Not that there isn’t a whole lot of other stuff contributing, but first a good medical screening could clear the field of THOSE considerations. You don’t say how old she is but she sounds like she is of an age where changes of many kinds may happen frequently and without warning.

This can exacerbate any underlying emotional instability.
 
Belle10 said:
Sounds like your wife needs to see a doctor and/or counselor and/or priest, and the sooner the better.

I understand your hesitation at confronting her, but I think that’s the only thing that will save your marriage. Tell her you love her and want to help her get through whatever she’s going through, and if that means tough-love and insisting upon counseling/seeing a doctor/seeing a priest/all of this then that’s what you’ll do for the good of your family. Remind her that if you were having the physical/emotional/spiritual issues it appears that she’s having, you would expect her to help pull you out and back into a healthy place, healthy marriage, healthy family, and so you will do the same. (And of course, say all of this in a very loving way, not a demanding way.)
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You’re likely correct. The question is how to get the desired outcome (counseling/seeing a doctor/seeing a priest/all the above) when she won’t see our priest now.

Like I said - it’s very frustrating.
 
I don’t think that she is seriously planning on divorcing you.

You say that she is talking about doing this once the kids are out of the house and that you have one in elementary school.

People who are seriously planning divorce do it in secret, so that they can have the advantage of being able to plan it and not have interference.

What she is doing by announcing these plans is undermining your confidence, throwing you into a tail spin, making you more depressed and out of it and therefore easier to control and dominate.

What you need to do is not get sucked in by all of her emotional nonsense and mind games.

Better than seeing a lawyer right now…I recommend that you see a counselor, for yourself, alone. Individual counseling. You need to stop letting her emotionally manipulate you. You need to get your strength back and stand your ground. A counselor can help you with this more than you think.

You are the man of the house and the spiritual head of your family. Do not let her undermine your role to look out for the best interest of your whole family.
 
dulcissima said:
I don’t think that she is seriously planning on divorcing you.

You say that she is talking about doing this once the kids are out of the house and that you have one in elementary school.

People who are seriously planning divorce do it in secret, so that they can have the advantage of being able to plan it and not have interference.

What she is doing by announcing these plans is undermining your confidence, throwing you into a tail spin, making you more depressed and out of it and therefore easier to control and dominate.

What you need to do is not get sucked in by all of her emotional nonsense and mind games.

Better than seeing a lawyer right now…I recommend that you see a counselor, for yourself, alone. Individual counseling. You need to stop letting her emotionally manipulate you. You need to get your strength back and stand your ground. A counselor can help you with this more than you think.

You are the man of the house and the spiritual head of your family. Do not let her undermine your role to look out for the best interest of your whole family.
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That’s an interesting thought. I’ll ask our priest for a recommendation.

You know, I’m not the perfect husband. But I’m concerned that our grade school child is not learning the correct understanding of marriage. I want my kids to pick their mates well.
 
My wife (of 3 kids) divorced me, married another man and had a child with him…all while I’m still alive…very ouch ! For me it was and is emotionally hellish, tormenting dreams etc. Since I fear God I will remain single. Do whatever you can to stay married…
 
Henning said:
My wife (of 3 kids) divorced me, married another man and had a child with him…all while I’m still alive…very ouch ! For me it was and is emotionally hellish, tormenting dreams etc. Since I fear God I will remain single. Do whatever you can to stay married…
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Thanks

It’s critical that our children learn how to pick good mates to be sure.
 
Raleigh,
I am praying for you and your wife. I hate to hear when one person out of an apparently happy marriage wants to divorce. Does she have any concrete reasons?
Lissa
 
Hi,

I will say a hail mary for you and your wife tonight. I am finding this somewhat strange, because it seems to mirror what my dad went through. They (my parents) are now divorsed for better or for worse. The civil divorse at this point might have been necessary, but my dad has no intentions to remain single…and thanks to my mom (who has decided not to cooperate) there is little chance of an annulment.

My mother has been diagnosed bipolar since I was 7…though she had signs of it early on (as early as 2 weeks) into the marriage. My dad tells me many of the things you said…that she intended to divorce him after we’d left the house, refused marriage counseling, and anything romantic he’d try was thrown into his face. I’m not sure the right way for you to go about this, but I really wonder if she’s suffering from some kind of depression?

Also you never say if she’s given you any reasons at all for a divorce? I would imagine the Church would be on your side if she won’t give a reason or go through counseling to try and work on a marriage. It would possibly be grounds for annulment…you could talk to your priest. Although, I understand you not wanting to even consider this as a possibility at this point.

If there is depression playing a role in this, it would be good to find out as soon as possible. As a child of a bipolar parent which contributed to a lot of dysfunction to the family, I’m not sure what I think. I definitely think the divorce “helped” simply because half the time I was in a state of “normalcy”. However, being with my mom became easily 10x worse because I saw MUCH more the the disease and had to deal A LOT more with the disorder. It is hard to say if it has gotten worse, or if she’s just dumped more on me because I’m the oldest (and now mature), away at college, or because I’m female/her daughter.

I can say this much: the seperation probably was necessary. Do I agree with my dad’s choices after? No, and it makes me VERY uncomfortable…especially since he may now be leaving the Catholic church :(. It makes me very sad.

So anyways, I’m not sure if any of what I said helps, but it offers some perspective. I’m not sure she’d agree to anything but if there is some way you could mention to her doctor that she might have some kind of depression, maybe things could go from there. Sometimes this can be helped with medication.

I will pray for you!!!
 
Footprints04 said:
Hi,

I will say a hail mary for you and your wife tonight. I am finding this somewhat strange, because it seems to mirror what my dad went through. They (my parents) are now divorsed for better or for worse. The civil divorse at this point might have been necessary, but my dad has no intentions to remain single…and thanks to my mom (who has decided not to cooperate) there is little chance of an annulment.
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Thank you for the Hail Mary!
Footprints04 said:
My mother has been diagnosed bipolar since I was 7…though she had signs of it early on (as early as 2 weeks) into the marriage. My dad tells me many of the things you said…that she intended to divorce him after we’d left the house, refused marriage counseling, and anything romantic he’d try was thrown into his face. I’m not sure the right way for you to go about this, but I really wonder if she’s suffering from some kind of depression?
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It’s quite possible. After our second pregnancy there were indications. At the time she felt it was possible but was reticent about treatment. Because of statements she’s made I suspect she doesn’t want any documentation for possible legal action. My college child told her that she thinks everyone is out to get her. I got after them for disrespecting mom and didn’t tell them this but agree.
Footprints04 said:
Also you never say if she’s given you any reasons at all for a divorce? I would imagine the Church would be on your side if she won’t give a reason or go through counseling to try and work on a marriage. It would possibly be grounds for annulment…you could talk to your priest. Although, I understand you not wanting to even consider this as a possibility at this point.
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I don’t believe I’ve said she’s never given me any reasons for a divorce. She’s made many statements – randomly.

Our priest is a cannon lawyer. I will be asking him about my options should she leave. You’re correct in assuming that this is not a consideration for me at this point.

I’ve been reading Hosea lately. After that and Ephesians 5 (Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her) it is pretty clear what my role should be.

I am not a perfect husband. I’m actually probably not a very good husband if you use Hosea and Ephesians as a reference. My wife as all women do deserves a better man than me and probably most other men. The issue is that I’m the one she married and we have a duty to get each other into heaven and raise our children well.

To love your wife sacrificially is not an easy task. I am a work in progress.
Footprints04 said:
If there is depression playing a role in this, it would be good to find out as soon as possible.
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I agree.
Footprints04 said:
As a child of a bipolar parent which contributed to a lot of dysfunction to the family, I’m not sure what I think. I definitely think the divorce “helped” simply because half the time I was in a state of “normalcy”. However, being with my mom became easily 10x worse because I saw MUCH more the the disease and had to deal A LOT more with the disorder. It is hard to say if it has gotten worse, or if she’s just dumped more on me because I’m the oldest (and now mature), away at college, or because I’m female/her daughter.
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As Catholics we believe that Christ wants us to physically experience His love not only through the Eucharist but through the beauty of our existence and Christ in each member of our community. To not be able to experience Christ in others is very sad.

You had a rough time at home. Understanding your experience through the teaching of the church though has given you an opportunity to share this wisdom with me. This is a gift from Christ to you. I hope you are able to share your experience with others as well.
It is also helpful for you in choosing a spouse. I hope you include your future spouse in your prayers.
Footprints04 said:
I can say this much: the seperation probably was necessary. Do I agree with my dad’s choices after? No, and it makes me VERY uncomfortable…especially since he may now be leaving the Catholic church :(. It makes me very sad.

So anyways, I’m not sure if any of what I said helps, but it offers some perspective. I’m not sure she’d agree to anything but if there is some way you could mention to her doctor that she might have some kind of depression, maybe things could go from there. Sometimes this can be helped with medication.

I will pray for you!!!
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I don’t have answers but I’m inclined to think that separation is not necessary. We have a long way to go to be ready for heaven. Our marriages are part of that process. Sin is a difficult hurdle to overcome but all things are possible through Christ.

If it’s possible I’ll look for an opportunity to mention this to her doctor.

I’ll pray for your family as well.
 
RWMorris said:
Raleigh,
I am praying for you and your wife. I hate to hear when one person out of an apparently happy marriage wants to divorce. Does she have any concrete reasons?
Lissa
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I don’t think they’re concrete. But I’m a guy. They’re random.

I’m selfish
I walk over people

I’m sure these things are true. But to the degree that they call for emotional and physical divorce now and threatened legal divorce when the children are gone. It’s just wrong and completely contrary to our faith.
 
mercygate said:
Aside from all sacramental and spiritual considerations, fight HARD to keep the marriage together. Fight REALLY hard. And MEAN it.

The one who wants the divorce tends to fare less well in any settlement, and with the dice already loaded in favor of the woman, you need to be clear that you do not want the divorce.
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You’re right. Chesty Puller when surrounded by 8 enemy divisions said, “All right, they’re on our left, they’re on our right, they’re in front of us, they’re behind us…they can’t get away this time.”

I’ve been treating this as this esoteric, difficult to understand problem. It is basically an issue that has been brought into specific relief by my wife’s actions and statements.

I need an action plan. Thanks for putting this into a perspective that a guy can understand.
 
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