Gay Catholic asks for help.

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HeavenHelp

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Up until recently I have lived a normal everyday life, centered around college work, my night job and my Catholic faith. It was everything I wanted it to be- It was all going to plan, a structured, respectable and Catholic life. I attended Mass every week, said my prayers daily, went to confession monthly and campaigned for Catholic social issues.

However, some time ago I became friends with a guy who was gay but still practices his faith in the best way that he can, we shared many common interests and it was just one of those friendships between two guys that every man has. Yet, after some time I realized that I actually had feelings for him in a more intimate way, this came as a shock as I had never had homosexual feelings before, I resisted the feelings for some time, I even stopped seeing him but because we work together it was impossible to avoid him completely. I really struggled with these feelings and it seemed that despite how often I knelt crying my eyes out and begging God to take these feelings away my prayers were not answered. I quickly sank into depression and I took to drink as a way of dealing with my pain. I wasn’t an alcoholic but I was binge drinking every weekend. One night, we were at a party together and well, I got quite drunk, I went outside for a cigarette and he followed me. He told me that he had feelings for me and that he knew that I had feelings for him, he kissed me. I knew right then that this wasn’t some kind of phase or confusion, I had always felt like this but had never realized it. I realized that I love him.

As great as that feeling was the despair returned quickly as I knew straight away that if I followed my heart I would never again be able to play the role that I have played. I have worked tirelessly for my faith all my life, I love my Church and I try to be loyal to it but I cannot ignore him either. He and I are now seeing each other, but I now know that I will now be committing mortal sin, that I will never enjoy the Eucharist again or be able to pray in the same way, that I can never attend Confession again or enjoy the peace that comes from being Catholic all because of the way that I was born. I now have to choose between the man I love and the faith I hold so dear. I do not want to give up either, I cannot believe that God created me like this and has given me such capability to love but demands that I don’t love, that if I act in the way He created me then I cannot be part of his communion, that I cannot receive the same help from the sacraments as His other children, such a God would be by His very nature an unjust God. I now am left agonizing over what to do, broken hearted for my faith. I want to ask you all, whoever you are, Can anybody give me advice and above all their prayers.
 
I am not qualified or justified in any way either to condemn or condone you- only GOD can do that, I will pray for you though.
 
My prayers for you both, certainly. I cannot offer advice, other than to keep praying, keep your personal contact with God. He is ALWAYS there for you, and will love you no matter what you do.
 
I’m praying for you my friend.

We all have burdens my dear brother. You are not alone. :hug3: Please, stay close to Christ. He truly is our only source of true happiness and peace. Going outside of his plan and design never brings it. I know.

. Oh HeavenHelp, God has not abandoned you. One of my favorite verses that helped me through my own difficult cross is in 1 Corinthians 10, “God will not test you beyond your strength, but provides the grace to overcome it.” I’m away from my bible right now, so it’s not the exact quote, but that verse was my go to for many years, when I felt so alone and confused. And my dear friend, it’s true. My own burden hasn’t disappeared, but I do have the strength to carry it now. Christ is my strength. I feel lightened, and joyful, even more so now that I have this cross than when I didn’t.

Nothing is impossible with Him dear brother. You know as well as I how awesome the sacraments are, they’re our only source of strength. Stay close to Him! No human relationship is worth coming between that.

Saying a rosary and Divine Mercy chaplet for you tonight. Please don’t despair.
 
First: Read “Washed and Waiting”, by Wesley Hill.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you that I know where you’re coming from. I’m what those in the culture would generally call “bisexual” – though I would simply define myself as a son of God – and I’ve spent large portions of my life longing for intimacy with men. (I’m currently married to the most wonderful woman in the world, which is awesome, but doesn’t “solve” everything.) I don’t know that I have a ton of wisdom about your question, but I do have a bit of experience.

First of all, I have a question for you: What is the purpose of your life? Is life about what you give or what you get? Supposing that God exists, how does his existence impact your purpose?

Think for a moment about why we admire people: say, somebody like Saint Francis or somebody like Martin Luther King. We admire them, not only because of what they did, but because of what they gave up. Francis wouldn’t have been Francis if he had stayed in his rich and comfortable life, with a wife and kids and all the luxuries of bourgeois Italy. MLK risked his life continually to advance the cause of other people.

But talk to somebody like that, talk to a saint, and they’ll tell you: It’s not what you give up; it’s what you get.

Personally, I have yelled and screamed at God continually because “his stinkin’ law” won’t let me experience the sexual, intimate touch of a beautiful man. But why do I want this so much? Is it because such a sexual relationship will free me up to be a better man, to serve and love those around me in need? I’m not sure. I think it’s more about me, getting what I want.

Many men marry (or simply have sex with) women for that reason, to get what they want. But the Christian message, from the very beginnings of Christianity, is that this is a bad reason to get married (or to have sex). The focus of Christianity is inside-out: it is only in giving that we receive.

Let me say something a bit more encouraging, though. God loves you, and God wants you to live in the light. God wants you to struggle with this, yes, but it is because He has something unbelievably good planned for you. The more you try to grasp at your idea of goodness, the more it slips away from you. If you haven’t noticed that yet, try it out. No man or woman can fulfill you.

You have an opportunity for holiness here, my brother. God’s not worried about you failing, and you shouldn’t be either. But you need to trust in His word. A love affair with Jesus is far, far more rewarding than a love affair with one of his creations. God’s not looking to condemn you for your sin, and God doesn’t want you to hide. But God wants you to be mature and healthy, and I’m not sure that the impulses leading you into this relationship are mature and healthy.

Feel free to argue with me, if you like. I’m game. (Though I’ll be out of town till Monday).

But know how deeply the Father loves you, that He sent His son to die for you. That was not easy, and your cross isn’t easy either.
 
HeavenHelp said:
Up until recently I have lived a normal everyday life, centered around college work, my night job and my Catholic faith. It was everything I wanted it to be- It was all going to plan, a structured, respectable and Catholic life. I attended Mass every week, said my prayers daily, went to confession monthly and campaigned for Catholic social issues.

However, some time ago I became friends with a guy who was gay but still practices his faith in the best way that he can, we shared many common interests and it was just one of those friendships between two guys that every man has. Yet, after some time I realized that I actually had feelings for him in a more intimate way, this came as a shock as I had never had homosexual feelings before, I resisted the feelings for some time, I even stopped seeing him but because we work together it was impossible to avoid him completely. I really struggled with these feelings and it seemed that despite how often I knelt crying my eyes out and begging God to take these feelings away my prayers were not answered. I quickly sank into depression and I took to drink as a way of dealing with my pain. I wasn’t an alcoholic but I was binge drinking every weekend. One night, we were at a party together and well, I got quite drunk, I went outside for a cigarette and he followed me. He told me that he had feelings for me and that he knew that I had feelings for him, he kissed me. I knew right then that this wasn’t some kind of phase or confusion, I had always felt like this but had never realized it. I realized that I love him.

As great as that feeling was the despair returned quickly as I knew straight away that if I followed my heart I would never again be able to play the role that I have played. I have worked tirelessly for my faith all my life, I love my Church and I try to be loyal to it but I cannot ignore him either. He and I are now seeing each other, but I now know that I will now be committing mortal sin, that I will never enjoy the Eucharist again or be able to pray in the same way, that I can never attend Confession again or enjoy the peace that comes from being Catholic all because of the way that I was born. I now have to choose between the man I love and the faith I hold so dear. I do not want to give up either, I cannot believe that God created me like this and has given me such capability to love but demands that I don’t love, that if I act in the way He created me then I cannot be part of his communion, that I cannot receive the same help from the sacraments as His other children, such a God would be by His very nature an unjust God. I now am left agonizing over what to do, broken hearted for my faith. I want to ask you all, whoever you are, Can anybody give me advice and above all their prayers.
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I know you are not permitted to receive the Eucharist in your current state but is it also the case you cannot partake of the Sacrament of Reconciliation? I thought you could. But even if not, you might consider talking to a trusted priest and seeking his guidance and counsel. Tell him what you’ve told us and find out what advice he can give you. You might also try therapy, perhaps with a Catholic-centered clinical psychologist, to air and share your emotions. Of course prayer is always a powerful source of comfort as well.
 
Practice your great love for this man chastely and you will be no sinner. Sexual misconduct is always a false promise, it doesn’t give you what you think it will anyway. You are not choosing between the Church and this man. You are choosing between the Church and a house of cards. When that house falls down you will enter into despair. Even if that does not happen for many years, it will happen. I know to practice you love for him may mean walking away, but pray to God for answer, he is so good! He gives some of his children the sweetest friends!! I will pray for you.
 
HeavenHelp said:
Up until recently I have lived a normal everyday life, centered around college work, my night job and my Catholic faith. It was everything I wanted it to be- It was all going to plan, a structured, respectable and Catholic life. I attended Mass every week, said my prayers daily, went to confession monthly and campaigned for Catholic social issues.

However, some time ago I became friends with a guy who was gay but still practices his faith in the best way that he can, we shared many common interests and it was just one of those friendships between two guys that every man has. Yet, after some time I realized that I actually had feelings for him in a more intimate way, this came as a shock as I had never had homosexual feelings before, I resisted the feelings for some time, I even stopped seeing him but because we work together it was impossible to avoid him completely. I really struggled with these feelings and it seemed that despite how often I knelt crying my eyes out and begging God to take these feelings away my prayers were not answered. I quickly sank into depression and I took to drink as a way of dealing with my pain. I wasn’t an alcoholic but I was binge drinking every weekend. One night, we were at a party together and well, I got quite drunk, I went outside for a cigarette and he followed me. He told me that he had feelings for me and that he knew that I had feelings for him, he kissed me. I knew right then that this wasn’t some kind of phase or confusion, I had always felt like this but had never realized it. I realized that I love him.

As great as that feeling was the despair returned quickly as I knew straight away that if I followed my heart I would never again be able to play the role that I have played. I have worked tirelessly for my faith all my life, I love my Church and I try to be loyal to it but I cannot ignore him either. He and I are now seeing each other, but I now know that I will now be committing mortal sin, that I will never enjoy the Eucharist again or be able to pray in the same way, that I can never attend Confession again or enjoy the peace that comes from being Catholic all because of the way that I was born. I now have to choose between the man I love and the faith I hold so dear. I do not want to give up either, I cannot believe that God created me like this and has given me such capability to love but demands that I don’t love, that if I act in the way He created me then I cannot be part of his communion, that I cannot receive the same help from the sacraments as His other children, such a God would be by His very nature an unjust God. I now am left agonizing over what to do, broken hearted for my faith. I want to ask you all, whoever you are, Can anybody give me advice and above all their prayers.
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My heart aches for you.

When you say “he practices his faith as well as he can,” does that mean he is also Catholic?

If so, maybe this will help. I pray it will. The highest form of love is also the hardest. It’s to do whatever it takes to help someone get to Heaven. That’s what Jesus did for us, and that’s what He meant by John 15:13 - “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Giving up the possibility of a full sexual love to help this man you love get to Heaven is as close as you can get to being crucified for him. I won’t try to tell you that it will be easy. (Though it will be much easier if he chooses to make the same sacrifice for you.) That’s why my heart aches for you both. (Feel free to PM me for moral support, if you’d like.)

Praying for strength for you,
 
Cojuanco said:
Schedule an appointment with a priest.
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Agreed, definitely see a priest. asap, Please.

Also, during your weakest time, please do not binge drink and get drunk. You need to be sober minded.
Peter Chapter 5:8 “Be sober and watch: because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, goeth about seeking whom he may devour.”

Also, as advice, take extreme measures to avoid all occasions that will lead you to this sin. If there are certain places, activities, avoid them like the plague.
Matthew 5:29
 “And if thy right eye scandalize thee, pluck it out and cast it from thee. For it is expedient for thee that one of thy members should perish, rather than that thy whole body be cast into hell.”

Pray, pray, and pray (don’t go to parties where he is, stay home and pray instead), the Rosary above all. Quoted by Saint Pio of Pietrelcina “Love the Madonna and pray the rosary, for her Rosary is the weapon against the evils of the world today.”

God Bless and I will pray for you.
 
You need to go to confession immediately, and sever all ties with this man. This person either has views on morality that are not the Church’s views or has strong temptations to sin that will only drag you down with him if you are together. He will likely try to convince you that acting on homosexual inclinations is not sinful. Please understand clearly that if he does this he is no friend of yours as this distances you from God.

Some others on this thread have recommended speaking with a priest. That is definitely important, but FIRST learn what the Church teaches (using the Catechism) on the issue. There are priests out there who do not understand the issue and may mislead you (and some who do understand and choose to disobey).

Know that you are deeply loved by God and that He has a plan for your life. This plan involves both your holiness and your happiness. Sometimes things that seem to satisfy can actually hurt us.
 
meltzerboy said:
I know you are not permitted to receive the Eucharist in your current state but is it also the case you cannot partake of the Sacrament of Reconciliation? I thought you could. But even if not, you might consider talking to a trusted priest and seeking his guidance and counsel. Tell him what you’ve told us and find out what advice he can give you. You might also try therapy, perhaps with a Catholic-centered clinical psychologist, to air and share your emotions. Of course prayer is always a powerful source of comfort as well.
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You can’t be absolved if you are unrepentant
Gliggle said:
Practice your great love for this man chastely and you will be no sinner. Sexual misconduct is always a false promise, it doesn’t give you what you think it will anyway. You are not choosing between the Church and this man. You are choosing between the Church and a house of cards. When that house falls down you will enter into despair. Even if that does not happen for many years, it will happen. I know to practice you love for him may mean walking away, but pray to God for answer, he is so good! He gives some of his children the sweetest friends!! I will pray for you.
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Telling someone if they get out of despair now they will eventually feel despair again isn’t very convincing.
 
You know, even those of us who are hetero sexual, can struggle with remaining celibate. That desire to be loved physically and to love physically can be very strong.

After my marriage broke down a number of years ago I thought I might find a nice man this time, but what happened is I found Christ. For reasons I won’t go into, I made a vow that I would forsake all other men for Him. But that has been a struggle at times. Even the other day I thought I would check out RSVP. Mind you once I clicked the over 40s group I realised I will stick with Christ.

A few years ago I was listening to a radio talk by an American call Cy Rogers. He used to live a practicing gay lifestyle and is now married to a woman. He credits his conversion to Christ. And he made mention of some homosexual friends of his who had a gay marriage. But they read the bible. And one day they came to the realisation that their lifestyle was contrary to Christianity and so they separated, as painful as it was I am sure, they chose to follow the way of Christ.

We are all called to follow Christ. Matt 16:24 *Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone wants to be a follower of mine, let him renounce himself and take up his cross and follow me.

25 Anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it. *

I am sorry for your pain and know God is aware of it, but ponder the above scripture passage and try the Rosary.

God Bless
 
Call the your diocese and see if they have a group called (I think) Courage. It is a support group for people with SSA who want to live their lives chastely and remain in the state of grace.
 
kyria said:
You know, even those of us who are hetero sexual, can struggle with remaining celibate. That desire to be loved physically and to love physically can be very strong.

After my marriage broke down a number of years ago I thought I might find a nice man this time, but what happened is I found Christ. For reasons I won’t go into, I made a vow that I would forsake all other men for Him. But that has been a struggle at times. Even the other day I thought I would check out RSVP. Mind you once I clicked the over 40s group I realised I will stick with Christ.

A few years ago I was listening to a radio talk by an American call Cy Rogers. He used to live a practicing gay lifestyle and is now married to a woman. He credits his conversion to Christ. And he made mention of some homosexual friends of his who had a gay marriage. But they read the bible. And one day they came to the realisation that their lifestyle was contrary to Christianity and so they separated, as painful as it was I am sure, they chose to follow the way of Christ.

We are all called to follow Christ. Matt 16:24 *Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone wants to be a follower of mine, let him renounce himself and take up his cross and follow me.

25 Anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it. *

I am sorry for your pain and know God is aware of it, but ponder the above scripture passage and try the Rosary.

God Bless
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There is a difference here, you made a choice to “forsake all other men for Him”, you at least have the consolation that you chose your path.

Sy Rogers really does seem like one of those few cases where it stems from a desire for masculine affection, but he is just that, one of those few cases.

What would you say to those people who pray the rosary and feel nothing except a void?
 
HeavenHelp said:
Up until recently I have lived a normal everyday life, centered around college work,…
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As a person who has also struggled with SSA, I hope I can shed some light on your situation.

After years of struggling with a wide variety of sins, and not understanding why I had such strong attractions to things that were sinful, I finally realized that attraction to whatever, not matter how good or how strong the feelings may be are not the same things as something being actually good for me.

For instance, a young child may not hesitate to eat an entire bag of candy in one sitting. But, his mother knows that this is not good for him. The child may feel a strong desire for the candy, and he is seeking a good in some sense… candy is sweet and pleasing to taste.

Likewise, when we are attracted to something, whether it be good or evil, there is some good and some truth that we are seeking. For example, I knew a girl whose father left her family at a young age. When she got older, she started seeking attention from boys/men in a promiscuous way. The good and truth that she was seeking was the lost love that her father never gave her. However, she was seeking it in a bad and harmful way.

Another example is a mother I know who had a lousy marriage. Her husband wasn’t there to support her and left her. So, she started to seek the affection she was missing from her spouse in her children. She started confiding in the older child and telling her things about her father and about her problems. The things she told her older daughter were completely inappropriate and suited for a psychologists ears, not a young child. The mother started looking for sympathy and affection from the younger daughter. She would cuddle and be affectionate with the younger daughter. She would even sleep with her at night until she was a teenager.
At first glance, what looked like a loving mother was really a covertly abusive one. It’s quite understandable why the mother did what she did, and she herself was probably unaware of how much damage she was inflicting on her children. But, she was seeking a good and a truth. She deserved to be loved and have affection, just like every human. But since she was denied this and had deep wounds, she sadly sought them from her children in a completely inappropriate and abusive way.
The story doesn’t end happily. Since she was seeking love and affection in an inappropriate way, it didn’t truly satisfy. In fact, it left her hungrier than before and she developed depression and severe anxiety.

When we seek what we are missing in an unhealthy way, it only makes us more deprived and even “sicker.”

I would also like to comment on some things that you said:
I now know that I will now be committing mortal sin,that I will never enjoy the Eucharist again or be able to pray in the same way,
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So why do it?!? No matter how big the temptation, is it worth your soul? :eek:
that I can never attend Confession again
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You most certainly can go to Confession again. God is always waiting for you with open arms. You do have to go with the intention of turning from your ways, however.
or enjoy the peace that comes from being Catholic
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Peace doesn’t come from “being Catholic.” Peace comes from accepting God’s will no matter what happens to us in our lives.
all because of the way that I was born.
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I’m going to scold here, but only because I have done the exact same thing. Do not fall into the trap of self-pity. It’s one of the biggest traps of the devil, and one that I have fallen into many times. Each time it only leaves me in misery.

The fact is, we know that there are multiple factors for one experiencing SSA. God doesn’t “create a person to be gay” anymore than He creates someone to be depressed. One may be prone to depression, biologically, or one may have had several traumatic experiences that lead to depression, but God creates us for Heaven with a natural order. We know that by nature, God intended the union of a man and woman and nothing else. Our fallen nature is greatly wounded in us and we are prone to concupiscence. That doesn’t mean God created it to be so.

Lastly, I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend reading the book, “Trustful Surrender to the Divine Providence” not to be confused with “Abandonment to the Divine Providence.” That’s a completely separate book, but also good. The former is a very small book that was recommended to me by a religious sister. It has changed my life! If you have a kindle, you can download it for 99cents. Here’s a link. It’s the first two books - paper, then kindle. :amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_11?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=trustful+surrender+to+divine+providence&sprefix=trustful+su%2Caps%2C353

Good luck. The biggest mistake we can do is knowingly go against the will of God!

St. Joseph is a big help. Ask him for his powerful intercession.
 
I simply cannot believe that I must sacrifice the one I love for the sake of an interpretation of Scripture. Nor can I believe that God calls us to be celibate when I certainly was not. Vocation is one thing but to extend that to those who were not called to be celibate and I am certain I was not, to be celibate says a lot about our grasp on Divine matters. For me, I am starting to believe that am going to have to live my life and leave it to God to be my judge.
 
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