Gentle response to MIL's "surprises"?

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brioche

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I am not married yet, but my future mother in law already thinks of me as part of the family… this would be great if it weren’t for two delicate issues which I don’t know how to approach…

1) I tried to put unnecessary pride aside and laugh along when MIL cheerfully ca:confused: lled me names “stupid” for small things like not eating a fabulous piece of meat (I am not a big meat eater) or being “clumsy” for dropping smth/ stepping on smth slippery…But I just can’t. I’m not being myself, these are not terms of endearment in my opinion.
**MIL says: you are one of us now, you must get used to these “jokes”. **She even read me a passage from a book (!) in which a mother would call her child names, to show me “from a mother these names are not offensive”
My boyfriend will not talk to his mother about it, as “she will be very offended if told to watch how she’s talkin to you” . I just don’t feel like officially approving being called such names… this is not my personality, it’s just not fun… I tried to look her in the eye and gently tell her : I’m surprised, I’m not used to this, but she would just say: get used to it!
  1. I also have anxiety disorder, doing therapy and all and I like to eat my meals in a positive state of mind. When I can’t avoid eating with her at their house, MIL, a doctor, **speaks about diseases and subjects that really cut one’s appetite **… But is quick to point out others’ table manners, like holding the little finger in the air, having the fork on the wrong side of the plate…
    I try not to encourage the development of such subjects and to finish quicker but I wish I could do something else about it…
    And when I get really disturbed and have trouble breathing/ eating, she cheerfully tells me I should not give in to the feeling difficult breathing! Or that I am far too sensitive!
She really **is **fond of me, she’s not trying to make me go away from her son or family, she just wants to mold me into “one of them” as she says… Her own daughter has cut contact with her for small things like these and bigger added over the years.

Maybe I should just tell her “I’m sorry , it’s just that I don’t like this/that, it’s the same as liking sugar in your coffee or not”?

Boyfriend has been very supportive when I went through bad times with my anxiety, but does not want to talk to his mother directly, he’s the soft type(or afraid of her?), he’d rather ask his father to talk to her about it…He is like" I see you’re hurting, but I can’t change my parents… and they have done so much for me"

MIL lost her own mum very early, was raised by authoritary people and forced into an unhappy marriage before meeting my boyfriend’s father. This might be a reason for a certain lack of tact and for the need to impose her habits etc…Though I truly feel very sorry for her, I just don’t see it as natural or wise to encourage her to “mold” me into the daughter (in-law) that she desires…
 
Your “future” MIL is a bully and your future husband is a coward.

At a MINIMUM you need to go to counseling WITH your boyfriend and resolve this-- i.e. he must stand up to his mother and forbid such treatment and follow up with it including cutting contact with her if necessary. However, don’t expect that to actually happen. He will not change, nor will your future MIL.

Honestly, you need to RUN and do it now. Do not marry into this family or this will be your life FOREVER.

I wish I could tell you there is a magic way to get her to stop her abusive behavior, but since her family is willing to allow it you can guarantee she will continue to do it.

You seriously need to end this relationship NOW.
 
brioche said:
She really **is **fond of me, she’s not trying to make me go away from her son or family, she just wants to mold me into “one of them” as she says… Her own daughter has cut contact with her for small things like these and bigger added over the years.
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Marrying her son doesn’t mean you should “mold into one of them” – it means you and your future husband create your own new family. You shouldn’t stand for being treated the way she’s treating you, and if she really were fond of you, she would listen to your concerns and stop this behavior if it’s hurting you this much. For her to brush it off isn’t loving.
brioche said:
Boyfriend has been very supportive when I went through bad times with my anxiety, but does not want to talk to his mother directly, he’s the soft type(or afraid of her?), he’d rather ask his father to talk to her about it…He is like" I see you’re hurting, but I can’t change my parents… and they have done so much for me"
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Once you marry, your husband’s first devotion should be to you (well, God first, then you). If he’s not standing up for you now, that’s not a good sign. If his mother was punching you in the face repeatedly, and he said he didn’t want to get involved or call her on her cruel treatment, that would be ridiculous and you wouldn’t stand for it. In the same way, he should be doing what he can to stop the emotional and mental beating she gives you repeatedly.

I urge you to clear this up before getting married, because once you’re married, that’s it. Offering a prayer for discernment and clarity for your situation. :crossrc:

Edited to add: also extremely important here is that if your boyfriend won’t stand up for you, he probably won’t stand up for any children you have. If your MIL treats your children the way she treats you, and you have to handle that yourself, you’re in for an unhappy time. 😦 Just some things to think about…
 
When you marry a person, you do choose to be part of that family.

If you all need to go to counseling now, do it. I love my MIL, she is the mother of my husband and I honor love and respect her. For the sake of your future happiness, get this worked out before you get married.
 
Belle10 said:
In the same way, he should be doing what he can to stop the emotional and mental beating she gives you repeatedly.
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Keep in mind, he has been subject to this abuse his whole life. He may not recognize it for the abuse it is, or he may be too weak to stand up to her. Clearly, she has been at this a long time. Most sons who’ve grown up in emotionally abusive households do not resolve their issues or stand up to their mothers. The mother then wreaks the same havoc on her son’s marriage as she did in her own household by lashing out at the DIL.

Honestly, I would never hitch my wagon to such a situation.

If he won’t or can’t break free of it, he is not marriage material.
 
**Please do not get married until this issue is resolved. I know you love your boyfriend and I am sure that in many ways he is a great guy. So hopefully if you tell him that until this is resolved there won’t be a marriage he will see how serious this is.

Get some good counselling together. He needs to learn how to be assertive with his mom and how to treat you with the respect you deserve. Until he does this his mom will continue because he is telling her it’s ok by his lack of action. He doesn’t need to be mean to his mom, just needs to be loving towards you.

It will get worse when you have children. If you don’t address the issue now and decide to proceed with marriage, you will have made your bed… Please get help for your relationship and pray hard to do God’s will, whatever it may be.

Malia
**
 
Hmm…tough spot. I tend to agree with 1ke, in the regard, that these things need to be worked out, and not ignored…because this will be your life once you marry into the family. I don’t necessarily think you need to end the relationship, but I might postpone any wedding plans, until I see that things might change for the better, once you discuss this with your future husband. My husband is one of nine kids, and there have been times when his older brothers would ‘joke’ with me. I finally said one day…‘you know, a joke is when the other person is laughing along with you, and I’m not.’ 😉 It stopped after that. ‘Jokes’ are not laughable, if at someone’s expense…if that is her way of joking, she has a problem.

Really, your fiance should step up. That is why I say to put the wedding plans, if there are any, on hold…until you decide if this is something you can live with, if your bf steps up, if things basically change. If things don’t change, and you still marry into the family, things might very well get worse–as the case of her own daughter not speaking with her much. So–it’s not personal at least! :o

My hope is that your fiance steps up, and talks to his mom…and says…‘this is the woman I’m going to marry…she doesn’t appreciate your humor.’ Hopefully, that will do it. (I also don’t think people who joke like that, are completely joking…name calling is never funny–and poking fun at people’s foibles are never funny…so, it sounds more like a way to control people, than appear like the family comic) I will keep you in my prayers.
 
brioche said:
.He is like" I see you’re hurting, but I can’t change my parents… and they have done so much for me"

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Tell your husband that this is called ‘Parenting.’ All parents do a lot for their children that doesn’t mean that they can never be called on impolite or rude behavior.

It sounds like your husband has been abused both verbally and emotionally and unless he deals with this he will continue the cycle with his own children.

You need to deal with this before you get married or there will be problems later down the road.

Did you ever think that the reason this woman likes you is because you don’t stand up to her. Most young woman would have told this person to jump off a bridge.
 
1ke said:
Keep in mind, he has been subject to this abuse his whole life. He may not recognize it for the abuse it is, or he may be too weak to stand up to her. Clearly, she has been at this a long time. Most sons who’ve grown up in emotionally abusive households do not resolve their issues or stand up to their mothers. The mother then wreaks the same havoc on her son’s marriage as she did in her own household by lashing out at the DIL.

Honestly, I would never hitch my wagon to such a situation.

If he won’t or can’t break free of it, he is not marriage material.
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I almost married a man who was controlled by his mother. Thank goodness we broke up.

His mother did not believe in spanking but she managed to dominate her children and control everything that they did. She even told me how many kids my fiance and I would have, what their genders would be, that I would have a csection and what those childrens’ names would be.:eek:

Her son’s college was being paid for my his biological father, whom he hated. (I was never given a reason for this hate except that his mom hadn’t gotten enough attention during their marriage) He made good grades and wanted to finish. His mother decided out of the blue that he should join the navy. To me, he was adamant that he didn’t want to join. Before I knew it, he was in the navy.

But what finally convinced by foolish, 18 year old self to break it off was HER wedding plans for us. I was not religious and she was an atheist but she demanded that we have a church wedding. When I talked to my fiance he said that he could not hurt his mother’s feelings. A church wedding meant to much to her and she would pay after all.

Oddly enough, she liked me very much. But I think that was due to my shyness and hesitancy to stand up for myself.

One day I looked at my future mother-in-law and thought, “No way do I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with her.”

To the OP, please deal with this now.
 
Yes, in-laws can and will make your life miserable. If you’re miserable now, when everyone is nice, things can only get worse when you’ve settled into everyday. Throw a few children in the mix, with her calling them names, and you will be an absolute wreck.

If there are religious differences, wait for that kettle to boil over, as well! Again, discrepancies with raising your children religiously will be painful and sometimes scary.

I soooo agree with others that you should seriously reconsider if some behavior doesn’t change. You love him, yes, but that love will be put through a sieve with an in-law like the one you’re describing.

Furthermore, there are no gentle ways to respond. You will have to tell her point blank that you do not intend to become less sensitive, you expect her to become less obnoxious and to STOP calling you evil names.

Can you tell I have first-hand experience with this?
 
This is not bad manners, or a rough personality - this is abuse. It is an attempt by her to control the situation, which makes sense for a woman who has been in uncontrollable situations in the past. She is rude, insensitive, and totally disrespectful. And if your boyfriend will not stand up for you now, no matter how much he may love you, you will fight your own battle - alone - for the rest of your life if you get married.

As others have said - RUN.

~Liza
 
May I please add my voice to those who are saying “Get out of there.”
 
You give him a choice honey- Work it out with a counselor NOW, and no marriage until it’s worked out; or hit the bricks. :mad: She has not the right to treat you that way, and even if he has been a part of this circus since Day 1, it’s time for him to purchase a titanium backbone someplace.
 
jmcrae said:
May I please add my voice to those who are saying “Get out of there.”
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Me too. She will not change, and doesn’t care who she hurts in the process, as evidenced by the fact that her own daughter has cut ties yet this has not stopped future MIL. Also, your fiance has indicated that he is not willing to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. He is not willing to stand up for you now, and there is no evidence that he will change once you’re married. Honestly, you deserve better.
 
I strongly suggest looking up Heart Mind and Strength. It’s a Catholic radio program that helps guide you in problems like this. If you google them, it’ll lead you to their institute site where you can find their counseling or recommended counselors in your area.

You shouldn’t have to put up with rudeness and you don’t have to surround yourself if this unhappy/bullying atmosphere. Also you DON’T want to subject and future children to this. It will be a much bigger problem in the future if it’s not taken care of now.
 
brioche said:
I Boyfriend has been very supportive when I went through bad times with my anxiety, but does not want to talk to his mother directly, he’s the soft type(or afraid of her?), he’d rather ask his father to talk to her about it…He is like" I see you’re hurting, but I can’t change my parents… and they have done so much for me"

…
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this is the root of the issue
before you even contemplate marriage with this man, find out if he will support you or support his mother, defend you or allow his mother to trample on your feelings and rights. do not even think of going into marriage with a man who is always going to choose his mother, parents, or family over you. it is a real deal breaker.
 
That heartburn and hyperventilation you experience is your body waving red flags at you. There is a reason you experience anxiety around this woman…her behaviour is manipulative at best and your husband is either immune to it or too intimidated by her to address it. Either way, there is no reason for you to commit yourself to a lifetime of abuse. Think down the road a few years…if she has this effect on you as an adult, imagine what she is capable of doing to children.

No. Sweetie…you deserve better than this. This is a deal breaker. If your fiance is not willing to back you up on this, then the wedding is off until he develops a backbone or MIL gets the message. If neither is a possibility, I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.
 
brioche said:
I am not married yet, but my future mother in law already thinks of me as part of the family… this would be great if it weren’t for two delicate issues which I don’t know how to approach…
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I’m agreeing with the previous posters.

Even if it wasn’t the case BUT ESPECIALLY since you have anxiety disorders… you need to recognize what you can’t control and what you can control.

You CAN’T…
  • feel good about your potential MIL’s behavior
  • change her behavior
  • make your BF/potential DH stand up to his mother
  • make your BF/potential DH stand up for you
  • know what will happen in the future
    You CAN…
  • stay
  • leave
    Staying most likely means long term misery. Leaving probably mean some short term heart ache with the long term chance for happiness.
Please choose the chance for happiness.
 
With people like that, gentleness doesn’t work; you sometimes have to be blunt, and sometimes it takes a while to build up the courage to confront her. You may have to snap at her or walk out and refuse to step foot in her house again.
brioche said:
Her own daughter has cut contact with her for small things like these and bigger added over the years.
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That speaks volumes. It may sound unChristian to some, but that might be something to throw back in her face (preferably in public) if she starts with you again after you give her another “fair warning”.

Also, where is her husband (you boyfriend’s father) in all of this?
 
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