There is a large amount of luck when meeting a potential spouse. You may find a someone attractive but it won’t do any good if they in turn do not find you attractive. Or someone may find you attractive but you in turn do not find them attractive.
I agree, but if the person is unattractive, how would you find out if they had the other stuff? Like I said, it’s probably a character flaw of mine, but if I see a woman I find unattractive, I have no motiviation or desire to approach her and would therefore, never learn if she had any of those other qualities.
Wow! That sounded like a personals ad.This topic appeared a few days ago and I was interested in it, but had to answer at the time “I don’t really know what I’m looking for”.
Yet the question has bobbled away at the back of my mind, and I have also returned several times to check the other responses, which have all been good and helpful.
My two experiences of serious dating were in my twenties, when I married someone, and in my fourties, when I became engaged. For the last ten years I have been single, divorced, annulled and not looking. Hence my “list” is not something I have readily prepared, however if I were to start dating again I would make such a list. My list would be based on my current state of life, which is very different from my twenties - the main difference being that I am comfortable, not “needy” and not in a hurry. I am not going to give up my freedom for a risky marriage. (I wish I had taken the same approach in my twenties, however!)
So, after some thought, here’s what I’ve realised is actually the subconscious “list” I go through when considering a prospective relationship:
Absolutely essential. Prayers at the start and of the end of the day are the most important part of any day for me, and I must be able to share these with my wife. We also must be able to pray over any difficulties or conflicts.
- Someone I can pray with.
It is my religious belief, and also my nature to expect, that the husband should be the head of the house and the family. I am easy going and eager to please, and naturally discuss issues with the woman in my life and don’t want to tread on her, but I also like to settle issues in an appropriate time, and then just move on.
- A woman who accepts the husband’s headship of the house.
This is a separate topic, and I would like to post my thoughts on it in a new thread. Surprisingly, in my five years in CAF I have not seen it mentioned often.
- The things which bring some color to my life, and “our” life:
My own nature is (mostly) quiet and serious, and I look for a woman who complements me, who can be (ideally) more chatty, more musical than me; better informed on movies and literature than I am; better at noticing children, pets and people than I am.
- Someone I can have “fun” with,
- Someone who makes me smile,
- Someone I can share music with,
- Someone I can have a serious conversation with,
- Someone who is kind, gentle and generous with others (duh! because however she treats others will be how she treats me eventually!*),
- Someone who likes sex, and appreciates me as a man. Women seem to have a subtle way of signalling “yes, I’m interested in you” or “you’re a nice guy, but you don’t press my buttons”.
For my part, I can offer my work, my care for her and others, my appreciation of her gifts and femininity, and my ability to think through hard issues.
My favourite recreation is gentle leisure activity outdoors - such hiking as hiking and ocean swimming, and I would very much like to share these. I guess it’s at the bottom of my “must haves”, ie. it’s nearly a “must have”, but if someone were too-good-to-be-true in other things then I could let it go.
And then some “nots”:
Thanks! It’s been helpful and fun for me to think about this!
- Not critical of others, and life’s little problems and losses. (It’s surprising how many “good” women display these without any self-consciousness!)
- Not dishonest
- Not (overly) obsessed with her own clothing and appearance.
- Not wasteful
- Not froward, peevish sullen sour.
- “Kind, gentle and generous with others”. I should have observed these qualities being visibly absent from my first wife when we were courting!
Such as this:
If I were single, I’d be tempted to put you through your paces and ask to see some demonstrations of thinking through hard issues.Such as this:
For my part, I can offer my work, my care for her and others, my appreciation of her gifts and femininity, and my ability to think through hard issues. So, I would be looking for someone who values these in a man. (It is surprising how much difference there is between different women with this, btw)
?
There’s no point looking for a woman who doesn’t actually want what I have to offer. Moreover, she may express an interest in it, but actually be looking for something else - such as money, or just a husband!
Why challenge me?
Well, it is tempting. It’s like when somebody writes, “I’m smart!” or “I’m a deep thinker!” my immediate reflex is to ask, “So, do something smart for me!” or “Do some deep thinking for me!”
OK!
When women put “good sense of humor” on their lists, it makes me wonder if that would include finding their own foibles funnyOK!
So, if someone claims to have a “sense of humour”, do you challenge them to be “funny”?
Which reminds me, btw, of another item for my “not” list. “Not” expecting too much in the sense of humour department - just out of self preservation!
**Why do women so often put “Good sense of humour” in their “seeking” list, **when less than 50% of men think themselves humorous? It always scares me when I see that!
When women put “good sense of humor” on their lists, it makes me wonder if that would include finding their own foibles funny
No need. If you pay attention when you’re dating someone, their decision making skills (or lack thereof) become apparent pretty quickly.
I think Florence King (the Southern humorist) said that when women say they want a guy with a sense of humor, what they really want is a guy that’s not going to be mean to the kids.OK!
So, if someone claims to have a “sense of humour”, do you challenge them to be “funny”?
**You know, I actually wrote done something about humor in my list of qualities to show, not tell, but then deleted it for brevity’s sake.
I’ve seen that given as advice for online dating–don’t tell me you’re funny, show me!**
Which reminds me, btw, of another item for my “not” list, ie. “Not” expecting too much in the sense of humour department - just out of self preservation!
Why do women so often put “Good sense of humour” in their “seeking” list, when less than 50% of men think themselves humorous? It always scares me when I see that!
Well, it might mean, “Won’t yell at me too much if dinner or his favorite shirt is ruined or if I let him run out of clean underwear or if I take a long time to get ready to go places.”When women put “good sense of humor” on their lists, it makes me wonder if that would include finding their own foibles funny
I’m sure that, in general, this is true. :yup:
I didn’t admit that I’m not considered “funny” at home…Funny!I’m sure that, in general, this is true. :yup:
On the other hand, as a guy with only an average sense of humor, I’ve noticed that women seem to have a natural attraction to the “funny” ones, which helps me to imagine what it is like being an average looking girl watching the guys falling for the pretty ones - from a competitor’s point of view it is quite obvious, despite what the people themselves are thinking (eg. “Oh, his sense of humor shows that he’s a nice guy”, or “it’s not just her looks, it’s her personality”).
As an Aussie guy, when I was in Canada I found this very much to my advantage, as our everyday speech has Canadian women cackling anyway!
I once heard a superior of a monastery define “sense of humor” as being able to keep things in perspective. I always liked that definition – rather than an ability to tell jokes and keep people laughing, a sense of humor is about being able to find the humor in the foibles of life.I’m sure that, in general, this is true. :yup:
On the other hand, as a guy with only an average sense of humor, I’ve noticed that women seem to have a natural attraction to the genuinely “funny” ones - from a competitor’s point of view it is quite obvious!
As an Aussie guy, when I was in Canada I found this very much to my advantage, as our everyday speech has Canadian women cackling anyway!
You sound like my dad describing my mom.