Getting married and remaining a virgin

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a friend of mine wants to get married to her boyfriend very badly, except they will not be able to support a family until a few years after their marriage, because they are not financially stable. Their plan is to get married and abstain from sex until they are ready.

I am quite confused about whether or not this is right, and or a sin?
Seeing as the point of marriage is to become one with another person, and that can’t really be done without both god’s bless, promising to eachother, and the act of sexual intercourse, would this marriage be right?

Let me know! pleassee.
 
1 Corinthians 7:1-6: Now in regard to the matters about which you wrote: “It is a good thing for a man not to touch a woman,” but because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. **Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control. This I say by way of concession, 4 however, not as a command. **

I think that they are truly playing with fire, and considering that they are not abstaining merely for a time of prayer (similar to fasting), I would suggest that they really need to examine their motives. Openness to life and trust in God are a part of marriage, and if they are not open to either I would humbly ask why they are even getting married.

And as an aside, if they think they are really going to abstain, they are out of their minds. I’ve been in that situation as a former protestant that agreed with my wife to abstain until we got our JOP marriage blessed by the Church. I had already been married for five years, and let me tell you, it was a nightmare, so I seriously doubt chastity will be the first order of business as a newlywed. Nor should it be. In fact, given their motives, she may actually be tempted to use birth control due to a lack of ability to abstain. This is simply opening up a can of worms. Is it possible? Yes. But again, she’s playing with fire.
 
On the other hand, they could certainly pray and accept guidance from the marriage of Our Lady and Joseph, who also were married, but abstained.

Sex has become the new god to which people seem to bow down. Does your marriage collapse if, through illness or injury, one is unable to be intimate with their spouse? I think that if they can abstain, then great. If not, then they are married and that is fine too. Otherwise, it is not your business.
 
bnbkaine said:
On the other hand, they could certainly pray and accept guidance from the marriage of Our Lady and Joseph, who also were married, but abstained.

Sex has become the new god to which people seem to bow down. Does your marriage collapse if, through illness or injury, one is unable to be intimate with their spouse? I think that if they can abstain, then great. If not, then they are married and that is fine too. Otherwise, it is not your business.
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I don’t see why you need to slip in the “none of your business” part in to that. Since when has being curious about the theology of the church a sin, even if someone elses actions inspired that curiosity? I guess I’ll go and do a bunch of things other people are doing so I can be curious if those things are moral.
 
It’s been done before, and not just by Mary and Joseph. If I were in that situation, I would consider why I would not just wait to marry, though I can think of a few good reasons.

OTOH, once married, it could be hard to resist, so if children are really not an option, that is something to think about.
 
bnbkaine said:
On the other hand, they could certainly pray and accept guidance from the marriage of Our Lady and Joseph, who also were married, but abstained.

Sex has become the new god to which people seem to bow down. Does your marriage collapse if, through illness or injury, one is unable to be intimate with their spouse? I think that if they can abstain, then great. If not, then they are married and that is fine too. Otherwise, it is not your business.
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I hardly think this applies. There is evidence to suggest Mary had taken a prior vow of celibacy that Joseph would have been obligated to respect if he had not objected upon first hearing of it (per Numbers 30). This is hardly comparable to a couple that knows they are going to have sex, but chooses not to because they are essentially not ready to be married. This is truly where motive and intent plays a large role in determining whether this is a truly moral action. I would argue that it is not, personally, unless they alter their motives.
 
Why can’t they just use NFP if they have grave/serious reasons to avoid pregnancy?
 
AndrewA said:
I am quite confused about whether or not this is right, and or a sin?
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It’s not objectively sinful, so as their friend, you should encourage them to get spiritual guidance from a wise and holy orthodox priest on the matter.
 
wanner47 said:
Why can’t they just use NFP if they have grave/serious reasons to avoid pregnancy?
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I find it very interesting that someone would consider using NFP to avoid pregnancy to be better than just abstaining. THat seems to be quite a turn-around from what one would expect a Catholic to say.
 
AndrewA said:
a friend of mine wants to get married to her boyfriend very badly, except they will not be able to support a family until a few years after their marriage, because they are not financially stable. Their plan is to get married and abstain from sex until they are ready.
Click to expand...
AndrewA said:
I am quite confused about whether or not this is right, and or a sin?
Seeing as the point of marriage is to become one with another person, and that can’t really be done without both god’s bless, promising to eachother, and the act of sexual intercourse, would this marriage be right?

Let me know! pleassee.
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Provided that they have no impediments, there is nothing to prevent them from marrying. For two baptised Christians, marriage based upon their proper consent and approved by the Church, it is a sacrament/mystery, which brings the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit then helps us to achieve self-control.

Pope Pius XI said in Casti connubii: “…one may advise him against marriage but one cannot forbid it. Marriage is one of the fundamental human rights, the use of which may not be prevented.”

vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_31121930_casti-connubii_en.html

Reproduction and education of children is not the only good of marriage. Most of the time married couples help each other in countless ways, and the relationship is for our spiritual benefit. We know that even when it is abnormally risky for a couple to conceive due to poor health, or in old age with lacking desire, or when agreeing to fast from sexual relations for prayer, the marriage is still valid.

Pope Pius XII said: “Serious motives, such as those which not rarely arise from medical, eugenic, economic and social so-called “indications,” may exempt husband and wife from the obligatory, positive debt for a long period or even for the entire period of matrimonial life.”

Address to Midwives, Given by His Holiness Pope Pius XII, 29 October 1951
 
Bluegoat said:
I find it very interesting that someone would consider using NFP to avoid pregnancy to be better than just abstaining. THat seems to be quite a turn-around from what one would expect a Catholic to say.
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Then you may have a flawed understanding of the purpose of marital intercourse in a Catholic marriage.

From the Catechism:
1643 “Conjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter - appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values.”
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1644 The love of the spouses requires, of its very nature, the unity and indissolubility of the spouses’ community of persons, which embraces their entire life: “so they are no longer two, but one flesh.” They “are called to grow continually in their communion through day-to-day fidelity to their marriage promise of total mutual self-giving.” This human communion is confirmed, purified, and completed by communion in Jesus Christ, given through the sacrament of Matrimony. It is deepened by lives of the common faith and by the Eucharist received together.
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1645 “The unity of marriage, distinctly recognized by our Lord, is made clear in the equal personal dignity which must be accorded to man and wife in mutual and unreserved affection.” Polygamy is contrary to conjugal love which is undivided and exclusive.
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1646 By its very nature conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. This is the consequence of the gift of themselves which they make to each other. Love seeks to be definitive; it cannot be an arrangement “until further notice.” The “intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demand total fidelity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them.”
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Getting married and remaining a virgin seems illogical-like a married bachelor or round square.
 
Or maybe they should begin praying for the faith necessary to trust that God will provide for all of their needs, since He knows their needs before they ask…

Point of fact: married virginity is not an impediment to Sainthood. Consider Saint Elzear and Blessed Delphina. After their marriage, Delphina told her new husband that she had taken a vow of perpetual virginity. He responded by taking the same vow.
 
Rascalking said:
Getting married and remaining a virgin seems illogical-like a married bachelor or round square.
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Well, I can see how you may consider it illogical, and I would probably agree with you. But a non-Catholic acquaintance of mine recently confided in me that she is terrified of becoming pregnant again, and is adamant that she cannot get pregnant. I know a lot of people are concerned about getting pregnant, but I was a bit surprised that her fear was so apparent. She is on ABCs and when I tried to talk to her about NFP, she dismissed it and said she couldn’t trust it, that it was too unreliable. Considering how worried she was about getting pregnant, I guess I can see how a Catholic couple would choose to remain virgins until they can risk conceiving, rather than going on ABCs.

Truly, NFP is not fool-proof. You have to be open to life because life can be made despite NFP 😉 Not only does it not work for everyone, but not everyone can read the signs as well as some do. There’s a learning period to contend with. And not only that, it’s difficult to restrain from having sex with one’s spouse (which is where discernment comes in). So I can see how, if a couple truly can’t risk conceiving, that they’d opt to just not have sex for a specified period of time, rather than risk using NFP…or disobey Catholic Church rules and just go on ABCs.

Still, there is nothing in the CCC or encycyclicals that says you cannot remain virgins for a amount time, if both consent fully to the arrangement. I would think that this would be something this couple should discuss with their pre-canna instructor, or their family priest. It would be interesting to learn what he would tell them.
 
Rence said:
Well, I can see how you may consider it illogical, and I would probably agree with you. But a non-Catholic acquaintance of mine recently confided in me that she is terrified of becoming pregnant again, and is adamant that she cannot get pregnant. I know a lot of people are concerned about getting pregnant, but I was a bit surprised that her fear was so apparent. She is on ABCs and when I tried to talk to her about NFP, she dismissed it and said she couldn’t trust it, that it was too unreliable. Considering how worried she was about getting pregnant, I guess I can see how a Catholic couple would choose to remain virgins until they can risk conceiving, rather than going on ABCs.

Truly, NFP is not fool-proof. You have to be open to life because life can be made despite NFP 😉 Not only does it not work for everyone, but not everyone can read the signs as well as some do. There’s a learning period to contend with. And not only that, it’s difficult to restrain from having sex with one’s spouse (which is where discernment comes in). So I can see how, if a couple truly can’t risk conceiving, that they’d opt to just not have sex for a specified period of time, rather than risk using NFP…or disobey Catholic Church rules and just go on ABCs.

Still, there is nothing in the CCC or encycyclicals that says you cannot remain virgins for a amount time, if both consent fully to the arrangement. I would think that this would be something this couple should discuss with their pre-canna instructor, or their family priest. It would be interesting to learn what he would tell them.
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Good points. Being a single guy, I just don’t think about NFP and ABC (groovy alphabetized names). I don’t have a dog in the fight, I guess. :o
 
I’d just like to point out that NFP is very nearly (about 1% depending on reports) as effective as ABC. I think the Church has done a fantastic job laying out options for married couples who don’t wish to have children in this program.
 
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