Getting married to a non-believer

[Skyhighblue34]

Hello! I’m not getting married or anything anytime soon. But I am worried about the churches stance on basically having kids until you drop and not using protection. I personally accept it, but what happens if you decide to marry someone who doesn’t? I know the church allows mixed marriages, where you can marry someone not of the faith, but what happens to that rule? Would my spouse be expected to go along with it? It’s a huge responsibility to pressure someone into if they don’t believe.

 

[spunjalebi]

Hello! I’m not getting married or anything anytime soon. But I am worried about the churches stance on basically having kids until you drop and not using protection. I personally accept it, but what happens if you decide to marry someone who doesn’t? I know the church allows mixed marriages, where you can marry someone not of the faith, but what happens to that rule? Would my spouse be expected to go along with it? It’s a huge responsibility to pressure someone into if they don’t believe.

I think this question deserves a clear, and simple answer.

Do.Not.Marry.An Unbeliever.

I get it people fall in love. I get it people want to get married and live happily ever after.The reality isn’t always like that. I think women have to think about it a lot more than men do because women are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. This can cause potential problems as a wife should follow God without dishonoring her husband.

Suppose a Catholic woman marries an unbeliever who sees nothing wrong with getting a woman’s tubes tied after one child, or believes his wife should contracept at all times? A Catholic in good conscience should not willfully do these things. The Church allows some recourse for a wife with contraception in order to not cause her husband to sin, but to willingly decide to be on contraception is a sin. Should a woman marry a man who’d eventually lead her to sin? This is a question to ask.

For men, all I can say is if a man marries a woman who isn’t amenable to raising the children Catholic, avoiding contraception, among other things he will have his hands full.

I’ve been married nearly a decade and I can say with full confidence that you cannot make someone change just because you marry. When you marry, you get what you see-- the entire package, with its wrapping and contents. If your boyfriend or girlfriend does not respect the Church, does not show any willingness to allow you to honor your Catholic faith, do not marry them. If they’re against the Church in any manner before the marriage, little will change after the marriage. In real life, I’ve talked to and heard of more women who left the Church because they married non-Catholics, and all of the issues it created in their marriages. I worked with one woman in particular who told me her story, and in my opinion her husband wouldn’t relent until she decided Catholicism wasn’t Christianity and she left the Church.

When I married, I wasn’t Catholic and I honestly had little respect for the Church. It was through prayer and contemplation for years I become Catholic of my own volition. However, my husband was taking a huge risk. My story is uncommon, but the stories of Catholics marrying non-Catholics and experiencing struggles is very common.

 

[SilverLight]

I may not be of much help to you I am sorry to say. However I would never want to pressure anyone into anything either its not in my nature to do so and I would feel so bad if I found out that I did.

I think there would have to be a compromise at some point between the two people.

 

[carefullytread]

Which is in part why the Church recommends against, but does not forbid, mixed marriages. The answer is, yes, you still have to abide by the rule. If your wife were on hormonal birth control and you know about it, you commit mortal sin by having sex with her. It is a harsh rule indeed.

But also recall, the Church has rules about which sex acts are allowed that are pretty strict. Remember that every martial act must have the procreative element. A non Catholic is unlikely to feel bound by those rules either. It’s not just the contraception ban where you’ll have problems.

 

[carefullytread]

It might also be worthwhile to point out that on this board, you will encounter a very orthodox view of the Faith. And while it is the correct interpretation of Church teachings, you shouldn’t expect that finding a Catholic wife would mean finding a woman who agrees with those teachings.

In the US, only 2% of women of child bearing age use NFP. That’s right, 2%! While 82% of Catholics in the US say birth control is morally acceptable, remember that this is a poll of all age groups. Amongst young women, the rate of women who think birth control is fine is even higher.

So if you want to abide by this teaching, the odds are very much against you that a Catholic woman will agree. If it is important to you, you need to do a lot more questioning than just finding a Catholic bride!

 

[SilverLight]

I think women have to think about it a lot more than men do because women are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.

I kind of do not agree with that part and I was not raised that way and both my parents are Christian. I am told marriage is a joint thing both people must work at it not just one. My mother pays the bills and my dad works but my mother has also worked. I plan on working also when I get married. I will have a say in my marriage of what happens and what does not just as my husband does. I will work hand in hand with him to accomplish things.

It may be common but my mother married a Presbyterian and it all turned out fine in regards to a mixed marriage.

 

[Viki63]

. . . because women are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.

Yes. And husbands are to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy,”

.

 

[vsedriver]

But I am worried about the churches stance on basically having kids until you drop and not using protection.

the church doesn’t have a stance that says you must have kids till you drop. The church’s stance is that the marital act is holy when open to life. If a couple must limit the size of their family for just reasons it is perfectly allowable to use natural family planing. The church does not expect us to breed like rabbits. But as rational beings we should be able to control our sex drive and to put our full trust that God will not give you more children than you can handle.

 

[Petaro]

I kind of do not agree with that part and I was not raised that way and both my parents are Christian. I am told marriage is a joint thing both people must work at it not just one. My mother pays the bills and my dad works but my mother has also worked. I plan on working also when I get married. I will have a say in my marriage of what happens and what does not just as my husband does. I will work hand in hand with him to accomplish things.

It may be common but my mother married a Presbyterian and it all turned out fine in regards to a mixed marriage.

I laugh at all this debate as to control in a marriage. I love my wife not to control her, but to protect and care for her. Like most women my wife likes to have her say in the marriage, and mine as well. LOL A sad man it is who allows himself to be ruled by his wife, but a broken wife it is who obsequiously “obeys” her husband without thought. She would be a weak wife in a crisis.
No, I make every decision jointly with my wife on all important issues relating to the family. She relies on my skill base and I rely on her skills. If there is a irreconcilable difference of opinion, I make the final decision with only her interest in my heart. She then has the right forever forward to remind me of my mistake… It is ever thus in a loving home.
If you love em, it all works out in the end.

 

[Jelrak_TB]

Everything becomes more complicated in a mixed marriage. One simple example from today:

My wife wished to institute a set of guidelines for the family to follow as a listed mission statement…naturally the first rule was all would abide the teachings of Jesus Christ…and naturally that made it impossible for me to subscribe…it had to be modified to “everyone would act in a way consistent with their beliefs,” which admittedly is a much weaker statement from a certain point of view…but such are the vagarities of compromise…

 

[1ke]

But I am worried about the churches stance on basically having kids until you drop

Really, is that the Church’s stance? Come now, think critically, read what the Church actually teaches.

not using protection.

What or whom do you need protection from? Your spouse? Tiny babies? Listen to how offensive and adversarial that word is-- I need to be protected from YOU. I need to be protected from CHILDREN. I need to put up a defense against babies, against my spouse, against God. Blech.

Children and spouses and family are not the enemy you need protection from.

Men need “protection” against their illicit sexual liaisons-- their actions outside marriage.

Women need “protection” against their illicit sexual liaisons-- their actions outside marriage.

Which, of course, would not be an issue if they followed God’s law and refrained from illicit sexual relations.

what happens if you decide to marry someone who doesn’t?

Then you have made a very bad decision. It’s not like you just “poof” marry someone. This requires discernment. And, if you KNOW this about them and choose to marry them anyway then you will have to explain yourself to Jesus.

I know the church allows mixed marriages, where you can marry someone not of the faith, but what happens to that rule?

It’s not a rule, it’s a commandment. And you are not free to violate it. That is why you should set your sights on marrying someone faithful to God’s law, be they Catholic or non-Catholic.

Would my spouse be expected to go along with it?

Of course.

It’s a huge responsibility to pressure someone into if they don’t believe.

It is a better course to find someone who does believe. Pressuring someone into anything is not the way to build a marriage. That is a sign that you need to go separate ways.

 

[aroosi]

I got married to somebody born in a different religion but basically atheist. At the beginning we were both full of enthusiasm and good intentions. Love is everything, we will respect each other way of life. Seven years into our marriage and after a child, I look back at the two of us and I realize we were naive. We are still together and my husband never opposed my child to be baptized and he was never forced to change anything of his philosophy of life but we are struggling, a struggle that is breaking the soul. The differences are real and dramatic. When you are faced with important decisions or with life changing events being a believer or an atheist doesn’t give you the same perspective on things. What for one is strength for the other is superstition, what for one is accepting the cross for the other one is a pain unjust and cruel. I don’t have other catholics in my social circle and even going to church is becoming a very lonely place (my husband came in a church only once in all these years and I am seen as odd in a parish of traditional families). I still want to be faithful to my husband and keep my family together but to people entering a mixed marriage I say keep your eyes open and think about it twice, it is not easy and it can easily become a hard cross.

 

[jlc2k2]

So first of all, there is no Catholic teaching that you have to have children until you drop.

Secondly, what do you mean by non-believer? Not Catholic? Not Christian? Not religious?

Each has their own challenges. I like to think marrying a non-Catholic Christian worked out pretty well for my husband. But I’m biased.

For the specific situation of not using birth control, my husband made it very clear that we would not use birth control in our marriage well before we were married. Despite not having a full understanding of the reasons, I readily agreed. That was likely my first step in becoming Catholic. I had also been attending Mass with him weekly for 6 months before that.

So I would say this. Marrying a non-believer is a huge risk and it can work out. BUT if you have to pressure them to allow you to follow the tenets of your faith, they are not the right person for you. Period.

 

[ffg]

Probably be good to brush up on the teaching of the Church about kids, as it is not what you think (or at least what you wrote in the OP).

Doing things correctly does not equate to doing things always.

Be careful though, there are a lot of confused Catholics on the issue.

But with regard to the full issue of your OP, I agree with the person who put it simply at first.

There are plenty of people in the world, and there are plenty of events in which it is logical to find one that aligns with you.

I don’t have the experience of not being aligned with my wife in thoughts of morality or religion. That’s not to say we are aligned all the time, quite the opposite, takes a lot of communication to navigate life.

But to be aligned in morality is so important. As with probably everyone, I’ve seen the effects of not being aligned in our extended family where you find divorce and miserable-ness.

Just remember, you can pray for someone, but you can’t change them. So don’t look for a charity case for a spouse, look for someone who will fulfill you and together your life’s work will shine.

 

[Polluted]

Whoever said one comits a mortal sin by sleeping with their husband or wife that uses contraception…is false. You are not expected to refrain from sexual activity from your spouse.

 

[WillyAL]

I like to think marrying a non-Catholic Christian worked out pretty well for my husband. But I’m biased.

I must be biased too, because it seems that marrying a non-Catholic atheist worked out pretty good for my wife. While there is the occasional compromise to be made, but I can honestly say that our religious differences have never been a serious issue. That said, I think it very much depends on how strongly religious the two individuals are. If a daily-Mass-attending Catholic were to marry a Burning-For-the-Lord evangelical, they’d probably have a pretty rocky road to travel. On the other hand, two open-minded people who are willing to be supportive of each other can do pretty good together.

 

[WillyAL]

I make a habit of accompanying my wife to Mass every Sunday. I recall a particular Sunday where the scripture verse commanding wives to submit to their husbands was part of the readings. On the drive home there was a disagreement regarding where to stop for lunch, so I decided to invoke this bit of scriptural wisdom to strengthen my case. The resulting fit of hysterical laughter strongly suggested that I had been unsuccessful.

 

[agapewolf]

How sad.

Sub-mit: Sub=under. Mission. To place herself under the mission.

The husband’s mission is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Love means to will the good of the other person (which is heaven). Christ loved by dying. So the husband’s job is to get his wife to heaven even if it kills him. Her job is to allow him to do that.

I’d gladly submit to my (future) husband in this because I know he cares about my soul first and it is safe with him.

 

[agapewolf]

Well, seeing as how I’ve started putting it into practice already, I have a smidgeon of an idea.

And I didn’t make it up-- this is church teaching.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I must be biased too, because it seems that marrying a non-Catholic atheist worked out pretty good for my wife.

I’m biased too. Former SDA now atheist/agnostic married to a Catholic woman for two years now. I don’t see the big deal, provided each spouse is not towards the extremes of their view points and tries yo be respectful of the others beliefs or lack of I lack the ability to believe but I understand belief makes some people happy and let’s them cope with the struggles we have in life. She believes and goes to church most Sundays but realizes that life’s situations don’t always fit neatly into rules that are often rigid.

We do not need to completely agree with each other on everything as long as we are respectful of each other’s views.