Getting married to avoid sex out of marriage?

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AdriannaJean

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Hi All,

I’m in a dilemma. I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man. Our respect for one another is phenomenal; we click intellectually and emotionally. And we communicate fantastically. We have tried hard and many times to be chaste, sometimes for months at a time, but we always fail. It’s very disheartening. Now please don’t get all up in arms and conflate what goes on with pure lust. While I can’t say that lust doesn’t play a part, what we share sexually is an expression of love, commitment and intimacy first and foremost. I think that’s what makes it harder to abstain.

We’ve been together for a year and I’m 21 and he’s 24. I’m in my third year of college and he is graduated and has a successful career. I don’t have any doubt that we will get married eventually. My question is whether it’s a good idea to get married sooner rather than later to get us out of this awful cycle of attempts and failures at chastity.

Part of me feels like it’s the best solution, but the other part of me feels like it’s a dishonest reason to get married. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts? Your prayers would also be much appreciated.
 
AdriannaJean said:
Hi All,

I’m in a dilemma. I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man. Our respect for one another is phenomenal; we click intellectually and emotionally. And we communicate fantastically. We have tried hard and many times to be chaste, sometimes for months at a time, but we always fail. It’s very disheartening. Now please don’t get all up in arms and conflate what goes on with pure lust. While I can’t say that lust doesn’t play a part, what we share sexually is an expression of love, commitment and intimacy first and foremost. I think that’s what makes it harder to abstain.

We’ve been together for a year and I’m 21 and he’s 24. I’m in my third year of college and he is graduated and has a successful career. I don’t have any doubt that we will get married eventually. My question is whether it’s a good idea to get married sooner rather than later to get us out of this awful cycle of attempts and failures at chastity.

Part of me feels like it’s the best solution, but the other part of me feels like it’s a dishonest reason to get married. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts? Your prayers would also be much appreciated.
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Are you ready for the possibility of children at this time in your life?

Luna
 
Well, first off, readiness for children is not a prerequisite for marriage. The most often used example of an appropriate reason to use NFP is a couple that’s still in college and not ready to have children yet.

However, that being said, while having a child right now wouldn’t be ideal, we would be equipped to handle it should one come. He makes enough money to support a family and I have been a nanny for 4 families. We’ve discussed it.

Currently we don’t use any artificial birth control, and never have (which I know seems stupid; if you’re already fornicating it can’t hurt too much more to use a condom, but I just can’t stand the thought of our sex being anything less than a gift of the self, including the possibility of procreation).
 
AdriannaJean said:
Hi All,

I’m in a dilemma. I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man. Our respect for one another is phenomenal; we click intellectually and emotionally. And we communicate fantastically. We have tried hard and many times to be chaste, sometimes for months at a time, but we always fail. It’s very disheartening. Now please don’t get all up in arms and conflate what goes on with pure lust. While I can’t say that lust doesn’t play a part, what we share sexually is an expression of love, commitment and intimacy first and foremost. I think that’s what makes it harder to abstain.

We’ve been together for a year and I’m 21 and he’s 24. I’m in my third year of college and he is graduated and has a successful career. I don’t have any doubt that we will get married eventually. My question is whether it’s a good idea to get married sooner rather than later to get us out of this awful cycle of attempts and failures at chastity.

Part of me feels like it’s the best solution, but the other part of me feels like it’s a dishonest reason to get married. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts? Your prayers would also be much appreciated.
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I’m pretty sure there is a Bible verse that encourages one to get married if they cannot control themselves…

However. I don’t think lust is a good reason to get married. Also, you might want to consider not putting yourselves in the occasion of sin. No more unsupervised dates you two!!! You’ve already proven you can’t trust yourselves…
 
8 Now to the unmarrieda] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
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St Paul in the 1st letter to the Corinthians…
 
nickybr38 said:
No more unsupervised dates you two!!! You’ve already proven you can’t trust yourselves…
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I wish it were that simple. We both live in different cities from our families and both live on our own. Only seeing each other when supervised means not seeing one another at all.
 
Has your boyfriend proposed? If he has, then yes, you are acting as if you are married in terms of intimacy as well as readiness for children, so go and get married ASAP. What would you do if you happened to get pregnant? If he has not, why has he not proposed? You say he can support a family - he needs to go ahead and create a family. Are you secretly hoping to get pregnant to push the issue into moving ahead? You would not be the first person to hope for that.

Are you both Catholic?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Has your boyfriend proposed? If he has, then yes, you are acting as if you are married in terms of intimacy as well as readiness for children, so go and get married ASAP. What would you do if you happened to get pregnant? If he has not, why has he not proposed? You say he can support a family - he needs to go ahead and create a family. Are you secretly hoping to get pregnant to push the issue into moving ahead? You would not be the first person to hope for that.

Are you both Catholic?
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He hasn’t proposed, but we have talked about it and decided together that marriage is something we want for the two of us. To be perfectly honest, the reason he may not have proposed is that I come from divorced parents and have an almost irrational fear of divorce, which makes me skeptical about getting married young. My family would also be quite disappointed if I got married young so we’ve held off on an official engagement until we have a set date. The older I am when we announce the wedding, the less angry my family will be.

If we were to get pregnant, we’ve agreed that we would get married and start our family a little earlier than expected. It’s something we’re not trying for, but we’ve also accepted it as a possibility. And no, I’m not secretly hoping for pregnancy. In my ideal world we would be married hopefully for about 5 years before having kids, that way we would have a solid foundation in place before the inevitable earthquakes that come with children.

I’m Catholic. He was raised Catholic but is unsure about where he stands now, though he has promised that we would raise any children Catholic and he attends Mass with me.
 
AdriannaJean said:
Well, first off, readiness for children is not a prerequisite for marriage. The most often used example of an appropriate reason to use NFP is a couple that’s still in college and not ready to have children yet.

However, that being said, while having a child right now wouldn’t be ideal, we would be equipped to handle it should one come. He makes enough money to support a family and I have been a nanny for 4 families. We’ve discussed it.

Currently** we don’t use any artificial birth control, and never have (which I know seems stupid; if you’re already fornicating it can’t hurt too much more to use a condom, but I just can’t stand the thought of our sex being anything less than a gift of the sel**f, including the possibility of procreation).
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I say this in kindness: you need to educate yourself as to what the Church teaches about marriage and children.

Luna
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
I say this in kindness: you need to educate yourself as to what the Church teaches about marriage and children.

Luna
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I probably should have made myself clearer. I know that it is much better to not stack one sin on top of another (contraception on top of fornication). I was just relaying the sentiments expressed by many (admittedly, not Catholic) friends that I have tried to talk to about this. The idea that sex with contraception outside of marriage is worse than sex outside of marriage is a foreign concept to some and there seems to be an attitude of “well, if you’re already sinning…”

Trust me, if it weren’t for my understanding of Church teaching on marriage and children I wouldn’t be in such a dilemma. It’s a lot easier to discount the credibility of something one doesn’t understand. Because I understand it, I can’t just ignore it, which is why I’m where I am.
 
Hello.

Fornication is a mortal sin and places your immortal soul in danger of Hell.

I’ve enclosed two quotes, one from the Catholic Catechism and one biblical because they were easily found, but there are lots more which explain why fornication is wrong.

It IS a very good reason either to get married or to embrace another sort of chaste life.

Please don’t take this road.

Please keep me in your prayers. I will keep you in mine.
2353 Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young.
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But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted, as for murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their lot shall be in the lake that burns with fire and sulphur, which is the second death."
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AdriannaJean said:
I probably should have made myself clearer. I know that it is much better to not stack one sin on top of another (contraception on top of fornication). I was just relaying the sentiments expressed by many (admittedly, not Catholic) friends that I have tried to talk to about this. The idea that sex with contraception outside of marriage is worse than sex outside of marriage is a foreign concept to some and there seems to be an attitude of “well, if you’re already sinning…”

Trust me, if it weren’t for my understanding of Church teaching on marriage and children I wouldn’t be in such a dilemma. It’s a lot easier to discount the credibility of something one doesn’t understand. Because I understand it, I can’t just ignore it, which is why I’m where I am.
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I don’t think that’s what she’s referring to. I think she’s referring to your statement that you want sex to be nothing less than a complete giving of yourself when the CC teaches that all sex outside of marriage is nothing but selfishly taking from another, contraception or not.
 
My Fiance comes from a difficult background of divorced parents. I may not understand where you’re coming from but, believe me, I know he does. It was the exact reason why it took so long for him to want to propose.
Not only that but he had been engaged before he met me and it resulted in his Fiance cheating on him because he wanted to remain chaste…apparently she didn’t.

Needless to say, the idea of getting married terrified him. My Fiance and I were in a fairly similar situation. We were chaste for long periods of our relationship for a multitude of reasons, including military deployments, the fact that I was already practicing NFP for reasons that had nothing to do with the church (mostly granola/anti-hormone reasons) and because I refused to sleep with him for months in the beginning of the relationship because I wanted to develop a sense of love and respect first.

But we couldn’t stay chaste. It ended up with me moving in with him (before I learned that cohabitation was a serious sin) and then me finding out I was pregnant.

We had discussed the possibility of me becoming pregnant. We were both very equipped to handle a child financially but we realized we were in over our heads when it came to our relationship and our standing with our faith and the church. He did propose to me and we are getting married in a couple of months in the church. We are also attending RCIA and going to Mass together.

Abstaining has been very difficult and we’ve caved in a couple of times, even now. My advice is to talk to him and bring up the reality of the situation and look into getting married sooner then later. You’ll have a far better chance of having a successful marriage if you respect each other and stay away from cohabitation and remaining chaste for your engagement then just the set back that you are both young.
 
crenfro said:
Hello.

Fornication is a mortal sin and places your immortal soul in danger of Hell.

I’ve enclosed two quotes, one from the Catholic Catechism and one biblical because they were easily found, but there are lots more which explain why fornication is wrong.

It IS a very good reason either to get married or to embrace another sort of chaste life.

Please don’t take this road.

Please keep me in your prayers. I will keep you in mine.
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Thank you for your prayers. I am well aware that fornication is wrong. I’m trying to find the best way out of it.
 
I think you are putting your potential baby in a bad position. Your baby deserves to be conceived by married parents.😦

Chastity is hard, especially at 21 when you develop very strong emotions towards the person you are being intimate with. These emotions feel great, but they should come *after *you’ve discerned “This man will get me to heaven, and I will get him to heaven” and then committed in a marriage.

I did it backwards, although I was a technical virgin when we go married, we definitely were intimate in ways that were sinful. Although we are in the correct track now, it’s hard to discern when you have all those emotions attached to sexuality involved.

Instead of rushing into a marriage, I think you should take a break from intimacy. Discern if this man will help you on the path to heaven. It’s easier without the “hormones”

I mean this in charity, I hope I don’t seem mean.:o
 
AdriannaJean said:
Hi All,

I’m in a dilemma. I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man. Our respect for one another is phenomenal; we click intellectually and emotionally. And we communicate fantastically. We have tried hard and many times to be chaste, sometimes for months at a time, but we always fail. It’s very disheartening. Now please don’t get all up in arms and conflate what goes on with pure lust. While I can’t say that lust doesn’t play a part, what we share sexually is an expression of love, commitment and intimacy first and foremost. I think that’s what makes it harder to abstain.

We’ve been together for a year and I’m 21 and he’s 24. I’m in my third year of college and he is graduated and has a successful career. I don’t have any doubt that we will get married eventually. My question is whether it’s a good idea to get married sooner rather than later to get us out of this awful cycle of attempts and failures at chastity.

Part of me feels like it’s the best solution, but the other part of me feels like it’s a dishonest reason to get married. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts? Your prayers would also be much appreciated.
Click to expand...
Well the bible even says it’s better to marry then to burn so I would say yes if you feel strongly for the person consider them your future spouse already. I really don’t see the point of prolonged dating when you already know you want to marry someone but it’s fair to note that I’m also almost twice your age so my situation in life is probably different than yours. Just my 2 cents.
 
Kelfa28 said:
My Fiance comes from a difficult background of divorced parents. I may not understand where you’re coming from but, believe me, I know he does. It was the exact reason why it took so long for him to want to propose.
Not only that but he had been engaged before he met me and it resulted in his Fiance cheating on him because he wanted to remain chaste…apparently she didn’t.

Needless to say, the idea of getting married terrified him. My Fiance and I were in a fairly similar situation. We were chaste for long periods of our relationship for a multitude of reasons, including military deployments, the fact that I was already practicing NFP for reasons that had nothing to do with the church (mostly granola/anti-hormone reasons) and because I refused to sleep with him for months in the beginning of the relationship because I wanted to develop a sense of love and respect first.

But we couldn’t stay chaste. It ended up with me moving in with him (before I learned that cohabitation was a serious sin) and then me finding out I was pregnant.

We had discussed the possibility of me becoming pregnant. We were both very equipped to handle a child financially but we realized we were in over our heads when it came to our relationship and our standing with our faith and the church. He did propose to me and we are getting married in a couple of months in the church. We are also attending RCIA and going to Mass together.

Abstaining has been very difficult and we’ve caved in a couple of times, even now. My advice is to talk to him and bring up the reality of the situation and look into getting married sooner then later. You’ll have a far better chance of having a successful marriage if you respect each other and stay away from cohabitation and remaining chaste for your engagement then just the set back that you are both young.
Click to expand...
Thank you thank you thank you thank you! Knowing I’m not the only one is really comforting. Do you have any ideas about how I should bring up the topic of getting married sooner rather than later? I don’t want to infringe on his “manly” role of being the one to propose, but I also fear that he’s not going to do it anytime soon because of my fears (that he’s very sensitive to).
 
This is a simple problem. You have one of two choices, get married ASAP in the church, or go your separate ways permanently. Do not think you have a choice continuing as things are. Do not over complicate the matter.
 
AdriannaJean said:
I probably should have made myself clearer. I know that it is much better to not stack one sin on top of another (contraception on top of fornication). I was just relaying the sentiments expressed by many (admittedly, not Catholic) friends that I have tried to talk to about this. The idea that sex with contraception outside of marriage is worse than sex outside of marriage is a foreign concept to some and there seems to be an attitude of “well, if you’re already sinning…”

Trust me, if it weren’t for my understanding of Church teaching on marriage and children I wouldn’t be in such a dilemma. It’s a lot easier to discount the credibility of something one doesn’t understand. Because I understand it, I can’t just ignore it, which is why I’m where I am.
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Gotcha. 🙂

The reason why I brought up children in the first place is because whenever two people have sex there is always the possibility of pregnancy. 🤷 Planned or not, it just is what it is. And you have to ready for that…

And in my anecdotal experience there is a strong desire for children early on in committed sexual relationships (e.g., marriage). It’s very difficult to fight this emotional urge when the pocketbook and life circumstance suggest that now’s not the best time to begin a family.

Hence my question about being ready for children.

If you’re compatible with your boyfriend, if your value systems and life goals mesh, and you’ve talked about getting married, go for it.

But… If the two of you even suspect that the primary reason you want get married is so you can have sex, please proceed very carefully. (And please don’t forget that we’re able to justify just about anything to appease a physical desire, so make sure your motives are genuine.)

Luna
 
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