Getting married to avoid sex out of marriage?

[Mary_Gail_36]

Gotcha.

The reason why I brought up children in the first place is because whenever two people have sex there is always the possibility of pregnancy is there. Planned or not, it just is what it is. And you have to ready for that…

And in my anecdotal experience there is a strong desire for children early on in committed sexual relationships (e.g., marriage). It’s very difficult to fight this emotional urge when the pocketbook and life circumstance suggest that now’s not the best time to begin a family.

Hence my question about being ready for children.

If you’re compatible with your boyfriend, if your value systems and life goals mesh, and you’ve talked about getting married, go for it.

But… If the two of you even suspect that the primary reason you want get married is so you can have sex, please proceed very carefully. (And please don’t forget that we’re able to justify just about anything to appease a physical desire, so make sure your motives are genuine.)Luna

Agree completely.

 

[Luvz2travel]

This is a simple problem. You have one of two choices, get married ASAP in the church, or go your separate ways permanently. Do not think you have a choice continuing as things are. Do not over complicate the matter.

Ultimatums are never a good idea. Nobody wants to be told what to do. If it were me I would sit down with the guy and ask him where he see the relationship going. That way she knows what his intentions are and if marriage is his goal as well then maybe suggest soon rather than later but not until he has indicated if he wants that in the future. If he doesn’t know then moving on is something for her to think about.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

My advice is to be very careful. A guy will ask a woman to marry him regardless of if he thought the girl would say no if he really felt strongly about getting married to her and spending the rest of his life with her. When a man knows what he wants, he goes for it.

Why should he get married? He has all the benefits now of marriage and to actually ask you to get married would end the fun of sex with no string attached. Have you actually tried to see how he would react if you seriously held him to no sex anymore before marriage?

Ive known several in my family and friends to say they loved a guy and he loved her only for the man go missing as soon as the baby came. It is one of the big social problems we have. Be very careful because without committment, you open yourself up to single motherhood. Sure, he can seem great but it means nothing unless he puts a ring on the finger and gives himself the full time responsibility of leading a family.

 

[tafan]

Ultimatums are never a good idea. Nobody wants to be told what to do. If it were me I would sit down with the guy and ask him where he see the relationship going. That way she knows what his intentions are and if marriage is his goal as well then maybe suggest soon rather than later but not until he has indicated if he wants that in the future. If he doesn’t know then moving on is something for her to think about.

Oh, I was not saying she should give him an ultimatim. That is not it at all. But the two of them need to decide together, and individually, one of those two options. They are not able to continue seeing each other chastely outside of marriage. That is serious, very serious. If they truly want to be married to each other, that is what they should do. If not, they should call it quits. Their time of discernment is over, maybe that is unfortunate, but each of them are young. They will meet someone else if they are not for sure they are right for each other.
Sin brings unfortunate consequences. This time, it brings the fact that they cannot continue dating. It is truly a no-brainer.

No other advice is needed.

 

[Kelfa28]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you! Knowing I’m not the only one is really comforting. Do you have any ideas about how I should bring up the topic of getting married sooner rather than later? I don’t want to infringe on his “manly” role of being the one to propose, but I also fear that he’s not going to do it anytime soon because of my fears (that he’s very sensitive to).

Your welcome…

Just be careful because when I did bring up the idea of marriage he panicked and said a few things he didn’t mean to say and it resulted in a fight. I was also deployed during this conversation so that didn’t help.

The conversation started with the possibility of me becoming pregnant and how we would handle the situation. He was open to the idea and actually wanted to have a baby. I told him I wanted to get married sooner then later and was afraid he wouldn’t want to. The conversation backfired because while he was expressing his apprehension about going through with a wedding that included his divorced and warring parents, I was taking it as a statement that he didn’t want to get married…at all.

It hurt my feelings and it opened his eyes. While I don’t recommend being as blunt as I am and potentially starting a fight, I do believe you should be honest and tell him that this situation of remaining chaste is just not working and maybe bring up a conversation of the two of you getting married.

Does he read scripture? That was something I brought up with my Fiance because it was something he could identify with. He is a convert from being a evangelical Protestant and if there is one thing he does know it’s scripture. I did bring up a few verses, including Paul’s letter to the Corinthians and that was a fairly big deal to him…especially since I’m a lapsed Catholic who had very little knowledge of the bible (until recently). So me bringing up scripture and being right, made him listen.

I found a way to talk to him that he would understand. It took a couple of tries though.
My biggest advice to you. DO NOT move in with him until you are married. I don’t think you will, but it is the best advice I can give you. It severely complicated our relationship to the point where my Fiance was feeling comfortable and actually was willing to hold off marriage. He felt safe. No divorce and no cheating…so why get married?

His proposal was literally a month after I found out I was pregnant. He promised he was going to ask me to marry him, regardless of the pregnancy. It wasn’t the way I would have planned it but I do know that we are ready and we are far more comfortable with our standing in the church and with each other then we’ve ever been in the past. Our communication is better and we feel we have purpose together.

Good luck! I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[Castello]

Marriage is for the mutual benefit of the spouses, the procreation of children and relief of concupiscence.

What did St Paul say about it? (Hint… it is better to marry than to burn with lust).

So, if you are both Catholic, have both discerned you are called to marriage - then, why not begin preparation?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’ll write more on this later when I have access to my computer and not just my phone, but I think that this is a terrible idea, even (especially) from a Catholic perspective.

If spouses are supposed to get each other to heaven and you guys can’t even live chastely and protect each other’s virtue while dating why would you trust each other or yourselves to do it for life? You believe that premarital sex leads to hell yet you do it anyway?

Marriage requires chasity too.

 

[AdriannaJean]

Thank you all for the advice. I feel I should clear up a little bit of confusion that I caused through my lack of clarity. Our relationship is predominantly chaste. There have been hiccups, but the majority of the time we’re working hard at it. The question of “will he leave me if I stop having sex with him or if we have a baby” has never been an issue, because most of the time we’re not having sex. If he were to “not buy the cow because he’s getting the milk for free” then he would have ditched me at the beginning of our relationship.

And the question has always been when we’re getting married, not if we’re getting married. We decided some time ago that we wanted to marry one another. The question was whether we should wait until we’re at an age that’s more socially acceptable to marry at or if it’s better for us to just make the whole chastity issue easier for us.

We had a long chat tonight where we both reaffirmed that it was our intention to get married, but that both of us were skeptical that now was the right time to do it (I’m still in college) and decided that we were going to continue our efforts to be chaste. We’ll be getting married sometime over the next couple of years, but aren’t going to rush down the aisle because we messed up with chastity. We clearly just need to work on our inner strength and waiting a year or so will give us the time to do just that. We want our marriage to have a strong foundation, both in the amount of time we’ve spent together before we got married and in the strength our renewed attempts at chastity will give to us individually and as a couple. Rushing into marriage to solve a problem feels like a cop-out, one I’m not ready to take.

Thank you all for your advice and for your prayers.

 

[mandajane]

Thank you all for the advice. I feel I should clear up a little bit of confusion that I caused through my lack of clarity. Our relationship is predominantly chaste. There have been hiccups, but the majority of the time we’re working hard at it. The question of “will he leave me if I stop having sex with him or if we have a baby” has never been an issue, because most of the time we’re not having sex. If he were to “not buy the cow because he’s getting the milk for free” then he would have ditched me at the beginning of our relationship.

And the question has always been when we’re getting married, not if we’re getting married. We decided some time ago that we wanted to marry one another. The question was whether we should wait until we’re at an age that’s more socially acceptable to marry at or if it’s better for us to just make the whole chastity issue easier for us.

We had a long chat tonight where we both reaffirmed that it was our intention to get married, but that both of us were skeptical that now was the right time to do it (I’m still in college) and decided that we were going to continue our efforts to be chaste. We’ll be getting married sometime over the next couple of years, but aren’t going to rush down the aisle because we messed up with chastity. We clearly just need to work on our inner strength and waiting a year or so will give us the time to do just that. We want our marriage to have a strong foundation, both in the amount of time we’ve spent together before we got married and in the strength our renewed attempts at chastity will give to us individually and as a couple. Rushing into marriage to solve a problem feels like a cop-out, one I’m not ready to take.

Thank you all for your advice and for your prayers.

While I’m glad you have to have this talk, I’d mention that sometimes, it’s harder to wait, if you have discerned you want to marry someone. It will place a strain on you both, that marriage will alleviate.

I’ll be honest, my fiance and I have a lot of physical chemistry. Staying chaste has NOT been easy. We are getting married sooner rather than later specifically because of this issue. Though, I should tell you - we are a bit older than you two (we’re both 26).

 

[forhim_123]

Thank you all for the advice. I feel I should clear up a little bit of confusion that I caused through my lack of clarity. Our relationship is predominantly chaste. There have been hiccups, but the majority of the time we’re working hard at it. The question of “will he leave me if I stop having sex with him or if we have a baby” has never been an issue, because most of the time we’re not having sex. If he were to “not buy the cow because he’s getting the milk for free” then he would have ditched me at the beginning of our relationship.

And the question has always been when we’re getting married, not if we’re getting married. We decided some time ago that we wanted to marry one another. The question was whether we should wait until we’re at an age that’s more socially acceptable to marry at or if it’s better for us to just make the whole chastity issue easier for us.

We had a long chat tonight where we both reaffirmed that it was our intention to get married, but that both of us were skeptical that now was the right time to do it (I’m still in college) and decided that we were going to continue our efforts to be chaste. We’ll be getting married sometime over the next couple of years, but aren’t going to rush down the aisle because we messed up with chastity. We clearly just need to work on our inner strength and waiting a year or so will give us the time to do just that. We want our marriage to have a strong foundation, both in the amount of time we’ve spent together before we got married and in the strength our renewed attempts at chastity will give to us individually and as a couple. Rushing into marriage to solve a problem feels like a cop-out, one I’m not ready to take.

Thank you all for your advice and for your prayers.

You know what really helped my husband and I with chastity before we were married (we weren’t having sex, but were definitely going too far) was watching Christopher West’s Theology of the Body series. After watching it, it gave us the strength and understanding to not slip up again, and we didn’t even really know we were slipping up at the time! So thankful for it. Any of his series are great. He has a new one called “Freedom to Love” and I think your bf may enjoy it (you said he’s not practicing), because the main focus is human dignity and why sex before marriage (although many larger topics are discussed) is hurtful to each person, and all of society. It doesn’t preach “Sex is bad” it teaches “Sex is good! In the right context” It really helps you understand why the church teaches chastity and how it impacts us. It’s great! Seriously, I highly recommend it. You could even go to his webpage and check things out.

My prayers are with you. I know what it’s like to slip up… have strength my friend - holding out from here on in will be SOOO SO worth it. Trust me! I know this from experience

 

[mandajane]

My prayers are with you. I know what it’s like to slip up… have strength my friend - holding out from here on in will be SOOO SO worth it. Trust me! I know this from experience

I’ve heard it’s going to be totally worth it, too. I hope so. XD

 

[GraceDK]

Thank you all for the advice. I feel I should clear up a little bit of confusion that I caused through my lack of clarity. Our relationship is predominantly chaste. There have been hiccups, but the majority of the time we’re working hard at it. The question of “will he leave me if I stop having sex with him or if we have a baby” has never been an issue, because most of the time we’re not having sex. If he were to “not buy the cow because he’s getting the milk for free” then he would have ditched me at the beginning of our relationship.

I am curious as to how long you guys have known each other? Because in the beginning there isn’t that much truth in a relationship… the rosy glasses are on, and the imaginations about the other person are many. So although chastity is very important there, its certainly even as important later on, in the real get-to-know-one-another phase.

And the question has always been when we’re getting married, not if we’re getting married. We decided some time ago that we wanted to marry one another. The question was whether we should wait until we’re at an age that’s more socially acceptable to marry at or if it’s better for us to just make the whole chastity issue easier for us.

**I think what another poster said is important. If you keep falling, you will end up pregnant soon, so be prepared for that **.

We had a long chat tonight where we both reaffirmed that it was our intention to get married, but that both of us were skeptical that now was the right time to do it (I’m still in college) and decided that we were going to continue our efforts to be chaste. We’ll be getting married sometime over the next couple of years, but aren’t going to rush down the aisle because we messed up with chastity. We clearly just need to work on our inner strength and waiting a year or so will give us the time to do just that. We want our marriage to have a strong foundation, both in the amount of time we’ve spent together before we got married and in the strength our renewed attempts at chastity will give to us individually and as a couple. Rushing into marriage to solve a problem feels like a cop-out, one I’m not ready to take.

I do agree with that. I think many couples face this test as the first big temptation that they have to face together. therefore its a really good test as to how they will deal with later temptations and how much they are willing to sacrifice their own comfort for the good of each other and future family. It really is a temptation of lust and taking the easy way out in showing love. Oh yes, I know because I have been in that situation. When boyfriend seems a bit distant, you kiss him to get the connection back… and men will often say they express love through sexuality. Of course if you guys wanna protect each others souls, and if the guy cares that you get an education and your dreams fulfilled, then its a big issue to wait. My last boyfriend was not as serious about chastity as I was, and often when we crossed the line I would go to confession, and he would tell me it was okay that we weren’t perfect and then he would try to get us to cross the line again and again. I don’t know if any such thing is going on in your relationship, but this really did undermine my feelings of safety with this man, because I felt he didn’t respect me fully as a Christian lady, or really didn’t take me seriously. What I wish is a Catholic marriage where God and His ways are the centre of our life together… Since our relationship was not worthy of being called a Catholic courtship, I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit again and again saying: “Take a serious break”. Because the fact is we cannot really see the other person in truth if we are full of hormones and the psychological and physical attachment that comes with opening the sexual gift. However… it took me a loooong time to take that break from the man. I was so emotionally attached. And when I finally did get the distance, I saw that many more areas needed to get dealt with in our relationship before we would have the basis of that Christian marriage that I wanted.
Now we are not together anymore, and inspite of the very promising character of our relationship the first many months of dating, I will probably have to find another man. For that reason I am very happy I didn’t sleep with my ex. I guess what Im saying is: You are not married till you are married. And you don’t know each other that well as long as you have only known each other for 2 years… after that real life sets in.

Thank you all for your advice and for your prayers.

I hope all goes well with you. I don’t think we should leave people because of human mistakes. I think what concerns me most is the fact that your boyfriend is not practicing his faith. You wanna practice Natural Family Planning, or did you think about that? In marriage there will also be times of abstinence.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Thank you for your prayers. I am well aware that fornication is wrong. I’m trying to find the best way out of it.

Prayer, fasting and abstinence (and not just from sex). If you two can’t abstain from sex when you’re with each other, then you two can’t be together. It’s as simple as that. What if you get killed in a car accident before you go to Confession? Right now you’re putting yourself at risk for spiritual suicide. Getting married is just a band aide solution (and a bad one at that) to your problem. What you and your boyfriend experience when you have sex, is not love. It’s a chemical high that’s released from oxytocin and dopamin.

You and your boyfriend need to get control of your concupiscent appetites. The absolute last thing you two should be doing is contemplating marriage. You’re not ready for it. You yourself said you’re skeptical of marriage because of your parents’ divorce. Do you think priest is going to marry you because you can’t quit having sex with your boyfriend outside of marriage and this is your “solution to the problem”??? I can’t see how such a marriage would even be considered valid.

I question if you even understand the Church’s teaching on sex and its purpose. It’s primary purpose is for procreation. It’s an expression of love between a husband and a wife coming together as one flesh for the purpose of creating life. If you’re not ready and willing to be open to that now, then you’re not ready to get married.

As it is right now, your boyfriend is leading you down a highway to Hell, and you’re doing the same with your boyfriend. You know not the day nor the hour when you will pass from this life to the next. You two need to remain separated until you guys can get yourselves under control.

 

[AdriannaJean]

I am curious as to how long you guys have known each other? Because in the beginning there isn’t that much truth in a relationship… the rosy glasses are on, and the imaginations about the other person are many. So although chastity is very important there, its certainly even as important later on, in the real get-to-know-one-another phase.

Thank you for your concern. We have been dating for a year, but have been close friends for three years. We knew one another very well when we started dating so there wasn’t much of a “getting to know one another” stage at all.

When boyfriend seems a bit distant, you kiss him to get the connection back… and men will often say they express love through sexuality. Of course if you guys wanna protect each others souls, and if the guy cares that you get an education and your dreams fulfilled, then its a big issue to wait. My last boyfriend was not as serious about chastity as I was, and often when we crossed the line I would go to confession, and he would tell me it was okay that we weren’t perfect and then he would try to get us to cross the line again and again. I don’t know if any such thing is going on in your relationship, but this really did undermine my feelings of safety with this man, because I felt he didn’t respect me fully as a Christian lady, or really didn’t take me seriously. What I wish is a Catholic marriage where God and His ways are the centre of our life together… Since our relationship was not worthy of being called a Catholic courtship, I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit again and again saying: “Take a serious break”. Because the fact is we cannot really see the other person in truth if we are full of hormones and the psychological and physical attachment that comes with opening the sexual gift

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have also been in similar relationships, however this is not one of them. He has never pressured me for sex. I’m afraid I’m the one with the weakest will and am the initiator. Which, I know is not typical for the woman in a relationship, but there you have it, I have the sex drive of your average 14 year old male. In other relationships I have often felt God telling me, whenever I prayed, to get out of them. I’ve told God that if He asks I will leave, but every time I pray on it, I get the feeling I’m supposed to stay, which has not been the case in previous relationships.

I hope all goes well with you. I don’t think we should leave people because of human mistakes. I think what concerns me most is the fact that your boyfriend is not practicing his faith. You wanna practice Natural Family Planning, or did you think about that? In marriage there will also be times of abstinence.

It concerns me as well, but as I said above, every time I pray I get a strong sense that I’m supposed to stay. If that were not the case I would leave (as I have done in multiple other relationships). As it stands right now, we’re practicing NFP at the moment. And the periods of abstinence in marriage don’t really scare me off because we often go months at a time being abstinent now.

 

[AdriannaJean]

What you and your boyfriend experience when you have sex, is not love. It’s a chemical high that’s released from oxytocin and dopamin.

What an impoverished understanding of love. While I admit there is a difference between what we have and what is possible through a marriage, I find it insulting that you can sit there, having never met either of us or seen our relationship to make that kind of judgement. What do you think about the non-Christian couple that never gets married but lives together for their entire lives, respect each other, have a wonderful family life? Is their sex life nothing but a chemical high? I would think not. The bond of love (not simply of hormones) is something that God designed to accompany sex. It’s in our human nature to have access to that. Putting what all unmarried couples have (with regards to sex) on the same level as what someone would experience through a one-night-stand shows a massive failure on your part to imagine others complexly. I’m not saying that what we have is the way it ought to be, but to conflate it with pure lust is ignorant.

I can’t see how such a marriage would even be considered valid.

I question if you even understand the Church’s teaching on sex and its purpose…

Read the Code of Canon Law, a marriage is always presumed valid until an annulment process has been started. Marriage enjoys the favour of law. I’m currently finishing up a theology degree. I’ve taken classes both on sex, marriage and marriage in the Code of Canon Law. Again, don’t be so quick to judge. It causes unnecessary insult and grief.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What an impoverished understanding of love. While I admit there is a difference between what we have and what is possible through a marriage, I find it insulting that you can sit there, having never met either of us or seen our relationship to make that kind of judgement. What do you think about the non-Christian couple that never gets married but lives together for their entire lives, respect each other, have a wonderful family life? Is their sex life nothing but a chemical high? I would think not. The bond of love (not simply of hormones) is something that God designed to accompany sex. It’s in our human nature to have access to that. Putting what all unmarried couples have (with regards to sex) on the same level as what someone would experience through a one-night-stand shows a massive failure on your part to imagine others complexly.

Full disclosure: I am engaged to my best friend, we live together and regularly engage in sex guilt-free. The difference is that neither one of us believes that we are leading the other to hell. You can bet that if we did sex is the last thing I would do. I love him and keeping him from eternal suffering would be my number one priority.

That’s why I personally have a hard time believing that its real love. You repeatedly put your “14 year old boy” sex drive before the eternal well being of your boyfriend.

 

[AdriannaJean]

Full disclosure: I am engaged to my best friend, we live together and regularly engage in sex guilt-free. The difference is that neither one of us believes that we are leading the other to hell. You can bet that if we did sex is the last thing I would do. I love him and keeping him from eternal suffering would be my number one priority.

That’s why I personally have a hard time believing that its real love. You repeatedly put your “14 year old boy” sex drive before the eternal well being of your boyfriend.

Thank you for your honesty, but I’m afraid your understanding of what I believe about Hell isn’t correct. Every time I go to confession and say that I’ve had sex and that I know it’s a mortal sin I get corrected by the priest. Sex outside of marriage has the potential to be a mortal sin, if you use it to cut yourself off from God. There are many mitigating factors that can make a potentially mortal sin not actually a mortal sin. There’s this misconception abounding that there are a list of mortal sins and if you have ever done any of them then you’re in a state of mortal sin, but that’s just simply not the case. There is a list of mitigating factors as long as my arm (which, granted, isn’t a particularly long arm, but the measure of it will suffice ). Neither of us is cut off from God’s love because of mistakes we have made, because we make God’s love a part of our lives. The “do anything on the list of mortal sins and die before confession then go to hell” model is a parody and caricature of true Catholic teaching, which is nuanced.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Thank you for your honesty, but I’m afraid your understanding of what I believe about Hell isn’t correct. Every time I go to confession and say that I’ve had sex and that I know it’s a mortal sin I get corrected by the priest. Sex outside of marriage has the potential to be a mortal sin, if you use it to cut yourself off from God. There are many mitigating factors that can make a potentially mortal sin not actually a mortal sin. There’s this misconception abounding that there are a list of mortal sins and if you have ever done any of them then you’re in a state of mortal sin, but that’s just simply not the case. There is a list of mitigating factors as long as my arm (which, granted, isn’t a particularly long arm, but the measure of it will suffice ). Neither of us is cut off from God’s love because of mistakes we have made, because we make God’s love a part of our lives. The “do anything on the list of mortal sins and die before confession then go to hell” model is a parody and caricature of true Catholic teaching, which is nuanced.

You are doing it with full knowledge that its wrong, and you are giving full consent. Its my understanding that that’s pretty much all it takes. And the fact that you know its wrong but you seem to be looking for a mitigating loophole of sorts strikes me as extra wrong.

 

[twoangels]

Getting married is a big deal. Its important to recognize that dating is a process of discernment. It should not be used as a time to seek the emotional gratification of marriage merely without even the sexual activity. It is a time to guard your heart. Imagine it as an excited puppy who wants to run into the street. You need to train that puppy to heel and to actually be a good sort of seeing eye dog so that it doesn’t lead or pull you into the street to only get hit by traffic. Dating is a time of holding that dog back and looking and listening. You know where you’re heart wants to lead you, but you have to decide whether its a good and safe direction to go. Refraining from sexual activity is a part of that equation, but merely refraining from fornication is not enough. Remember, when Christ spoke of marriage, the culture he was speaking to had arranged marriages. Dating is our invention and even without living together, treating your boyfriend as a spouse-like companion is where the problem of fornication in dating relationships fits in (as opposed to hooking up with random strangers or friends with benefits).

Here are the problems

1. He hasn’t proposed but you’re “certain” you’re going to marry him and are already planning your future around that idea. Mentally this minimizes the division between boyfriend and future spouse. Indeed you may be thinking of him as more of your future spouse than your boyfriend. However thinking of him this way internalizes him to be far more like a spouse in your mind than a boyfriend. Its like how if we read a news report that says “The accused killer fled the scene of the crime” we have a tendency to think of the individual as the killer more than if we read “The suspect fled the scene of the crime.” The adjective is just an add on. It qualifies the noun and as such “future spouse” is almost no different than saying “handsome spouse” or “annoying spouse” or “widowed spouse.” We’re still saying that person is indeed our spouse.
2. Because we can think of our boyfriend as our future spouse, we put marriage as our ultimate goal. This keeps us from actually discerning the relationship and judging whether or not the person would be a good spouse. Instead the goal becomes committing to the relationship and trying to make it work out till you successfully get to your wedding day without breaking up.
3. Because again you would be thinking and committed to him and emotionally enamoured with him more like a spouse and less like a boyfriend, it is only nature that you’re would want to consumate that relationship and express the love between the two of you. This makes chastity difficult because emotionally you’re being unchaste and you’re only going for the physical chastity. Then the repeated failures at chastity make it harder and harder to avoid.

Let’s get a few things straight in regard to marriage. First, marriage is a sacrament conferred on each other by the man and woman. They exchange their matrimonial consent and are married. To verify that they have indeed done this, this exchange of consent must be done in the presense of witnesses. Without these witnesses, anyone could start saying “Oh she was just a fling. I wasn’t really married to her” when the relationship didn’t turn out the way they wanted. The Church has regulated that either a priest or a deacon act as the official Church witness in addition to two lay witnesses. It is then at the wedding that matrimonial consent is given. We are not free to give this matrimonial consent outside of the Church or in secret. Such attempts are automatically as invalid as trying to marry your brother or sister. And as such the Church does not let us marry in non-Catholic facilities without permissions and those permissions are restrictive.

 

[twoangels]

continued:

What a lot of people do not understand is that “comitting” to a boyfriend as if he were a spouse and thinking of him as a spouse is an ATTEMPT at exchanging matrimonial consent. We are not permitted to do this. Of course, our attempts at this are invalid and certainly because there are no witnesses to verify that we are doing this, there is no option of a convalidation. But it is important that we do not turn our dating relationships into anything more than discernment.

As I reminded myself daily while I was dating my husband, my husband was first and foremost my friend. As a Catholic and Christian he was my spiritual brother. So a strong bond of friendship formed. Certainly there was physical attraction, but I reminded myself that my contact with him was to enjoy his company primarily as a friend with whom I was courting (discerning marriage with). If I discerned out of it, I had to be free of extra emotional attachments or motivations that might make it too difficult to break up with him. I had to make sure that I truly wanted to marry him because of who he is, not merely that I just wanted to get married or because I couldn’t bare the thought of seperating from him and wanted a way to morally rationalize sexual behavior.

What both of you have to decide is what the purpose of your relationship is. Are you both delaying marriage unnecessarily? Is it merely for convention that you are not married because society’s standards are that marriage be a celebration of a commitment and love that has successfully lasted for enough years that it deserves public recognition. Is it because others feel that a relationship that has only been going on for one year that has been experienced by a younger individual who may still be idealistic about the future isn’t something with enough guarentee that it can last to deserve public celebration? Is it because of wanting to prepare financially for an expensive wedding? If that is the case, there may be no reason to wait. Waiting may indeed be damaging to your spiritual development.

However, if the real reason is that you have not actually properly discerned marriage, are too young yet to know what qualties you want in a spouse, still need time to prepare your life in other ways before you’re ready for marital responsibilities, than getting married to avoid sexual temptation isn’t a good thing. Moreover, believing you can get married and use NFP for 5 years before you have kids is unrealistic especially considering your lack of self control prior to marriage. Chastity doesn’t end when you get married. Regardless of where you are in life, that puppydog of sexual desire that is dragging you on a leesh has to be trained whether you’re unmarried or not. And in marriage its not just your puppydog. Its also your spouses.

As such, my recommendation is that you step back and reconsider how you are approaching dating relationships and marriage. Maybe even take a break on dating a bit. Don’t put such a heavy priority on “I can’t abandon this relationship.” He’s not your spouse and that is not a very discerning attitude. So take a step back, talk to your boyfriend about your ideas for the future, what you’d want in a marriage, your values in waiting toward marriage, your feelings about the sexual activity and your desire to live chastely. Figure out if you are both on the same page and what actual page that is. Then use that to discern what direction to take. You may decide that it is time to end the relationship entirely because your life goals and dreams simply are not compatible. You may decide on a time table of discernment. “Let’s give each other this many months and if we still are not sure, go our seperate ways.”

For further reading I’d recommend “Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar” which is a reader containing selections of readings about the evolution of the courtship and dating traditions and how they’ve influenced and have slowly dismantled our understanding of marriage. It has a very interesting section containing traditional religious vows that have been around for centuries with the types of vows couples today write for their own personalized ceremonies. This illustrates the growing trend and destruction of marriage that began with the eroding of the dating/courtship process and a falsification of the nature of romantic love.