Getting Married Young

[Rach620]

Does God ever call someone to this? I don’t really believe God would ever call two people to a marriage where they would HAVE to practice NFP for a period of time right off the bat. “Serious reasons” are something that just “happens” to the couple - they are not reasons brought on by ourselves by our own choices, are they?

And be careful about “it is the couple’s decision”. Yes it is, but there is some objectivity to it. Conscience always has to be formed according to the moral law.

Yes, I believe God does call people to work in the world in fields which require considerable education and preparation. Does that necessarily mean that pregnancy is to be avoided at all costs during graduate school (or medical school or law school) for every person? Of course not. But finishing one’s education certainly provides a ‘just’ reason for most couples to delay pregnancy for a short while.

I do not believe a couple should marry with the intention of *indefinitely *postponing pregnancy. That’s not the purpose of marriage. Nor should a couple marry if they *know *that they will not be in the position to support/accept children lovingly.

From what I have read and heard on the matter, the Church finds nothing wrong with a newly married couple choosing to postpone first pregnancy in order to complete schooling, IF they are otherwise open to life, approach it in a spirit of discernment, and are able to support a child if given such an incredible gift from God.

Our ‘choices’ in regards to careers, just as our ‘choices’ in our spouses, are not simply ours. They are the result of our discerning the will of God. Married couples are endowed with reason, freedom, and responsibility in discerning when they are called to have children. There’s much to be said for immediately having a baby, just as there is much to be said for waiting a short while, getting things (necessary, financial/educational things) in order, and then procreating with reckless abandon .

 

[Rach620]

To the OP, and others:

I found this article on the matter, and I have personally found it very helpful.

Blessings,
Rach

 

[Just_wondering]

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 29, so I don’t exactly fall into your age limits, but we’ve decided to wait to get married until we’re in a position to have children, rather than getting married at a time when we couldn’t really support them.

It drives me nuts knowing that we can’t be married yet, but I’m doing graduate school at night and paying for it with my day job. Right now, my boyfriend’s job wouldn’t be able to support us, even if I quit grad school, although he’s looking for a better one. My graduate degree will be an important safety net for our family, so we don’t want to be put into a position of my having to give it up to have a baby, as much as I’d love one (or six!).

At first, we thought about getting married before I finished and waiting to have a child, but it just made more sense for us to delay the wedding. My mother always told me that if I wasn’t ready to raise a child, I wasn’t ready to have sex, and I agree with her even within the bounds of marriage. Once we get married, we’ll be able to joyfully accept as many children as come along, instead of worrying about the possibility of pregnancy.

Of course, that’s my personal decision, with travel, work, and education experiences under my belt already. I think every couple needs to decide this for themselves.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Our ‘choices’ in regards to careers, just as our ‘choices’ in our spouses, are not simply ours. They are the result of our discerning the will of God.

True, but how many people miss out on the will of God with regards to their vocation? I know you (and most other people) say most always are right on the money when it comes to discerning God’s will. I would disagree. Just look at mixed marriages - Scripture and Church Tradition teach that this is never God’s will (and look how many mixed marriages are out there).

 

[Michael_Saint]

Yes, I believe God does call people to work in the world in fields which require considerable education and preparation. .

I believe that God also calls people to work in the world in field which require considerable education and preparation. I believe he also calls those people to self-control until such time as they can have children, and to wait until they are ready to pursue a relationship.

Reminds me of a story Jason Evert told (Catholic Answers staff - speaks to thousands of teens every year on this topic). He said he asked a girl to marry him, but when they spoke to her parents, they said that although they very much liked him and the relationship, they did not feel the timing was right. He was two years from graduation, and she was, I think, three years from it. So Jason and his girlfriend decided to wait, and that if it was God’s will, it would happen. They ended up breaking up, and Jason a couple years later met Chrystalina, and she was the ONE that God wanted him to marry. You can find the story at www.pureloveclub.com, or the “Chastity” link on the Catholic Answers website.

One who is not willing to do this is demonstrating a lack of self-control, and I would say some degree of selfishness for going after the “perks” of marriage without wanting the responsibility of children for a number of years.

 

[Michael_Saint]

My mother always told me that if I wasn’t ready to raise a child, I wasn’t ready to have sex, and I agree with her even within the bounds of marriage.

Right on the money. And though the Church had not said anything officially, I believe if you apply the Christian principles, this is exactly what the Church would teach.

Here is the problem today - instead of really desiring to do the righ thing and embracing the reason for the Church’s teachings, Catholics today still harbour the same selfishness that contracepting couples do and delay children for the same reasons, but they use NFP thinking that makes it okay.

 

[Julianna]

With as many women posting on here about age, waiting for marriage or postponing children because of school, college and grad school. And then stating that when you get married and have children you will be a sahm.

I just have to ask, “Why are putting all your time, stress, effort and thousands of dollars into an education that you aren’t going to use?” Seems pointless, unless you are going to be the bread winner in the family and dad is going to stay home. I’m a bit confused on this.

Some say “I’m postponing marriage until I get my degree or even grad degree, (masters, phd, et al)…and then we’ll get married and have lots of kids and I’ll be a sahm”. Last I knew you don’t need a masters degree to be a mother.

If I spent all that money, time and effort…I would be working. Someone has got to pay all those student loans off. I am hoping you all wouldn’t expect your husbands to do that.

Island Oak, I thought your answer was great! In my case we waited 2 yrs after we were married to have children. Some people forget the costs involved and there are plenty. That needs to be taken into consideration.

 

[Brady_W]

I think the best advice one could get on this issue is to read Kimberly Hahn’s “Life Giving Love”, pretty much an amazing book.

 

[Just_wondering]

With as many women posting on here about age, waiting for marriage or postponing children because of school, college and grad school. And then stating that when you get married and have children you will be a sahm.

I just have to ask, “Why are putting all your time, stress, effort and thousands of dollars into an education that you aren’t going to use?” Seems pointless, unless you are going to be the bread winner in the family and dad is going to stay home. I’m a bit confused on this.

Some say “I’m postponing marriage until I get my degree or even grad degree, (masters, phd, et al)…and then we’ll get married and have lots of kids and I’ll be a sahm”. Last I knew you don’t need a masters degree to be a mother.

If I spent all that money, time and effort…I would be working. Someone has got to pay all those student loans off. I am hoping you all wouldn’t expect your husbands to do that.

I’ve wondered this question myself! I guess there are several reasons, for myself:

1. 
   *]I am not sure I’d like to be a full-time sahm. I know I love my job teaching English as a Foreign Language, so I’m making sure I have the qualifications to do it in North America, so I have the option.
   *]My boyfriend doesn’t have such a great job right now. I want to make sure that if he is without work or underemployed, I can support the family, as much as neither of us would prefer that option.
   *]There is always the possibility, God forbid, that my future husband will be injured or die before our children are raised. I need to be able to support my family, and a master’s degree helps me do that.
   *]I may not be able to conceive right away or ever. It just makes sense to have a well-paying job so that we can save for the future while I’m able to work.
   *]A degree in education can never go to waste. Either we have lots of children and I apply the concepts I’ve learned in raising our children, or we can’t have children and I use my degree in my career. Either way, my education is valuable to me.
   
   And since I’m paying for my degree in cash (ouch!) I’m not going to have any student loans for my poor future husband to pay off!

 

[RWMorris]

Nodito,
I got married in college (undergrad) at age 20. Yes, I was young and it was a bit scary turning my will over to God’s about when to have babies. But I deeply loved my then-fiance and decided to marry him anyway without waiting. I am so glad I did! We have had a wonderful 22 years and things just keep getting better.
I did have babies right away, in fact we had a “honeymoon baby”, but we were both ecstatic that God had blessed our union with a child.
I went on to finish college and was on the Dean’s List when I graduated with a 3.7 GPA. This was with several children (I had four at the time). The babies didn’t hold me back at all; in fact, I had a strong desire to finish college just to be a good example for them to follow. And my husband was VERY supportive and downright insistent that I finish school.
Having a “large” family hasn’t hurt my career any at all - in fact, it has had the opposite effect. My family has always been very supportive of my career (I am a professional musician) in spite of the unusual hours I must work. My husband has filled in the gaps most of the time, and when the children were a lot younger, I usually had a mother’s helper (these are very easy to find, just post in your church bulletin). We may have lived on beans and rice, but having some help in the house was worth it!
To sum up, if you are truly in love with this man, whatever happens in your marriage will be blessed if you let your relationship be God-centered. Even babies that are conceived before you are “ready” for it! Don’t be afraid!
Also, NFP has a very high success rate for postponing conception until after you finish your graduate program. Although we used NFP to HAVE babies rather than time them. Even though I was in school, I just wanted babies, babies, babies. But I managed to balance everything fine.

 

[MooCowSteph]

With as many women posting on here about age, waiting for marriage or postponing children because of school, college and grad school. And then stating that when you get married and have children you will be a sahm.

I just have to ask, “Why are putting all your time, stress, effort and thousands of dollars into an education that you aren’t going to use?” Seems pointless, unless you are going to be the bread winner in the family and dad is going to stay home. I’m a bit confused on this.

Some say “I’m postponing marriage until I get my degree or even grad degree, (masters, phd, et al)…and then we’ll get married and have lots of kids and I’ll be a sahm”. Last I knew you don’t need a masters degree to be a mother.

If I spent all that money, time and effort…I would be working. Someone has got to pay all those student loans off. I am hoping you all wouldn’t expect your husbands to do that.

Island Oak, I thought your answer was great! In my case we waited 2 yrs after we were married to have children. Some people forget the costs involved and there are plenty. That needs to be taken into consideration.

It’s my opinion that an education is never a waste of time or money. That’s even if you want to be a SAHM. I made back what I invested in my education in the first year I worked. After college I worked for about 3 years before becoming a SAHM. What if I were widowed with kids? What if my husband fell ill? What if I hated being a SAHM or was terrible at it? An education is very important.

 

[Calliso]

With as many women posting on here about age, waiting for marriage or postponing children because of school, college and grad school. And then stating that when you get married and have children you will be a sahm.

I just have to ask, “Why are putting all your time, stress, effort and thousands of dollars into an education that you aren’t going to use?” Seems pointless, unless you are going to be the bread winner in the family and dad is going to stay home. I’m a bit confused on this.

Some say “I’m postponing marriage until I get my degree or even grad degree, (masters, phd, et al)…and then we’ll get married and have lots of kids and I’ll be a sahm”. Last I knew you don’t need a masters degree to be a mother.

If I spent all that money, time and effort…I would be working. Someone has got to pay all those student loans off. I am hoping you all wouldn’t expect your husbands to do that.

Island Oak, I thought your answer was great! In my case we waited 2 yrs after we were married to have children. Some people forget the costs involved and there are plenty. That needs to be taken into consideration.

It may seem like a waste if you are just going to stay home…but gettign a good education is still a very good idea. I mean what if the husband dies? or leaves his wife or they get a divorce? She would very likely end up with the kids and being a single mom and trying to get a good job with no college degree is very hard. Just ask my mom because that is what she experienced.

 

[Michael_Saint]

I mean what if the husband dies? or leaves his wife or they get a divorce?.

If you are a good Catholic girl, and you get an education thinking, “well, what if my husband leaves me or we get a divorce”, I would say that girl has to give her head a shake and make darn sure she marries the right guy.

 

[hasikelee]

Hi friends,

I’ve been concerned about something the last couple of weeks and I thought that I could use encouragement from a group of strong well-rounded pro-life Catholics such as yourselves.

I’m engaged to a wonderful, very hold Catholic man. We’re to be married this August and have been discussing plans for children. Because we differ in our understanding of just causes for NFP, he feels that we should not abstain at all until we have more serious reasons to do so, whereas I … well, I’m scared. I’m 23 with one more year of graduate school left and very little work experience. I feel torn between marrying the man I love now and wanting to be kid-free for a while longer. I worry that I won’t have any support from friends or family if I get pregnant right away, and that I’ll resent my children for keeping me at home when there’s still a lot outside of the home that I’d like to accomplish. On the other hand, both of us would like to have a large family and we feel that our children could benefit from having young, active parents.

I realize the decisions to marry or not marry or have children or not have children are highly personal ones and not to be made over the internet, and that is not my intention. Rather, I could really use stories of hope and encouragement from any of you that got married young or had children at a young age. Likewise, is there anything I should be considering that I haven’t thought of already? And finally, if I could be so bold as to ask for your prayers that we discern rightly God’s will for our lives, I would be very grateful.

God bless.

Where exactly do you fears lie?

I’m married in college, but we resolved the issue of college life because we both have work experience and our degrees are a bit more flexible. For example, I am already switching over to the school’s online classes so I can complete my degrees with our baby. It will be a degree from the institution, not an online mill. I am super excited as I never liked the “college experience.”

That being said, if you are in grad school for science/medicine, than having a baby right now would be unwise due to all the chem lab courses as they could expose a pre-born child to danger.

Your worries show a specific perception of pregnancy and motherhood. Do you know where you learned these ideas from? Or who was an example to you? Perhaps finding a professional mom’s group, where the women are all high-profile, graduate-educated, career women with children will give you some insights into other lifestyles with children.

 

[Calliso]

If you are a good Catholic girl, and you get an education thinking, “well, what if my husband leaves me or we get a divorce”, I would say that girl has to give her head a shake and make darn sure she marries the right guy.

Yes ideally one should try their best to marry the right guy. But you can;t predict the future. You cannot know for 100% certain that something bad wonlt happen. I mean I am sure there are alot of people that get married and then divorced that were utterly convinced at the time of their marriage that he or she was the ONE. We have to remember that no one is perfect everyone has faults. And not everyone will be able to find the perfect man or woman. Ideally most would be careful enough to find someone that would never divorce them or leave them, but once again you can;t guarentee anything, so making sure you have a education so you can get a job that you can support yourself on is a good idea.

 

[Guitar]

If you are a good Catholic girl, and you get an education thinking, “well, what if my husband leaves me or we get a divorce”, I would say that girl has to give her head a shake and make darn sure she marries the right guy.

What, like one that won’t get cancer or step in front of a bus? Got a good line in crystal balls, have you?

If a woman has the ability to look out for herself financially and chooses to be a SAHM or whatever, great, but no one has the right to take that choice away from her before she is mature enough to have any concept of what it might mean to her in the future. The women in my mother’s family all made do with female blue-collar wages and I spent my first few years of employment alongside people of both genders with little education, and it wasn’t pretty for any of them. And since mothers are the first educators of their children, even on that basis there is enormous value in an education for women, particularly one that teaches you to think analytically. What I’ve learned in my engineering career is a thought process that can truly be applied to anything. Whilst recognising that it takes so much more than an education to raise a child well, how can anyone say there is no value in educating the primary educators of children?

I married halfway through a part-time engineering degree at age 20 and to be honest I wasn’t the earth-mother type and did not “want” children on the emotional level … but at the intellectual level I understood about children being part of marriage and knew that God would provide the graces needed should that come about. The relationship had, however reached a point where we either married or went our separate ways - that’s the way it was for us. The issue worried me as the only examples of motherhood I had were along the lines of my own mother who did not want/need/could not conceive of there being anything else in life once one became a mother. Without denigrating “full-time motherhood” in any way, however, it has to be said that the female side of her family turned every little detail of the whole business into an over-the-top time-consuming, existence-justifying ritual. (My mum was a loving genuine mum but she did absorb some of her family’s habits, though not their motivations.) I had worked long and hard towards my ticket to independence from my family of origin and it was important to me to know I had reasonable control over my future direction in life in case of things not working out as I’d envisaged. (Much of an engineer’s life is tied up in contingency planning for the what-ifs!) It wasn’t till much later that I met engineers with masters degrees and doctorates and children and realised maybe it wasn’t such an issue as I’d been led to think.

It was NFP for us till I finished my degree (and I have been the breadwinner for all but four of the 23 years) but as it turned out after investigations years later we were infertile anyway and probably had been all along. So I don’t think I can help the OP much other than by saying it was an intellectual head-over-heart decision to trust in God. Which I suppose isn’t really such a bad answer after all.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Yes ideally one should try their best to marry the right guy. But you can;t predict the future. You cannot know for 100% certain that something bad wonlt happen. I mean I am sure there are alot of people that get married and then divorced that were utterly convinced at the time of their marriage that he or she was the ONE. We have to remember that no one is perfect everyone has faults. And not everyone will be able to find the perfect man or woman. Ideally most would be careful enough to find someone that would never divorce them or leave them, but once again you can;t guarentee anything, so making sure you have a education so you can get a job that you can support yourself on is a good idea.

They might as well just sign a pre-nup too then, eh?

 

[Michael_Saint]

What, like one that won’t get cancer or step in front of a bus? Got a good line in crystal balls, have you?

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

 

[Calliso]

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

Actually I seriously need to go back to school myself and my reason is just that that myhusband might die before I do and I will have to support myself.

 

[tapiocapudding]

This thread is very reassuring to me as well as I’m in a similar situation. I’m 22 and having my first in a couple of months. I finished college last year and worked this year and I’m not sad at all to be leaving my job. I’ve never been that interested in travel, I’m sort of a homebody anyhow and I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember. But I see all my friends make plans to go camping or to go away on the weekends and I’m sad about missing out on that. I love my husband so much though and I adore my baby and I couldn’t spend one second regretting his existence. I know it will be hard (this pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned… we did things kind of backwards) and we are very poor. But I’m already totally head over heels in love with our baby and I know things will work out somehow.
It is reassuring to know that you can still do a lot of the things you used to enjoy with a baby. I was worried my friends wouldn’t want to invite me to stay over on weekends anymore but they’re all talking about getting portable cribs and how they’re all going to be ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’. I hope it works out. My biggest fear with having kids is that I’m going to be lonely and isolated.
Anyways, it’s great to hear all your stories!
ETA: I got my degree more to get an education and enrich my life rather than for its use in the job market. A bachelor of arts isn’t worth all that much anyhow, at least not where I live. I hope to go back to school one day to be a midwife once my kids are older.