Getting Married Young

[Guitar]

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

Incorrect.

Most get a degree because they want to and have career aspirations but I know women who aimed to be SAHW&Ms who acquired a qualification first on exactly that basis - prudent future planning. These women aren’t “no one”. Some of them had family members who’d had to raise children on low wages after a husband’s death or injury or depend on the goodwill of their extended families to help them out.

 

[Guitar]

Missed the edit time window!

Additional comment:

My very traditional SAH mother was mad keen for me to get a degree (which I wanted anyway, independent of her aspirations) for the specific and frequently-stated reason that it would give me a good fallback position if I were ever left supporting children on my own.

She regarded the traditional family as the ideal but had seen enough death, injury and abandonment in her extended family to make her want financial independence for me. My mother wasn’t the only woman of her generation to want that extra security for own daughter that she’d never had herself, and all the way through my schooling she reminded me often that it was important to study hard so that I could look out for myself no matter what … “so you’ll never be dependent on a man for a meal ticket” she would say. Some women in her family almost literally had been. And she was the most un-feminist woman you could ever come across, so it was not an anti-male stance.

So I grew up with it in front of my face, not in the back of my mind, even though that wasn’t my own primary motivation for tertiary study.

 

[MooCowSteph]

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

It was very much in my mind as I finished my degree. As I stated earlier, I don’t ever think a college degree is a waste of time and money. I mean really, with that logic, why even finish highschool? And in tofay’s world, a BA degree is like a highschool diploma was 15 or 20 years ago. Now everyone wants to know what your master’s degree is in.

 

[journey137]

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

That is exactly why I changed my degree program to education from research biology. I wanted something with a little more staying power (if you don’t use a reserach biology degree within a couple of years, it’s useless but that’s not the case with teaching). If my husband dies or gets injured and cannot work, someone will have to support our family and that leaves either me or the future kids. Personally I think I’m the better choice. By the way, I’m 22 so I think I qualify as a young girl still.

 

[ack]

And in tofay’s world, a BA degree is like a highschool diploma was 15 or 20 years ago.

So you’re saying that me having a Bachelors of Science degree makes me the equivalent of a high school dropout…

 

[Just_wondering]

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

If I may join in the “I disagree” crowd, I will also chime in. When I first went to college, it was because I like learning, I wanted the security that comes with having a college degree, and I wanted a career. I was not considering being a sahm anytime soon, but I did make part of my decision based on jobs that can be done from home, or that can be part time. I also considered the possibility that I might be alone or supporting a family in the future. Life is unpredictable.

Now that I’m going back for my master’s degree, part of my reasoning is that I might outlive my future husband. None of his male relatives have lived past 50. I hope and pray that it won’t be the case with my future husband (his family is from a third world country, so when we live in Canada his chances should be better) but I have to consider the possibility. Besides, it just makes sense. There are car accidents. People are injured. Jobs are lost. People get depressed and mental illness isn’t as uncommon as you’d think. I know lots of women who thought they’d never have to work again who ended up supporting their families. I know I’d rather be prepared and trained in a field that will always be in demand than be washing dishes or assembling radios to feed myself and any kids I might have.

 

[MomaMary8]

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

Not to keep beating a dead horse, but that is the exact reason why I continued going to my classes after being married with a new baby! Sometimes the baby went to class with me, or I would meet DH in the hallway so he could have our little babe (his classes would finish as mine began on some days).
My primary goal was to get my degree “just in case.”

 

[MooCowSteph]

So you’re saying that me having a Bachelors of Science degree makes me the equivalent of a high school dropout…

No, a highschool graduate! Seriously, though, DH doesn’t have a college degree and it’s very hard for him to find a decent job, even with all his great work experience. Everyone wants you to have a degree these days, even if it has nothing to do with the job you’re applying for.

 

[hasikelee]

Seriously, no one gets a degree thinking the hubby might die before them and they would have that to fall back on to support themselves and whatever kids might have. Not even in the back of a young girl’s mind.

This is a huge reason for a lot of women I meet in school, even more liberal or independent girls who are not Catholic and planning to marry.

I want to get a degree because growing up in my family has shown my that with the right tools, you can help others, including your own family, while still being a full time SAHM.

I don’t see myself with an 8-5 M-F job at all. I hope I can be a SAHM. But I know my degree will allow me to help other people and to help my family if/when I want to do something with it.

Now, instead of getting a degree, the woman could just take a $2million or more insurance policy out on her husband.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Okay, I stand corrected.
But, honestly ladies, do you expect your new husband to foot the bill for your student loans? If I met a girl and I was attracted and she was into me, the moment I learned she had a big 'ole student loan and that I would have to pay it off for her, well I’d stroke her off the list. No, it’s not about the money - it is about demonstrating to me irresponsibility that would surely carry over to other points of our marriage. If she was truly responsible, she would work for a few years and pay off that debt before looking for a husband.

To be quite honest, when I transfer oncampus to finish my Theology degree at Steubenville, I don’t want to write off the possibility because God can work miracles, but I really doubt I’ll be meeting my future wife there.

 

[ack]

Well, if I met a girl that I loved, and if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, then I certainly would marry her, loans and all. (I am a single guy)

Turning someone down for that kind of reason isn’t worth it. Life is too short for that.

What would working for a few years before marrying accomplish for the woman anyway? If the woman pays off the loans before or marrying, the total lifetime earnings of the couple will still be the same.

Now, if a woman had credit card debt from excessive, unnecessary spending, then I would consider that to be an indicator of irresponsibility, far more than the student loans would. But if the woman was that irresponsible, I wouldn’t have been dating her anyway, loans or no loans.

Okay, I stand corrected.
But, honestly ladies, do you expect your new husband to foot the bill for your student loans? If I met a girl and I was attracted and she was into me, the moment I learned she had a big 'ole student loan and that I would have to pay it off for her, well I’d stroke her off the list. No, it’s not about the money - it is about demonstrating to me irresponsibility that would surely carry over to other points of our marriage. If she was truly responsible, she would work for a few years and pay off that debt before looking for a husband.

To be quite honest, when I transfer oncampus to finish my Theology degree at Steubenville, I don’t want to write off the possibility because God can work miracles, but I really doubt I’ll be meeting my future wife there.

 

[bookgirl32]

I got married at 29, my husband was 28. We were planning on giving ourselves about six months to a year, just to settle in. We were both fine with NFP, and our reasonings. God saw differently, and our baby boy showed up three weeks early – three weeks shy of our 9 mo. anniversary! I know there are a lot of differing opinions on why or why not NFP should be used to avoid a pregnancy. But also think of the fact that NFP is COMPLETELY open to a pregnancy, regardless of how you choose to use it.

The thing is, I don’t think anyone is ever really “ready” to have kids. It’s such a change, such a shock to the system, no matter if you planned it or not. So my idea of “let’s be in a better position to have a baby first” kind of went out the window.

The point is, you’re using NFP, and you are open to life, and hopefully praying together and really being open to eachother will bring you to a peaceful conclusion about it.

 

[bookgirl32]

Okay, I stand corrected.
But, honestly ladies, do you expect your new husband to foot the bill for your student loans? If I met a girl and I was attracted and she was into me, the moment I learned she had a big 'ole student loan and that I would have to pay it off for her, well I’d stroke her off the list. No, it’s not about the money - it is about demonstrating to me irresponsibility that would surely carry over to other points of our marriage. If she was truly responsible, she would work for a few years and pay off that debt before looking for a husband.

To be quite honest, when I transfer oncampus to finish my Theology degree at Steubenville, I don’t want to write off the possibility because God can work miracles, but I really doubt I’ll be meeting my future wife there.

Are you kidding me? My husband came to me as a teacher still paying off student loans. I was debt free, my job paid more, and was I happy to help him pay off his student loans, of course!!! I considered them my student loans once we were married. You need to reevaluate your idea of what a marriage is if you would allow some student loans to get in the way of a vocation.

 

[journey137]

Since I replied to the other part, I suppose I’ll respond again

I have $0 in student loans. I’ve made money going to college actually. My husband has about $12,000 in student loans and should be able to pay that back in less than a year. Not everyone gets in debt up to their eyeballs when going to college these days

 

[HannahLisa]

But, honestly ladies, do you expect your new husband to foot the bill for your student loans? If I met a girl and I was attracted and she was into me, the moment I learned she had a big 'ole student loan and that I would have to pay it off for her, well I’d stroke her off the list. No, it’s not about the money - it is about demonstrating to me irresponsibility that would surely carry over to other points of our marriage. If she was truly responsible, she would work for a few years and pay off that debt before looking for a husband.

There’s looking for a husband, and then there’s the people who aren’t really looking, find one, and decide they’re going to go ahead and get married instead of waiting until everything is optimal - because things ALWAYS get in the way.

I will graduate college with student loans. I want to work at least enough to pay off my loans, because I feel that I should be doing that. I would never purposefully put anyone in a position where they HAD to pay off my student loans. Knowing the man I’m marrying, he’ll probably gladly help pay them off, especially if children come into the equation - but it’s still my responsibility first.

That being said, I do NOT think quantity of student loans should be a factor in deciding whether to marry someone, nor do I think that someone should necessarily have to pay off all their student loans before getting married. With some people, that would mean years of unnecessary waiting. I do think that if a woman knows she wants to be a SAHM, she shouldn’t get a college education requiring her to have tons of loans, but she can still take on some if she needs to!

 

[bookgirl32]

Yes, but with all due respect, this was immoral. That is not good advice. And an example of the kind of selfishness that the Popes warn against when it comes to being open to children (or not being open to children).

I think you’re being a little judgemental here. The call of the vocation of marriage is not ONLY to have children. I’m not judging the other poster either, maybe there was an abuse of NFP involved, but if they were following NFP, not using any ABC, and truly being open to life, then there’s a good chance they’re at least somewhat on track.

The Church does not fully define what it considers to be abuses of NFP does it? Some are very obvious, “i want a new car, I want more vacations for a few years”, etc. But there ARE some very legitimate reasons for using NFP. If there weren’t, the Church would have stated AGAINST NFP, for any reason, which it did not.

 

[Rach620]

With as many women posting on here about age, waiting for marriage or postponing children because of school, college and grad school. And then stating that when you get married and have children you will be a sahm.

I just have to ask, “Why are putting all your time, stress, effort and thousands of dollars into an education that you aren’t going to use?” Seems pointless, unless you are going to be the bread winner in the family and dad is going to stay home. I’m a bit confused on this.

Some say “I’m postponing marriage until I get my degree or even grad degree, (masters, phd, et al)…and then we’ll get married and have lots of kids and I’ll be a sahm”. Last I knew you don’t need a masters degree to be a mother.

If I spent all that money, time and effort…I would be working. Someone has got to pay all those student loans off. I am hoping you all wouldn’t expect your husbands to do that.

Education isn’t just about where it can take you in your career, nor is it about the time or money you spend on it. It is about becoming an educated human being, and it is not ‘useless’ to anyone to be educated.

I want to stay home with my children, and I do not for one minute belief this would ever be a ‘waste’–even if I have advanced degrees under my belt. It is about my personal vocation, my own quest for understanding of my faith and of the world in which I live. It’s not an either-or thing…either be a smart, educated woman OR have children. Why can’t I do both? Why is it such a ‘waste’ that my education is just for me?

By the way…good PhD and master’s programs won’t even end up costing a thing, with stipends and grants and such. The biggest issue is the hit in pay you take for the time you’re working on it, but at least in my field, you shouldn’t be taking out massive loans to pay things off.

 

[MooCowSteph]

Okay, I stand corrected.
But, honestly ladies, do you expect your new husband to foot the bill for your student loans? If I met a girl and I was attracted and she was into me, the moment I learned she had a big 'ole student loan and that I would have to pay it off for her, well I’d stroke her off the list. No, it’s not about the money - it is about demonstrating to me irresponsibility that would surely carry over to other points of our marriage. If she was truly responsible, she would work for a few years and pay off that debt before looking for a husband.

To be quite honest, when I transfer oncampus to finish my Theology degree at Steubenville, I don’t want to write off the possibility because God can work miracles, but I really doubt I’ll be meeting my future wife there.

Ouch, that’s pretty harsh. So a responsible woman shouldn’t even date, or maybe not even go anywhere where she might meet “the one” if she has loans? Whatever. I think a lot of people would agree that paying off something like a student loan would be enough of a reason to postpone children, but that doesn’t mean one needs to postpone marriage. And my husband helped me pay my way through college before we were even married. But some guys are just gentlemen like that. And he enjoyed the fruits of my salary after I graduated!

 

[bookgirl32]

Education isn’t just about where it can take you in your career, nor is it about the time or money you spend on it. It is about becoming an educated human being, and it is not ‘useless’ to anyone to be educated.

I want to stay home with my children, and I do not for one minute belief this would ever be a ‘waste’–even if I have advanced degrees under my belt. It is about my personal vocation, my own quest for understanding of my faith and of the world in which I live. It’s not an either-or thing…either be a smart, educated woman OR have children. Why can’t I do both? Why is it such a ‘waste’ that my education is just for me?

By the way…good PhD and master’s programs won’t even end up costing a thing, with stipends and grants and such. The biggest issue is the hit in pay you take for the time you’re working on it, but at least in my field, you shouldn’t be taking out massive loans to pay things off.

And who is to say that all that education isn’t FOR your children, therefore much needed education in the field of Stay At Home Momness!

 

[bluerose]

A tale of two couples…

Couple #1–me and DH. I was 21, he was 23. Decided to let God plan our family for us.

Couple #2–DH’s younger brother and his wife. He was 22, she was 19. Also decided to let God make the arrangements for their family.

Both couples got married in 1988, so we’re looking at our 20th anniversaries this year.

Couple #1–one child. And he was adopted.
Couple #2–Baby #12 is due around their anniversary date.

We’ve had our ups and downs (who doesn’t?) I never finished getting my B.A. in education, my BIL’s wife never wanted to go to college, but we’re both homeschooling moms, although I work full-time and she stays at home. We’ve both had to file bankruptcy at one time in our lives. We’ve both suffered loss (They’ve had two miscarriages and a stillbirth; we’ve had adoptions fall through, not to mention the cross of infertility to bear.) We’ve both had medical problems (DH is a cancer survivor; BIL has macular degeneration and is legally blind at the age of 42.) We’ve had times when the men were out of work and the women stepped up to the plate to help out (or, more accurately, went to our knees to ask God for help!) But we’ve all gone to Rome to see another BIL ordained by JPII (that sure wasn’t in the plans!), we have had wonderful family vacations (on tight budgets, but so what?), we have great kids, we married our best friends, we became each other’s best friends, and in the process, we grew closer to God.

Maybe they wish for a little more free time. Sometimes we wish we had more children.

But we’re all happy. It’s what you make of it. Enjoy your life, whether it’s just the two of you or a houseful. There will always be bills, there will always be one more thing you should’ve gotten done. Our final destination is Heaven and like the old saying goes, “getting there is half the fun”.

Enjoy the ride!