Getting over him

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jellie89

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I can’t.

He’s all I can think about. I know I need to let go. I know I need to move on, but he’s the only one i want to be with.

I though talking to him would help. Figure out exactly why it wasn’t working.

Turns out he’s still an awesome guy.

We broke up because he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now. I hate it, but I know that it’s just where he is in his life right now. If we got back together it would be something serious, and he’s still too immature for that.

Problem is we still care about each other a lot. I think if it were just me I could use the whole he doesn’t want me, so why waste time on him. But he does want me. This is hurting him as much as it does me. And he’s all trying to be the good guy and let me go because it’s what’s best for me and he wants me to be happy. But that just makes it harder to forget that he’s such a good guy.

We want to be together, but we can’t because we’re not where we need to be as people. And I know I can’t move on if I still think we should be an us even if not right now.

I want a real relationship that’s going somewhere, and I need a guy who wants the same things as me. But it wouldn’t be fair to get involved with someone when I’m still emotionally invested in my ex.

What do I do?
 
Aw, I’m sorry jellie. Break ups are hard. I think what you can do right now, is just keep asking God for strength…pray the Rosary…ask our Blessed Mother for her prayers. Prayer is a very powerful thing. It can change hearts…lives…move mountains. It’s amazing. For now, I would ‘lose’ myself in prayer. If you have to, cry for a while. But, be careful to not over think what happened. If he is a good guy, and you two are meant to be together–your paths will intersect again. They will. It’s hard to see that all now, but they will. If they are not meant to…God will put you on a different path. I’m convinced that God is very interested about our love lives…He knows how many hairs are on your head…He cares about this happening to you, also.

I don’t think you will ever know all the ‘why’s’ of why things didn’t work out right now…so, just keep praying for strength. And maybe try to find something to occupy your mind…your time a little. Get to know other people.

There’s a whole big world out there. I remember when this happened to me with a college bf, and I thought I’d never recover. I had no idea all the ‘adventures’ that I hadn’t yet experienced. I think for right now, you just need to pace yourself, but know that there is life after this relationship–if you are meant to be…you’ll merge together again.

I’ll pray for you, jellie–I know it’s hard!!!:o :console: :blessyou:
 
I know you feel crummy right now but it will get better. In the meantime stay busy, and avoid the places and things y’all use to do if they make you sad.

And if you feel like crying sometimes go ahead. As time goes by you will think about him less and less, until one morning you get up and get out of the house, and realize this is the first time you’ve thought of him.
 
If he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now but cares about you, and if you want him so much, you run the risk of accepting a “lower” than girlfriend position to be close to him.

That could be friendship or some kind of dating but not really dating and that could hurt you more in the long run.

I personally don’t believe that two people that were together in a great relationship could have any other kind of relationship successfully. At least not right after breaking up.

My son broke up with a girlfriend a couple of years ago and they kept seeing each other for a while until they finally broke up completely. All that time was very painful for both of them.

A cousin broke up with his girlfriend and kept seeing her as “friends” and they got back together and married in no time.

On the other hand, a friend of mine who broke with her boyfriend and kept seeing him suffered a lot when he met a new girl, fell in love, and even invited her to his wedding.

If you are really in to him and you keep seeing him you run the risk of feeding, even more, your feelings towards him and if he is not in to you in the same way, that’s going to hurt you more.

I think you need time to really know what you want in life other than this person and work toward your goals. This will put him a little bit on the side.

Or, you need to decide if you want to run the risk of trying to get him back or to keep seeing him. In these last cases, you need to be ready to face whatever the consequences are. If you happen to get back together, great. But if not, you need to be able to walk away and go on with your life.
 
Really sad to hear you’re going through this, jellie - you’ve invested a lot of thought and emotional effort in this relationship, as evidenced in the threads you’ve started. Sounds like you’ve tried hard.

I get a bit mad sometimes when people say, “time heals all” because I have been through a lot that time has not healed in the sense in which the “advice” was meant. Time has brought acceptance and recognition that it was for the best, which is a kind of healing, but it’s not quite what the “time heals all” catch cry brigade meant.

Having said that … it probably seems pretty dull and unhelpful if people say things like give it time, just keeping putting one foot in front of the other, pray and take it one day at a time, but honestly, having had my heart well and truly battered to pieces … it’s the only thing you can do. Keeping busy and making yourself useful to others helps. You may need to grieve for a while but try to recognise the difference between grieving and “wallowing” in unnecessary revisitation of things that you shared that just doesn’t help you move on.

I know as I type this that it’s advice that I would not have understood at one stage of my life … but do not accept second-best in a relationship, no matter how “in love” you feel. Even if you are head-over-heels, don’t ever accept “scraps that fall from the table” from a man who isn’t ready for a relationship just to spare yourself the pain of being totally without him. (Same obviously applies to a man whose female love interest is similarly unready.) I do not criticise anyone who isn’t in the relationship market - recognising that you are not and behaving accordingly is a mark of maturity and if your ex-bf has recognised this and said so up-front, good on him - but I have seen a number of lovely girls trying to make a relationship work with a boyfriend who has to keep her hanging while he thinks about whether he wants to come to dinner Sunday night or whether he wants to join her family on an outing or whether he even wants a girlfriend at all … you are worth better than that. You may get together again in future when both of you are ready, but the advice that you need to be able to get on with your own life in the meantime is good advice. In time, if the relationship is over, the feeling that your ex is the only on you want to be with will lessen, and that may take months or even a year or two.

I think you are wise to recognise it might not be a good idea to get emotionally involved with someone else until you know you have moved on from the previous relationship.
 
It keeps getting more complicated.

I texted him last night to see if we could still be friends, and we talked about our future, but nothing got solved. We can’t not be friends because we don’t want to be out of each other’s lives. We can’t just be friends because we can’t watch each other move on. He doesn’t plan to, but I know how I’d feel if he did. I want to because I want to be in a relationship. He suggested being friends until I found someone else, but I know it would just make me not want to find someone. Neither of us can let go. He even suggested being in an open relationship. I shot that down right away.

He even got the closest he’s ever come to saying he loves me. He texted “…I wish things were different cause I really do lav u. :-(”

I don’t know what to do.
 
**Jellie… first off, big hugs for you:console: Second, lots of prayers for you:gopray2:

Now, you need some tough love here. The only threads you have started so far have involved problems with your boyfriend. If he was such a great guy there wouldn’t be a problem. Love makes us see things, do things, and think things that aren’t always rational. It takes some outside eyes to really see things as they are. That is what parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends used to be good for. But in today’s culture you can’t even count on that anymore:(

So you’ll have to settle for us;).

If you cannot go on with your life without this guy you need to do some serious thinking and praying. Is this the man who God wants you to be with, or is this man someone you want to be with. If the answer is not both, you need to find some courage and MOVE ON. That courage and strength can only come from God. We are weak. We are fearful. We are cowards without Him.

There is absolutely NOTHING to be lost by cutting all ties to this man right now. If you are meant to be married, time apart will not diminish that. It will only give you time to be sure. If you are not meant to be together, cutting all ties is the ONLY way to move on. The ONLY WAY.

Find something good and holy to throw yourself into right now. Something that you can devote yourself entirely to for a time being. Something that will bring you closer to God.

It is a rare and lucky person who has never been through a painful breakup. It happens to most of us, often multiple times. It hurts. Life feels hopeless. You doubt yourself. It feels like you will feel awful and alone forever. That is all NORMAL. It is something you need to work through. But getting rid of the hurt by clinging to the relationship will only prolong the hurt and misery. You need to move THROUGH the hurt, not try to avoid it. Consider it sort of a relationship purgatory. The hurt will help you address issues within yourself, clarify what you want, and force you to rely more strongly on God instead of an earthly man.

So, right now you have two choices
  1. continue whatever kind of relationship this man will allow, even if it means lowering yourself and accepting less than you, as a child of God, deserve.
  2. Ask God to help you through this by giving 100% of yourself to HIM.
God bless you, this is painful and hard, but with the right steps, can lead you closer to God and holiness.**
 
Jellie, you do not need to be in a relationship. Once again: you don’t need to be in a relationship. If marriage is your calling, you need to be married. But this doesn’t mean that before you marry and start a family, you need a guy at your side all the time. Nope. And, strictly speaking, the only reason to have a relationship before marriage is to verify that that person is right for you and you can marry. Relationships are not to provide company or romance or butterflies or such.

Once you realise this, it will be easier for you to bear with being single. Judging from what I read here, you had a lot of problems with a guy. You think it’s better to have anyone than to have no one, but that’s not true. You’re far better off single than in love with someone you can’t marry (because he won’t or can’t). You need to learn to live without being in a relationship.

Now, sorry if this sounds true, but I’m serious. 🙂
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**

God bless you, this is painful and hard, but with the right steps, can lead you closer to God and holiness.**
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Off Topic: I’ll bet that Feanaro doesn’t get away with ANYTHING. His wife seems to have to together. Poor guy, and blessed guy.
 
BamaRider said:
They’re not?
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Nope. Marriage partly is. Friendship partly is - for what is due in friendship (i.e. what wouldn’t be bad with a brother or sister). A relationship is not. A relationship exists because the affection and other things which guide people to marry are not strong or clear enough at the start. This is why people who are not allowed to marry shouldn’t have relationships - and the fact that they shouldn’t is sufficient proof for me that relationships don’t have a reason independent from the reasons of marriage. 🙂
 
chevalier said:
Nope. Marriage partly is. Friendship partly is - for what is due in friendship (i.e. what wouldn’t be bad with a brother or sister). A relationship is not. A relationship exists because the affection and other things which guide people to marry are not strong or clear enough at the start. This is why people who are not allowed to marry shouldn’t have relationships - and the fact that they shouldn’t is sufficient proof for me that relationships don’t have a reason independent from the reasons of marriage. 🙂
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Dang ya lost me.

Does this mean you’re not for relationships that don’t end in marriage? Well how ya know what the endgame is gonna be if you don’t jump in the relationship?
 
I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the heck of it. I want to find that person that I will spend the rest of my life with. Don’t get me wrong I’m not in a hurry. I’m only 19; I have plenty of time. And God will guide me when it’s time. I just don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be in a happy stable relationship.

Also, me and my ex didn’t have as many problems as ya’ll seem to believe. I only talked about the bad stuff here. There was plenty of good stuff too.

Oh and about the breakup. I haven’t talked to him in about a day and a half and I’m trying my hardest not to text him. I’m not going to text him! AHH!!! i really want to. God will be my strength. Thanks for all ya’lls prayers 🙂
 
jellie89 said:
I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the heck of it. I want to find that person that I will spend the rest of my life with. Don’t get me wrong I’m not in a hurry. I’m only 19; I have plenty of time. And God will guide me when it’s time. I just don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be in a happy stable relationship.

Also, me and my ex didn’t have as many problems as ya’ll seem to believe. I only talked about the bad stuff here. There was plenty of good stuff too.

Oh and about the breakup. I haven’t talked to him in about a day and a half and I’m trying my hardest not to text him. I’m not going to text him! AHH!!! i really want to. God will be my strength. Thanks for all ya’lls prayers 🙂
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Every relationship has good and bad. I think in some ways, it’s admirable of him to break things with you, if deep down he doesn’t want a commitment. Because if you do want that, then it is not fair to you. Now, if you see him with a new gf next month, then you know it wasn’t that. :o

I will pray for you…to refrain from texting!😃 Old habits die hard. Just stay strong, and maybe find a hobby to take up, that will help you to occupy your time, so you’re not tempted to text him as much. 🙂

God bless…
 
jellie, I have always found this practice that much of the younger set has of remaining friends with exes very wierd. There is a reason it’s called “over.” And I am only 33… but I found it strange when my friends did it too.

Every time you talk to him, try to evaluate the relationship or what went wrong, examine every event to see where it all went wrong, you are ripping the scab off the wound. If you keep doing that, it never gets to heal. Yes, not talking to him is painful. But talking to him is more painful. You have learned that the hard way.

Let it go. Mourn, cry, pour out your heart to your girl friends, eat Haagen Dazs, watch sad romance movies… etc. But stop talking to him, stop texting him.

Cuz face it… basically what you are doing is chasing him. He told you he doesn’t want to have a girlfriend now. The reason doesn’t matter. As the saying goes, “He’s just not that into you.” Because if he was, he would be fighting tooth and nail to keep you by his side. You want a guy whose world would literally crumble without you… you want a guy who could not stand to live without you. You deserve that. Hold out for it.
 
basilisk said:
jellie, I have always found this practice that much of the younger set has of remaining friends with exes very wierd. There is a reason it’s called “over.” And I am only 33… but I found it strange when my friends did it too.

Every time you talk to him, try to evaluate the relationship or what went wrong, examine every event to see where it all went wrong, you are ripping the scab off the wound. If you keep doing that, it never gets to heal. Yes, not talking to him is painful. But talking to him is more painful. You have learned that the hard way.

Let it go. Mourn, cry, pour out your heart to your girl friends, eat Haagen Dazs, watch sad romance movies… etc. But stop talking to him, stop texting him.

Cuz face it… basically what you are doing is chasing him. He told you he doesn’t want to have a girlfriend now. The reason doesn’t matter. As the saying goes, “He’s just not that into you.” Because if he was, he would be fighting tooth and nail to keep you by his side. You want a guy whose world would literally crumble without you… you want a guy who could not stand to live without you. You deserve that. Hold out for it.
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I second eating the haagen dazs. lol :yup: It can really be a girl’s best friend…sometimes. I wouldn’t recommend it all the time. lol

I like this advice, actually…very true. I wouldn’t want a guy (if I were single) whose world would crumble without me, though…that’s not healthy, either. But, I know what you’re saying. Hold out for someone who really loves you jellie…

Don’t settle.
 
BamaRider said:
Dang ya lost me.

Does this mean you’re not for relationships that don’t end in marriage? Well how ya know what the endgame is gonna be if you don’t jump in the relationship?
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You don’t until you try and that’s the only reason relationships are fine. 😉 If you know it won’t end up in marriage, it’s not fine to get some nookie and split up, claiming it was dating for fun, I believe. 🙂
 
jellie89 said:
I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the heck of it. I want to find that person that I will spend the rest of my life with. Don’t get me wrong I’m not in a hurry. I’m only 19; I have plenty of time. And God will guide me when it’s time. I just don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be in a happy stable relationship.
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Sorry, I got you wrong there. 😉 I was having the impression you wanted to have a boyfriend at all times. Apologies.
 
it’s not fine to get some nookie and split up, claiming it was dating for fun, I believe.
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:rotfl:

Get some “nookie,” Mmm, now who said anything about* that??*

Can ya say that on CAF??? :o
 
BamaRider said:
:rotfl:

Get some “nookie,” Mmm, now who said anything about* that??*

Can ya say that on CAF??? :o
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😛 Well, anyway, my point is, things like dating or relationships need to be somehow in the context of marriage or something that leads there. It’s a popular notion that there is a physical border - sex or something less than that - under which all’s fine. That’s wrong - a relationship may well be a great thing but it doesn’t exist for itself or for fun. Those things like dating or relationships exist for finding someone to share a life with, not for the enjoyment of a moment. Sounds cruel, but appears logical. Yes, I know I’m a robot.
 
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