Getting Over Husband's Sexual Past

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I am newly wed to a man I love very much. My husband has a child with his ex and is paying child support. She is a horrible person, and I am not being biased. I have been trying to look for the good in her, but she has made it very difficult. She has been very selfish and all she wants is child support. She even wants to deny him his rights as a father (she even almost got away not putting his name in the birth certificate), but still wants child support. Now, I knew about his past and he has asked me for forgiveness about this, admitted that it was a mistake and he stumbled, that I wasn’t in his life then. I thought I could handle it, but I just can’t shake it off.

We see her on a regular basis and she always dresses like a “slut” (pardon my language), always flaunting her huge breasts and all. Her past is checkered with men (around 12 men before my husband, one of whom was his friend!), and I hate that it was my husband that got her pregnant. When I see or think about her, I get troubled by thoughts of how my husband had sex with her. To make matters worse, I find that whenever I see his son, it brings back horrible images of my husband and her having sex and how he made her pregnant! I don’t know what to do, because we have been having trouble conceiving, and I am just consumed by jealousy.

I’ve openly discussed with him about how it hurts me to think of the way he made love to her and now he’s doing the same with me! It pains me to know but the truth is the truth I can’t change the past. Am I being stupid or selfish? I want nothing to do with her or keep thinking that my husband once slept with her, had sex with her, made a baby with her…nothing at all.

I don’t know what to do… I fight with my husband about this a lot, and he has been trying to make it up to me. But how? I hope and pray that I take the advice in your article. God help me.
 
You do have to put it in the past and let it go or it will ruin your marriage. This other woman really isn’t the issue because your husband once had sex and had a baby with her, it’s that she’s still in his life because of the child, am I right?

So, knowing that he cares nothing for her except for the child (who is innocent and deserves a father’s love) ought to give you comfort and strength. Give all this to God–your feelings, the past, you frustrations, everything. Don’t hold anything back. When you want to bring it up with your husband, bite your tongue, and I mean hard. Instead, go pray. Take it before Jesus in the tabernacle and leave it there.

You cannot control this other woman’s behavior, but you can pray for her. Jesus told us to pray for our enemies and to do good to those who persecute us. Believe it or not, it works. If you pray for her, the Holy Spirit will give you peace about her. After all, she is a soul for whom Christ died just as he did for you. Think of her as a potential Mary Magdelene, even if that seems impossible. God can change anyone with prayer and love. So, don’t be upset with her for being what she is, but pray for her and love her with Christ’s love. The same with your husband. Love him, not just with your own human love, but with the love that drove Christ to the cross. I’m sure your outlook and attitude will change. 🙂
 
You aren’t being fair to your husband. He does not need to “make it up to you”, nor did he need to ask your forgiveness.

I am not sure if this is what you are saying, but it almost sounds like you think it is a bad thing that the child’s mother expects child support. It’s not selfish to expect the father of your child to contribute financially…

You have to get over wanting nothing to do with her. Your husband has a child with her, and that’s not changing. You need to support your husband in his effort to be a good father, and not make things more difficult.If you are having trouble conceiving, see a doctor but do not punish your husband for something that he cannot control. There should be no fighting about it, he doesn’t need to defend himself- you married him willingly.

It might be worthwhile to see a counselor who can help you deal with your jealous feelings without making unfair demands on your husband. I agree with the previous poster who said if you can’t find a way to let it go, it is going to ruin your marriage. I do hope that you can find some peace, for your sake, your husband’s sake, and his son’s sake.
 
bluemistangel said:
I am newly wed to a man I love very much. My husband has a child with his ex and is paying child support. She is a horrible person, and I am not being biased. I have been trying to look for the good in her, but she has made it very difficult. She has been very selfish and all she wants is child support. She even wants to deny him his rights as a father (she even almost got away not putting his name in the birth certificate), but still wants child support. Now, I knew about his past and he has asked me for forgiveness about this, admitted that it was a mistake and he stumbled, that I wasn’t in his life then. I thought I could handle it, but I just can’t shake it off.

We see her on a regular basis and she always dresses like a “slut” (pardon my language), always flaunting her huge breasts and all. Her past is checkered with men (around 12 men before my husband, one of whom was his friend!), and I hate that it was my husband that got her pregnant. When I see or think about her, I get troubled by thoughts of how my husband had sex with her. To make matters worse, I find that whenever I see his son, it brings back horrible images of my husband and her having sex and how he made her pregnant! I don’t know what to do, because we have been having trouble conceiving, and I am just consumed by jealousy.

I’ve openly discussed with him about how it hurts me to think of the way he made love to her and now he’s doing the same with me! It pains me to know but the truth is the truth I can’t change the past. Am I being stupid or selfish? I want nothing to do with her or keep thinking that my husband once slept with her, had sex with her, made a baby with her…nothing at all.

I don’t know what to do… I fight with my husband about this a lot, and he has been trying to make it up to me. But how? I hope and pray that I take the advice in your article. God help me.
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I am curious if he worries the same way about your past sins? Does he have the right or permission to bring up every detail of your past and stew in it? Does he even know all of your dark secrets?

Perspective

I think your husband should be applauded for seeking forgiveness, and being open and honest with you.

Rather than passively condemning his son, invest in the child, and rejoice in the life God gave you. That child is a gift that you have been tasked by God to help raise. That is an opportunity many people do not get.

I would seek counseling and conversation with a priest. Look to what gifts you have and seek ways to give to your husband and stepchild in love. Being consumed by such jealousy is a serious problem that would help your marriage greatly if you were honest with yourself and addressed it.
 
bluemistangel said:
I am newly wed to a man I love very much. My husband has a child with his ex and is paying child support. She is a horrible person,… Now, I knew about his past and he has asked me for forgiveness about this, admitted that it was a mistake and he stumbled, that I wasn’t in his life then.

. Her past is checkered with men … and **I hate that it was my husband **that got her pregnant. When I see or think about her, I get troubled by thoughts of how my husband had sex with her. To make matters worse, I find that whenever I see his son, it brings back horrible images of my husband and her having sex and how he made her pregnant! I don’t know what to do, because we have been having trouble conceiving, and I am just consumed by jealousy.

I want nothing to do with her or keep thinking that my husband once slept with her, had sex with her, made a baby with her…nothing at all.

I fight with my husband about this a lot,
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I’m sorry you and your husband have not been able to conceive a child. It must cause you a lot of pain and sorrow.

You have many issues that are affecting you in negative ways. You have to want and desire to change your heart on these issues if you want to feel at Peace.

Your husband is the father of a beautiful child. You need to find peace with who this beautiful child is and peace that your husband is his father.

Obsessing over anything is unhealthy. Obsessing over the conception of this child can destroy your peace.

You need to find a way to stop the obsessing thoughts through prayer and maybe with the help of a priest or spiritual director or counselor.

You also have to stop the negative characterizing of the beautiful child’s mother. Somethings will just be negative facts about her - sexual encounters outside of marriage, but it is not for us to despise her. It is actually very sad that this mother has lived this life style. We do not know what caused her to have such low self-esteem as to offer her body to men who were not her husband.

You need to find a way to forgive your husband for having sexual relations with her before you were married. You need to forgive her for having sex with him.

It could be healthy for you to take this situation to Confession.

Your husband has asked for your forgiveness in his lack of character before he knew you. Your obsessing thoughts may be what is intruding in your peace. Not forgiving him is intruding in your peace.

This little child is actually your sweet step-son You need to have a heart filled with love to offer this child the love of Daddy’s Wife and Step-Mom. This little child will be the older step-brother of your children. You want to look at the child and feel love in your heart.

You have to learn how to stop the obsessing thoughts of visualizing your husband when he had sex with his son’s mother.

You also have to forgive your husband and your step-child’s mother for having sex.

You need to be happy that they did not abort this beautiful child of God. So, many lives are destroyed when babies are destroyed in their mother’s wombs. Rejoice that this sweet child was given Life and not aborted. Rejoice that your husband is not suffering today as a post-abortive father, but that he is the father of a child who was given life.

My prayer is that you can forgive and feel peace.
 
RoseMary131 said:
I’m sorry you and your husband have not been able to conceive a child. It must cause you a lot of pain and sorrow.

You have many issues that are affecting you in negative ways. You have to want and desire to change your heart on these issues if you want to feel at Peace.

Your husband is the father of a beautiful child. You need to find peace with who this beautiful child is and peace that your husband is his father.

Obsessing over anything is unhealthy. Obsessing over the conception of this child can destroy your peace.

You need to find a way to stop the obsessing thoughts through prayer and maybe with the help of a priest or spiritual director or counselor.

You also have to stop the negative characterizing of the beautiful child’s mother. Somethings will just be negative facts about her - sexual encounters outside of marriage, but it is not for us to despise her. It is actually very sad that this mother has lived this life style. We do not know what caused her to have such low self-esteem as to offer her body to men who were not her husband.

You need to find a way to forgive your husband for having sexual relations with her before you were married. You need to forgive her for having sex with him.

It could be healthy for you to take this situation to Confession.

Your husband has asked for your forgiveness in his lack of character before he knew you. Your obsessing thoughts may be what is intruding in your peace. Not forgiving him is intruding in your peace.

This little child is actually your sweet step-son You need to have a heart filled with love to offer this child the love of Daddy’s Wife and Step-Mom. This little child will be the older step-brother of your children. You want to look at the child and feel love in your heart.

You have to learn how to stop the obsessing thoughts of visualizing your husband when he had sex with his son’s mother.

You also have to forgive your husband and your step-child’s mother for having sex.

You need to be happy that they did not abort this beautiful child of God. So, many lives are destroyed when babies are destroyed in their mother’s wombs. Rejoice that this sweet child was given Life and not aborted. Rejoice that your husband is not suffering today as a post-abortive father, but that he is the father of a child who was given life.

My prayer is that you can forgive and feel peace.
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Well said.

I also wanted to add. When these thoughts come up remind yourself that he CHOSE you. He was with that woman, and still could be, but he wanted better. He wanted you.
 
All of this should have been addressed during your marriage preparation.

Let the past be the past – there’s no good purpose in dredging it up. You and your husband don’t have to be friends with his ex. Treat her with respect, enjoy and love that little boy with all your heart – his life will not be easy and he needs to witness unconditional love. Love your husband with all your heart.
 
Lorelei12 said:
You aren’t being fair to your husband. He does not need to “make it up to you”, nor did he need to ask your forgiveness…There should be no fighting about it, he doesn’t need to defend himself- you married him willingly.
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I was about to post these exact words. Seriously, you’ve got to find a way to let this go or you will derail your marriage for sure.
quiet52 said:
All of this should have been addressed during your marriage preparation.
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Yes. As important as this is to you, didn’t you discuss it BEFORE getting married?
 
bluemistangel said:
I’ve openly discussed with him about how it hurts me to think of the way he made love to her and now he’s doing the same with me! .
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He’s not doing the same with you. There is a huge difference between casual sex with someone or not so casual sex in the context of a relationship and sex with the person you love and have chosen to spend your life with. You are his wife. You are the woman he chose to marry and share everything with. Remember that!

When those thoughts of them being sexual start to come try replacing them with thoughts of his marriage proposal, the wedding, any special memories that show you how much he loves you and how much he values you.

I do not think it is selfish of her to want support for her son. I do think it both foolish and selfish of her to try to deny her son’s father his rights. If she continues to be difficult when it comes to visitation then get a lawyer and take her to court. Don’t argue with her, threaten her, or in any way participate in any kind of drama. Just document any missed parenting time and let the courts handle it.

I am sorry that you are having trouble conceiving. None of us know what the future holds. God willing, you’ll have a bunch of kids. But you already have a step-son who you can love and be a parent to. Don’t let the past deny you a step-child and him a loving step-mother. That little boy may have been created by an immoral act, but that isn’t his fault. Make an effort to see the little boy as who he is, not where he came from.
 
I agree with every reply that you have received. And, a big word in your title of your post is PAST! Not Present!

I am sorry that you are having trouble conceiving. I pray for you to forgive her, and for you to love this child. Please let go of bitterness and resentment. This is something that you should discuss with your priest. I hope that he can counsel you. And, fill your heart with love for this child who is innocent.

And, I have a niece that tried for years to get pregnant and had a few miscarriages. Now, she has a beautiful 2 year old son, and is expecting in October. They were beginning to consider adoption, as she was having so much difficulty getting pregnant. They were married for eleven years before having their first child.

Also, bitterness and negative feelings can affect your health, which can result in not conceiving.

I wish you peace.
 
bluemistangel said:
I find that whenever I see his son, it brings back horrible images of my husband and her having sex and how he made her pregnant! I don’t know what to do, because we have been having trouble conceiving, and I am just consumed by jealousy.

I’ve openly discussed with him about how it hurts me to think of the way he made love to her and now he’s doing the same with me! It pains me to know but the truth is the truth I can’t change the past. Am I being stupid or selfish? I want nothing to do with her or keep thinking that my husband once slept with her, had sex with her, made a baby with her…nothing at all.
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Dear OP,

my heart goes out to you, this must be so hard.

The reality is what it is. The son is here to stay and it is good that your husband is trying to be a good father to him in these circumstances. This shows that his heart is in the right place and that he has a sense of responsibility. All good things.

I believe that you having trouble conceiving is the main issue now. Sometimes it takes time to get pregnant. There are people here more experienced than me who can suggest what you can do (NFP, NaPro, etc.) Please don’t lose hope and don’t take your frustrations out on your husband. It is so easy to fall into bad habits and so hard to eventually break them. Have you considered marriage counselling, so you prevent this from happening and in order to heal the already existing wounds?

Also, why do you have to see the boy’s mother? I would talk about this with your husband and see if there is a way for you to avoid these meetings since they cause you so much distress.

Praying for you and your husband.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Dear OP,
Also, why do you have to see the boy’s mother? I would talk about this with your husband and see if there is a way for you to avoid these meetings since they cause you so much distress.
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I am sorry, but I have to disagree here. As much as it may cause the OP distress to see the boy’s mother, the reality is that they are family now. For the good of the child, the mother and step-mother will have to interact in a civil, if not friendly, manner. They are going to be seeing each other for serious childhood illnesses and injuries, school events, birthday parties, etc. for the rest of that child’s life. Avoiding the mother isn’t helpful when it comes to raising the child and it’s not going to make OP feel more at ease with the situation. Best thing to do is be polite, friendly, and try to look for something good in the mother, some kind of common ground. Even if it is only that they both love the same child. Maybe try to have some sympathy and compassion. It’s not easy to let another woman be involved in your child’s life. It’s not easy to see your baby’s father in a loving marriage to someone else. This woman has her troubles, too.
 
bluemistangel said:
I am newly wed to a man I love very much. My husband has a child with his ex and is paying child support. She is a horrible person, and I am not being biased. I have been trying to look for the good in her, but she has made it very difficult. She has been very selfish and all she wants is child support. **Have you ever tried raising a child alone? I’m sure she NEEDS every penny of that child support.**She even wants to deny him his rights as a father (she even almost got away not putting his name in the birth certificate), but still wants child support. BUT, she didn’t get away with it, so that’s a moot point, let it go. Now, I knew about his past and he has asked me for forgiveness about this, admitted that it was a mistake and he stumbled, that I wasn’t in his life then. I thought I could handle it, but I just can’t shake it off.This happened before you knew him, I don’t think he needed to ask for forgiveness. But he did and obviously he loves you and feels remorse about his behavior before he met you. You are a lucky woman to have a man who would do this.

We see her on a regular basis and she always dresses like a “slut” (pardon my language), always flaunting her huge breasts and all. Her past is checkered with men (around 12 men before my husband, one of whom was his friend!) And you know this how? You were there and saw her with each of those 12 men? If you don’t have first hand knowledge of her having a relationship with 12 men, then that’s gossip. The only one you can probably know for sure is your husbands relationship with her., and I hate that it was my husband that got her pregnant. When I see or think about her, I get troubled by thoughts of how my husband had sex with her. To make matters worse, I find that whenever I see his son, it brings back horrible images of my husband and her having sex and how he made her pregnant! I don’t know what to do, because we have been having trouble conceiving, and I am just consumed by jealousy.
I think you might benefit from some counseling here, you really need to get over this.
I’ve openly discussed with him about how it hurts me to think of the way he made love to her and now he’s doing the same with me! It pains me to know but the truth is the truth I can’t change the past. Am I being stupid or selfish? I want nothing to do with her or keep thinking that my husband once slept with her, had sex with her, made a baby with her…nothing at all. The child is family and since she’s the mother, that makes her family as well to some degree. You will have to deal with her until the child is 18.

I don’t know what to do… I fight with my husband about this a lot, and he has been trying to make it up to me. But how? I hope and pray that I take the advice in your article. God help me.
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See my above comments in red. Your husband doesn’t really owe you anything extra. You say this all happened before he met you, it’s in the past, and you are letting his past ruin your future.
Did you never meet this child and his mother before you married your husband? Did you not know about this child before you married your husband? This getting over the jealousy should have happened before you got married.

Someone posted the following somewhere on this forum (I think!) and it helped me a lot, perhaps this will help you too:

**EXCERPT FROM “APPOINTMENT WITH GOD”
MICHAEL SCANLAN:

As a priest, in the last twenty-five years, every time someone has come to me and said,
“I can’t forgive someone or,” I can’t stop resenting so and so, or “ can’t get along with this person”, My answer has always been the same.
“Are you willing to pray for the person?”
“Oh yes, I’ll pray for them.”
“ Well then, I’ll tell you how to pray for them and you will tell me if you are willing to
pray the way I suggest.
Then I proceed to tell them how to pray.

First of all, everyday, pray for the person before you pray for anyone else, saying,
“O God I ask you to bless (Jack or Jane) and pour your Spirit out upon him, make him as holy and as happy as possible even if that means he is holier and happier than I am”.

I have challenged people for twenty-five years to pray this way and to come back to me
And tell me the relationship has not been reconciled.
My experience has been if they come back and say they are still having difficulty with the
Relationship, then they have stopped praying,

If you are willing to continue praying, then the situation will change.
You can’t invest priority prayer time day in and day out and not begin to experience change.
Either you change because of the incompatibility of your prayer and the way you feel,
Or the power of prayer changes the relationship .**
 
Plenty of good advice has been given here. If you can’t let go of the past, please seek counseling.

I see a common theme on this forum regarding spouses sexual pasts and obsessing about the people they sex with. I can’t speak for everyone, but most people don’t even think about past sexual encounters; either there own or their spouses. It’s not an issue unless you make it one.

Another word of advice: anyone that his issues with their fiances sexual past SHOULD NOT get married until this issue is resolved.
 
My Dad used to have saying when my Mom would point out one of us kids was about to do something stupid, despite she or him having told us it was a bad idea.

“Well, that’s how they learn.”

You owe his ex some thanks. His past is responsible for forming him into the person he is today. Even the horrible ones, even the ones he now knows are bad mistakes. Some people lean the hard way, they have to make those mistakes to learn the lessons about how they want their life to be. He decided he didn’t want a life with her, he didn’t want to live in the way a life with her would be.

In a weird way, he couldn’t possibly know how wonderful a woman you are- without the contrast of the horrible person he made a mistake with. You can’t really appreciate the taste of something sweet until you’ve tasted sour and bitter.

He chose you, based on the hard learned lessons. he chose the life he envisions having with you. The person you are today, no matter what things you have in your past that led up to the now. Relish that thought-- he doesn’t want her or anything she can give or provide to him. He wants you. Most men want someone they can strive to be worthy of every day. That’s you, not her. He wants to be worthy of you, he wants to be connected to you for the rest of his life. Something she could never, ever, have made him want.

She should be jealous of you, not the other way around.

The child:
  • Is innocent
  • Needs a father in their life
  • Your husband needs to be that father
  • How your husband treats this child will be an indication of how he’ll treat your child.
  • How he treats this child is ABSOLUTELY NO indication of how he feels about his ex.
  • The child will appreciate you and may come to love you. If you are strong, if you treat them as a child in cooperation with your husband. Kids understand the folks who care are the ones who make an effort where they are concerned. Even if its disciplining them (keep this in mind for down the road)
You and your husband
  • Document every time your husband is denied his legal access to the child.
  • Document every time the ex ‘dumps’ the child on your husband when she is supposed to have custody…
  • Document all payments/expenses you pay for the child. (in addition to the child support which goes to her)
  • Keep every text/e-mail/voice mail between the two regarding the child.
  • Document every time he is denied phone access to the child.
  • Document indications that child support has not been used for the child.
  • Support him in his legal strategy regarding the child. Documenting the above will give him leverage/evidence in court for acting in the best interest of the child should the agreement need to change.
Do not burn energy and good-will arguing and fighting about the past which can not be changed. Determine what you can learn from it, and apply your energy together to build your future.

ETA: Most important thing I learned from the way my ex (both sacramentally and legally) treated our kids:

Make your home his child’s home. A place they live with their father, not a place they visit him.
 
I appreciate all your replies and advice. I actually feel a little ganged up on, like not one of you empathize with my situation. But I understand and I accept your advice. Most of it are things that I’ve heard before, from my mother and mother in law… Believe me, I have tried, and still am trying.

The one thing that bugged me about this is when someone said “Try to see the good in her.” I have been trying hard, but she has been making it difficult. I know this info about her because she herself has admitted that to my husband. Until just recently, my husband has had to draw a line with her, because she always talks to him about her personal life–NOT OF THEIR SON’s–her medical issues, her period, her sexual encounters with her current bf, etc–and that’s what triggered my disdain. Even after we got married, she still WOULD NOT respect boundaries.

And my husband has been passive about all this, because he says he doesn’t care what she says but just don’t want confrontation. I couldn’t take that she thinks she still has “rights” to him, and him not doing anything to set boundaries bugs me. I see it as either he still cares for her or he is afraid of her, because she might take his son away from him. Either way, I am not a consideration. It’s just him and his feelings.

Yes, I knew about all this before we got married. But it’s different when you get hit with reality like a ton of bricks – EVERY TIME I encounter her or her name comes up or I see something of hers in our house. Reality is I am not the FIRST one he’s proposed to (she said yes, but left him, so he ended up with me), our child won’t be his first. I feel I am taking seconds of everything, and he doesn’t see how it hurts me.Unless you are or have been in the same exact situation as me, I guess it will be easy to berate and judge me as being “unappreciative” or “unfair” to my husband. I gave up everything for him, even my past. He is stuck.

I appreciate and will continue to read all the advice here… but I am opposed to seeing a psychologist or a counselor. My peace comes from God, and all the things I’m going through is distracting me from God…

Thank you for your prayers and advice… God bless you all.
 
bluemistangel said:
I appreciate all your replies and advice. I actually feel a little ganged up on, like not one of you empathize with my situation. But I understand and I accept your advice. Most of it are things that I’ve heard before, from my mother and mother in law… Believe me, I have tried, and still am trying.

The one thing that bugged me about this is when someone said “Try to see the good in her.” I have been trying hard, but she has been making it difficult. I know this info about her because she herself has admitted that to my husband. Until just recently, my husband has had to draw a line with her, because she always talks to him about her personal life–NOT OF THEIR SON’s–her medical issues, her period, her sexual encounters with her current bf, etc–and that’s what triggered my disdain. Even after we got married, she still WOULD NOT respect boundaries.

And my husband has been passive about all this, because he says he doesn’t care what she says but just don’t want confrontation. I couldn’t take that she thinks she still has “rights” to him, and him not doing anything to set boundaries bugs me. I see it as either he still cares for her or he is afraid of her, because she might take his son away from him. Either way, I am not a consideration. It’s just him and his feelings.

Yes, I knew about all this before we got married. But it’s different when you get hit with reality like a ton of bricks – EVERY TIME I encounter her or her name comes up or I see something of hers in our house. Reality is I am not the FIRST one he’s proposed to (she said yes, but left him, so he ended up with me), our child won’t be his first. I feel I am taking seconds of everything, and he doesn’t see how it hurts me.Unless you are or have been in the same exact situation as me, I guess it will be easy to berate and judge me as being “unappreciative” or “unfair” to my husband. I gave up everything for him, even my past. He is stuck.

I appreciate and will continue to read all the advice here… but I am opposed to seeing a psychologist or a counselor. My peace comes from God, and all the things I’m going through is distracting me from God…

Thank you for your prayers and advice… God bless you all.
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“Love your neighbor and pray for those who persecute you” -Jesus

Your reluctance in counseling is a tell take sign you need it. The only reason to not want to go is to not want to think about or acknowledge your problems or to have the false belief that “I have it all together”.

I will pray for you,

And yes I understand where you are coming from. It’s just in this forum you will find truth and people who truly care and will tell the truth. If your looking for someone to affirm your behavior as you described…this is prob not the place.

Sincerely,

Divorced, Father of 3, Affected by family with un acknowledged mental illness.
 
I don’t think anyone wanted to berate you but help you see things from your husband’s point of view. And it’s hard to give advice to a stranger on a forum when we don’t know you or the other people involved nor the full circumstances. I think the bottom line is this. You are the one who feels stuck in your situation. Yes? I sympathize. I really do. However, you are trying to change people you cannot change and that brings about frustration. Most men hate confronting women about personal issues. They just don’t have the temperament for it. They like to think that if they do nothing everything will somehow work itself out. It doesn’t work that way, but that’s how they think. I know this as a woman who has been married for 30 years, so trust me, I know what I’m talking about. Both you and your husband need good, solid counseling with a good, solid Catholic counselor. Most priests are not trained to do this. Some are, but most simply aren’t. Ask your pastor for the name of a marriage counselor you and your husband can see together. If he can’t help you, contact your diocese. They will have a list of names for you. Truly, you need help with this situation because simply feeling bad and getting mad will not solve anything but only make things worse. A good counselor will give both you and your husband the tools you need to resolve your issues. All the best to you and your husband.
 
bluemistangel said:
I appreciate all your replies and advice. I actually feel a little ganged up on, like not one of you empathize with my situation. But I understand and I accept your advice. Most of it are things that I’ve heard before, from my mother and mother in law… Believe me, I have tried, and still am trying.

The one thing that bugged me about this is when someone said “Try to see the good in her.” I have been trying hard, but she has been making it difficult. I know this info about her because she herself has admitted that to my husband. Until just recently, my husband has had to draw a line with her, because she always talks to him about her personal life–NOT OF THEIR SON’s–her medical issues, her period, her sexual encounters with her current bf, etc–and that’s what triggered my disdain. Even after we got married, she still WOULD NOT respect boundaries.

And my husband has been passive about all this, because he says he doesn’t care what she says but just don’t want confrontation. I couldn’t take that she thinks she still has “rights” to him, and him not doing anything to set boundaries bugs me. I see it as either he still cares for her or he is afraid of her, because she might take his son away from him. Either way, I am not a consideration. It’s just him and his feelings.

Yes, I knew about all this before we got married. But it’s different when you get hit with reality like a ton of bricks – EVERY TIME I encounter her or her name comes up or I see something of hers in our house. Reality is I am not the FIRST one he’s proposed to (she said yes, but left him, so he ended up with me), our child won’t be his first. I feel I am taking seconds of everything, and he doesn’t see how it hurts me.Unless you are or have been in the same exact situation as me, I guess it will be easy to berate and judge me as being “unappreciative” or “unfair” to my husband. I gave up everything for him, even my past. He is stuck.

I appreciate and will continue to read all the advice here… but I am opposed to seeing a psychologist or a counselor. My peace comes from God, and all the things I’m going through is distracting me from God…

Thank you for your prayers and advice… God bless you all.
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Sorry you’re feeling ganged up on. Not the intention, just trying to help. Forgiveness is as much for yourself as for the other person, its letting go of the past, not letting the past control the here and now, as well as the future.

I would suspect your husband is very much afraid of losing contact with his son. He probably feels a lot of guilt for the situation he’s placed his child in. I’m lucky in that I’m a divorced father of 3, but they’re living with me not the ex. She just visists them in their home. A lot of divorced spouses use the kids as a poker chip/leverage. If he perceives you as somehow enabling this separation from his son it could breed resentment down the road. Similarly, the kid could have the same sort of resentment down the road if he perceives you as a barrier/impediment to his father.

But I agree, there do need to be boundaries. I’m not friends with my ex, even though she comes over quite often. But, since my kids can’t visit in her home I have to draw boundaries respecting my children’s needs as well as my own. He does need to understand his boundaries with her have to balance your marriages needs, his childs needs, your emotional needs, and your future childrens needs. Without being accusatory to him, you both need to talk (maybe a counselor will help) and figure out what you and he can deal with. Not as a matter of right and wrong, but as a recognition of realities. We’re human, we all have different limitations, breaking points, and situations dictate them. Its not about how you got here, its about dealing with it now. Stressing over both trying to have a child and dealing with his ex is human. Not a right or wrong thing, just a thing that needs to be dealt with. As you said, its now reality and different than when it was speculative.

A counselor, particularly a Catholic counselor, can actually help you use this to become closer to God. To integrate and direct your faith into assisting you to deal with it.

This woman is a child of God, pray for her salvation since it is what God desires, and frankly, her damnation wouldn’t help your life one bit. Pray she finds someone else to talk to other than your husband.

You don’t have to like her, but there’s no excuse not to be polite.
 
bluemistangel said:
I appreciate all your replies and advice. I actually feel a little ganged up on, like not one of you empathize with my situation. But I understand and I accept your advice. Most of it are things that I’ve heard before, from my mother and mother in law… Believe me, I have tried, and still am trying.

The one thing that bugged me about this is when someone said “Try to see the good in her.” I have been trying hard, but she has been making it difficult. I know this info about her because she herself has admitted that to my husband. Until just recently, my husband has had to draw a line with her, because she always talks to him about her personal life–NOT OF THEIR SON’s–her medical issues, her period, her sexual encounters with her current bf, etc–and that’s what triggered my disdain. Even after we got married, she still WOULD NOT respect boundaries.

And my husband has been passive about all this, because he says he doesn’t care what she says but just don’t want confrontation. I couldn’t take that she thinks she still has “rights” to him, and him not doing anything to set boundaries bugs me. I see it as either he still cares for her or he is afraid of her, because she might take his son away from him. Either way, I am not a consideration. It’s just him and his feelings.

Yes, I knew about all this before we got married. But it’s different when you get hit with reality like a ton of bricks – EVERY TIME I encounter her or her name comes up or I see something of hers in our house. Reality is I am not the FIRST one he’s proposed to (she said yes, but left him, so he ended up with me), our child won’t be his first. I feel I am taking seconds of everything, and he doesn’t see how it hurts me.Unless you are or have been in the same exact situation as me, I guess it will be easy to berate and judge me as being “unappreciative” or “unfair” to my husband. I gave up everything for him, even my past. He is stuck.

I appreciate and will continue to read all the advice here… but I am opposed to seeing a psychologist or a counselor. My peace comes from God, and all the things I’m going through is distracting me from God…

Thank you for your prayers and advice… God bless you all.
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It does sound like she is making things more complicated. She does not need to be discussing such personal things with your husband, and it is too bad that he will not set boundaries with her. Where do these conversations take place? I agree that he should be keeping his contact with her limited to their son only.

I wish that you were not opposed to counseling, because it seems like it would be a good idea for both you and your husband to go together. It is good to rely on God, but sometimes the way God helps us is through other people, including professionals who are trained to help us work through difficult situations. God wants your marriage to be healthy, and for both you and your husband to respect each other. Relying on someone else to help you both do this isn’t weakness. I hope you’ll consider it, and my prayers are with you.
 
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