Getting Over Husband's Sexual Past

[The_Bucket]

So… you don’t want to take steps to actually address the problem but you’re relatively OK with abandoning your husband and your stepchild. That does not make any sense at all.

You keep saying he’s “passive and non-confrontational.” Again, do you think perhaps it’s because he knows this woman and knows that being confrontational is pointless? Don’t you think that maybe he takes this approach not to hurt you but to protect his child and even to protect you?

It’s pretty clear to me that he wants to be as least emotionally invested in her life as possible. That’s a good thing. He wants to be a good father, he wants to be civil to the mother of his child but he wants to be your husband and not hers. These are all good things. I can understand why you’re stressed out but you need to look at things from his perspective. I think he’s probably doing what he thinks is best to protect himself, his child and you. He knows her. You don’t. Confrontation might just result in escalation and even more drama. You don’t want that. And confrontation about what? Her being a jerk? Chances are that she knows he thinks she’s a jerk… because they’re not together anymore. I don’t see how his making demands of her would solve anything, especially since he is in no position to make any demands of her anyway.

Outside of your refusal to consider counseling while actually considering divorce, which again makes no sense at all, this is what struck me: “No way will I share my husband with a mistress, because that is what she is.”

NO. SHE IS NOT.

She might be everything you say in terms of being manipulative, conniving and a mean person. But she is not a mistress. He did not betray you. He did not choose her over you and he did not “make a mistake” with her when he was with you. This happened before you got together and so she’s just another piece of his past. And if he’s confessed the sin, then there’s nothing on his soul in regards to that sin and there’s been no betrayal. None.

You are letting this woman’s actions and attitude twist the situation into something it’s not. You’re acting not just like this is a part of his past from prior to your relationship, but that it was some kind of actual betrayal to your marriage. It isn’t! It has nothing to do with you whatsoever! Whomever he was with prior to this woman maybe has a right to be mad, but you don’t.

Honestly, I think the person that needs counseling is you. Not even marriage counseling, because he didn’t do anything to you. From what I see, he’s tried to de-escalate a sticky and hostile situation, be a good father and stay emotionally distanced from the mother of his child so he can be a good husband to you. That’s a very tight rope to walk but I think he’s doing it. Could he use better communication skills? Probably. We all could. But he has done nothing to betray or hurt you here. You knew the situation and decided he was worth it. Now you’re being thrown for a loop. That’s OK. You just need new tools in your toolbox to deal with it. But you’re not going to acquire those tools and learn how to use them by talking to people on the Internet, refusing counseling and considering divorce. All you’re going to do is feel further victimized, resentful and probably hurt your husband emotionally over something he can’t control.

 

[bluemistangel]

That is a huge mistake. A step-mother is not a mother. Keep that idea out of your mind because it will never happen. It would be one thing if she was out of the picture, but she isn’t and she is his mom. You are the step-mom. One of the reasons my step-mom is so successful is that she understood that. (probably because she had kids of her own.) She respected my mother and her rights and she never tried to overstep her bounds and be a “second mommy”. To this day she and my mom are good friends. (They might be sitting on my mom’s patio at this moment, drinking cocktails and talking about what is wrong with me.)

Before you give up on this situation, I recommend that you see if you can find a support group of step-parents in your area. I’m not being the least bit sarcastic when I say that this role requires training. At the very least, seek out advice from an online group or a self-help book. You’re going to have to give up on being jealous and resentful before you get anywhere though. There is hapiness to be had though. Perhaps the fact that you’ve been having difficulty concieving is a bit of a blessing. Maybe God wants you to get clear of this hurdle before introducing someone new and innocent into your life.

I agree. God doesn’t want me to be a mother. And because of that, I cannot stay in this marriage. My stepson will always be a reminder of how God chose to give that awful woman a son and not me, who has given up everything for her husband. Thanks for validating my suspicion.

 

[bluemistangel]

Honestly, I think the person that needs counseling is you…

You’re right. I have the problem or I am the problem. My husband is blameless. I should not have married such a perfect man.

Yes, I’m being sarcastic. But also humbled. Hence, I’m considering divorce. Why subject my poor husband to more turmoil? Better to end it before things get worse for him and me… and his son.

Thank you, Bucket, for being so emphatic.

I will talk to him this weekend to let him know that I am considering divorce. I can’t stay in a marriage where I feel “victimized” by the situation.

This I am sure of, if we do divorce: After this, I will never marry again.

 

[bluemistangel]

I thank and apologize to everyone. It must be emotionally draining for y’all to chastise and give advice to a complete stranger who not only is stubborn but is also jaded. This whole situation has tested my faith in God (and has made me rethink my chosen religion. Maybe even Catholicism isn’t for me, because I just can’t seem to see this community’s POV on my situation). I have asked Him for help and He has, through all of you. But I think, after reading and considering all that has been said, I am just hopeless. I do not want to be destroyed by this situation or let it destroy the other people in it. I have to end it. This weekend, I will discuss divorce with my husband. I am the problem, that much has been made clear to me by everyone, and even I admit that. So I’m taking myself out of the equation and hope to God my husband moves on and be happy with his son. I, on the other hand, will not marry again. I guess I’m just not wired for such a commitment. I should’ve thought about that before, but shoulda, coulda, woulda. Thank you, all… and may God bless you.

 

[Allegra]

I thank and apologize to everyone. It must be emotionally draining for y’all to chastise and give advice to a complete stranger who not only is stubborn but is also jaded. This whole situation has tested my faith in God (and has made me rethink my chosen religion. Maybe even Catholicism isn’t for me, because I just can’t seem to see this community’s POV on my situation). I have asked Him for help and He has, through all of you. But I think, after reading and considering all that has been said, I am just hopeless. I do not want to be destroyed by this situation or let it destroy the other people in it. I have to end it. This weekend, I will discuss divorce with my husband. I am the problem, that much has been made clear to me by everyone, and even I admit that. So I’m taking myself out of the equation and hope to God my husband moves on and be happy with his son. I, on the other hand, will not marry again. I guess I’m just not wired for such a commitment. I should’ve thought about that before, but shoulda, coulda, woulda. Thank you, all… and may God bless you.

All that, rather than seeking a counselor? Sometiems life is ‘uncomfortable’. If your going to be a wife, a mom, a step-mom, a sister, a good friend, a Christian, or anything else that is worth being, you have to deal with ‘uncomfotable’.

 

[MJJean]

I agree. God doesn’t want me to be a mother. And because of that, I cannot stay in this marriage. My stepson will always be a reminder of how God chose to give that awful woman a son and not me, who has given up everything for her husband. Thanks for validating my suspicion.

How long have you been married? How long have you been trying to conceive? Have you spoken to a doctor about your fertility?

You seem very insecure. You doubt your ability to hold on to your husband with his baby’s mother tempting him. You doubt your ability to be a step-parent. You doubt your ability to make a baby of your own.

You say that you do not want counseling because you do not want to be judged. Have you considered faith based counseling with a qualified priest? Priests are very practiced in not judging those that seek help, but guiding them.

Let an old married lady give you some advice and explain a few things I have learned over the years to you.

Men, for the most part, are fixers. If you come to your husband with a problem, he wants to fix it for you. In this case, he can’t. He can’t change the past and he can’t abandon his child. How you feel about his ex and their child is not something he can fix for you. You have to fix this problem yourself.

That said, he can offer reassurance. He can tell you and he can show you that he loves you and is faithfully devoted to you. However, most men do not realize that we women need reassurance often. They tell us what we need to know a few times and figure we got it. It’s entirely possible your husband thought marrying you and telling you he loves you is enough. Let him know, without mincing words, that you need verbal and non-verbal reassurance often.

I was married to a cheating, lying, abusive jackass. When he would cheat on me I would get angry at the other women. They were temptresses. How could they do that to another woman and how could they not respect marriage vows? The last time I caught him with another woman I had an epiphany. It wasn’t the woman betraying marriage vows. It’s wasn’t the woman cheating on me. It was my husband betraying me and breaking vows he made.

The reality is that there are always going to be women out there trying to tempt a man. What matters is the man. Do you trust your husband? Do you believe that he has grown and changed and that he has learned from his past and that he wouldn’t give in to temptation? The bottom line is that the ex’s behavior doesn’t matter. What matters is how your husband behaves. If he is polite and decent without getting emotionally involved with her and avoids being in situations that could be considered improper then you have nothing to worry about.

You say he won’t talk about it. Of course he doesn’t want to talk about it! I know when something is really bothering me and cannot be fixed I will talk and talk and talk about it. My poor husband burns out. He just can’t stand another word on the subject for a while. He just wants to be normal and talk about other things to reconnect with me and be reminded why we love each other and got married in the first place. Is it possible you obsess about this so much that he is just burned out, numb, and in desperate need of relaxation, closeness, and conversation that doesn’t include the subject of his son, his ex, and trouble conceiving?

And, yes, his passivity might be to keep the peace as someone else suggested, to be able to be involved with his child without having to repeatedly take the baby’s mother to court. It’s entirely possible he doesn’t want anything at all to do with this woman and hates even the smallest contact with her, but he has to go along with it to be able to be a father to his child.

You say you sacrificed everything for him. Really? What, exactly, have you sacrificed? You won’t let go of insecurity, jealousy, or this obsession over the past for him. You won’t sacrifice some pride and seek therapy for him.

 

[Eva_B]

My husband and I dealt with a similar situation. He & his previous girlfriend had a baby who was put up for adoption. The mother (who was married with children by then) was in our lives simply because she wouldn’t stop writing to my husband, which he thought was fine (!) She’d write on the baby’s birthday (by then the girl was 7 or 8), include photos that she received from the adoption agency, and tell him that the “life of our flesh” is just beautiful. The girl looked just like her. I thought that I would feel better after we had children, but I didn’t. I finally said “no more” - you can surely have contact with your daughter if she finds you at age 18, or write to the agency for information to be sent to you, but the contact with the mother MUST stop - he wrote her a letter telling her as much and we both signed it.

My advice to you: the baby isn’t the problem. The woman is. You cannot be expected to see her and feel nothing. Can you arrange it so that neither you or your husband ever needs to see her again? Can someone else be the middle man to bring the child to your husband or vice versa? Even if she didn’t dress immodestly, I can’t imagine the cross of having to see her over & over. It’s not fair to you - don’t feel guilty about that. Our modern world tells us that we should be able to “be adults” and get over it - they are wrong. This is a visceral thing - you DO love your husband - don’t be tempted to think that you don’t. I will pray for your family.

Eva

 

[MJJean]

My advice to you: the baby isn’t the problem. The woman is. You cannot be expected to see her and feel nothing. Can you arrange it so that neither you or your husband ever needs to see her again? Can someone else be the middle man to bring the child to your husband or vice versa? Even if she didn’t dress immodestly, I can’t imagine the cross of having to see her over & over. It’s not fair to you - don’t feel guilty about that. Our modern world tells us that we should be able to “be adults” and get over it - they are wrong. This is a visceral thing - you DO love your husband - don’t be tempted to think that you don’t. I will pray for your family.

Eva

This isn’t a child being raised by other parents who has both a mother and a father to take care of him and be there for him such as your husbands child has. This is a biological parent who is involved with his son. Very different situation.

Not realistic to expect the mother and father never to see each other. What about school plays? What if the child is ill or injured and hospitalized? Birthdays? School graduations (in our area they have graduation ceremonies for pre-school, kindergarten, 6th grade, 8th grade and 12th grade)? Parent-teacher conferences? Sporting events and competitions? Weddings? Funerals?

The father should attend those events to support his son. It’s not right to ask him to miss milestones in his child’s life. Besides, what do you say to the child? “Sorry, baby, but Daddy can’t come to your baseball game because my wife doesn’t want to see your mom and I can’t go without her or she might think I did something improper.”

Yes, not wanting to see the child’s mother is a visceral thing. But that isn’t an excuse. We are more than gut instinct. In this case modern society does have it right. We all need to jump off the whiny victim drama train, grow up and suck it up.

 

[Jon_S_1]

I thank and apologize to everyone. It must be emotionally draining for y’all to chastise and give advice to a complete stranger who not only is stubborn but is also jaded. This whole situation has tested my faith in God (and has made me rethink my chosen religion. Maybe even Catholicism isn’t for me, because I just can’t seem to see this community’s POV on my situation). I have asked Him for help and He has, through all of you. But I think, after reading and considering all that has been said, I am just hopeless. I do not want to be destroyed by this situation or let it destroy the other people in it. I have to end it. This weekend, I will discuss divorce with my husband. I am the problem, that much has been made clear to me by everyone, and even I admit that. So I’m taking myself out of the equation and hope to God my husband moves on and be happy with his son. I, on the other hand, will not marry again. I guess I’m just not wired for such a commitment. I should’ve thought about that before, but shoulda, coulda, woulda. Thank you, all… and may God bless you.

Unbelievably Selfish and illogical.

I will tell you from experience, if you think divorce washes away your problems your very wrong. It will compound your problems 1000 times over.

You need serious help. Please seek it.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

OP,

things are getting a bit heated and emotional here. Maybe you could take a break from the forum for a couple of days, speak to a priest, pray and just calm down. Think about the advice you received and what you can apply to your situation. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. You don’t have to make a decision about divorce. I think you just need to breathe.

I’m going to pray the chaplet of St. Michael for your intention right now. :console:

 

[bluemistangel]

All that, rather than seeking a counselor? Sometiems life is ‘uncomfortable’. If your going to be a wife, a mom, a step-mom, a sister, a good friend, a Christian, or anything else that is worth being, you have to deal with ‘uncomfotable’.

Apart from the first 3 things you mentioned, I have been successful at being the others on your list… including daughter, etc. Christian though is questionable now as I am also considering switching to a more suitable faith/religion for myself. Or none at all. I think God is done with me…

Thank you, Allegra, for your time and advice. It has been… real.

 

[Allegra]

. Can you arrange it so that neither you or your husband ever needs to see her again? Can someone else be the middle man to bring the child to your husband or vice versa? Even if she didn’t dress immodestly, I can’t imagine the cross of having to see her over & over. It’s not fair to you - don’t feel guilty about that. Our modern world tells us that we should be able to “be adults” and get over it - they are wrong. This is a visceral thing - you DO love your husband - don’t be tempted to think that you don’t. I will pray for your family.

Eva

Please! No one attempt to follow this advice! That little boy deserves better than that! A person with this mentality should never, ever, ever, ever be a step-parent! If you are a parent and you are discerning marriage, and your fiance even presents something like this as a possible viable option for our family, they are not ready to be your spouse! Keep them away from your kid until they get a wake up call. When you marry a parent, you marry their child as well and you have to suck it up and do the right thing.

 

[Della]

Apart from the first 3 things you mentioned, I have been successful at being the others on your list… including daughter, etc. Christian though is questionable now as I am also considering switching to a more suitable faith/religion for myself. Or none at all. I think God is done with me…

Thank you, Allegra, for your time and advice. It has been… real.

Taking all the negativity into yourself is not healthy. You are NOT the problem, but you definitely have a problem.

Counselors are not judges. That is not their function. They are there to advise you and guide you as you discover for yourself what is needed. You have a completely erroneous idea of what counseling is and what it’s for.

Don’t be embarrassed to seek help. If you had a broken arm because you did something foolish, would you stay away from the doctor because he might think you did something silly? Of course not. You are in pain. You need someone who can help you deal with your pain and help you resolve it. You can’t do that on your own.

Recognizing that you need help is only the first step. Next you get the help you need. Divorce will not solve your issues. If you run from your problems they will chase you down and devour you. But if you face them, as hard as it may be, you will conquer them. This is the voice of experience here. I know what I’m talking about. So, get help and get it ASAP. You have my prayers.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I thank and apologize to everyone. It must be emotionally draining for y’all to chastise and give advice to a complete stranger who not only is stubborn but is also jaded. This whole situation has tested my faith in God (and has made me rethink my chosen religion. Maybe even Catholicism isn’t for me, because I just can’t seem to see this community’s POV on my situation). I have asked Him for help and He has, through all of you. But I think, after reading and considering all that has been said, I am just hopeless. I do not want to be destroyed by this situation or let it destroy the other people in it. I have to end it. This weekend, I will discuss divorce with my husband. I am the problem, that much has been made clear to me by everyone, and even I admit that. So I’m taking myself out of the equation and hope to God my husband moves on and be happy with his son. I, on the other hand, will not marry again. I guess I’m just not wired for such a commitment. I should’ve thought about that before, but shoulda, coulda, woulda. Thank you all… and may God bless you.

First, you did not cause the problem. HOWEVER, the way we handle problems that confront us can determine whether or not we become part of the problem. This is the internet, and we don’t have all of the details, but the way you are describing how you are handling the problem is not good.

Running from the problem solves NOTHING. All it does is demonstrate how you would likely solve problems in the future. If you run from this, chances are you will also run from other relationships in the future.

You also shouldn’t be thinking about just yourself. His son needs stability, as all children do. You can take real action to stabilize your relationship and give that to his son. Destroying the current relationship simply adds more instability to this child’s life, and chances are he’ll be one really screwed up kid when he gets older.

Your husband should be handling this situation. Personally, I would’ve stepped in if he didn’t, but we all handle things differently. If there is no push back from anyone, abusive people will walk all over you. I’ve done this a few times over the years when people walked all over my wife, and none of those problems exist anymore.

 

[bluemistangel]

You say you sacrificed everything for him. Really? What, exactly, have you sacrificed? You won’t let go of insecurity, jealousy, or this obsession over the past for him. You won’t sacrifice some pride and seek therapy for him.

In a nutshell, I basically left everything I know–my church, my family, my career, my friends, my house, my car, my comfort zone, etc–to relocate and be with my husband. Nothing from my past ever comes up, because I have no skeletons or baggage. I gave up everything. He did not give up anything. He acquired me. He didn’t have to turn his world around. I did. So please, PLEASE, don’t ever tell me I have not sacrificed anything.

 

[bluemistangel]

OP,

things are getting a bit heated and emotional here. Maybe you could take a break from the forum for a couple of days, speak to a priest, pray and just calm down. Think about the advice you received and what you can apply to your situation. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. You don’t have to make a decision about divorce. I think you just need to breathe.

I’m going to pray the chaplet of St. Michael for your intention right now. :console:

Thank you, Contra Mundum. I do need to breathe. But I am faced with this situation every day, so it’s kind of hard. I’m a stay at home wife and pretty much have very little contact with my friends and family. They are all over the US, so I feel so alone. And I would not want them to get involved with this, because I don’t want them to get worried.

Thanks for your prayers… I am just at my wit’s end. And my husband just doesn’t see it. I’ve tried to tell him, but he is passive…

 

[styrgwillidar]

blumistangel,

You have a right to feel how you feel. You can’t pretend not to feel that way, if you suppress or try to deny it, than it can turn to depression. The hard part is figuring out how to deal with it constructively.

It seems the larger part of the problem is the communication with your husband, and trying to understand what he is feeling/thinking. Most importantly, the perception that he is unsupportive or insensitive to your concerns.

I think him getting into counseling as a way of assuring you that he takes your concerns seriously could be helpful in and of itself. A positive, concrete action on his part to acknowledge he does appreciate your position and concens. Even if the session itself is unproductive, him just showing he’s willing to be there for you could be a big boost. Passive and careflully listening and acknowledging you is different than passive to the point of seeming uncaring.

Since you’ve moved and given up everything, you need to build your life again. Sign up for classes or partake in activities to build a new circle of friends with similar interests. Losing, or feeling you’ve lost your support network is devastating at times like these. It’s easy to focus on what we’ve lost to the point we fail to see and seize the opportunities that are available to us. What are the things you’ve always wanted to do? SCUBA, skydive, quilt, play an instrument, cook better, paint, sculpt? Now would actually be a good time to try a few of those things-- before more kids come along. Won’t be a lot of time then. And you’ll meet friends you can hang onto, even if you have to stop those activities for awhile.

I’m atypcial as a man in that I kept the kids. But typical in that I lost the friends in the divorce. I spent an awful lot of time on the phone with my sister. I found it very helpful to have a counselor, a neutral person to just interact and talk with, give advice on the kids. They didn’t provide a lot of insight, but it did help enormously in getting through things. It can take a long time to build up a circle of friends again, but it needs to be done.

 

[bluemistangel]

blumistangel,

You have a right to feel how you feel. You can’t pretend not to feel that way, if you suppress or try to deny it, than it can turn to depression…

Since you’ve moved and given up everything, you need to build your life again…

I’m atypcial as a man in that I kept the kids. But typical in that I lost the friends in the divorce. I spent an awful lot of time on the phone with my sister. I found it very helpful to have a counselor, a neutral person to just interact and talk with, give advice on the kids. They didn’t provide a lot of insight, but it did help enormously in getting through things. It can take a long time to build up a circle of friends again, but it needs to be done.

I am on this forum, because I am already depressed… I have been in this depression for some time and it is eating me up…

I don’t know how to build my life again, not when I am in this situation, because my hatred for that woman and my husband’s passiveness is consuming me. People I have tried to be friends with over here all defend my husband, because this is his turf.

You are lucky to have your support system. But I would not subject my loved ones to my turmoil. I seek help on this forum, to have a sounding board… and everyone has been “helpful” and honest… It hurts to be judged, but you all are right.

The only thing that’s wrong is people think I should go to counseling. I CAN’T. It doesn’t work for me. I’m not responsive to such interventions. It’s one thing to be judged online, but face to face… No, I have to keep my dignity… at least what’s left of it.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Here’s my advice as someone in a similar but not identical situation. Are you sure your issue is with your husband’s sexual past? Being in a relationship where a child is involved is NOT easy. It is walking a fine line, I love my step son as my own BUT I respect that his mom is his mom and I don’t attempt to take her place or BE that to him. Counseling helps, and I don’t know what your past experiences with counseling have been but if you have a good person talking with you, you are not being judged. Our counselor has helped us navigate these waters and has offered me a perspective and yes even encouragement that I couldn’t have gotten from anywhere else because it is unbiased.

I understand how you feel, my intended’s ex can be difficult at times but patience, kindness, and learning how to connect with your husband are paramount. How do you reconnect with your husband? We have a thing we do where we hug silently for at least 60 seconds after we encounter something stressful or even if we are around a large group or have entertained friends. It seems silly but its a huge help.

Also how much time did you spend around the child before you were married? Once we decided that we were serious my SO wanted me to meet his son, and me and the kid became fast friends. I think for people who have children from previous relationships its not realistic to expect things to magically come together after you say “I do”

You owe it to yourself, your husband and his child to try all you can to make this marriage work. Any situation with exes and children is not going to be easy but it can be rewarding and amazing if you are willing to do the work and learn how to be successful at it. As for the money, I understand that too, my SO’s ex has asked for an unfair amount of money in the past but I swallow hard and let him handle it, he knows how much I care for his son and I wouldn’t want to see him go without anything he needs so I accept there will be times that they parent in a way I wouldn’t but that is their child that they conceived in love before I was ever a part of the equation. I’m not saying its easy, I’m saying its worth it and I’m saying that you can’t let the co parenting drive a wedge in your marriage because you KNEW you were marrying someone with a child, someone with a past who wasn’t a virgin, YOU walked into that with your eyes open and said yes and now the rubber meets the road and you need to not give up.

 

[bluemistangel]

Please try and relax this is excellent advice. Take a deep breath and remember this, you are where you are and God has known from all eternity that you would be exactly where you are right now at this exact moment in time. He knows how hard this is for you and he is ready to help you. Pray for GRACE, pray for the Holy Spirit to give you the Grace that you need to get through this.

This is a difficult cross. Remember that Jesus did not want his cross either, Jesus asked God the Father to take away His cross. It is normal that you do not want this cross! It is normal that you do not want this stress and discord in your life!

Once you are able to calm down a little bit, the next rational step is to see what exactly that you CAN do. First of all you cannot change her and neither can your husband. You cannot change what she says, what she wears or how she acts and neither can your husband. You both must decide how the two of you are going to treat and react to her and your stepson.

Lastly, at this time please turn to your husband in a calm rational way and speak to a priest or a deacon when you can. It is no joke when a woman speaks of divorce and walking away, even on the internet. This is serious and should be taken seriously. Up until this time you and your husband have not handled the situation on your own well at all because things are falling apart. Please let others in the church help you, this is what we are here for no one has to or should go through something like this alone.

I’ve tried turning to my husband, but nothing… He just won’t, can’t see why this is eating me up. He thinks I should just get over it, because he has. I’m not like him who can shut off to things.

How can I relax when it is a constant, daily struggle? I agree with Allegra that maybe this is why I can’t conceive, because I am not in my right mind, whatever that is. I don’t know anymore.

I feel I have lost myself in all this. I feel lost…