Getting over my boyfriend's sexual past

[mschocolat]

I am not saying his affection for you is not real. I am only saying that you ought not take it for granted as your due, as something that is there for you to either take or leave. That is not a good attitude; you ought to see pleasing him as something that takes an effort and commitment on your part. Not that you weren’t, but just a caution to think about this is the context both of what is good for him and good for you. Do not allow yourself to think of your boyfriend as a buyer in a seller’s market. That is not a good habit of thought for a married woman to have, that’s all I mean.

I’m glad to hear you argue with him when he says he doesn’t deserve you, for instance. That means that you realize on some level that your courtship is about whether you are RIGHT for each other, not whether you are WORTHY of each other. If you don’t marry him, it won’t be because you “hate” him, right? It won’t be because he is not worthy. It will be because one of you doesn’t think all the elements necessary for the total commitment of marriage are in place. You sound as if you believe he is committed to chastity and is going to make someone a very lucky wife, because your concern is about his past, rather than about whether you trust him to be faithful in the future. That doesn’t mean that if you don’t judge yourself to be that lucky woman that you’ve made some judgment on him as a person. It may only mean that you’ve decided you’re not satisfied with the match of you as a couple. There is a big difference!!

You have a lot going for you. Don’t rush this, and don’t let him make it about whether he is worthy. Instead, make sure that you have done the emotional work to make you right for each other. Some virgins can get past it when a potential spouse is not a virgin, and some can’t. That is OK. Some people (although not all) feel grief that they have to do that work. That is also OK. Just be sure that you don’t act as if he’s got some work to do that he ought to be doing when he’s doing all he can.

Yep, i never want to say it and it is not my intention to say he’s not worthy or i am.
I so badly want to get over this unreasonable emotion and it’s just a lot of hard work on my part, more so than him. He treats as if this is ‘our’ problem but at the same time, i know for sure that this is my own problem so I don’t want him to get involved before I hurt him.

 

[mschocolat]

My advice is to not worry too much that you still have some concerns. Difficult feelings don’t go away by scrubbing at them any more than wounds heal by scratching and picking at them. Tend the wound as you ought, but otherwise get used to keeping your fingernails off of it! That is how you prevent scar formation, those things that you “regret forever” (if you choose to live in regret, but that is another thread. )

If you knew and you were holding on because you felt guilty about “rejecting” him, that would be a problem. If you are taking some time reconciling his sin in an area where you have only achieved virtue through great effort and by thinking of the needs of your future spouse, well, of course you are. Let that take some time.

Who to talk to? Talk to the one you’re going to listen to. If you’ll listen to a priest and not a counselor, then talk to the priest, even if it is only for reassurance about how a counselor might help you. Talk therapy only helps when the client is going to listen both to herself talking and to the responses of her pastor or counselor. If you’re not going to listen to anything but what you want to hear, no one can help you. If you’re ready to listen to anyone trustworthy who might give you a new way to look at this, then either or both can help you.

Look at it this way: If you both knew 100% tomorrow that you wanted to marry, you still couldn’t marry tomorrow. You have all the time in the world, so let this take some time until it becomes clear that it won’t be worth the time. In the meantime, you’ll both be learning about yourselves, what is important to you, and how to think about what is important to you in a spouse, and that is preparation for marriage, too, even if you both marry some other unique and wonderful and loveable someone than each other.

I agree, all I can do is to take time and process it in my head and just trying to look at things positively. I have one of those moments where I just tell myself, ‘well, in the end, this is nothing in this world that i can hold on to…’ it is a bit of a passive thinking but it helps from time to time, just helps me to relax a little

 

[Cathoholic]

Mschocolat. I mentioned your boyfriend regrets either his fornication OR he regrets merely WHO he fornicated with. It matters how he thinks. “Ideas have consequences”.

I stated that I was concerned that it sounds more like your boyfriend merely regretted WHO he fornicated with exhibiting a sexually promiscuous attitude right now.

You stated:

Actually you are on the right track. He wishes I was the one he gave his virginity to . . .

Some people on the thread here are talking about “forgiveness” in the wrong sense. You can “forgive” the man yet still not marry him.

God forgave Moses, but Moses still was not allowed to enter the Promised Land (Moses had a price to pay). Incidentally Moses was contrite too. Likewise King David was contrite about his adultery with Bathsheba. Yet God told him he must pay an account with the life of his son (2nd Samuel 12:14)! Forgiving Jesus reminds both the justified and the condemned they will pay an account for every wrong word they utter (Matthew 12:36-37).

This is non-sense trying to imply you are not a forgiving person unless you marry this man. Forgiveness and an appropriate admonition are NOT mutually exclusive.

OK. So what is “appropriate” here?

If he **still **thinks “sexual relations are OK outside of the bounds of marriage” and you affirm him in that attitude by marrying him anyway when you know this, then you may be sitting there several years from now asking your husband WHY he is having sexual relations with his co-worker.

If he thought through his answer he might just tell you . . .

“Well Mschocolat, I think it’s OK to have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage. I thought I made that clear to you years ago, even before we got married. Like back when I implied as such back in 2013.”

At that point you may have children that are adversely affected by this promiscuous attitude of his too. Then you may be sitting around one night weeping and asking yourself: “HOW in the world is it, that this man can think sexual relations outside the realm of marriage is OK? How can he do this to us?”

Then your children get this example from him too and . . .

But the answer to that question “How can he do this to us?” will be right back on this forum.

The answer will be, he always thought that way and you knew he always thought that way and you married him anyway.

This is why I stated on my last post here, that you need to go see a good Catholic Priest and perhaps talk to a consecrated virgin too. They will give you insights that we cannot give you on a forum such as this. Don’t trust worldly opinions to safeguard your holy virginity, especially in our epoch.

If a guy/gal goes into the Confessional and confesses his/her sins and he/she is not sorry (if there is no true contrition), if they are obstinate in their sin, do you know the Priest is not supposed to give absolution to them? See CCC 1480 for example—“contrition” as an essential part of the Sacrament—this is taught elsewhere too.

Your boyfriend sounds obstinate in his sin CURRENTLY (right now! We are not just talking in “the past”) and not merely someone who has sinned in “the past” (if what you told me is correct, he interiorly thinks, “It’s OK to have sex outside of the realm of marriage” right now).

If this is the case and you were my daughter, I’d suggest to you to drop him immediately, steadfastly never turning back. You “owe” your hand in marriage in this sense to nobody. Think about what you owe your children that you will have in a marriage someday too—don’t merely center this decision on yourself.

Pray to God to send a heroic man of God into your life if you have discerned you are being called to the married state. They are out there.

 

[mschocolat]

Mschocolat. I mentioned your boyfriend regrets either his fornication OR he regrets merely WHO he fornicated with. It matters how he thinks. “Ideas have consequences”.

I stated that I was concerned that it sounds more like your boyfriend merely regretted WHO he fornicated with exhibiting a sexually promiscuous attitude right now.

You stated:

Some people on the thread here are talking about “forgiveness” in the wrong sense. You can “forgive” the man yet still not marry him.

God forgave Moses, but Moses still was not allowed to enter the Promised Land (Moses had a price to pay). Incidentally Moses was contrite too. Likewise King David was contrite about his adultery with Bathsheba. Yet God told him he must pay an account with the life of his son (2nd Samuel 12:14)! Forgiving Jesus reminds both the justified and the condemned they will pay an account for every wrong word they utter (Matthew 12:36-37).

This is non-sense trying to imply you are not a forgiving person unless you marry this man. Forgiveness and an appropriate admonition are NOT mutually exclusive.

OK. So what is “appropriate” here?

If he **still **thinks “sexual relations are OK outside of the bounds of marriage” and you affirm him in that attitude by marrying him anyway when you know this, then you may be sitting there several years from now asking your husband WHY he is having sexual relations with his co-worker.

If he thought through his answer he might just tell you . . .

“Well Mschocolat, I think it’s OK to have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage. I thought I made that clear to you years ago, even before we got married. Like back when I implied as such back in 2013.”

At that point you may have children that are adversely affected by this promiscuous attitude of his too. Then you may be sitting around one night weeping and asking yourself: “HOW in the world is it, that this man can think sexual relations outside the realm of marriage is OK? How can he do this to us?”

Then your children get this example from him too and . . .

But the answer to that question “How can he do this to us?” will be right back on this forum.

The answer will be, he always thought that way and you knew he always thought that way and you married him anyway.

This is why I stated on my last post here, that you need to go see a good Catholic Priest and perhaps talk to a consecrated virgin too. They will give you insights that we cannot give you on a forum such as this. Don’t trust worldly opinions to safeguard your holy virginity, especially in our epoch.

If a guy/gal goes into the Confessional and confesses his/her sins and he/she is not sorry (if there is no true contrition), if they are obstinate in their sin, do you know the Priest is not supposed to give absolution to them? See CCC 1480 for example—“contrition” as an essential part of the Sacrament—this is taught elsewhere too.

Your boyfriend sounds obstinate in his sin CURRENTLY (right now! We are not just talking in “the past”) and not merely someone who has sinned in “the past” (if what you told me is correct, he interiorly thinks, “It’s OK to have sex outside of the realm of marriage” right now).

If this is the case and you were my daughter, I’d suggest to you to drop him immediately, steadfastly never turning back. You “owe” your hand in marriage in this sense to nobody. Think about what you owe your children that you will have in a marriage someday too—don’t merely center this decision on yourself.

Pray to God to send a heroic man of God into your life if you have discerned you are being called to the married state. They are out there.

Thank you for your insight but I honestly know that he would never commit adultery or cheat while married. He is so clear on that and even in a relationship, we both agreed that if one of us cheats then that’s the end of it.
He was just pointing out that if you are in a relationship with someone you truly love then it is okay to engage in sexual activity but once he’s married, he will devout himself to his family.
I mean I know him better any people on this forum do.
Yes but I would love to talk to a trusted priest or a counsellor for my sake, for his sake and for our sake.

 

[DL82]

I just want to say one thing, as a man who also had a sexual past when I married:

The intimacy within marriage IS different, more intense, more beautiful, more worthy. It has an eternal quality about it.

Anyone who has really repented of their sexual past (and I mean repented because they realise the harm it does to God and to the image of God in their own and others’ hearts) will recognise that this is something different.

Even if they haven’t reached that point, there is something about the forever-ness of married love, and something in the heart of every man’s conscience that tells him there’s something wrong with just ‘enjoying the moment’ outside of marriage. It is different.

Whatever your boyfriend has had with women in the past, if you get married, what you have together will be different. It will be more, and nothing can take that away, except your mistrust and suspicion.

 

[Xantippe]

“He was just pointing out that if you are in a relationship with someone you truly love then it is okay to engage in sexual activity but once he’s married, he will devout himself to his family.”

Why do you want to marry somebody who is going to be sharing these sort of ideas with your teenage and young adult children? Do you want that for your teenage daughters?

 

[mschocolat]

“He was just pointing out that if you are in a relationship with someone you truly love then it is okay to engage in sexual activity but once he’s married, he will devout himself to his family.”

Why do you want to marry somebody who is going to be sharing these sort of ideas with your teenage and young adult children? Do you want that for your teenage daughters?

I can’t speak for himself but I don’t think he will preach any ideas like that to children.

 

[MarcoPolo]

I’m so lost and don’t know what to do with myself and this relationship anymore.

If I may share the blog post I just made last week:
On Reconciliation: Can virginity be restored?

In the spiritual sense, he can recover the purity lost in that occasion in his past. He can do this by confession. If he has made a sincere confession, he becomes just as pure as if he had never committed the sin, because we believe in the power of the blood of the Lamb to wash every blemish.

 

[MarcoPolo]

Thank you for your insight but I honestly know that he would never commit adultery or cheat while married. He is so clear on that and even in a relationship, we both agreed that if one of us cheats then that’s the end of it.
He was just pointing out that if you are in a relationship with someone you truly love then it is okay to engage in sexual activity but once he’s married, he will devout himself to his family.
I mean I know him better any people on this forum do.
Yes but I would love to talk to a trusted priest or a counsellor for my sake, for his sake and for our sake.

Even cheating can be healed. The mentality you express here does not sound consistent with the vows you would be taking. Marriage is a commitment for better or worse, the giving of the self to the other. It sounds indeed like you both may do well to seek spiritual guidance on your preparedness for the sacrament.

Could I also recommend reading the encyclical by Pope Leo XIII Arcanum or Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can’t speak for himself but I don’t think he will preach any ideas like that to children.

It is very clear that you are satisfied that your boyfriends amendment is real.

I can agree with that. Much of St. Paul’s zeal was expressed in how much he had learned from the things he did in his past that he later renounced, and from his gratitude that he was made an Apostle, having done such reprehensible things to Christ and to his Church.

I have read from the psychologists that it is impossible to not think a thought. Ask yourself to not think about an elephant, and elephants are all you can think about. They say that instead you need to give yourself a different thought to think instead of the negative or destructive thought. In your case, when you think about your boyfriend’s past, you can think, “Thank you, Lord, your grace re-made St. Paul for the Gentiles. Thank you, Lord, your grace re-made St. Augustine for the early Church. Thank you, Lord, your grace has re-made this man for me.” You might also pray to St.Thérèse of Lisieux, who was delivered from her own sensitivity in the space of one Christmas Day and who saw enduring her daily slights for the Lord as her “little way” of holiness.

You can turn this around and make acceptance of your boyfriend into your own “little way”. When the devil tempts you to dwell on these sins which have been renounced, confessed, and absolved–and* since you do believe the amendment to be real*, make no mistake that these thoughts are temptations that come either from the devil or from a previously-undiscovered smallness of heart in you, and not from the Lord–then you can turn the thoughts to look at your boyfriend as the Lord sees him, as the lost coin found, as the lost sheep brought home, as the son who was dead and now lives. Even if you don’t marry him, get in the habit of rejoicing over his amendment of life, rather than dwelling on the sin that he has renounced. That is what Heaven is doing, after all!!

 

[EasterJoy]

If I may share the blog post I just made last week:
On Reconciliation: Can virginity be restored?

In the spiritual sense, he can recover the purity lost in that occasion in his past. He can do this by confession. If he has made a sincere confession, he becomes just as pure as if he had never committed the sin, because we believe in the power of the blood of the Lamb to wash every blemish.

Yes, but not quite. In the story of the Prodigal Son, the Father told the elder son in the story that “everything I have is yours.” The younger son was rejoiced over because he was dead and had returned to life. That is what is important. The temporal loss, however, is sometimes something that cannot be restored. Half of the estate was gone, that was a real loss, and that was a loss that the family was going to be moving past together. Next to having the brother back, though: a small thing. Half an estate, next to a son, is a small thing.

But yes…the soul can be returned to a state of fidelity and be reconciled with God (for which confession is the normal means) and that is what is needed for marriage. This is why I think the OP can proceed with a relationship with this fellow and does well to override her concentration on what was lost that cannot be restored: that is, what was lost is real, but because she is satisfied that the contrition and amendment are real it is something that charity and affection really can cover over. The bone may never look like one that has never been broken, but it can knit up and sometimes even be stronger than one that had never been injured, just like a real bone, yes.

The OP is not wrong, however, to recognize that if her husband comes to their marriage with illicit sexual behavior in his past, she loses something that would have been hers had he remained actually faithful in the care of his sexuality. He should not be treated as a pariah, but neither should she be chided too hard for feeling this loss. It is something they will be able to get past, if they are both willing, but it is something to get past.

My concern is twofold, then: Both for him, that this not be held over his head when he can do nothing to change the past except what he has done and also for her: that is, we should not imply that there is something wrong with her for finding some difficulty in getting past what he has done. He has set her up for some work to do, too. That is what our sins do to the people we sin against. By the economy of grace, however, both the sinner and the sinned against can grow stronger in the love of God and neighbor if they allow grace to carry them past the difficulty.

 

[Xantippe]

“I can’t speak for himself but I don’t think he will preach any ideas like that to children.”

If that’s what he believes, why wouldn’t he say that to your kids, particularly if they asked him? And if he does, don’t you think there will be problems with teenagers figuring out if they “truly love” somebody? Are your religious and moral beliefs truly compatible?

You don’t have to answer those questions, but I urge you to reflect on them.

 

[MarcoPolo]

Yes, but not quite. In the story of the Prodigal Son, the Father told the elder son in the story that “everything I have is yours.” The younger son was rejoiced over because he was dead and had returned to life. That is what is important. The temporal loss, however, is sometimes something that cannot be restored. Half of the estate was gone, that was a real loss, and that was a loss that the family was going to be moving past together. Next to having the brother back, though: a small thing. Half an estate, next to a son, is a small thing.

But yes…the soul can be returned to a state of fidelity and be reconciled with God (for which confession is the normal means) and that is what is needed for marriage. This is why I think the OP can proceed with a relationship with this fellow and does well to override her concentration on what was lost that cannot be restored: that is, what was lost is real, but because she is satisfied that the contrition and amendment are real it is something that charity and affection really can cover over. The bone may never look like one that has never been broken, but it can knit up and sometimes even be stronger than one that had never been injured, just like a real bone, yes.

The OP is not wrong, however, to recognize that if her husband comes to their marriage with illicit sexual behavior in his past, she loses something that would have been hers had he remained actually faithful in the care of his sexuality. He should not be treated as a pariah, but neither should she be chided too hard for feeling this loss. It is something they will be able to get past, if they are both willing, but it is something to get past.

My concern is twofold, then: Both for him, that this not be held over his head when he can do nothing to change the past except what he has done and also for her: that is, we should not imply that there is something wrong with her for finding some difficulty in getting past what he has done. He has set her up for some work to do, too. That is what our sins do to the people we sin against. By the economy of grace, however, both the sinner and the sinned against can grow stronger in the love of God and neighbor if they allow grace to carry them past the difficulty.

Thank you for bringing up the temporal consequences of sin. My focus was rather the eternal consequences and the purity of the soul that is indeed “restored” by the blood of Christ through the sacrament of Reconciliation.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for bringing up the temporal consequences of sin. My focus was rather the eternal consequences and the purity of the soul that is indeed “restored” by the blood of Christ through the sacrament of Reconciliation.

Your original point is well-taken, though: That is, while the temporal consequences are real, the eternal consequences are infinitely more important. The temporal consequences themselves can be covered over by the work of forgiveness, charity and mercy, so that even that real loss, like the losses perpetrated by St. Paul, can be turned into a victory that demonstrates the power of God in the lives of those who belong to him.

 

[Antecedent]

The most important thing to assess in a potential husband is his character. Do not rely on his words or promises. Sure, that’s nice and all - but his actions are what counts. Frankly, it sounds to me like you deserve better. Your boyfriend has made a few mistakes - and sure - we can forgive, but that doesn’t mean that you ignore what it means about his character. As a person who has been over-served more times than I like to admit - I can assure you that while inhibitions are lowered, alcohol does not change who you are - it reveals who you are. I’m of the mind that his past - repeated mistakes reveals his true character. Who you marry is the single most important decision you will make. Yes, people can change - but most don’t.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I think you’re making a mountain out of mullhill. His past is that his past. As long as he has values and respects your beliefs that’s all that should matter. If you’re looking for MR. Perfect or totally untarnished you’ll never find him. Take the word of a 40 something gal who never even found Mr. Values. This guy sounds like a keeper to me. Let him loose at your own risk you never know when or if you’ll find another good one. I never did. Just saying.

 

[mschocolat]

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses, I greatly appreciate it and I’m only here to hear different people’s opinion and seek possible solution other than my family and friends (whom I also have spoken to them about this issue).
No guy will be perfect and neither am I and it will be something I have to overcome in order to lead an easier life.
Please pray for my boyfriend and I.
God bless you all!

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses, I greatly appreciate it and I’m only here to hear different people’s opinion and seek possible solution other than my family and friends (whom I also have spoken to them about this issue).
No guy will be perfect and neither am I and it will be something I have to overcome in order to lead an easier life.
Please pray for my boyfriend and I.
God bless you all!

Whatever you do, as you go through life don’t conclude that you must be failing at something simply because it seems (to you) to be taking too long to get through it and challenges your serenity while you do. That’s a good time to pray and to seek support and good counsel, but that doesn’t mean you are failing, not by any means.

Hang in there. The two of you sound as if you have your heads on straight, and I don’t doubt you will make good spouses, whether or not you marry each other. Via con Dios!

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

He may have been immature in the past but he’s changed a lot in the last 4 years. I guess the problem is that I cannot accept his actions of immaturity from the past.

FWIW, this seems to be a common thing amongst virgins who are dating someone that is not a virgin. It’s probably a fear of the unknown.

Some people seem to be jealous of the fact that their significant other had relations with other people. Speaking from the other side, the past is really irrelevant. Both my wife and I have had relations outside of marriage in the past due to either being immature or non-practicing, and neither one of us could care less about the past. While we discussed this early one, we don’t think about it, nor even talk about it anymore…what matters is what is going on here and now.

What concerns me about your post is that the person you are dating does not appear to be Catholic (I didn’t read every post, so I may be wrong on this point). If you are serious about your faith, I would recommend reflecting on your situation. When a non-practicing Catholic makes mistakes and becomes a practicing Catholic, that’s one thing. When dealing with a non-Catholic Christian, that’s another story altogether. The views on basic moral matters tend to be different.

 

[mschocolat]

FWIW, this seems to be a common thing amongst virgins who are dating someone that is not a virgin. It’s probably a fear of the unknown.

Some people seem to be jealous of the fact that their significant other had relations with other people. Speaking from the other side, the past is really irrelevant. Both my wife and I have had relations outside of marriage in the past due to either being immature or non-practicing, and neither one of us could care less about the past. While we discussed this early one, we don’t think about it, nor even talk about it anymore…what matters is what is going on here and now.

What concerns me about your post is that the person you are dating does not appear to be Catholic (I didn’t read every post, so I may be wrong on this point). If you are serious about your faith, I would recommend reflecting on your situation. When a non-practicing Catholic makes mistakes and becomes a practicing Catholic, that’s one thing. When dealing with a non-Catholic Christian, that’s another story altogether. The views on basic moral matters tend to be different.

Yes I am jealous of the fact that he had other relationships.
I know past is past but it’s easier said than done.
Actually i forgot to point that out, he is not a Catholic but he respects my faith and I respect his. We actually had a serious discussion on this before but we came to a conclusion that it’s something that can be compromised between us and many people I have spoken to don’t think it’s a big deal since I know a lot of practising devout Catholics who married non-Catholic Christians.
I guess bringing children to church would be the biggest problem.