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Rau
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Why would it be a problem? If you wish to be married via the catholic sacrament of marriage, you are both required to promise to bring children up Catholic.
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TheWarriorMonk
Guest
IMHO, the jealously issue MUST be solved before ever considering marrying this person. Issues present prior to marriage only become worse after marriage.
Speaking as a person that was previously married to a non-Catholic Christian, this is a problem; spouses are unequally yoked. I wouldn’t make that mistake again. I’m not saying it can’t work out, but basic religious differences can become major hurdles, especially if one takes their religion seriously. Especially when dealing with the following issue:
That’s actually a HUGE problem, far more than jealously over prior relationship. There should be an unequivocal, 100% agreement on how the children are to be raised.
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EasterJoy
Guest
I’m a Catholic married to a non-Catholic. My husband is a prince. Our children are altar boys and the whole family only goes to our parish. My husband teaches them nothing but the Catholic faith (he was not catechized in his denomination, nor even taken to church very often), so we don’t even have a conflict about where to go to church on Sunday. It is a big deal, and the more serious you each are about your denomination, the bigger it is. Do not underestimate that one. Maybe you get married, anyway, but don’t think it is no big deal.
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mschocolat
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I think so. At the moment, we are just working things out.
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mschocolat
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forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=820806&highlight=husband±virgin
Just referring to this thread, i’m now scared that I’m going to go through the same problem if we do get married. Obviously I’m not planning on having sex before marriage so even if I have moved on from this and forgot about it, I feel like this insecurity is going to come up while we are having sex, me thinking about him with other women.
Just referring to this thread, i’m now scared that I’m going to go through the same problem if we do get married. Obviously I’m not planning on having sex before marriage so even if I have moved on from this and forgot about it, I feel like this insecurity is going to come up while we are having sex, me thinking about him with other women.
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TheWarriorMonk
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This can mean one of two things. The first is that you are insecure person and have to work this out, preferably with professional help. I would not recommend marrying someone with this issue present; it would not be fair to the future spouse.
The second is that your senses are simply telling you there is something wrong with the situation. That can most definitely be the case. As if often the case of marrying non-Catholics (Christian or otherwise), there is a different moral structure. A great many non-Catholics believe in divorce and contraception. While these issues might not necessarily be supported by their Church, at the same time it isn’t prohibited either. If the person isn’t faithful on top of that, then they may find premarital sex and other things considered immoral/sinful by Catholics perfectly acceptable.
If you told me this person was a Catholic that admitted to past mistakes, came back to the Church, and has a recent history of good behavior, I would be answering your concerns differently.
While my intent is not to be harsh or discouraging, I think you should seriously consider the situation you are in. A person such as yourself that has maintained the moral high ground should expect the same in return. I’m not saying that the other person must be a virgin, but IMHO another moral, currently practicing Catholic is the best case scenario. You deserve that.
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mschocolat
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I’m not an insecure person as myself, it’s not even insecurity about who’s better than who. I know I’m well brought up, I’m very well-regarded by people I know, I have achieved a lot in my life. I am confident in myself. It’s just an obsession over his past that a part of him used to be with someone else other than me. It’s like wanting a complete ownership of someone. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous and I know that.
He believes in contraception however he is absolutely against divorce (except cheating, this is something we both agree on whether in relationship or marriage, it’s something we both cannot tolerate and end things right there)
Maybe, God will send me someone I’m looking for, I don’t know yet but for now, I’m with him and i’m doing my best to deal with the situation.
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Xantippe
Guest
mschocolate said:
“He believes in contraception however he is absolutely against divorce (except cheating, this is something we both agree on whether in relationship or marriage, it’s something we both cannot tolerate and end things right there)”
If you don’t plan on using contraception, that is probably the worst incompatibility in your relationship. There are lots of threads here on the subject. If one spouse figures that they should have total control over their fertility and at most 1 or 2 perfectly timed children and the other wants to practice NFP or providentialism and welcome children as they come, the marriage is in awful peril. (Also, the spouse who expects total control is probably going to be disappointed, no matter who they marry.)
I continue to suspect that you don’t have as many shared values with your boyfriend as you think you do.
Also, bear in mind that your position on adultery within marriage is not exactly the Catholic one (hopefully somebody more informed will step up and explain the fine print). If adultery was all that was necessary to dissolve a Catholic marriage, anybody who wanted out of their marriage could just commit adultery and move on.
“He believes in contraception however he is absolutely against divorce (except cheating, this is something we both agree on whether in relationship or marriage, it’s something we both cannot tolerate and end things right there)”
If you don’t plan on using contraception, that is probably the worst incompatibility in your relationship. There are lots of threads here on the subject. If one spouse figures that they should have total control over their fertility and at most 1 or 2 perfectly timed children and the other wants to practice NFP or providentialism and welcome children as they come, the marriage is in awful peril. (Also, the spouse who expects total control is probably going to be disappointed, no matter who they marry.)
I continue to suspect that you don’t have as many shared values with your boyfriend as you think you do.
Also, bear in mind that your position on adultery within marriage is not exactly the Catholic one (hopefully somebody more informed will step up and explain the fine print). If adultery was all that was necessary to dissolve a Catholic marriage, anybody who wanted out of their marriage could just commit adultery and move on.
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EasterJoy
Guest
You might do that; it could happen. Feelings are funny that way. If you marry someone who has never had anyone but you for a girlfriend, you could also wonder if he isn’t tempted by women he meets at work because he didn’t date others before you.
When you think about it, it is kind of silly to suffer in your imagination over sufferings that your imagination might tempt you towards in the future, isn’t it? It does no good to worry about things that someone or something outside you might do to you, but worrying about new ways that you might think up someday to worry yourself is going a bit over the top!
Take your worries to the Lord, and let him free you from your anxieties and imagined trials. Learn how to get through these trials that come out of your emotions and your imagination. That is how you are going to prepare for your future, not by trying to find some fellow about whom you can never find a reason to worry. The latter is not going to happen.
Stop worrying about what may never happen
– what’s bound to happen is bad enough.
Ashleigh Brilliant, in Pot-Shots
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EasterJoy
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Do you know the Serenity Prayer? The most famous lines are in the start: *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. *
When you say “I’m doing my best to deal with the situation” about a boyfriend who really doesn’t suit your needs for a husband very well–I mean that he is not Catholic and does not see anything wrong with birth control, and not necessarily the virginity issue–you are missing the point that deciding not to keep pursuing a courtship with this fellow is a thing you can change.
For instance, if God were to send you someone today, this afternoon, what would you do then? Drop this guy you’re seeing now for the other guy? Well, if you’re ready to drop this guy if someone better comes along, then why not break it off now and let him find somebody who* will* think he’s the best there is? And if he is the best there is, then why would you have some vague hope that “God will send me someone I’m looking for”? Besides, don’t you understand that the fellow you have in mind is not someone who is going to let on that he has any interest in you whatsoever when he finds out that you already have a boyfriend, because his sense of integrity won’t allow him to do to your boyfriend what he would not want done to himself?
You cannot change your current boyfriend’s past. You are unlikely to change his attitude towards contraception, and he is unlikely to become a Catholic, which is going to make your married life difficult. Those are things you cannot change. You are not married yet. You don’t have to stay with him and worry about the women he’s had and worry about worrying in the future and settle for someone who is not going to be a model Catholic father for your children. You can break up with him and look for someone closer to what you want in a husband. That is something you can change. When you marry, some of the things you can change will become things you can’t change. Have the wisdom to know the difference, and have the courage to make a choice for yourself. Whichever way you choose–CHOOSE! Don’t just drift into a life you are going to tell yourself you never chose for yourself. Your boyfriend deserves better than that. Be very honest about what you are choosing and what, by extension, you are renouncing by choosing it. You are going to get what you choose, even if you try to ignore what you are choosing at the time the choices have to be made.
This is a quote from Bl. John Paul II that I am very fond of:
**The modern world boasts of the enticing door which says: everything is permitted.
It ignores the narrow gate of discernment and renunciation.
I am speaking especially to you, young Christians…Pay attention!
Your life is not an endless series of open doors!
Listen to your heart! Do not stay on the surface, but go to the heart of things!
And when the time is right, have the courage to decide!
The Lord is waiting for you to put your freedom in his good hands.
Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love,
and do not accept anything as love which lacks truth!
One without the other becomes a destructive lie…"**
John Paul II
at the Canonization of
St. Theresa Benedicta of the Cross, Edith Stein
Oct. 11, 1998
If you choose to stay with your boyfriend, then–CHOOSE HIM!! Be willing to say, “For you, I renounce all my thoughts of all others or what might have been.” Or else choose to let him go. Don’t give him half-hearted allegiance and half-gratitude for what he has to offer a wife. That is not fair to him and it is not giving God the opportunity to knit a good marriage for you to anyone, either this guy or someone else.’ If you don’t, I’m not sure that the charge of self-centeredness does not lie in wait for you. It is definitely a danger.
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KimberlyCat
Guest
Get another boyfriend.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Once validly married, the Catholic renounces all right to marry anyone else for as long as their spouse lives. According to canon law, “Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.” IOW, it is a grave sin to move out on your spouse without a legitimate reason. You are duty-bound to live together as husband and wife.
Two reasons a spouse has the right to separate with the bond remaining are: 1) adultery that the wronged spouse did not condone expressly or tacitly and 2) if one spouse seriously interferes with the ability of the other to live in safety and with at least the minimum amount of peace necessary for a sane Christian life: that is, one spouse may leave the other if the offending spouse “causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult.” In canon law itself the Church expressly *encourages *reconciliation after an adultery that has been repented from, but she does not require it.
It may become clear that the common conjugal life was rendered impossible because the marriage was not valid or it may only become clear after the fact that there were defects preventing a valid marriage from the start. In that case, a couple that has severed the common conjugal life and believes their marriage was never valid may ask for a tribunal to investigate that possibility. The tribunals sometimes find that the marriage was valid, even though the common conjugal life later became impossible. That is not grounds for a decree of nullity, and the separated spouses are not free to marry as long as their estranged spouse lives, even if they can obtain a civil divorce for the purpose of justly dividing property and the duties and rights of parenthood. If a spouse in a valid marriage becomes impossible to live with because of a permanent health issue (whether physical or mental) or a choice to sin (such as the choice to abandon the marriage), the marital bond remains.
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mschocolat
Guest
Thank you for all your answers again.
I actually had a discussion with my boyfriend about divorce and contraception.
He’s completely against divorce, he wants to do everything he can to save marriage if something happens. As for contraception, although he would like to use it from time to time, he will never force me to and it will be my choice to use or not.
I actually had a discussion with my boyfriend about divorce and contraception.
He’s completely against divorce, he wants to do everything he can to save marriage if something happens. As for contraception, although he would like to use it from time to time, he will never force me to and it will be my choice to use or not.
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EasterJoy
Guest
What does he mean, “if something happens”? You guys don’t think that there are a lot of couples who really “believe in divorce”, do you? Only a total idiot “believes in divorce”. Certainly no one should ever marry someone who does, because it is hell on earth even when it is morally permissible.
Does he agree that even if *you *are unfaithful, he won’t be free to marry again if you had a valid marriage and then divorce later?
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Xantippe
Guest
EasterJoy said:
“Well, if you’re ready to drop this guy if someone better comes along, then why not break it off now and let him find somebody who will think he’s the best there is? And if he is the best there is, then why would you have some vague hope that “God will send me someone I’m looking for”? Besides, don’t you understand that the fellow you have in mind is not someone who is going to let on that he has any interest in you whatsoever when he finds out that you already have a boyfriend, because his sense of integrity won’t allow him to do to your boyfriend what he would not want done to himself?”
Yes! It’s not fair to hold onto somebody just because something better hasn’t come along yet.
I remember some previous threads we’ve had where guys were writing in about how smitten they are with a girl who has a boyfriend and how they are just dying from unrequited love. A lot of us married ladies argued that dating is not married, faint heart never won fair lady, all’s fair in love and war, so it’s not a big deal. Meanwhile, lots of single guys were writing that they would never, never make a pass at a girl with a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend may keep away the more timid, conscientious guys that might make excellent husbands.
mschocolate said:
“As for contraception, although he would like to use it from time to time, he will never force me to and it will be my choice to use or not.”
You might want to start a separate thread to talk about this particular issue.
How does he feel about family size? Also, how many kids are there in his family of origin? If his family of origin is very small, he might not really understand what life in a larger family is like.
“Well, if you’re ready to drop this guy if someone better comes along, then why not break it off now and let him find somebody who will think he’s the best there is? And if he is the best there is, then why would you have some vague hope that “God will send me someone I’m looking for”? Besides, don’t you understand that the fellow you have in mind is not someone who is going to let on that he has any interest in you whatsoever when he finds out that you already have a boyfriend, because his sense of integrity won’t allow him to do to your boyfriend what he would not want done to himself?”
Yes! It’s not fair to hold onto somebody just because something better hasn’t come along yet.
I remember some previous threads we’ve had where guys were writing in about how smitten they are with a girl who has a boyfriend and how they are just dying from unrequited love. A lot of us married ladies argued that dating is not married, faint heart never won fair lady, all’s fair in love and war, so it’s not a big deal. Meanwhile, lots of single guys were writing that they would never, never make a pass at a girl with a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend may keep away the more timid, conscientious guys that might make excellent husbands.
mschocolate said:
“As for contraception, although he would like to use it from time to time, he will never force me to and it will be my choice to use or not.”
You might want to start a separate thread to talk about this particular issue.
How does he feel about family size? Also, how many kids are there in his family of origin? If his family of origin is very small, he might not really understand what life in a larger family is like.
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mschocolat
Guest
No of course not. Between us, we never had trust or commitment issues and it’s just something that came naturally and we know what’s right or wrong therefore, I do not have any doubt about us having to even think of divorce.
He comes from a family of 5, where he’s the eldest and he has a brother and a sister and he could have had another younger sister but she died premature when he was pretty young.
Surprisingly, I’m an only child. Not having brothers or sisters left me really lonely and wanting a big family when i’m married but I’m lucky i’m surrounded by lots of good friends who look for me and support me.
We have discussed how many kids we would like to have ideally and came conclusion that we both want 3 or 4. I guess that means there has to be some kind of contraceptive involved or natural family planning(but he’s quite skeptical about it as to how successful it is)
I’m not saying I’m actively looking for my dream guy, i just want an answer from God whether my boyfriend is the one whom he sent for me or if there’s any guy out there he wants me to look for. Maybe, God will tell me if it’s time to end it and look for someone else or tell me to continue with this relationship, I have no idea.
For now, I’m only committed to my boyfriend and I can’t really imagine me being with someone else. Me saying things about possibly meeting another guy is maybe just to use it as an escape from reality that i’m having trouble facing. Every time I even think about it, i cry from how much i’m going to hurt my boyfriend and whip myself out of the thought and start thinking about our future together which helps me a little.
He comes from a family of 5, where he’s the eldest and he has a brother and a sister and he could have had another younger sister but she died premature when he was pretty young.
Surprisingly, I’m an only child. Not having brothers or sisters left me really lonely and wanting a big family when i’m married but I’m lucky i’m surrounded by lots of good friends who look for me and support me.
We have discussed how many kids we would like to have ideally and came conclusion that we both want 3 or 4. I guess that means there has to be some kind of contraceptive involved or natural family planning(but he’s quite skeptical about it as to how successful it is)
I’m not saying I’m actively looking for my dream guy, i just want an answer from God whether my boyfriend is the one whom he sent for me or if there’s any guy out there he wants me to look for. Maybe, God will tell me if it’s time to end it and look for someone else or tell me to continue with this relationship, I have no idea.
For now, I’m only committed to my boyfriend and I can’t really imagine me being with someone else. Me saying things about possibly meeting another guy is maybe just to use it as an escape from reality that i’m having trouble facing. Every time I even think about it, i cry from how much i’m going to hurt my boyfriend and whip myself out of the thought and start thinking about our future together which helps me a little.
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