Getting two different versions of the same girl.

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Lost_Wanderer

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For a while now, I’ve had people coming to me about my standards and how either should lower them or if there’s anything they can do to help. Seeing as I’m doing whatever it takes now, I told them there were free to find someone who at least met over 60-70% of my specifications.

One day, one of them said they found a passer and to my surprise, I actually found her both pretty and at the same time got to see a side her that might be what I’ve long been looking for.

Unfortunately, getting to know her has been tough. Whatever source of information I can get that doesn’t touch on borderline stalking just doesn’t tell me enough about who she really is. I’ve been trying to chat with her online but she’s kinda hard to reach. All I’ve had to go on is the word of others who know her.

Now to make matters worse, I kind of heard that she may already have a guy. My real problem though is that the friend who told me has this other friend. This Other Friend doesn’t seem to think I was given the right picture and that I oughta give up on her.

I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I’ve got people telling me she’s an angel but on the other, I’ve got this one lady who says she’s a silent vixen or something (that’s my reforming her words politely mind you).

It doesn’t matter whether I end up giving up or going for it, I just can’t make a decision without more information. What do I do!? DX

P.S.

Please refrain from making any comments that tell me to slow down or think about dating/marriage some other time cuz I’m ‘still young.’ Frankly, I am tired of that. Not in the mood for it and would appreciate any other advice that deals with the above situation. Thank you.
 
A lot of it’s going to depend on how you first became aware of her existence. Are you saying a friend showed you a picture and gave you a personality description? Have you met her in real life? Has the friend? Does she know you exist? :confused:

If the answer to the last 3 questions is “No”, you’re not really in a good position. In fact, she’s liable to think your interest is sort of creepy. Can’t tell from what you posted, though.
 
Would there be a problem asking this girl out for coffee or tea? Just as friends. I’m one for getting to know someone myself and listening less to what other people think of a person. Sometimes, well most of the time, the picture you get of a person through other people is inaccurate and tainted with their own agendas. See for yourself, you don’t have anything to lose by just meeting her as a friend over a cup of coffee. The worst thing that could happen is that she’s a total bust, or you just gain a new friend. The best thing, she could be exactly what you’re looking for in a spouse.
 
PatriceA said:
Would there be a problem asking this girl out for coffee or tea? Just as friends. I’m one for getting to know someone myself and listening less to what other people think of a person. Sometimes, well most of the time, the picture you get of a person through other people is inaccurate and tainted with their own agendas. See for yourself, you don’t have anything to lose by just meeting her as a friend over a cup of coffee. The worst thing that could happen is that she’s a total bust, or you just gain a new friend. The best thing, she could be exactly what you’re looking for in a spouse.
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Oh, was “picture” a metaphor? That would make a lot more sense. :o

In that case, I basically second everything PatriceA just said. Get to know her yourself, and don’t worry about what other people think. Make your own judgements.
 
Kamaduck said:
If the answer to the last 3 questions is “No”, you’re not really in a good position. In fact, she’s liable to think your interest is sort of creepy. Can’t tell from what you posted, though.
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Met in real life? Check. Picture? Check. General interaction. Check.

Unfortunately, I feel like I need more checks on that last one but I can’t figure out how just yet. It’s also dangerous now that there’s rumor she’s already taken.

Call me a coward but I’m not a guy who likes stealing other guys’ girls! 😦
PatriceA said:
Would there be a problem asking this girl out for coffee or tea? Just as friends.
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I feel like there is (though I agree with the agenda part and hence, why my need for more information). She’s got a circle of friends and her shift is way, waaaay far from mine. And while I’ve got some friends of my own who can help spring me over that wall, I can’t say I have any more heart if she’s already taken. T_T
 
Lost_Wanderer said:
Met in real life? Check. Picture? Check. General interaction. Check.

Unfortunately, I feel like I need more checks on that last one but I can’t figure out how just yet. It’s also dangerous now that there’s rumor she’s already taken.

Call me a coward but I’m not a guy who likes stealing other guys’ girls! 😦
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I was confused when I posted at first, I thought your friend found her online or something. 🤷

If you know her in real life, you need to find an excuse to talk to her. Or skip the excuse part and just talk to her, either way works. If you get to know her on friendly terms, you’ll probably figure out whether she has a boyfriend at some point. 😉
 
Lost_Wanderer said:
Unfortunately, I feel like I need more checks on that last one but I can’t figure out how just yet. It’s also dangerous now that there’s rumor she’s already taken.

Call me a coward but I’m not a guy who likes stealing other guys’ girls!
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Why not just ask her if she’s available?
 
You have no commitment when you date someone. If she interest you and if she is interested in you, you can simply get to know one another and you can be the judge yourself.

What are you gut telling you about this girl? (no impulse but this little voice of reason). You cannot always rely on people’s comment, you will need to either listen to your gut or see for yourself.

As long as you don’t live together, it is quite simple to brake up with someone if this person isn’t a good match.

Personally, if i didn’t have a good feeling about someone, i just trust it and backed up and moved on. I never regretted to listen to that, i did make exception and great challenge came with it.

If in doubt, don’t but if you cannot help to wonder then just get to know her and you will learn this way, if you gut feeling were right or not.

All the best!
 
nodito said:
Why not just ask her if she’s available?
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For some reason, I forgot this was an option. I think LW and I both miss the obvious answers sometimes. :o

Yeah, asking her is probably the best option. 👍
 
Ask her out for a cup of coffee.

If she says no, without qualification, then you know she is not interested, for whatever reason. Could be she is otherwise committed. Could be that you are not her particular type. Whatever.

If says now, but encourages you to ask again sometime, then hang in there, and keep in contact, and try again. But if that goes on too long, then she is probably not interested. Only you can decide how long to remain in that situation to see if there is a chance.

If she says yes, then take it easy. Have a nice time without any pressure. Definitely don’t start asking questions which make you look like you are desperate to propose marriage, if you catch my drift. That will make you seem creepy, and scare her off.

You don’t really need to ask her if she is dating anyone else, at this point. That sort of question can open a whole area which is actually none of your business until you know her better. For example, what if she has been dating, and is ending it with some guy? Do you really want to get involved in a discussion like that with someone whom you barely know? If you actually start some sort of friendship, then you will find your answers quickly enough.
 
Upon reading your message requesting suggestions for guidance, and then reading your “ps” attachment on what not to comment on I had the image of “Sheldon Coooper” come to mind as you seem to have a lazer focus on what you want and how you want it. And despite the fact that you indicate that others have declared your values out of synch you persisit.

Well it appears to me you need to test your the theory of your “list” once and for all and let the community at large inform you and guide you. Research which dating web site is the most effective and put your list out there and see who responds. Zero hits, your list is a barrier which you enjoy employing for protection. Any hit’s meet each one and be honest, if no relationships develop then you can adjust your list or not, but at least you will have heard from the very source you seek .

The truth shall set you free.
 
The part that got me was the 60%-70% of your specifications.

She’s not an employee who’s resume you can request; maybe if you stop looking at women as just potential mates, and instead as people and friends - not a list to be checked off; you’d have better luck. 🤷

~ PetiteFoi

P.s. Since you brought it up, how young are you? I was married at 21 (hubby 24) and we were considered “young”
 
  1. I wouldn’t ask relationship advice on an internet forum.
    Having said that,
  2. Ask her.
 
We used to call this the Cindy Crawford syndrome. Guys that waited and waited for the perfect lady to come along while all their friends were out having fun dating normal women. : )

Just ask her on a date. What do you have to lose? Do you really think that constitutes “girlfriend stealing?” If she’s not married, she’s free to go out with whomever she wants. If my husband had let my boyfriend at the time intimidate him, we might not be happily married today! Stop over-thinking this.
 
My advice would be, if you are at all interested in her, just be up front and ask her out. The only way to get more information about her is to spend more time with her. As you have already experienced, getting information second-hand is a mixed bag. There’s no shortcut to spending time with someone.

Might she turn you down and tell you she’s already dating someone? Yes. Is it possible you’ll spend time with her and find out all the bad stuff you’ve heard is true while all the good stuff has been greatly exaggerated? Sure. Such are the risks. But without risk, there is no reward.
 
Lost_Wanderer said:
Call me a coward but I’m not a guy who likes stealing other guys’ girls! 😦
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Just wanted to say, this does not make you a coward. It makes you quite honorable. Generally (but not in all cases), it is the charitable thing to not steal another man’s girl. I commend you on that. 👍
 
Invite her for “coffee”, a chance to chat should answer some of your questions and help you to make up your mind for yourself.

On persistence, if she gives you the kind of no that indicates she would like to join you, but is not available at the time you suggest, I turned my husband down three times in a row when he first asked me out. The final time he asked, he told me later, was my last chance. BTW I had zero social life where men were concerned at that stage, but just by chance had family or other prior obligations for three weekends in a row.

Finally, nothing wrong with having a list of what you would prefer, just be prepared to compromise sometimes. Decide which items on your list are not negotiable and if someone meets those essential criteria, consider how important the others really are.

Best of luck, and report back, please.
 
If you want to find out if she’s taken/spoken for/etc.: why not just ask her?
 
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