Girlfriend advice!

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LotusCarsLtd

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I’ve been dating this wonderful girl for around three months so far, but I’m questioning if I’m still interested in her or not. I was intensely interested in her before we dated, and it was this that drove me to successfully ask her out in the first place.

After the initial phase of infatuation faded and reality set in I inevitably found myself feeling indifferent about her, very “bleh”, but I and a friend both agreed this is a normal part of every relationship. Eventually the attraction came back and I felt attracted to her again.

The issue is that now I’m questioning if she’s the right girl for me, as my attraction to her has once again faded (and to a greater extent than before) and I’m wondering if we’re truly compatible or not. Part of it is my waning attraction to her combined with the fact that we really don’t share the same interests as each other except in the realm of our Catholic faith. It’s difficult to share passions with a person who doesn’t share the same passions as you, and vice versa (or so it seems). Our communication was good at first but now isn’t as good as before, and she doesn’t seem as crazy about me as she once was.

On top of that this is my first relationship, so I have no clue what I’m doing here.

At this point in time I wanna say that I think that it’s time for us to split, but I wanna make sure I’m reading the signs correctly before I make a stupid move. For all I know this may just be a phase that’ll pass soon (hence why I’m being cautious).

Please help! Pax!
 
Sarah, you’re a great girl, I love having someone I can go to Mass with that I think really believes, and well, you’re beautiful and smart and everything a guy could want.

Still, I’m beginning to think that maybe we’re not such a great match. You don’t care about baseball or football, I don’t care about live theatre. You want me to be a smart dresser, and I just want to hang out in the most casual thing I can get by with. I like hiking and watching ballgames, you like clubs and these intense foreign films. I like the West Coast, you want to go back to Boston. My ideal meal is BBQ ribs and you’re a vegan. I mean, I know that nobody has everything in common, but I’m thinking we don’t have quite enough going on. There are things we do together, and I like you, but we don’t like doing our favorite things together. That is really starting to bother me.

Then listen to what she has to say. Start the conversation, and talk it over. Be willing to be the one who says the hard thing, “I think we should date some other people for awhile, at least some of the time, or just spend more time doing what we each really love the most with our friends who enjoy doing that stuff. I think we need that.”
 
The “blahs” do NOT inevitably kick in when the chemistry is there, believe me!!! 😉
You are in your first serious relationship, so I can understand your dilemma. But just both being Catholic isn’t enough.
Someday you will meet someone who will set your pulse pounding - for the rest of your life! 👍
 
Be chivalrous and truthful. Try something like:

“It’s not you, it’s me.” 🤷
 
Musician said:
Someday you will meet someone who will set your pulse pounding - for the rest of your life! 👍
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That’s a pretty hard standard to set, because not everyone who has a good relationship has a consistently passionate relationship, and not everyone wants one. While passionate feelings are good and useful, they can’t be the barometer.

The OP’s real issue is that he shares few things in common with this girl.
 
I really think that you are starting to look at the core of each other. What you see is really that while she may be Catholic, the other building blocks that need to be there are really not. Infatuation is going to fade away, the whole love at first sight thing is really you seeing a pretty girl and being attracted to the material stuff, or the flesh. After you get to know her the substance of here is really not the same substance that you are.

I believe that you really have to be best friends to be in life long relationship. The things that get you really going and your heart steering are the things that keep the glue. Like if you love music and she does to, and when you play you feel more closer to God. That’s really that deep down core stuff. Put it this way, if she was an Atheist then probably the biggest building block of your relationship wouldn’t be there. It’s all ok Life is like a train. sometimes we have people sitting with us for the whole ride. Some get off at stops earlier or later than we do. God knows how you feel. He’s not going to give you something more than you can chew. Maybe you can go back to being friends, sort of start over, it’s a stretch but maybe if you build your relationship up that way, you may draw each other closer. Best thing of advice, trust in the Lord, and be genuine, if you have a bar or standards don’t lower them, you start to shift and you’ll always be shifting like the sands in the desert.
 
Over the course of a long term relationship, it is natural to have ups and downs in the attraction you feel towards your girlfriend/wife. But three months is not long, and if the initial attraction has faded already, and given the lack of common interests, I don’t think this is the right girl for you.

Be kind to her, tell her you don’t feel like you have anything in common (other than your faith), and you can both move on.
 
Lutgardis said:
Be chivalrous and truthful. Try something like:

“It’s not you, it’s me.” 🤷
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Or, “I think we’ll be great…just probably not with each other. I don’t think we have enough in common.”
 
LotusCars,

If it isn’t there after only 3 months and you have already experienced a previous phase of it not being there, I would say it just isn’t there. You are “just not that into her” as the book goes. It isn’t to say she isn’t nice, or intelligent or whatever, but she just isn’t the girl for you. Better to end it now before it just drags on and gets to be something that drags you both down. You will each be free to pursue a better fit. May God bless you and guide you. 🙂
 
chevalier said:
Looks like a lot of practice there. 😛
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Dear Chevalier,
I’m not sure what you mean . . .

I fell madly in love at sixteen with a boy from my Catholic High School. He moved out of the country the following year (no, not because he was running from me!:rolleyes:), and then back to my hometown the next. We began afresh as soon as he returned and then married when I just turned twenty. It’s been thirty one years and we’re still madly in love with each other.

It’s just that I do recognize when someone lacks “enthusiasm.” I was merely trying to softly say that even though he may not realize it (it is his first relationship, after all, and he has nothing with which to compare it) that he “just isn’t that into her,” and that he should be sweet and noble when he breaks the news. 😉
 
I have seen many examples from friends, who are with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they are good enough. A certain friend has told me because of the way her last relationship ended in order to keep this one she lowered her standard. is she happy? not as much as she can be. she is sleeping with him and that’s how she’s trying to make the relationship last longer. so a question would be do you want to be happy some of the time, or all the time even in the bad times. being together with someone is as much as it’s about the bad times as it is the good times, and you shouldn’t be faulted for wanting someone who is more like you. it’s best to do it now then to realize you weren’t as happy as you thought you were to begin with. before it’s to late.
 
On the other hand, marriage is not all “excitement” and “keeping hearts aflutter” 100% of the time - it’s also the days when there is just the ordinary everyday boring humdrum stuff. It’s days like when hubby is out mowing the lawn and wife is inside clipping the coupons.
 
Norseman82 said:
On the other hand, marriage is not all “excitement” and “keeping hearts aflutter” 100% of the time - it’s also the days when there is just the ordinary everyday boring humdrum stuff. It’s days like when hubby is out mowing the lawn and wife is inside clipping the coupons.
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Oh, I definitely agree. At the same time, of course, I’m wondering if my situation ISN’T like the situation you describe, but rather a sign that perhaps it’s time for me to move on.
 
While your shared Catholic faith is the most important thing, I don’t think it can be the only thing that ties a couple together.

You said you were prompted to ask her out because of your intense interest. That certainly makes sense. But, ultimately, how well did you know this girl? To me, it just appears that you’ve learned more about her and in doing so, have realized there’s not enough there to sustain a lasting relationship.

I agree with other posters. Relationships are not all butterflies in the stomach and hearts aflutter. Marriage, particularly, can be downright unromantic at times. But, IMO, that’s why some chemistry is necessary for relationships to last. Or at least I think it’s necessary for those relationships to be happy. Again, strictly my opinion.

If you do choose to end it, man up about it. Do it kindly and in person. How you end a relationship says just as much about a dating partner as the way s/he treats someone while they’re together.
 
I agree with everyone else!

I read in a book once about the ‘lust into love’ formula - which is basically where people experience really powerful, intense attraction for someone else and then act on it…and then justfiy their actions by saying ‘oh - so it MUST be love then’

One of the brilliant things about a proper Catholic courtship is that ‘discernment’ is just that 👍 you give each other the time and the respect to see what develops, without pressure and without buying into all the modern propaganda that says you are obliged to titilate one another daily to the point where neither of you can think straight enough to make an objective decision (:rolleyes:anyone who has ever read Cosmo will know what I mean!!!)

I’m assuming you and this girl are treating one another with this kind of respect and that you are both hoping (eventually) to meet someone that you can enjoy a happy, married life with. So why not talk to her about it? You obviously respect her as a person and she may be feeling a bit the same way and wondering ‘okay - where’s this going? What now?’

From a female perspective, I would much rather you were honest and said, “I’ve enjoyed our time together, but for me, I wonder if we’ve really got enough in common for this to last? I’m wondering if we should call time on the relationship now and we can both move on before things get too involved - what do you think?”

rather than something like…

“It’s not you - it’s me” :eek: nobody in the history of relationships has ever beleived that line!!!

“I don’t find you physically attractive anymore” - which is just plain nasty and needn’t be said

or

“You’d be really good fun as a mistress but you’re not good enough for a wife” 😃 which I know you would never, ever say - I just threw that in because someone said it to me when we were both 21 and a bit dim and naiive and although it was said tongue in cheek, it hurt me more than I can describe and totally skewed my perception of men and my own self-worth for many, many years. If we’d both just admitted we’d rushed into a relationship and then hit the ‘panic’ phase, where we weren’t sure where it was going - we’d have been fine. As it was - it took months to get back to being friends.
 
Rose71 said:
I agree with everyone else!

From a female perspective, I would much rather you were honest and said, “I’ve enjoyed our time together, but for me, I wonder if we’ve really got enough in common for this to last? I’m wondering if we should call time on the relationship now and we can both move on before things get too involved - what do you think?”

rather than something like…

“It’s not you - it’s me” :eek: nobody in the history of relationships has ever beleived that line!!!

“I don’t find you physically attractive anymore” - which is just plain nasty and needn’t be said

.
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I assumed the one asking knew that, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is a “line”, and didn’t mean for him to repeat that to her; nevertheless, it is “him and not her” if you read his post. He’s not saying there is anything wrong with her. He just he feels “blah” about it. I was simply trying to use a little humor in order to make the serious point of trying not to make her feel bad when he tells her what is obvious–that’s he’s just not that into her. You should really lighten up a little. Geesh:eek:
 
Lutgardis said:
I assumed the one asking knew that, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is a “line”, and didn’t mean for him to repeat that to her; nevertheless, it is “him and not her” if you read his post. He’s not saying there is anything wrong with her. He just he feels “blah” about it. I was simply trying to use a little humor in order to make the serious point of trying not to make her feel bad when he tells her what is obvious–that’s he’s just not that into her. You should really lighten up a little. Geesh:eek:
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😃 I did read his post and I know he’s saying that his feelings have changed. I was merely pointing out that if they actually talk about it, he may find she’s having the same doubts too.

You know, I thought people would realise I was also poking fun at the ‘It’s not you - it’s me’ line - perhaps you’re the one that needs to lighten up 😛 😉
 
Well I am going to sound like a jerk for saying this, but I was hoping to break the news to my girlfriend this week, but sadly a friend of hers just passed.

I ask you to pray for the repose of her friend’s soul, although this is puts me in a weird dilemma…wanna end it, but also don’t want to be insensitive…
 
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