Girlfriend breaking up with me to be closer to God

[sw85]

Saul had his heart changed in one moment. He turned from Christian hater to Christian lover literally in moments. Sometimes it only takes a short amount of time.

Please stop presuming the worst of women.

The vast majority of conversions are gradual and unobservable. We call those rare exceptions “miracles” (such as being struck blind by a vision of God) because they are rare and exceptional. I’ve already conceded that maybe 1 time out of 1000 these sorts of decisions are genuinely motivated, but charity doesn’t oblige us to gamble. It is much more likely that she was dissatisfied with him for a long time and that he didn’t catch on, or that she decided to trade up, or that she was just bored, or something else he doesn’t know about it. Again, three days is an awfully short period to go from happy-warm to breakup-cold. He’s not doing himself any favors by apologizing for her.

I don’t agree that she’ll come crawling back as soon as he’s moved on.

That’s not what I said. Please quote me carefully. I said that if she comes back (and I use if because these things rarely ever happen) it will almost certainly not be while he is still agonizing over her. If she comes back it will more likely be six months or more down the road, when he has started moving on and seeing other people. If she comes back it will most likely be just at that time where he is uncertain whether or not he would actually take her back. Of course she might come back sooner. But she’s a lot more likely not to come back at all.

 

[danygenio31]

Hi, I felt your pain twice with my ex girlfriend, but I know that god might have a different plan for you, I’ll pray for you, don’t try to force things cus it might end up hurting you more. Maybe change your habits, “renew yourself” do things you weren’t able to do when you were dating her. I have a story to share but I’ll post it some other time because now I’m a little tired from work.

 

[Kevin23]

@danygenio31: Hi, yea I have been trying to work on myself these past couple of weeks. It has been a month since the breakup and in this time I’ve just tried to give her the space she wanted and worked on myself. Oh ok, it would be good to hear this story. I may be able to take something from it =)

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Somehow, something doesn’t seem right with this. It just seems to me that if its God calling her away from one she has loved, it would not not such an either/or thing where she would have to reject you in order to embrace God. It seems like she woudl be able to show she was glad to see you, and even if she made up her mind to cool off and redirect your romance, she could do it more lovingly and patiently. It seems like she would be capable of imparting her thoughts to you in such a way you would understand. Yet you feel the confusion of this sudden rejection. If it was God calling her, would there not be the light of God’s love in her eyes that would soften the pain?

Yet instead, she goes away for the retreat and comes back shut down and having to end it, and is not explaining herself in a way you can relate to. Its a cut-off from the moment she sees you. It just doesn’t seem very loving. And closeness to God makes one more loving, not less.

Instead, this sounds to me like what someone is like when they have found someone else. Its usually the someone else that makes them so sure this is absolutely over, when that comes on so suddenly.

My son broke up with his longtime girlfriend at end of August but you could see it coming since June maybe. I really think it was her choice even though they said it was both, or him. There was a long time of both of them gradually realizing they weren’t a match and the breakup was not a surprise. Neither of them had anyone else in their life, I would judge, and that is why it was a mutual pulling apart, not a dramatic where one suddenly pulls away and shuts down. When that latter happens, in my experience of observing, there is someone else involved.

So was this a mixed retreat - male and female? A retreat is a place where romance can bloom; it often involves fellowship, in a place where you are away from the cares and worries of everyday. People speak openly in group discussions, baring their souls, and you see people, the same people, when you are relaxed and feeling your best, and feeling open. And you share meals with them and you see them when you are tired first thing in the morning, and you are outdoors on lovely days going to the next group event together… those things promote intimacy.

Or was this a silent, directed retreat? That would point to closer to God, not others.

If it was more of a fellowship-retreat, I would wonder. If she is an honest person, you could ask her to tell you honestly if there is anyone else who has her interest - did she meet or spend time with anyone on the retreat that she feels she likes? And, I hate to say this, but look her in the eyes and see if she looks totally honest when she tells you. If she is telling the truth she should be able to continue to look you steady in the eye. And hopefully she won’t look left and up (as one does when creating a lie) or left down, (as one does when recalling a lie). (And it works opposite, looking down right means recalling a known truth and up right seeking a new truth from one’s mind). Yes, that is signs of lying that are pretty consistently-accurate with the average person (doesn’t work so well on a practiced liar, and I assume from what you say that she is not that).

If she seems to be telling the truth then you could also ask her if its more than God that is making her cut herself off so quickly and suddenly from you, is it that she thinks you are not the right person for her? It will hep you get over this if you have truthful and as full as possible information to work with, IMO.

It just seems that if she is truly drawing closer to Our Lord, then it should be easy to approach her for more understanding of why she wants to cut this relationship off. Don’t grovel, don’t overly emote how you want her back - accept her final answer (she wants to break up) but seeking better understanding of why should not be something that is denied you.

Oh, there is one other thing I think it could be. If you two have been sexually involved, or bordering on that, even, I can see how coming back from a retreat where she has truly drawn closer to God and therefore wants to be chaste would make her want to things off with you. If she wants to please God and embrace chastity and your relationship has been unchaste, turning her back on you, making a clean cut, and having little to say to you may seem to her to be the only way to accomplish this.

 

[Kevin23]

@ Oh Charlotte: Hey there, yeah at first I did feel the way you just described. I felt like why would this happen, especially since the during the week before the retreat she was very loving towards me. There was nothing I sensed that indicated she would end things with me. But I did also consider that I may feel this way because of the sudden shock and my emotions being all over the place.

Yes this retreat was a mixed retreat with both males and females. However the retreat was a training to potentially do mission work within the youth ministry that we are both a part of. I did not ask her if there was another person involved as I have always trusted her and she has always been honest with me during our relationship. She had told me her reasons and even though I did not fully understand them I still believed her and accepted what she had told me.

Yeah at first I did fully believe her reason for leaving me was for her to become closer to God was true. But after this month since the breakup I have started to wonder if maybe it was more of her own personal reasons to break it off with me. She told me that she had doubts if our relationship was part of God’s plan and that she also said that she was still young and didn’t want to commit to such a serious relationship if she wasn’t sure its what she wanted. She said she didn’t want to look back on this moment and regret not doing things because she was with me. I am 22 and she is 21 by the way. I do agree with this reason, but at the same time I know that a strong relationship and love does not just happen. Yeah we may be young, but at the same time I know that love must be nurtured and a strong relationship must be developed and this takes a lot of time and effort. We both had hopes of getting married, but for her i guess it started to fade while for me it just got stronger. I knew we were still both young and thats why i did not plan on proposing anytime soon. Maybe not until a year or 2 years from now when we have had more time to develop our love and relationship.

Yes I admit our relationship did become impure and it did become a struggle for us. But after having this time apart I have realised a lot of mistakes that I had made during our relationship and I apologized to God and to her for it all. She told me she has realised the mistakes she had also made and apologized for it all. Ofcourse I accepted her apology and forgave her. I haven’t pushed her or asked her to try our relationship again as I know there is still a lot of hurt and negative feelings because of the break up. But i still do love her. Im not sure if trying it again with her is a good idea so for the mean time I have just been giving her space and praying for her happiness and asking God if I should try the relationship again with her later on after we have both been healed.

 

[LongJohnSilver]

…
She may have a call to something else…

This was my thought. Maybe she’s slowly discovering a call to the religious life which was confirmed during the retreat? Maybe she hasn’t fully recognized it yet, or found the right words, that’s why she has not told you yet.

 

[Rose71]

There’s also a much simpler explanation. You are still both very young and have, in effect, grown up together in as much as relationships with the opposite sex are concerned.

She’s just been away and been forced to acknowledge to herself that there are other devout and genuinely good young men out there, as well as you.

I suspect, in much the same way as people don’t dress quite as smartly for every day life as they do for a special event; people are on their very best and most peaceful and devout behaviour when on retreat (as they should be!)

Therefore, with you she sees all the every day trials and tribulations of a normal relationship - wheras on retreat, she’s around young people all with prayer and contemplation at the top of their lists. It’s a beautiful expereince, but it’s by necessity in a controlled environment.

If I was her age and had spent a few days somewhere calm and peaceful, with like-minded individuals and with space to think about where my life was going, I’d probably want to give myself some space to process my experiences too.

You ought to give her the time to do this and assure her that you support and respect her decision. Don’t start playing immature games like hitting on other girls (especially if you still love this one - because how is that fair on your victim?) but take time out yourself and think about what you really want from your life too.

Perhaps you will marry - perhaps you have learned trust, respect and the art of compromise and getting along with another family together - but it’s just not meant to be in the long-term. Don’t see it as ‘failure’ to ‘make’ the relationship work. The whole point of dating is to allow you to succeed in making a decision about your long term compatability and suitability to undertake the sacrament of marriage.

Give her the space she wants. Just make sure you are both civil and agree that you will present a united front to any questions about why you’re no longer together, rather than allow yourself to become critical of her or her of you.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Well it sounds to me like either she feels you have grown apart or there is some specific reason but she doesn’t want to tell you directly because she doesn’t want to hurt you. The fact that it happened after a retreat only means she had some serious time to reflect on it and maybe decided it was time to end things before they got more serious…engagement…marriage. There’s also the possibility that maybe she just wants to spread her wings a bit before entering into an engagement or marriage. If you’re both still at school or around that age and have been together 3 years that’s a long time for someone that young these days. Usually people date a lot and explore who they are but maybe she needs that sort of time. I’d let her go. If it’s meant to be you to will find your way back to each if not then isn’t better to find out now then proceed under doubt and where things might end with more pain later. Prayers.

 

[Breezy16]

Hey Kevin, I’m sorry to hear that. At least you had a chick! LOL. I hope you get back together with her. I had to give up a friendship I had for almost five years. It was pianful but something I knew I had to do. BTW, that seems awfully weird. Are you a good influence?

 

[chevalier]

There’s some great advice here. I tend to agree with sw85 on almost everything, except maybe this:

Sucky situation. Been there myself. With due respect, telling her you’d wait for her is exactly the worst thing you probably could’ve done, and exactly the opposite of what you need to do now. No woman wants a guy who emotes over her, etc. There’s a reason women like the “strong, silent type.”

I tend to believe in being true to oneself regardless of the tactical or technical disadvantage. Besides, you can have some expectations of women, even young women, including the ability to understand normal human behaviour as opposed to expecting robot-like behaviour. As a man on the verge of his 30th year, I’d skip a woman who had trouble finding empathy in her and didn’t try to make up for it. Probably wouldn’t be able to come to terms with a woman who expected emotional ambivalence from me. Basically try to find a woman for the man you are, don’t try to become a man you aren’t that you think women like, especially if you aren’t sure about that particular woman.

My second was my last year of college, by which time I had developed a much thicker outer shell and flourished into the kind of carefree casual jackass that most women love. When she broke up with me, I gave her the “yeah, sure, OK” treatment. The next day, I blatantly hit on one of her friends. She came back to me in tears three weeks later, begging for a second chance. Wah waah. The difference isn’t that I went from being a nice guy to a jerk (I wasn’t a jerk even at my worst, just supremely confident). The difference is that I went from being hypereffeminate to hypermasculine. Women like masculinity. QED.

You’re better off single than being with a woman who can’t resist falling for a jackass that mistreats her. I question the ability of such a woman to form a healthy relationship, she’s got still too much work to do yet. Besides, I guess I’ve earned the right to say I’d just be flatly unimpressed with such a woman.

Give it a little time (but less time than you think is necessary – maybe a month plus an extra 2 weeks for each year you two were together) and then go out and start dating other women. In the meantime, keep yourself busy and remove all reminders of her from your life. Don’t bother getting in touch with her; if she’s going to come back, it certainly isn’t going to be because you pestered her, and if she isn’t going to come back, the less time you spend talking with her, the easier it’ll be to get over her. If you must pray to God for her, thank Him for the time he allowed you to have with her, and ask for the grace to give that gift back to Him without complaint.

Yup. Don’t overstress, don’t panic, don’t give in to sadness. Carry on with your life. You must keep doing the things that you do: your ministry, any job you have, school, your other duties. The loss of your girlfriend is something you just need to go through. Pain is pain. You must experience it until it passes.

• 1 about not throwing 3 years worth of feelings away on a hunch or whim. I think this became clearer when she revealed she was having doubts about whether she wanted to be in a committed relationship in general or with the OP in particular.

OP, follow my advice. Just move on from it. Again, I can guarantee you practically without error that if she comes back at all, it will not be until well after you have made a concerted effort to forget about her and have largely succeeded. Women are good at that.

True but that means they just need to grow up. Anybody who is attracted to indifference has some growing up to do yet. Possibly some traumas to see a shrink about.

Even if you are able to convince her to give you another chance, you should never be in a relationship with someone who is not sure they want to be with you.

+1

Somehow, something doesn’t seem right with this. It just seems to me that if its God calling her away from one she has loved, it would not not such an either/or thing where she would have to reject you in order to embrace God. It seems like she woudl be able to show she was glad to see you, and even if she made up her mind to cool off and redirect your romance, she could do it more lovingly and patiently. It seems like she would be capable of imparting her thoughts to you in such a way you would understand. Yet you feel the confusion of this sudden rejection. If it was God calling her, would there not be the light of God’s love in her eyes that would soften the pain?

Sometimes people can find just what they need to do the right think but not enough to do it the proper or nice way. The girl’s young and inexperienced and vastly clueless, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. But I agree with the observation in general. It was very enriching to read, something to think about. Also this:

Yet instead, she goes away for the retreat and comes back shut down and having to end it, and is not explaining herself in a way you can relate to. Its a cut-off from the moment she sees you. It just doesn’t seem very loving. And closeness to God makes one more loving, not less.

 

[EmilyCatholic]

Hi Kevin,
Perhaps some day you will marry. Should that happen, you will want to be with someone who has really thought long and hard about what a lifetime commitment entails. You will want to be with someone who understands that when we orient ourselves towards Our Lord, all of our relationships benefit.
It is pretty impressive that a 21 year old is making this a priority. If she is the person God meant for you, this period of discernment is a wonderful gift to you both. If not, it is still a wonderful gift, as her growth in faith will enable her to better support so many of her brothers and sisters.
Give her time, and give yourself time. It is wonderful that both of you are working on your faith lives. May God bless you both in your vocations, as you continue to discern them, and in your relationships. Amen.