Girlfriend had sex with ex while getting to know me

[504Katrin]

I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…

If she tries so hard to make the relationship work…keep her. Thanks to the anonymity of the interwebs here’s a secret that I have never spoken about and never will, but that might be helpful to you.
Ten years ago or so, my best female friend dated her boyfriend, a very fine man. One day I sat with her at the dinner table at my place when she confessed to me that her ex bf had been over to her place and that she had sex with him. I remember this situation as if it were yesterday because it was the only time when none us said anything for minutes. Then I asked her how could you … where was your brain…etc. She started to cry, told me it would never happen again, and she obviously sicerely regretted her mistake. The following days and weeks and month it always bothered me to keep such a secret when I looked into his eyes knowing that he would have never stayed with her had he known about this.
Normally, I’m for the truth, but in this case it was a good thing to sweep this mistake under the carpet. She really had regretted it back then and kept her promise to always be faithful to him. They got married, they’re now married for almost ten years and have two lovely daughters. So, also for you, there is a chance…

 

[Kelfa28]

If you stay with her you’re allowing the lying to continue. She’ll know you accept her lying and very well will continue.

I wouldn’t trust her and I wouldn’t be looking to continue the relationship. You need to be frank that lying is NOT acceptable in a relationship.
Ignore the crying and carrying on and break off the relationship.

If I were in your situation…I wouldn’t trust this girl and I wouldn’t date her.

 

[Kelfa28]

If she tries so hard to make the relationship work…keep her. Thanks to the anonymity of the interwebs here’s a secret that I have never spoken about and never will, but that might be helpful to you.
Ten years ago or so, my best female friend dated her boyfriend, a very fine man. One day I sat with her at the dinner table at my place when she confessed to me that her ex bf had been over to her place and that she had sex with him. I remember this situation as if it were yesterday because it was the only time when none us said anything for minutes. Then I asked her how could you … where was your brain…etc. She started to cry, told me it would never happen again, and she obviously sicerely regretted her mistake. The following days and weeks and month it always bothered me to keep such a secret when I looked into his eyes knowing that he would have never stayed with her had he known about this.
Normally, I’m for the truth, but in this case it was a good thing to sweep this mistake under the carpet. She really had regretted it back then and kept her promise to always be faithful to him. They got married, they’re now married for almost ten years and have two lovely daughters. So, also for you, there is a chance…

While noble…this is a chance I would never take.

My husband was involved with a girl for several years. At the beginning of the relationship…the same thing happened. She hung out with an ex of hers…slept with him and he found out about it.
She begged him to stay and he did.

Three years later, right after the two of them came home from a deployment, she went to spend time with her family for a few days, and came back and he found out she did the same thing and slept with the same ex-boyfriend…this was after he had proposed to her and she said yes.

I’m not saying that once a cheater, always a cheater…but you need to think LONG and HARD if you are dating someone and they cheat on you.
It’s your one chance to say…"no, this is not acceptable and I will not welcome this in my life"and move on.
Because once you are married…that is it…there is no going back.

 

[Peter12rb]

If she tries so hard to make the relationship work…keep her. Thanks to the anonymity of the interwebs here’s a secret that I have never spoken about and never will, but that might be helpful to you.
.

Thanks for sharing that - I think your story makes a great point.

I, for one, wouldn’t condemn the girlfriend for having sex with someone else before you two even met in person. I personally wouldn’t bring it up again, since it might drive more a wedge between you. I also wouldn’t condemn the girlfriend for the initial deception - honestly, when one’s in the early stage of a relationship, most people fudge the truth a bit on issues that aren’t terribly important, and many, many people in our culture would think the sex falls in this category. I would seek counseling if this is something you can’t stop thinking about, either from a priest or a friend you can trust. And I would try my hardest to forgive her, if I were you, for any way she made me feel.

Most people on this forum will condemn the sex since it took place outside of marriage, and I don’t want to start a discussion for or against that. But remember, most people in our culture won’t look at the ‘sex before you met’ as an issue. I’m assuming that’s not your personal view - if so, I’d look for an opportunity to discuss your viewpoints on morality, spirituality, etc with your girlfriend. This might be a great chance not only to forgive her and heal your relationship, but a great chance to get her to see things differently. If you approach this issue with love, and not with jealousy and resentment, then it can only work out for the best whether or not you two are meant to be. I wish you luck and all the best!

 

[Miss_Felicity]

She didn’t owe you any level of fidelity before even meeting you! Yeesh, most people would never consider exchanging emails to be a commitment.

I agree with this statement! I say LEAVE not because she owed him anything at that juncture but because they are unequally yoked. I don’t think its even fair to press somebody about behaviors from before they met you but its not about me and at the end of the day they both deserve to be happy with someone they are on the same page with about morality issues and this isn’t the case with them together as a couple.

If it is bothering you so much, you need to honor that. Trust me. I made a bad choice for a husband and it has caused me and my family a world of hurt and a huge crisis of faith. I would be most concerned about the fact that she was not completely honest with you.

It doesn’t seem like you share the same values. My suggestion would be to search for someone who is ‘equally yoked.’ She may be what you are looking for now, but that doesn’t do you a bit of good in 10 years when she decides that she really wasn’t ready for marriage. Love isn’t a feeling - it is an action - and I would be concerned that she is not ready for that commitment yet.

This is the meat and potatoes of my point. You and she are not a good match. If you have such anguish over this (and I am truly deeply sorry you do and will be praying for you) It doesn’t matter what I or anyone else on this board would do if you cannot get past it or you feel it is a deal breaker. What you want to avoid is staying anywhere where there will be pain and resentment. You already seem to be resenting her from your OP and that is not a good leg to start on for either of you.

I wish you peace in your circumstance.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

If you don’t think she’ll make the mistake again, then why not forgive? Isn’t that what we are called to do? I’m somewhat disappointed by the responses on the thread. We have all wronged someone we care about, and usually have had the good fortune of being forgiven. If you don’t think you trust her not to cheat on you that’s one thing, but I wouldn’t forsake her if she is truly sorry and repentant.

There is a huge chasm between forgiving a person and marrying a person. I can forgive people for all things for all time, but that doesn’t mean I’ll marry them. We all have our lines in the sand, and cheating is one of them.

Some people may not consider exchanging emails to see if they should date a relationship. Fact is, having sex with someone while considering dating someone else is inexcusable immoral behavior even in the liberal secular world. Pass…

 

[Lorelei12]

If you cannot forgive her, do not stay in the relationship. What she did was stupid, especially the lying. But I am wondering- why did you push so much? When she said she went to see a friend, before you even met, why keep pushing the issue? This is a situation where I’m not really sure she owed you the information you made her give you. If you had asked her whether she had sex before, yes that’s something you should be able to ask. But details beyond that? I don’t know.

Sometimes our exes are reminders of the kind of people we should not be with. Maybe that’s what happened for her, maybe she got some kind of closure from that visit. I am certainly not saying that the way she went about it was right, but that perhaps you might not have met otherwise- since she emailed you immediately afterwards wanting to meet. Maybe she recognized that you were a good guy she didn’t want to let go.

I think you need to ask yourself what information she really owed you, and how important you think it is that she withheld it. It doesn’t really matter what the rest of us think- you have to decide for yourself whether she is someone worth sticking around for. But if you really can’t move on, don’t stay in the relationship.

 

[aidanbradypop]

You two were not an “item” at the time, but she still decided to lie about it. Why?

I believe you know the answer to that “why” and what you should do about it. If she lied and kept lying then that proves she knows what she did was wrong and was trying to cover it up. We all make mistakes. If you really like her and maybe love her then you need to forgive her and try to move on. If you cannot then it is probably best you end it now.

 

[agnes_therese]

If you cannot forgive her, do not stay in the relationship. What she did was stupid, especially the lying. But I am wondering- why did you push so much? When she said she went to see a friend, before you even met, why keep pushing the issue? This is a situation where I’m not really sure she owed you the information you made her give you. If you had asked her whether she had sex before, yes that’s something you should be able to ask. But details beyond that? I don’t know.

I think you need to ask yourself what information she really owed you, and how important you think it is that she withheld it. It doesn’t really matter what the rest of us think- you have to decide for yourself whether she is someone worth sticking around for. But if you really can’t move on, don’t stay in the relationship.

My thoughts exactly. He says that he “demanded” the information – what made him think he had the right to demand anything at that point?
I think she’s the one who should end it – she needs to find someone less controlling. And he needs to find someone who thinks his demanding such personal information so early in a relationship is acceptable.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

My thoughts exactly. He says that he “demanded” the information – what made him think he had the right to demand anything at that point?

Who knows? But then again, what is going through her mind that thinks to have the right to lie and to have sex with someone else while she is looking to date other people? It appears his intuition was correct.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If you must dump her do it because you have different values.

But don’t do it because she cheated, because she didn’t even know you, much less have a commitment to you! With that logic people using online dating sites should only message one person at a time. She hadn’t even had drinks with you yet, she owed you nothing.

Do you really think that you have a right to demand that your girlfriend reveal the who, when, and why of her sex life from before she even met you? That’s personal and no one has a right to demand that information.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You two were not an “item” at the time, but she still decided to lie about it. Why?

I believe you know the answer to that “why” and what you should do about it. If she lied and kept lying then **that proves she knows what she did was wrong and was trying to cover it up. **We all make mistakes. If you really like her and maybe love her then you need to forgive her and try to move on. If you cannot then it is probably best you end it now.

Not necessarily. More likely it means, “I wish you hadn’t brought this up and I’d rather not have had tell you.”

OP, let this go, and do it yesterday. She did not just happen to see this guy and fall into bed with him, which would have been bad enough. She made PLANS, plans that involved cross-country airplane travel, to see someone she is no longer with. What about him? Is he with someone else? Is he married? Do you know anything for sure?

You’re starting out with an issue of trust here. When trust was broken in my marriage, we were already 10 years in, with 2 kids, or I would have left him. It took everything in me and a lot of prayer for me to stay. I beg you not to start out on this basis. Your foundation with this woman will not be strong.

 

[anruari]

Way overboard, dude.

It’s simple. As a Christian, he is required to forgive her.

But he’s not required to stay with her.

Your post immediately followed mine, but I’m not sure if you’re referring to my post or not.

I still stand by the content of my post, even though I admit the tone is far too harsh.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. **I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) **she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…

OP, there are so many red flags in your first post…

First, you’re 34 and looking for a relationship that leads to marriage. How old is this woman and has she told you she also is looking for marriage? Maybe she is, maybe not. Maybe she’s not the candidate you are looking for. Is she a Catholic? A practicing Catholic?

You call her your girlfriend but have only known her for 3 mos. and you both “fell for each other so hard.” Over the internet. You committed yourself before you met her in person? You fell for her in just 3 mos.? Too much, too fast.

She tells you she was a virgin before she had sex with her previous boyfriend? How do you know this? You don’t. She lied to you about going to see him, everything else is now up for discussion. Not that you will ever know the truth.

She cried and apologized and so you stayed with her even though you were sickened by her disclosure and say you can’t trust her. That is manipulation on her part and a lack of confidence on your part.

She is “otherwise everything I always wanted.” But that “otherwise” involves sexual intimacy with at least one other man. My intuition tells me it’s not just one other man.

Frankly, you know next to nothing about this person, and IMO you’d be better off letting her go. She’s not going to be your last chance to get married. And the issues are very serious, IMO, not something to be tossed off and forgotten. They will continue to return - this is an alarm sounding for you. Cross it off to experience and move on.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

if you must dump her do it because you have different values.

But don’t do it because she cheated, because she didn’t even know you, much less have a commitment to you! With that logic people using online dating sites should only message one person at a time. She hadn’t even had drinks with you yet, she owed you nothing.

Do you really think that you have a right to demand that your girlfriend reveal the who, when, and why of her sex life from before she even met you? That’s personal and no one has a right to demand that information.

100,000% this

 

[PennyinCanada]

I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…

I have a couple of comments.

1. Flew to CA to see ex and had sex. Lost her virginity to him a year ago. We have talked so much about this on Catholic Answers, how God designed sex to be the ‘super glue’ for couples to help them be united through difficult times. It seems that the super glue has been applied and she is having trouble letting go of him. Of course. Great reminder to single adults to not have sex until you are married. Thank you.
   She is likely trying to ‘get over him’ and start fresh. It looks as though she’s still emotionally involved with the other guy, and really, she didn’t have to answer to a new acquaintance what she was up to on her trip. Things would be easier for her right now if she had followed God’s laws which are there to protect us.
2. She is an acquaintance. She has history, like we all do. It’s concerning that you are having such a strong reaction so early in the relationship. When people begin to date, it’s a time to observe and gather information. Try to do it with a cool head, one that is collecting data. It may be best to move on to someone who isn’t tied emotionally to another boyfriend.

I spoke with a lady who had an adult daughter that was attending Church every Sunday. She went out a few times with a guy and the mother was insisting that he should go to church with her. I disagreed. She can gather information and see that he has no interest in church at all, and decide how she feels about it. Making him go doesn’t change his heart. You have information. Decide how you feel about it. You’ve learned something about her, and yourself too. That’s all part of the process. God bless.

 

[Havard]

I spoke with a lady who had an adult daughter that was attending Church every Sunday. She went out a few times with a guy and the mother was insisting that he should go to church with her. I disagreed. She can gather information and see that he has no interest in church at all, and decide how she feels about it. Making him go doesn’t change his heart. You have information. Decide how you feel about it. You’ve learned something about her, and yourself too. That’s all part of the process. God bless.

It’s no wonder I’m still single, I don’t even bother pursuing women unless I know they already practice the basics such as weekly Mass.

 

[PatriceA]

I have a couple of comments.

1. Flew to CA to see ex and had sex. Lost her virginity to him a year ago. We have talked so much about this on Catholic Answers, how God designed sex to be the ‘super glue’ for couples to help them be united through difficult times. It seems that the super glue has been applied and she is having trouble letting go of him. Of course. Great reminder to single adults to not have sex until you are married. Thank you.
   She is likely trying to ‘get over him’ and start fresh. It looks as though she’s still emotionally involved with the other guy, and really, she didn’t have to answer to a new acquaintance what she was up to on her trip. Things would be easier for her right now if she had followed God’s laws which are there to protect us.

2) She is an acquaintance. She has history, like we all do. It’s concerning that you are having such a strong reaction so early in the relationship. When people begin to date, it’s a time to observe and gather information. Try to do it with a cool head, one that is collecting data. It may be best to move on to someone who isn’t tied emotionally to another boyfriend.

I spoke with a lady who had an adult daughter that was attending Church every Sunday. She went out a few times with a guy and the mother was insisting that he should go to church with her. I disagreed. She can gather information and see that he has no interest in church at all, and decide how she feels about it. Making him go doesn’t change his heart. You have information. Decide how you feel about it. You’ve learned something about her, and yourself too. That’s all part of the process. God bless.

I just want to point out to you and Julianne that it is very possible to be serious about someone even at three months. I was engaged within five months of dating my husband, three months of dating was right around the time we both decided our relationship was definitely serious, it was the turning point for us. If a serious issue concerning trust had occurred in our relationship at three months, I would have had a very, very strong reaction as the OP seems to be.

BUT, the OP’s relationship has some very serious problems, including the OP demanding that he has to know about past relationships and that the girl had to lie about her past relationships. Neither approach is healthy and does not make for a good start to a lasting relationship.

 

[Havard]

I just want to point out to you and Julianne that it is very possible to be serious about someone even at three months. I was engaged within five months of dating my husband, three months of dating was right around the time we both decided our relationship was definitely serious, it was the turning point for us. If a serious issue concerning trust had occurred in our relationship at three months, I would have had a very, very strong reaction as the OP seems to be.

BUT, the OP’s relationship has some very serious problems, including the OP demanding that he has to know about past relationships and that the girl had to lie about her past relationships. Neither approach is healthy and does not make for a good start to a lasting relationship.

I’m not necessarily disagreeing, especially if you’re talking about needing to know sordid details. But spiritual growth is a trajectory, and you do want to know enough to understand the person’s trajectory. Say hypothetical woman tells him she’s been committed to chastity for the last # years, that’s great, but if her actions tell another story, and she fails to disclose said actions, he’ll get a false sense of where she really is spiritually.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m not necessarily disagreeing, especially if you’re talking about needing to know sordid details. But spiritual growth is a trajectory, and you do want to know enough to understand the person’s trajectory. Say hypothetical woman tells him she’s been committed to chastity for the last # years, that’s great, but if her actions tell another story, and she fails to disclose said actions, he’ll get a false sense of where she really is spiritually.

You can certainly ask about past relationships, but demanding to know is very different. There wasn’t anything my husband and I couldn’t tell each other or ask each other when we were getting serious. But if he had demanded to know about my past (not that there was too much to tell) that would have been a red flag for me and I wouldn’t have pursued the relationship any further. Same as if I had found out later he had lied about his past, I would have put an end to it right then and there. I think the OP and the girl in question have serious trust issues and I wouldn’t advise pursuing the relationship any further, for either party.