This. Absolutely right.
Actually, the way the OP described his emotions, I’d wager that in his own mind, she *is *somewhat “ruined”.
Ok first lets be clear. my suggestion to Join a religious order like the Marists was intended purely as Hyperbole… If it’s good enough for Our Lord to use Hyperbole throughout his teachings then it’s OK for us… (e.g. if your hand causes you to sin Cut it off… Call no man Father… and many more examples)Why is unchastity to be overlooked in the girlfriend and the OP told to join a religious order?
We are all sinners. Not all sins equally affect one’s married life. Sexual sins are different from many other types in that they directly affect one’s ability to bond in marriage. The indelible marks left on one’s soul by sexual sin will follow one into marriage. This is not say that these things cannot be overcome, but they do require overcoming, and it is not at all unreasonable for someone to want to go into marriage WITHOUT those strikes against them.
There is so much about this thread that I am failing utterly to understand.
Maybe instead of lying she should have said something along the lines of I don’t feel that the nature of my relationships prior to meeting you is any of your business. Yes that sounds harsh but then when and if they broke up it would be because they have different relationship views and not because he browbeat her into disclosing things that weren’t his business and now he thinks she is ruined.
I think that’s fair under most circumstances. But as with the OP’s case, once a person has been caught telling suspicious and/or conflicting stories, abstaining from explaining will probably incur more suspicion.
I feel sorry for you, but I must ask What else she has or will lie about? Is this seriously a relationship you want to cultivate?
I am sorry but you need to end this now. Faithfulness in marriage is proven before marriage. Internet and long distance relationships are full of pit falls and this is her real character. I am sure at your age, you want to be married but just because you are older, doesn’t mean you should settle for anyone that comes along on the internet. You can’t make it work. Move on and thank God that you have found this out before you did marry her. It is better to be single than be married to someone that can’t be faithful in marriage.
Thank you for coming back to clarify some things for us. Although we don’t all agree about how to handle this situation I believe we all are trying to give you things to consider to make the best possible choice for yourself. That said allow me to offer you a view point that you may or may not have considered. She made plans to make this trip weeks possibly months in advance, between then and when she went something in her was starting to change. She had sex with the ex boyfriend and felt worse after than she could have imagined. She decided to take herself off that horrible roller coaster and try to begin again. She set up a meeting with a guy from a online dating site (you) who seemed to match the direction she was moving in or wanting to move in.
You have two choices, you can either let go of her past and move forward with this woman that you describe in such positive ways, or you can end it now. But it’s been 2 months since you found out, so you need to decide now and stop holding this over her head. That’s unfair of you.
This confirms my advice earlier in the thread. You have to end it, if this is how you feel. I’m not beating up on you or saying she was correct in her behavior with the ex. What I am saying is she didn’t know you yet, you had not met in person. You say you don’t expect to meet a virgin but apparently you have strong sexual ethics and you need to find someone that fits in with those. You deserve that and if she is a wonderful woman weather she has made mistakes or not she deserves someone who will not be tortured by her past and in turn torture her about her past.
I am a women and to be honest with you, I really don’t know. I think it just boils down to her character and stupidity. She still wants him even though she says she doesn’t or that he was a louse and wishes he wasn’t. It shows her weakness and lack of morals. You deserve better than that. She should keep her pants on and save herself for her husband and not risk pregnancy as well as STD that come with having sex outside of marriage and the way God planned it. This is sad to say but there are a lot of stupid women out there and then they want to blame the men for taking advantage out there. For every jerk of a guy, there seems to be a stupid women that is willing to go along with it. She could have realized he was a jerk and then saved her money by not flying out to see him. Just take this as a learning experience, cut it off because you don’t need someone like this who is using you as a sympathy shoulder and move on.
Sometimes when a man you like (or even love) tells you what you want to hear, you do stupid things. Such as flying across the country and having sex. It sounds to me like she got whatever closure she was looking for (which is not to say she went about it in the right way at all).
Ummm how is this charitable? Just because there are ethical/value differences does not make this woman stupid. It makes them probably not a good fit for each other. STD’s are NOT a punishment from God for people that don’t do as he would have them too. Its clear the OP thinks highly of this woman weather the relationship continues or not. How do you know she still wants the man out of town? Having sex with one man while a mistake according to our faith doesn’t make one loose, or stupid it makes them a sinner like ALL of us are.
It doesn’t make her loose, but it doesn’t make her spiritually healthy, either. You dont just commit fornication and take a Mulligan. I see a lot of red flags in terms of maturity and prudence in putting the advancement of the relationship ahead of dealing with a serious underlying problem.
I didn’t say STD are punishment from God but are very real consequence of having sex out side the bond of marriage. When one doesn’t follow God’s plan for sex and marriage, they reap the consequences in their bodies in unplanned pregnancies and STD. Someone that is willing to buy and airline ticket to see some old boyfriend, ends up in bed again and then goes to talk about it with someone else they “met” on the internet is not smart. I am going by what OP shared with us and his distress over her behavior. Since it seems from his post and interest he is looking for a marriage partner. This is someone that is not a good choice. Sadly again, basic morality in that sex as designed by God for marriage, not before, not with others shouldn’t have to be defended on a Catholic forum.