Girlfriend had sex with ex while getting to know me

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I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…
 
Mj0770 said:
I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…
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Lies? Deception? Unchastity?

I would not stay.
 
If it is bothering you so much, you need to honor that. Trust me. I made a bad choice for a husband and it has caused me and my family a world of hurt and a huge crisis of faith. I would be most concerned about the fact that she was not completely honest with you.

It doesn’t seem like you share the same values. My suggestion would be to search for someone who is ‘equally yoked.’ She may be what you are looking for now, but that doesn’t do you a bit of good in 10 years when she decides that she really wasn’t ready for marriage. Love isn’t a feeling - it is an action - and I would be concerned that she is not ready for that commitment yet.
 
If I were in your situation, she would be gone in an instant. Even though it may be at the very earliest stages of dating, someone having sex with someone else during this time is not marriage material in my book. There are probably a billion other woman in the world that you could date; why choose one with no sexual morality?
 
She didn’t owe you any level of fidelity before even meeting you! Yeesh, most people would never consider exchanging emails to be a commitment.
 
I wouldn’t waste 5 more minutes in this relationship.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
She didn’t owe you any level of fidelity before even meeting you! Yeesh, most people would never consider exchanging emails to be a commitment.
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Yeah, whatever. Let’s grant that: her sex is her own business.

But…she lied. She tried to cover it up. That’s the material point.

Go from there.
 
Soren_Itenu said:
Yeah, whatever. Let’s grant that: her sex is her own business.

But…she lied. She tried to cover it up. That’s the material point.

Go from there.
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And go far, far away.

Do not ever involve yourself with a liar.
 
I doubt you will ever be able to forget about it. I would leave
 
If you don’t think she’ll make the mistake again, then why not forgive? Isn’t that what we are called to do? I’m somewhat disappointed by the responses on the thread. We have all wronged someone we care about, and usually have had the good fortune of being forgiven. If you don’t think you trust her not to cheat on you that’s one thing, but I wouldn’t forsake her if she is truly sorry and repentant.
 
You must, for your own sake, forgive her but that doesn’t mean you have to stay with her. You are responsible for your own spiritual and psychological well being and if this is something that you can’t get over then it is imperative that you break things off, for your sake and hers.
It also sounds like the two of you are operating on different levels of maturity. You’re thinking of marriage and she’s fresh from a trip to see an ex boyfriend, one that was of such a distance that it neccessitated a plane trip (cross country!). This was the same man to whom she gave her virginity, all the while she’s posting ads on an internet dating site. She knew what she was doing when she made the trip which, granted, was before she met you; but it does speak to her own personal code of morality and she compounded the problem by lying to you about it.
You’re right, this is a tenuous foundation on which to build a relationship. Whatever you’re decision is, make sure it’s not based completely on emotion.
 
Does she admit her lies?

Is she sorry for them?

If so, then forgive and evaluate.

But forgiveness does not mean you must continue the relationship.

If she’s contrite, then it’s your call.
 
The forgiveness thing can come from you
Code: 
    to help release her from her unforgiven state,
AND so you can move on without being stuck in the past.

HER forgiveness work, if she ever chooses to do it, will be to figure out what and who she lost by her faithless actions, and how to prove herself to be trustworthy in a future relationship. She should not practice proving her new improved self on you. That is a manipulation and it will be a sign of her insincerity and immaturity. Humans are to be loved not experimented on.

If she were to live on her own without seducing anyone else for about two or three years, I might consider her suitable material for a friend.

But to continue with her in any form now is not a necessary provision for you to forgive her.

Look for a chaste, honest, unencumbered woman…no big baggage. If there is a past boyfriend whom she slept with, there should be a vast valley between them now and she should have a more repentant, enlightened, sadder but wiser approach to dating. Not a perfect woman necessarily, but she should be clear on the concept of honesty, respect, self-respect, moral character. Otherwise you will just end up having to play parent to an immature adult and that gets old pretty fast.

Look for a GOOD Catholic woman with a spine.

And let this disappointment build your new spine.
 
RedFox0456 said:
If you don’t think she’ll make the mistake again, then why not forgive? Isn’t that what we are called to do? I’m somewhat disappointed by the responses on the thread. We have all wronged someone we care about, and usually have had the good fortune of being forgiven. If you don’t think you trust her not to cheat on you that’s one thing, but I wouldn’t forsake her if she is truly sorry and repentant.
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RedFox: I think Christian forgiveness is the best a person can offer when someone is untrue or unfaithful, but this thread is about the BEGINNING of a relationship and one of the two did not BEGIN the relationship with an open heart. It’s better to forgive her AND then go begin again with someone newer and more faithful. She cannot change if she never suffers the consequences of her actions. If, as we sometimes wish to believe, these two are star-crossed and “meant to be”, a sufficient few years of growing up can do a lot of good here.
 
You out the sins of others without any reference to your own guilt!!!
Are you a Virgin?
After what you’ve said about another person we deserve to know!!!
Mj0770 said:
I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site.
…
But just three months into the relationship I found out … before we had met in person she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend and had sex with him.
The truth did not come out at once.
…
Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work.

But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on.

It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship.
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You are entirely right
Pride, Anger and Jealousy are a dreadful foundation on which to form a relationship. You may be in your Mid 30’s but you are in no way ready for the committment of Marriage, which will give you and your future wife the need to choose to forgive eachother 77 times 7 times… Over and over again a man and wife will sin against each other.

How will you cope if some other man starts “chatting up” your pritty wife… or putting his hands on her big pregnant belly (I guarantee you that will happen… almost every Mum has experienced this)

You seriously need to get over yourself. unite your sufferings to Our Lords sufferings on the cross and realise just how insignificant your current crush on this girl is.

Sure she has sinned! have you never sinned? Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.
I do not condemn Her either…
You on the other hand? If you want to marry a Virgin, at age 34, you need to consider if your vocation is to Join the Marist Brothers. Marry yourself to The Virgin. Devote yourself to Mary. She will never cheat on you, and never has in her past either.

Oh. And by the way… The sin of Detraction is Grave Matter. You have publicly outed your girlfriends behaviour on the internet, on a forum which does not delete posts, and which is searchable by Google.

Nothing placed on the internet is truly anonymous!!! you can be traced by your username… you can be traced by your email… You can be traced by your IP address to the computer you used to type in that message.

My advice to you is:
  1. Go to confession. Book an appointment and tell the priest you have a lot to talk about and need guidance as well as confession. Tell him your story. Tell him the various advice you’ve had on here.
  2. Commit in advance that you will be obedient to the advice your priest give you.
  3. Follow His advice.
If I was a priest (I’m not so it’s hypothetical) I’d advise you to break off the relationship - at least on a temporary basis.
I’d advise you to make a very prayerful, “Lectio Divina” study of the Book of Job. Take several days to do so.
Remove the Log from your own eye before poking at the mite in others never mind casting stones at others for committing the sin of Fornication.

May God Bless you and call you to True Repentance.

Our Father In Heaven
May your name be held Holy
Your Kingdom come
Your Will be done
One earth as in Heaven

Give us this day, our daily Bread
And forgive us every wrong we’ve done
as we forgive others theirs
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
 
Way overboard, dude.

It’s simple. As a Christian, he is required to forgive her.

But he’s not required to stay with her.
 
My above post comes across very Harsh.

however I don’t feel I can withdraw any of it… in person it’s far easier to show the complexities of Love and compassion.

Please read my above post as it is intended: Chastisement in the form of Brotherly Love.

I would and have spoken like that to my biological brothers, and my spiritual brothers… but when I know I can help them see the correction is meant as a correction - not a put-down.

I am very serious about seeing a Priest. He can help you in ways we on the internet never can.

God Bless you.
 
First off, that sucks man. I just want to say I really sympathize with your position. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who you don’t trust. Unfortunately, I also know what it’s like to be on the other end of the spectrum, wishing more than anything I could just take back one moment of weakness. When Jesus sees the crowd about to stone an adulteress, he asks them which one of them is blameless and can therefore stand in judgement of her, and when the crowd disperses he tells the adulteress to go and sin no more.

Secondly, are you sure you guys were in a committed relationship at this point? Sex outside of marriage aside, unless there was some kind of agreement in place between you two, exchanging emails does not a relationship make.

Only you have access to all the information, but really I think it comes down to whether or not you believe her when she says she’s sorry and will never do it again. Sex does connect people in powerful ways (which is part of the reason why we shouldn’t be careless with it). It could have been an honest mistake, and the fact that she lied about it could just mean she was ashamed of it and didn’t want it to ruin what you guys had started. How many of us are up front about all our sins all the time, especially to the people who our sins hurt?

On the other hand, if you can’t trust the person you’re with, the rest doesn’t matter. It will drive you insane to constantly go against your gut, and in the long run you won’t do her any favors by telling her otherwise. If you think you could learn to trust her again, be honest with her about what you need from her in order to build up trust, and if she has any hesitation about doing those things then she’s probably not sorry.

We don’t know whether the adulteress Jesus saved from death committed the same sin again or not, but I don’t think it would be fair to end a relationship over the sins someone may or may not commit in the future. So you need to determine if this one incident will forever shake your trust in her or not.

For what it’s worth, neither relationship I referred to earlier worked out for me. In hindsight, cheating/being cheated on was usually the manifestation of other issues in the relationship. In other words, there might be another discussion worth having with this woman about your relationship. Did you ask her why she did what she did? And did that answer make sense to you?
 
A liar is a liar and a harlot is a harlot.

She doesn’t constitute healthy matrimony in my opinion.
But always remember-
Love the sinner, hate the sin.
 
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