Girlfriend on Contraceptive Pills for Medical Reasons

[Almost]

I’m a Protestant that will probably be Catholic pretty soon. I’m convinced of natural law and so I think it is wrong to have sex with someone in a way that goes against the very end of sex, which seems clearly to be procreative.

Now here is my issue–my girlfriend of many years has been on medication for her seizures and I think she also takes contraceptive pills with it. I’m not entirely sure all of her medical issues exactly or what she is taking but I think her seizure medication is “Keppra.” I’ve heard/read of many negative effects of contraception, not to mention the fact that it causes zygotes to fail to implant. Apparently her, her doctor and parents have gone through many medications and the current combo is the only one that has worked so far.

I told her if the contraceptive causes issues such as lost zygotes and if it will cause further problems to the child if she gets pregnant I’m afraid to have sex with her. Her parents were vehement about the fact that the doctor would have recommended an alternative if it existed and it was too risky to ‘shop’ for another option. I’m not quite sure this would necessarily be the case or that asking about other medication would be bad but due to the fact that this issue hasn’t concerned me like this in the past and it’s harder to get the information about it since they seemed to have thoroughly made up their minds.

She cannot afford to get pregnant medically until she weens off of it for a while (like a year), etc. (anyway, this is what I’m being told).

How can sex be morally acceptable in such a case and is there alternative medication one might be able to recommend despite my lack of details?

PS I’m curious as to how one would response to something like this: patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/10/zygotes-lost-with-birth-control-v-without-birth-control.html

 

[St_Francis]

Are you asking these questions because you are thinking of marrying her?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is between your girlfriend and her doctor. It is not your place to insist that there must be an alternative when you really know nothing of the situation. Stay out of this.

 

[phoooiee]

I’m a Protestant that will probably be Catholic pretty soon. I’m convinced of natural law and so I think it is wrong to have sex with someone in a way that goes against the very end of sex, which seems clearly to be procreative.

Now here is my issue–my girlfriend of many years has been on medication for her seizures and I think she also takes contraceptive pills with it. I’m not entirely sure all of her medical issues exactly or what she is taking but I think her seizure medication is “Keppra.” I’ve heard/read of many negative effects of contraception, not to mention the fact that it causes zygotes to fail to implant. Apparently her, her doctor and parents have gone through many medications and the current combo is the only one that has worked so far.

I told her if the contraceptive causes issues such as lost zygotes and if it will cause further problems to the child if she gets pregnant I’m afraid to have sex with her. Her parents were vehement about the fact that the doctor would have recommended an alternative if it existed and it was too risky to ‘shop’ for another option. I’m not quite sure this would necessarily be the case or that asking about other medication would be bad but due to the fact that this issue hasn’t concerned me like this in the past and it’s harder to get the information about it since they seemed to have thoroughly made up their minds.

She cannot afford to get pregnant medically until she weens off of it for a while (like a year), etc. (anyway, this is what I’m being told).

How can sex be morally acceptable in such a case and is there alternative medication one might be able to recommend despite my lack of details?

PS I’m curious as to how one would response to something like this: patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/10/zygotes-lost-with-birth-control-v-without-birth-control.html

Well, it is morally acceptable to take birth control for medical reasons because the Church says it is:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=15756&highlight=pcos

 

[1ke]

I see the bigger issue being that her parents are so in control of what I presume is a grown woman.

If you are talking marriage, or contemplating it, then yes it is your business and if she is unwilling to even consider revisiting her condition and medication with her doctor or getting a second opinion then I think that is a problem. NOT because of the hormonal pills, which if taken for a legitimate medical treatment are not contraception and not immoral, but because of what appears to be undue influence of her parents and her inability to make independent decisions and have a serious discussion with her boyfriend of “many years” about a condition that will impact them both if they marry.

If you are contemplating marriage and a family, she should be making an appointment with her doctor for the two of you to talk so that you can understand her seizure disorder, what it means for you as a spouse, what it means for her as a future mother.

How old is she? Does she live with her parents? Do they make decisions in other areas of here life?

Depending on the answers to the above question, to me this could be a potential red flag.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

If you’re getting married, you should discuss this issue with her. I’m no doctor, but I can read warning labels. She should not be pregnant while on this drug. It’s not just the loss of a fertilized egg that is of concern, but also birth abnormalities.

It is certainly reasonable for her to have a second opinion on the matter. Ultimately, though, she will have to rely on her doctor’s advice.

 

[SaintRita]

Without the full story its hard to give advice here… Any parent of a special needs child (even an adult child) will have trouble relinquishing control of their child’s health care…

Personally, unless you are engaged and in pre-marital counseling then stay out of it. That’s just my 2cents. Its clear you’ve already stepped in and spoken up about the issue. That’s all you can do at this point. It could be that she’s not able to have children without significant medical complications which is something you also need to consider (not that she doesn’t want to or can’t, just that it would take a toll on her health) If you want to marry her than I guess that’s what you need to find out about. I don’t think is fair to her to put her in a position where she needs to go on the defensive about something that she’s not really in control of.

 

[bzkoss236]

The Church deems it alright for someone to take the pill for medicinal purposes. But there are also various versions of the pill. My wife is using a very low dosage pill (for ovarian cysts) that the doctor said would not cause a failure to implant. As with many medications, there can always be risky side effects.

I understand your not wanting to partake in the marital act if you fear the possible loss of your child. I would feel the same. Luckily, my wife, who is a non-Catholic Christian (at least for now as she has been showing possible interest in converting) shares my views about abortion and abortion causing drugs. She still struggles with understanding Natural Law and how contraception is wrong in general, but she does not agree with the use of possibly abortive contraception (a step in the right direction).

Abortion is not a “woman and her doctor” issue, it is a societal issue. She’s not destroying a part of her body, she’s destroying someone else’s body. It is the killing of an innocent human being.

To the OP: I would suggest looking into alternative birth control (either natural or low dose), maybe even speaking with physicians or pharmacists about them, and bring what you learn to your girlfriend to not only help her, but to allow you two to grow closer together.

 

[Lasting_faith]

As said, we don’t have the full story. Sometime a certain drug is also prescribed for other reason then what is what designed to do. (Some antihistamines are great sleeping pills and up to a point less harmful but kids, do not try that without your doctors advice.) I can think of a number of reason why she takes theese pills, but I will not guess. She has a legitime reason to use them, and she propably will have for as long as she live. So, talk to your priest, and get married. I can not see any reason why not. To “consume” a marriage is the ability to “make a baby”, not just making love, and if my guess is right, she are able to get pregnant and you are able to father a child. Not every couple will have kids, a child is God’s gift, but you can adopt a child later on in your life.

If I offended someone, I am sorry, it was not my meaning.

 

[maryjk]

I’m a Protestant that will probably be Catholic pretty soon. I’m convinced of natural law and so I think it is wrong to have sex with someone in a way that goes against the very end of sex, which seems clearly to be procreative.

Now here is my issue–my girlfriend of many years has been on medication for her seizures and I think she also takes contraceptive pills with it. I’m not entirely sure all of her medical issues exactly or what she is taking but I think her seizure medication is “Keppra.” I’ve heard/read of many negative effects of contraception, not to mention the fact that it causes zygotes to fail to implant. Apparently her, her doctor and parents have gone through many medications and the current combo is the only one that has worked so far.

You might want to know all of the facts before you get upset about what she might be doing.

The fact that she hasn’t shared with you her medical information after “many years” tells me that maybe she isn’t very serious about this relationship.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I see the bigger issue being that her parents are so in control of what I presume is a grown woman.

If you are talking marriage, or contemplating it, then yes it is your business and if she is unwilling to even consider revisiting her condition and medication with her doctor or getting a second opinion then I think that is a problem. NOT because of the hormonal pills, which if taken for a legitimate medical treatment are not contraception and not immoral, but because of what appears to be undue influence of her parents and her inability to make independent decisions and have a serious discussion with her boyfriend of “many years” about a condition that will impact them both if they marry.

If you are contemplating marriage and a family, she should be making an appointment with her doctor for the two of you to talk so that you can understand her seizure disorder, what it means for you as a spouse, what it means for her as a future mother.

How old is she? Does she live with her parents? Do they make decisions in other areas of here life?

Depending on the answers to the above question, to me this could be a potential red flag.

Agreed in theory but unless he has proposed or they have discussed marriage extensively it may not be a good idea to alienate the mother who is helping with care for a boyfriend that we are not sure is ready, willing or able to assume the primary caregiving role.

Without the full story its hard to give advice here… Any parent of a special needs child (even an adult child) will have trouble relinquishing control of their child’s health care…

Personally, unless you are engaged and in pre-marital counseling then stay out of it. That’s just my 2cents. Its clear you’ve already stepped in and spoken up about the issue. That’s all you can do at this point. It could be that she’s not able to have children without significant medical complications which is something you also need to consider (not that she doesn’t want to or can’t, just that it would take a toll on her health) If you want to marry her than I guess that’s what you need to find out about. I don’t think is fair to her to put her in a position where she needs to go on the defensive about something that she’s not really in control of.

 

[1ke]

Agreed in theory but unless he has proposed or they have discussed marriage extensively it may not be a good idea to alienate the mother who is helping with care for a boyfriend that we are not sure is ready, willing or able to assume the primary caregiving role.

He characterizes himself as her boyfriend of “many years” and it sounds as if they are exploring marriage.

And there is no indication that the mother is a “caregiver”. She is not an invalid.

 

[SaintRita]

He characterizes himself as her boyfriend of “many years” and it sounds as if they are exploring marriage.

And there is no indication that the mother is a “caregiver”. She is not an invalid.

have you ever known someone who gets seizures? These can be chronic and very debilitating… there are adults who although live full complete lives still rely on caretakers for day to day support and need medical proxies to help make decisions because their conditions sometimes render them incapable of making decisions (passing out from a seizure). This does not mean that they cannot get married and live on their own, but its transferring that power from the parent or caregiver to the spouse. We don’t know how old this couple is… girlfriend of many years could mean they started dating at age 14… maybe they are in their 30s? We don’t know. In this case it sounds like its more on the severe side if she’s on multiple medications to keep them in control.

 

[1ke]

have you ever known someone who gets seizures? These can be chronic and very debilitating… there are adults who although live full complete lives still rely on caretakers for day to day support and need medical proxies to help make decisions because their conditions sometimes render them incapable of making decisions (passing out from a seizure). This does not mean that they cannot get married and live on their own, but its transferring that power from the parent or caregiver to the spouse.

If she requires such assistance, and they are exploring marriage, then he needs to be informed by her doctors and they need to sit down together and talk about it.

It is not the condition, or the medication, it is her unwillingness to consider or revisit it and the references to her parents not allowing it. If this man is to be her husband he needs information and they need to make joint decisions independent of her parents. If she cannot or will not do that (and we don’t know that this is the case, again why I asked) then this is a red flag for moving forward with marriage.

We don’t know how old this couple is… girlfriend of many years could mean they started dating at age 14… maybe they are in their 30s? We don’t know.

Which is why I asked her age.

 

[maryjk]

He characterizes himself as her boyfriend of “many years” and it sounds as if they are exploring marriage.

And there is no indication that the mother is a “caregiver”. She is not an invalid.

I think if they were “exploring marriage” he would know what medications she is taking and would actually know the condition she has.

It sounds like he barely knows her.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

have you ever known someone who gets seizures? These can be chronic and very debilitating… there are adults who although live full complete lives still rely on caretakers for day to day support and need medical proxies to help make decisions because their conditions sometimes render them incapable of making decisions (passing out from a seizure). This does not mean that they cannot get married and live on their own, but its transferring that power from the parent or caregiver to the spouse. We don’t know how old this couple is… girlfriend of many years could mean they started dating at age 14… maybe they are in their 30s? We don’t know. In this case it sounds like its more on the severe side if she’s on multiple medications to keep them in control.

This was essentially the point I was making.

If she requires such assistance, and they are exploring marriage, then he needs to be informed by her doctors and they need to sit down together and talk about it.

It is not the condition, or the medication, it is her unwillingness to consider or revisit it and the references to her parents not allowing it. If this man is to be her husband he needs information and they need to make joint decisions independent of her parents. If she cannot or will not do that (and we don’t know that this is the case, again why I asked) then this is a red flag for moving forward with marriage.

Yes, IF he is to be her husband you are right. Has he asked for her hand in marriage? Have they seriously discussed marriage or consider themselves on that path. You are correct he will need to take an active role in her caregiving which will start with knowing what medicines she is on and for what issues. It would start with him going to some doctors appointments with her and getting a rapport with her healthcare team. Before he does these things he cannot question or comment on her healthcare plan or medications. I also agree that when a couple marries they leave their parents and cling to each other however if her parents have been caregiving for her medical issues her entire life they have good insights and knowledge that should not simply be ignored.

Approach means a lot, is the OP just saying to his girlfriend I want you off the contraceptive medication without taking an active interest in her health care plan as a whole? If thats the case then I wouldn’t consider it either.

I think if they were “exploring marriage” he would know what medications she is taking and would actually know the condition she has.

It sounds like he barely knows her.

Exactly. My intended has medical conditions which we are blessed its not as severe as it seems the OP’s girlfriend has but I do know all medications and dosages, insurance information and have a relationship with his doctors because we are discerning marriage. A person who doesn’t know or isn’t attempting to know these things can’t just expect to elbow the current caregivers out of the picture and want an equal footing in medical decisions.

 

[SaintRita]

Exactly. My intended has medical conditions which we are blessed its not as severe as it seems the OP’s girlfriend has but I do know all medications and dosages, insurance information and have a relationship with his doctors because we are discerning marriage. A person who doesn’t know or isn’t attempting to know these things can’t just expect to elbow the current caregivers out of the picture and want an equal footing in medical decisions.

It sounds like he’s getting to the point where he wants this information but she’s unwilling to share it - which means she isn’t ready for marriage.

 

[ShanaA1984]

If she requires such assistance, and they are exploring marriage, then he needs to be informed by her doctors and they need to sit down together and talk about it.QUOTE]

In most cases unless they are married, her doctors are not gonna tell him anything due to hippa and patient confidentiality laws.

 

[EasterJoy]

It sounds like he’s getting to the point where he wants this information but she’s unwilling to share it - which means she isn’t ready for marriage.

If you mean that specifically rather than generally, I tend to agree.

If he’s saying he plans to refuse to consummate the marriage unless she puts him in charge of her patient-doctor relationship, perhaps it is that she isn’t ready for marriage to him. I would think it entirely reasonable for her to avoid sharing her whole medical history with him until she satisfies herself that the two of them are compatible with regards to the degree of control he expects to have over her medical care. If they’re not compatible, she is not going to marry him, anyway, and until she thinks that is a likelihood, she has every right to keep that information private. It is entirely proper for her to expect him to disclose the principles he will expect to apply in their marriage before she discloses her medical chart.

This could be a deal-breaker, but she is within her rights to withhold this information until they are actively exploring marriage. (She may not hide information and yet give him the impression that she is not withholding it.)

 

[EasterJoy]

1ke;10885152:

If she requires such assistance, and they are exploring marriage, then he needs to be informed by her doctors and they need to sit down together and talk about it.

In most cases unless they are married, her doctors are not gonna tell him anything due to hippa and patient confidentiality laws.

HIPPA does not give spouses the right to a patient’s personal health information, either. If the patient specifically directs that the information not be given out to anyone, then it is to be kept private, even from a spouse. If the patient directs health care providers to release information, however, they may release information to anyone, including the press and certainly including someone the patient brings to a private consultation about their care.